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Told a girl the truth.


Austino96
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So I met this girl. We went out twice and had sex both times and over the last 3 weeks talked on the phone a lot and texted a lot. While I wasn’t extremely attracted to her she was pretty and I enjoyed her personality. I’m open to a relationship but atm in my life I don’t want/need one. The last time I hung out with her I wasn’t feeling it, like I didn’t even wanna have sex with her I just wanted to go home. I feel like if I’m already feeling this way then It’s definitely not gonna work.

 

I’m working on getting my life together and just enjoying casual hookups. I’ve had a lot more success in dating lately and just enjoying being single and discovering new things about myself.

 

So today I told her the truth.

 

—“I am afraid of being in a relationship. I don’t really want a relationship. I feel pressured because I don’t feel like I’m in a place in my life that i can make someone happy. I’m horrible at keeping small talk away from someone. I’m afraid of being tied down because I haven’t actually haven’t ever been single without being in that get over someone stage. I feel like for the first time in my life I am free and happy being myself. Of course I don’t fret away from the idea of being with someone I like or could possibly see myself with. When I feel pressured from someone I get distant because I feel like I’m not living up to someone’s expectations and I don’t want to disappoint or hurt someone’s feelings because I know how it felt for me when someone didn’t want to be with me.

 

I am not saying you did any of these things but I do feel like I’m not gonna make you happy or that we are on the same page on some things. I like you and spending time with you. The fact that you live kinda far away is starting to get to me a bit. Like driving there on my days off possibly every time I off work will get old to me.

 

All of this feels like it’s my own personal issues that are causing issues and not you. The fact that I’m trying to figure out my life plays such a huge role in how I feel about relationships. I’m more worried on myself becoming a better man that I don’t feel like I can make someone else happy.

 

I do like you and I like spending time with you. Maybe I’m repeating a lot of what I said that we already discussed. Im very guilty of once something gets in my head it’s hard to get out.

 

Clearly I’m not ready for a relationship by thinking this way.

 

I’m afraid of leading you on because I don’t know what I want. I don’t wanna talk to you and I feel bad because of it. I’m at the point where I feel like I need to break this off because of the pressure that I feel.

 

Idk how to handle how I feel about this. Forgive me for being so confused it’s me and in my head. Not you.” —

 

That’s what I told her. It was very hard for me to be honest about it. Idk why but I Felt the need to be honest with her. I felt so much pressure because it began to feel more like a relationship and it was kinda freaking me out.

 

I’m second guessing myself now and I feel so guilty. I think it was the right thing to do. But now I feel like I’m making a mistake even tho I know it won’t work out. It seems girls like me when they wanna settle down. Idk what about me makes girls wanna do that.

 

I feel so guilty and I feel like I made a mistake even tho I know what I said is real and the truth. Sorta feeling like I was the one dumped. I love talking to her and hanging out with her without sex. It’s so weird because I do like her but at the same time I don’t see anything with her.

 

I always imagine that with the right person that it should just be easy and I won’t have to feel this way or have conversations about if we are on the same page about where things are going. A big part of me just doesn’t wanna settle for anything less than what I want. Because my last relationship was built like this on doubts and stuff.

 

Was this the right thing? Am I right to feel this way?

Sorry for spelling/grammar errors.

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I think you did the right thing! There’s no harm in being true to yourself. You are right about not settling for anything less but keep your expectations real. You’re doing the right thing by trusting your feelings. Sure it sucks to let someone down but if anything she can now move forward.

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The right thing to do is be up front before you even go on a single date that you are only looking for casual dating or a casual hook up. Like spell it out. Women think you are serious relationship material because that's how you present yourself, so stop it and be honest. There are plenty of women who are also not looking to be serious and you need to find those.

 

As for this situation....I mean it was a lot of word vomit, but at least you ended things early enough. Don't treat your dates like a therapy session and if you need to end things, try to be less cray cray and more succinct, aka less word vomit. Don't confuse early sex with a relationship.

 

Anyway, it seems overall that maybe you need to take a time out from dating and get your head screwed on straight. Will save you a whole lot of drama.

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Deep breaths, friend. You're right to feel however you feel, and whatever you feel, at any given moment. Including this one. How we handle those feelings, how we express them—well, that's the forever work.

 

What I see here, just being honest, is a lot of complicated and dramatic words to express something simple: sorry, you're great, but I'm not feeling you the way I need to feel you. Which you are allowed to say without being The Worst Man On The Planet. In fact, learning to just say that is a step toward becoming an ever better man.

