Jump to content

Did I Ruin Everything By Blowing Up His Phone After We Had Sex?


Recommended Posts

For background we have been separated since February and have been no contact up until the beginning of June.

This past Sunday I slept with my ex. He was saying all of the right things. I don't know if he led me on. He was saying how he loves me, misses me, we were talking at least once a day on the phone via text or by a phone call. He convinced me to go to his court hearing in another town and then also convinced me to get a hotel room with him. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced with him. Because of course it was. We laughed, we cried, we kissed, we told each other how much we love each other, how happy we were together, how us being together just felt right. Finally we fell asleep in each others arms. Anyway, next day after the court hearing I messaged him, didn't get a response so I messaged him again, still nothing, so I messaged him 4 more times. He finally responded with "I will give you one day to chill the **** out. I was asleep when you were have this little mental breakdown. I will not have unstable people in my life right now. It will hurt, but I won't, so chill the **** out." "I love you." I told him I love him too, and haven't heard a single word from him since. It hurts. He hasn't messaged me back once to check in with me since Monday. Did I ruin everything? Or did he use me? If he used me then why even bother responding?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Replies 192
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

It doesn't appear that he used you. You did agree to stay the night, right?

 

Though I think it shows a lack of self control that you blew up his phone, instead of maturely waiting for him to get back to you, I don't think it's ok that he feels it necessary to teach you a lesson.

 

I begs the question, what broke you two up to begin with?

Link to post
Share on other sites
It doesn't appear that he used you. You did agree to stay the night, right?

 

Though I think it shows a lack of self control that you blew up his phone, instead of maturely waiting for him to get back to you, I don't think it's ok that he feels it necessary to teach you a lesson.

 

I begs the question, what broke you two up to begin with?

 

I'm just worried I ruined our chances at reconciliation by blowing up his phone. He did say I love you after freaking out about it, but he hasn't messaged me at all yesterday or at all today.

Link to post
Share on other sites

On your previous thread people warned you that he was probably using you to make himself look good in court. You agreed he was trying to use you.

 

But you went anyway. That means you chose to allow this to happen.

 

Why do you find a felon who messages underage girls so appealing?

Link to post
Share on other sites

But what about reinvent's last question: What broke you two up to begin with?

 

I would be asking different questions right now to find stability. I would be asking if this is the time for reconciliation, or a person worth reconciling with, if you can't go a few hours without hearing from him without sending him six messages until he responds. That, to me, would signal that what I want from a relationship (a sense of calm, security) has been replaced by exactly what I don't want (a sense of anxiety leading me to behave in irrational ways).

 

I would also be less focused on the "I love you" at the end of his eventual response and more focused on the patronizing cruelty that preceded it. And, again, I'd ask: Is this the person I want to be reconciling with? It seems, at least from this, that neither of you a bringing out particularly nice sides of the other. That might be worth acknowledging.

 

No one was used, nothing was ruined. Two exes had consensual sex and, afterward, both of them behaved in a manner that is immature and generally not conducive for a healthy, happy relationship. It would be understandable if one of both people saw that as a reason to not reconcile, or at least not be in such a rush to answer the question of reconciliation and instead focus on whether even trying for reconciliation is in either of your best interests.

Link to post
Share on other sites
But what about reinvent's last question: What broke you two up to begin with?

 

I would be asking different questions right now to find stability. I would be asking if this is the time for reconciliation, or a person worth reconciling with, if you can't go a few hours without hearing from him without sending him six messages until he responds. That, to me, would signal that what I want from a relationship (a sense of calm, security) has been replaced by exactly what I don't want (a sense of anxiety leading me to behave in irrational ways).

 

I would also be less focused on the "I love you" at the end of his eventual response and more focused on the patronizing cruelty that preceded it. And, again, I'd ask: Is this the person I want to be reconciling with? It seems, at least from this, that neither of you a bringing out particularly nice sides of the other. That might be worth acknowledging.

 

No one was used, nothing was ruined. Two exes had consensual sex and, afterward, both of them behaved in a manner that is immature and generally not conducive for a healthy, happy relationship. It would be understandable if one of both people saw that as a reason to not reconcile, or at least not be in such a rush to answer the question of reconciliation and instead focus on whether even trying for reconciliation is in either of your best interests.

We broke up due to circumstances that were out of both of our control. We didn't want to break up. We had to. Do you think he has decided not to reconcile after all and that's why he hasn't messaged me back?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Did you discuss under what circumstance you would be once again having sex with one another or did you just jump right into it thinking that sex was a sign that he wanted you in his life in a romantic sense again? If you didn't discuss then I suggest you don't do it again until you have that discussion. Before you have that discussion think about this:

 

He sounds like a hot head and you sound obsessed with a guy that tells you to chill the **** out instead of apologizing for missing your calls and asking you kindly to not blow up his phone if he doesn't get back right away. Instead of assuring you that he isn't going anywhere, he made you even more insecure and obsessed by ignoring you since he 'schooled' you like you were 12.

 

Read all that back and tell us why you care about this jerk?

 

Why is he in court and what "circumstances caused you to HAVE to break up?"

Link to post
Share on other sites

It's anyone's guess what's going on on his end so it won't help you to speculate. I'd take a look at the things you do know: he was a bit rude/short with you, he hasn't responded to you since and there's no understanding between either of you to begin with other than one night together (no consistency).

 

I'd take a step back and have a good pep talk with yourself if this is really how you see yourself living your life going forward. Do you really want to wait around for someone to make you feel better and then hurt you? Are you ok with the hot/cold?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Did you discuss under what circumstance you would be once again having sex with one another or did you just jump right into it thinking that sex was a sign that he wanted you in his life in a romantic sense again? If you didn't discuss then I suggest you don't do it again until you have that discussion. Before you have that discussion think about this:

 

He sounds like a hot head and you sound obsessed with a guy that tells you to chill the **** out instead of apologizing for missing your calls and asking you kindly to not blow up his phone if he doesn't get back right away. Instead of assuring you that he isn't going anywhere, he made you even more insecure and obsessed by ignoring you since he 'schooled' you like you were 12.

 

Read all that back and tell us why you care about this jerk?

 

Why is he in court and what "circumstances caused you to HAVE to break up?"

 

Robbery. We did discuss getting back together again. We wrote out reconciliation letters together, and at the end of the night he promised me we would see eachother again and that this isn't the end. So, I'm just really confused.

Link to post
Share on other sites
It's anyone's guess what's going on on his end so it won't help you to speculate. I'd take a look at the things you do know: he was a bit rude/short with you, he hasn't responded to you since and there's no understanding between either of you to begin with other than one night together (no consistency).

 

I'd take a step back and have a good pep talk with yourself if this is really how you see yourself living your life going forward. Do you really want to wait around for someone to make you feel better and then hurt you? Are you ok with the hot/cold?

 

No, I'm not okay with hot/cold. It's really hurtful of him to be all sweet and nice one minute and then yell at me the next. I know I was being immature, but I was scared that he was just going to disappear.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Robbery. We did discuss getting back together again. We wrote out reconciliation letters together, and at the end of the night he promised me we would see eachother again and that this isn't the end. So, I'm just really confused.

 

My dear girl... he is NOT someone you should want to get back with no matter how WONDERFUL the sex was with him that night. He is trouble and you being so obsessed with him says a lot about your lack of love of self. He may go to jail for goodness sakes (Odds are if not this time, then sometime)

then where will you be?

 

I really think you should think about getting yourself into therapy to help you with your self-worth. When you have good self-esteem and confidence in knowing that if you're not with him, then some day you will find someone much better as a life partner, you would never want a hood in your life the way you want him.

 

Girl: What are you doing?

 

And why did he say "I love you" along with the pillow talk? I don't understand.

 

Because a-holes like him know exactly what to say to women that don't have good self-worth or confidence.

Link to post
Share on other sites

If I had to guess, I'd say his silence has more to do with his own circumstances and what he's going through right now, than your text messages.

 

He's dealing with a court hearing for allegations of robbery, which can't be easy.

 

You didn't ruin anything. It just doesn't sound like he is able to give you what you're looking for right now because he's in the midst of trying to find his own way (and out of a mess).

 

And I obviously don't know the circumstances of his criminal charges, including whether he's guilty/innocent (or pleading guilt or innocence), so I'm not here to make assumptions about him. But, aren't these criminal charges concerning to you? Because I'll admit, I couldn't be with someone who was charged with robbery. Clearly there was enough evidence there for the police to charge him (which I know does NOT automatically make someone guilty), but speaking for myself, someone being charged with robbery would completely diminish any trust I had in them or attraction towards them.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
If I had to guess, I'd say his silence has more to do with his own circumstances and what he's going through right now, than your text messages.

 

He's dealing with a court hearing for allegations of robbery, which can't be easy.

 

You didn't ruin anything. It just doesn't sound like he is able to give you what you're looking for right now because he's in the midst of trying to find his own way (and out of a mess).

 

And I obviously don't know the circumstances of his criminal charges, including whether he's guilty/innocent (or pleading guilt or innocence), so I'm not here to make assumptions about him. But, aren't these criminal charges concerning to you? Because I'll admit, I couldn't be with someone who was charged with robbery. Clearly there was enough evidence there for the police to charge him (which I know does NOT automatically make someone guilty), but speaking for myself, someone being charged with robbery would completely diminish any trust I had in them or attraction towards them.