 

In other words, I think you feel (a) a little bad for simply not feeling her and (b) a little bad for not just being straight about that. You used an inflated idea of your damage to mask the hard, human fact that you're just not vibing as you ned to vibe.

 

The subtext of your note, basically, is that if you weren't a bit of a mess right now—the personal issues, the figuring out life stuff, and so on—then you'd be ready for her, you guys would be perfect, and so on. But let's be really honest: that's not true. The truth is simpler. The truth is that you're just not feeling it, and if you were feeling it a bit more you wouldn't be writing that dissertation. You'd just be hanging, enjoying her, taking each other's clothes off, and so on. The truth is that you're totally open for that right now, with the right person. She, alas, is not that person for you.

 

In the future, you don't need to treat people like therapists—and if dating feels that way right now, it might be best to chill with dating. There is nothing wrong with letting someone know that, sorry, you're not feeling it. End scene. That is honestly and respect—respect for yourself, for the truth, and respect for them, a person who can handle the truth.

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The right thing to do is be up front before you even go on a single date that you are only looking for casual dating or a casual hook up. Like spell it out. Women think you are serious relationship material because that's how you present yourself, so stop it and be honest. There are plenty of women who are also not looking to be serious and you need to find those.

 

As for this situation....I mean it was a lot of word vomit, but at least you ended things early enough. Don't treat your dates like a therapy session and if you need to end things, try to be less cray cray and more succinct, aka less word vomit. Don't confuse early sex with a relationship.

 

Anyway, it seems overall that maybe you need to take a time out from dating and get your head screwed on straight. Will save you a whole lot of drama.

 

I sent it because she was acting very attached making plans for us on our days off, saying how much she missed me, telling me she likes me so much that she’s not talking to anyone else, calling me every night, I told her that I didn’t know what I wanted bc she’d ask me if I saw me and her going somewhere.

 

I do like her but she lives 90 miles away and I work outta of town 5 days a week. I do wanna see other people casually but she wants to plan whole days together and nights. I want to see my friends and do all the single things I’ve gotten use to doing.

 

Me sending that text was me showing I cared because I know how much it sucks being rejected. Her expectations put so much pressure on me if turned me off.

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I sent it because she was acting very attached making plans for us on our days off, saying how much she missed me, telling me she likes me so much that she’s not talking to anyone else, calling me every night, I told her that I didn’t know what I wanted bc she’d ask me if I saw me and her going somewhere.

 

I do like her but she lives 90 miles away and I work outta of town 5 days a week. I do wanna see other people casually but she wants to plan whole days together and nights. I want to see my friends and do all the single things I’ve gotten use to doing.

 

Me sending that text was me showing I cared because I know how much it sucks being rejected. Her expectations put so much pressure on me if turned me off.

 

Like I said, you did the right thing, just learn to keep it more brief and simple. Also, if you are going to jump into bed early on, be sure that you make the expectations clear - only casual, only a hook up or two. Be honest from the get go. Nothing wrong with that and it will save you all this drama, guilt, trouble down the road. Be clear about where you are at and what you want and then let others decide for themselves what they want to do with that.

 

Look, if I tell a guy straight up that I'm categorically not looking for a relationship and then later on he pitches a fit that he was expecting one, that's too bad. I don't feel bad about it because I spelled out the conditions of our deal early on and if he decides to take a chance hoping for more, that's his problem, not mine. I'm going to stick to my word and move on in peace. You need to learn to do the same.

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As a woman, I appreciate a man's honesty. I'd rather a guy simply say "I'm just not feeling it with you" than "I'm still not over my ex" or "I don't have time to date right now."

 

It doesn't feel good, but she will heal. Don't feel guilty. Maybe next time don't explain yourself so copiously...but you gave her the respect of telling her you weren't in to it.

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Deep breaths, friend. You're right to feel however you feel, and whatever you feel, at any given moment. Including this one. How we handle those feelings, how we express them—well, that's the forever work.

 

What I see here, just being honest, is a lot of complicated and dramatic words to express something simple: sorry, you're great, but I'm not feeling you the way I need to feel you. Which you are allowed to say without being The Worst Man On The Planet. In fact, learning to just say that is a step toward becoming an ever better man.

 

In other words, I think you feel (a) a little bad for simply not feeling her and (b) a little bad for not just being straight about that. You used an inflated idea of your damage to mask the hard, human fact that you're just not vibing as you ned to vibe.