 

This last hearing was a change in plea to guilty hearing. So the sentencing hearing is in 90 days. It's true that he is going through a lot. I just think I scared him away, but he did say "I love you." After chewing me out for bugging the out of him. I don't know. I guess I should give him some space. I know that what he did was wrong, but it was a mistake and he knows it. He told me how sorry he was and how he doesn't blame anyone else besides himself.

Link to post
Share on other sites
No, I'm not okay with hot/cold. It's really hurtful of him to be all sweet and nice one minute and then yell at me the next. I know I was being immature, but I was scared that he was just going to disappear.

 

And he has (disappeared). He's done that thing that you didn't want. The problem is that he's tricked you into thinking it's your fault. If it is, you really don't need someone so fragile. It takes balls to be in a relationship and to be honest, consistent and reliable. He's ...just not. If what you're looking for is someone more mature and who is able to check in with you reliably, this person isn't it. If it's your chemistry, take it as a sign that it's not meant to be. You don't need to go down a darker path wondering just how dark and terrible a person he is. He's shown you enough: that he's not enough to be with you.

 

Let go of the hurt, build your self-esteem and surround yourself with better company.

Link to post
Share on other sites
And why did he say "I love you" along with the pillow talk? I don't understand.

 

He'll tell you that black is white, and will further prove it in order to get you between the sheets. Words are meaningless without being followed up with actions.

 

Why not take the high road, and walk away with your self-respect intact?

Link to post
Share on other sites
This last hearing was a change in plea to guilty hearing. So the sentencing hearing is in 90 days. It's true that he is going through a lot. I just think I scared him away, but he did say "I love you." After chewing me out for bugging the out of him. I don't know. I guess I should give him some space. I know that what he did was wrong, but it was a mistake and he knows it. He told me how sorry he was and how he doesn't blame anyone else besides himself.

 

Your messages may have overwhelmed him, due to everything else that he has on his plate right now, but I still think his silence has a lot more do to with his hearing than anything else, including you and your messages.

 

Plus, he's entered a guilty plea, so really his future and freedom are up in the air right now because I think it can be safely assumed that he's concerned about sentencing, and potentially the repercussions of the sentence once he "pays his dues". That's a lot.

 

I do want to note, though, that I'm glad to hear he's holding himself accountable and taking responsibility for his actions.

 

Honestly, ThatGirl, it's clear that you care about this guy, but whatever is happening between you two is causing you more grief than good, and I'm guessing it will only get worse depending on the outcome of the sentencing hearing.

 

Do you really want to continue subjecting yourself to this situation? To him?

 

I'm going to sound a bit bossy right now (and maybe even bit#%y), but if you were a friend of mine, there's no way in heck I'd be supportive of a relationship like this. The world can toss us enough curveballs in life, but why would you voluntarily subject yourself to a situation that only causes you grief and anxiety if you can choose to walk away.

 

I know you care about this guy, and walking away will be hard, but in the long-term, I guessing you'll be thanking your lucky stars...

Link to post
Share on other sites
This last hearing was a change in plea to guilty hearing. So the sentencing hearing is in 90 days. It's true that he is going through a lot. I just think I scared him away, but he did say "I love you." After chewing me out for bugging the out of him. I don't know. I guess I should give him some space. I know that what he did was wrong, but it was a mistake and he knows it. He told me how sorry he was and how he doesn't blame anyone else besides himself.

 

We responded at the same time so I didn't see your update here. I think both of you aren't good for each other as it is and it'll take time and a fresh start to make anything work here. It might work if either of you were more mindful or respectful of each other but it just hasn't worked out that way. He shouldn't have hit you up before his hearing (he's dealing with a lot) or led you on and you shouldn't have thought too much about it. There's misunderstandings on top of misjudgments.

 

Cool it for awhile with this guy and see where you are at later on after the dust settles. Try being a bit more thoughtful and cautious about your interactions with this person and see how things pan out if you really care for one another.

Link to post
Share on other sites
He'll tell you that black is white, and will further prove it in order to get you between the sheets. Words are meaningless without being followed up with actions.

 

Why not take the high road, and walk away with your self-respect intact?

I thought he loved me. He said he did. He said he loves me after chewing me out for blowing up his phone.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Because I was scared he was going to disappear. And he kind of did in a way. I was scared he was using me. So I was looking up things that made me even more scared that he was using me.

 

Looking up things?

 

So it was kind of a self fulfilling prophesy?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...