 

The subtext of your note, basically, is that if you weren't a bit of a mess right now—the personal issues, the figuring out life stuff, and so on—then you'd be ready for her, you guys would be perfect, and so on. But let's be really honest: that's not true. The truth is simpler. The truth is that you're just not feeling it, and if you were feeling it a bit more you wouldn't be writing that dissertation. You'd just be hanging, enjoying her, taking each other's clothes off, and so on. The truth is that you're totally open for that right now, with the right person. She, alas, is not that person for you.

 

In the future, you don't need to treat people like therapists—and if dating feels that way right now, it might be best to chill with dating. There is nothing wrong with letting someone know that, sorry, you're not feeling it. End scene. That is honestly and respect—respect for yourself, for the truth, and respect for them, a person who can handle the truth.

 

Dude you’re like in my head for real. I have a tendency to explain things in the worst way possible. I really need to work on that. Thanks stuff like this is why I post it really gets me in tune with myself.

 

lol you telling me to breathe. I post at the times when I’m feeling the worst lol. You can tell pretty much, I sent her that text at the height of me freaking out. Been feeling really good lately. This stuff caught me off guard.

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Best thing to do whenever you're at the height of freaking out? Nothing. Took me a while to learn that skill—in life, in love—and it's a really good one to have in the toolbox. Nothing wrong with freaking out—it's in all of us—but wise to ride that wave on our own, let it pass, and then react when we're a bit more clear-headed.

 

Still, as other's have said: you did the right thing. You were straight, ultimately, if a bit bendy in getting there. Next time it's a sentence or two. No need to take this moment as evidence that you're some whirling mess of a man. You're just a dude who hooked up with someone you're not feeling. One of millions of men and women in that place as I write this sentence, not a freakish anomaly who needs to be put in a cage.

 

Recalling your past posts, I think you've got just a bit of tendency to romanticize your own damage a bit. Totally get it. I've got it too, and when I was younger—ooof. Got the better or me here or there. Amazing how different it is when you can always remember that you're tiny, and that the effect you have on others, especially others you hardly know, isn't nearly as profound as you might thing. Makes it easy to just keep things straight instead of blowing them up into wild, devouring stories.

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After only two dates, that's a whole lot of explaining. It's also overly dramatic.

 

Just tell her you're not feeling it and wish her a good life.

 

TOTALLY

what a novel. All you needed to say was, I've had a lovely time with you, but I don't wish to pursue things further romantically at this time.

It does not sound in this case you even want a casual fling because you aren't that attracted to her, so don't bother saying you are not looking for a relationship/only want casual. The more honest you are, the better we will all be.

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I sent it because she was acting very attached making plans for us on our days off, saying how much she missed me, telling me she likes me so much that she’s not talking to anyone else, calling me every night, I told her that I didn’t know what I wanted bc she’d ask me if I saw me and her going somewhere.

 

I do like her but she lives 90 miles away and I work outta of town 5 days a week. I do wanna see other people casually but she wants to plan whole days together and nights. I want to see my friends and do all the single things I’ve gotten use to doing.

 

Me sending that text was me showing I cared because I know how much it sucks being rejected. Her expectations put so much pressure on me if turned me off.

 

Hearing about her makes me want to stop seeing her too. If this person is calling you every night at this point, this is not a good sign. She's a bit too clingy and overeager. Your gut instincts might have kicked in here and I don't think it has anything to do with "girls liking [you] when they wanna settle down". You may actually have poor taste in women. But there's hope. Let this fish back into the sea, take it easy and enjoy your single life. In your free moments, you might want to think about the type of woman you're more able to fall in love with and envision traits that you find more appealing in the opposite sex. Go from there.

 

Someone who's a bit more put together will conjure up more stable feelings and warmer feelings in you and less heebie jeebies like this one.

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Keep it simple. You have every right to feel the way you do.

 

Just tell her that you don't want a relationship with her because you don't know what you want in life yet, you feel insecure, need to figure yourself out and grow up. Be humble. Tell her you need to mature and someday you might settle down and get serious, however, until then you want your freedom. The truth isn't pretty, however, you need to explain simply and plainly.

 

Tell her you'd be fine just being low maintenance friends and if she's not fine with that, then go your separate ways. Say goodbye and make it permanent.

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The right thing to do is be up front before you even go on a single date that you are only looking for casual dating or a casual hook up. Like spell it out. Women think you are serious relationship material because that's how you present yourself, so stop it and be honest. There are plenty of women who are also not looking to be serious and you need to find those.

 

As for this situation....I mean it was a lot of word vomit, but at least you ended things early enough. Don't treat your dates like a therapy session and if you need to end things, try to be less cray cray and more succinct, aka less word vomit. Don't confuse early sex with a relationship.

 

Anyway, it seems overall that maybe you need to take a time out from dating and get your head screwed on straight. Will save you a whole lot of drama.

 

A - freakin - men.

 

Sorry, I just see your actions as selfish, remember that woman you rebounded with? you clung to her like white on rice because you were rebounding and she only wanted casual, triggering your vulnerability, instead of being casual you attempted to turn into a stage 5 clinger, this girl actually wanted a relationship, triggering your flight reaction, why do you have a flight reaction? Because you aren’t healed, you’re using dating to cope. I think you feel bad because deep down you know what you’re doing.

 

I sent it because she was acting very attached making plans for us on our days off, saying how much she missed me, telling me she likes me so much that she’s not talking to anyone else, calling me every night, I told her that I didn’t know what I wanted bc she’d ask me if I saw me and her going somewhere.

 

I do like her but she lives 90 miles away and I work outta of town 5 days a week. I do wanna see other people casually but she wants to plan whole days together and nights. I want to see my friends and do all the single things I’ve gotten use to doing.

 

Me sending that text was me showing I cared because I know how much it sucks being rejected. Her expectations put so much pressure on me if turned me off.

 

You knew all this before you got laid... right? The distance and your mindset... yet you continued.... you did the right thing being straightforward so kudos for that, seriously, good for you, but good grief dude be single or stop presenting yourself as a healthy dude looking for a relationship, you aren’t that guy, not right now... she could be perfect, you are the issue right now and until you heal you’re going to keep rejecting ‘good’ women and chasing ‘uninterested’ women...

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How did she respond?

 

She thanked me for telling her before she got attached. She said that she saw red flags about how I explained what I wanted to her. She said she had already went through the hookup “faze” in her life. She said she was really bummed out and needed time to decide if she wanted to continue to talk to me as friends.

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A - freakin - men.

 

Sorry, I just see your actions as selfish, remember that woman you rebounded with? you clung to her like white on rice because you were rebounding and she only wanted casual, triggering your vulnerability, instead of being casual you attempted to turn into a stage 5 clinger, this girl actually wanted a relationship, triggering your flight reaction, why do you have a flight reaction? Because you aren’t healed, you’re using dating to cope. I think you feel bad because deep down you know what you’re doing.

 

 

 

You knew all this before you got laid... right? The distance and your mindset... yet you continued.... you did the right thing being straightforward so kudos for that, seriously, good for you, but good grief dude be single or stop presenting yourself as a healthy dude looking for a relationship, you aren’t that guy, not right now... she could be perfect, you are the issue right now and until you heal you’re going to keep rejecting ‘good’ women and chasing ‘uninterested’ women...

 

I was upfront with her that I didn’t know what I wanted. I feel guilty because I like her in some ways when I thought wouldn’t. It scares me a bit but I’m only interested in casual stuff. In this moment in my life I know I’m not ready for a relationship. I’ve been focusing on me and getting my own life together.

 

I didn’t talk her into sex(she made all the first moves). I pride myself on being very easy going and comforting. I had good conversations with her and I like talking to her but I kinda felt myself getting drawn in by it. It’s scary because I could feel myself getting attached to the comfort she provided. In the end I knew what she was looking for and I knew I couldn’t be that.

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I was upfront with her that I didn’t know what I wanted. I feel guilty because I like her in some ways when I thought wouldn’t. It scares me a bit but I’m only interested in casual stuff. In this moment in my life I know I’m not ready for a relationship. I’ve been focusing on me and getting my own life together.

 

I didn’t talk her into sex(she made all the first moves). I pride myself on being very easy going and comforting. I had good conversations with her and I like talking to her but I kinda felt myself getting drawn in by it. It’s scary because I could feel myself getting attached to the comfort she provided. In the end I knew what she was looking for and I knew I couldn’t be that.

 

Not quite sure how that isn’t exactly what i just said...

 

I’m just not sugar coating it.

 

What you’re saying is you’re dating to cope.

 

Stop. OR since you knew you couldn’t be what she was looking for bid her farewell after meeting one... next woman you encounter before you heal because you’re going to continue we both know you are, establish you’re casual, call me crazy I think the next girl who plays hard to get will have you just like vacation girl did...this is SO much deeper than incompatibilities... so much... you’re not healed yet.

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