She was hit on by one of her friends

[Hollyj]

I do not know why you come to the forum. You refuse to listen to any of the advice given.

[Seraphim]

Well, you don’t know what has happened in our 30 year relationship. But , I do know if there is no trust it is almost for certain down hill .

Again, not every relationship is like that. I mean the only reason you trust is because you don’t have any reasons not to, right? For those of us with reasons we change the state of our relationship to help support what it really is better.

[JulianAR]

A healthy relationship does not invclude going through other's phones. You should NOT be reading her messages,. If this is necessary due to trust issues, then you should not be together.

 

Why do you continue with all of this drama and deceit? This is messed up.

 

Okay let me make this very clear, NO I DO NOT. But she went out of her way to tell me about something that happened that had been happening for a while without my knowledge so we made an agreement to do that instead of breaking up. Because it merited work since she was at the very least honest with me. In retrospect, I hardly look at her phone as it is. After the latest happening I’d be more inclined to agree with your disposition but before this I feel like it’s been a solid step forward in the relationship.

[JulianAR]

I do not know why you come to the forum. You refuse to listen to any of the advice given.

 

Someone actually looking for advice isn’t looking for an echo chamber, they’re looking for a discussion.

[JulianAR]

Well, you don’t know what has happened in our 30 year relationship. But , I do know if there is no trust it is almost for certain down hill .

I’m not judging your particular relationship with your husband. I’m just saying it’s pretty cut and dry what people do in certain states of trust.

[JulianAR]

No. When it gets to that point, you end things. You cannot have a relationship without trust.

 

See, that’s truthful and honest advice. But I’d also say there’s more to a lot of different situations. I’d prefer that I can discuss my unique relationship separate from the generic every day advices of every relationship ever.

[Seraphim]

The thing is you can’t police another adult. If you have to. Meh, next. Not every relationship is worth saving. Life is only so long.

[JulianAR]

The thing is you can’t police another adult. If you have to. Meh, next. Not every relationship is worth saving. Life is only so long.

 

Well I appreciate you putting your advice in. I wish you could stick around to discuss it more as that’s what I’d really like to do is discuss it. But I get it, some people just want to depart their wisdom and hope for the best.

[DancingFool]

I mean....all you do is keep complaining that a 20 year old is acting like a 20 year old. Yes, she is immature, flaky, flighty, flirty, and not above experimenting with using an old geezer to fund some of her life. Sorry, bud, but 20 to 27 is vast gulf in terms of maturity, life experience, and life stage. You might as well be grandpa to her because the difference is that vast.

 

Is this relationship going to last? Not likely. She will seek out other men and other experiences whether you cling on and police and control or not. She will eventually dump you, ironically as she actually gets more experience and maturity under her belt and realizes that your ideas of how relationships should work are pretty twisted, not to mention all the building bitterness and resentment and lack of trust. You are basically seeking to raise and mold her into who you want her to be.

 

As for your our families get along argument - your families, what other people think - none of that is relevant to your actual relationship with your gf. Your actual relationship isn't working. Your inability to accept that and move on and seek better is somewhat disturbing.

[Hollyj]

You do not trust her, and you should not be checking her phone.

 

It is not working. You just keep repeating the same thing. I still do not get what you get from this forum. You argue every point.

[bluecastle]

Yeah that’s a pretty good analogy. I dunno, do people honestly break up over this? I mean she’s gotten to know all my friends, I’ve gotten to know all hers, our families get along, we’ve shared a lot together over the past two years even before we got together. After as much of our relationship as we’ve been through is this level of issue really not worth working on?

 

People break up for a zillion reasons, all of them valid. Let's say I decide, tomorrow, to break up with my girlfriend because I don't like her new haircut. She could call me a petty fool, justly, but if I can't see myself being happy and feeling secure with her new haircut—well, it's a just reason to end things. Better, in the long run, then pretending I'm happy and secure while harping about her new haircut, either to her, in the washing machine of my mind, or on an internet forum.

 

Yes, that's a silly metaphor. But sometimes silly things help in making serious points.

 

You are 27, dating a 20 year old for two years. I get that it's a big part of your life, and maybe a part of your life you're not done exploring. Fine. But I'd suggest dialing back the epic language—this idea that, together, you guys have been through so many fires and conquered so many armies that to end it now would be a tragedy, a cop out. You don't have a mortgage, you don't have a kid, and your fires are the stuff of CW programming, not HBO. You have sex and get along with each other's families—that is, to be frank, point of entry stuff, not the apex of all human experience.

 

Past the point of entry? You are with someone who repeatedly exhibits a propensity toward courting attention from other men, engaging in attention, being saucy with people who are not you. Without any emotional investment here, I can't say I blame her. She is twenty in 2019, not 1889. This is where she is, who she is. You've got to be into that, not into "working" on seeing if she can be someone else.

[Seraphim]

That is probably the biggest issue ; she is just past being a teenager and you are a full fledged adult. The brain is fully mature about age 25. She has a lot to go.

[JulianAR]

I mean....all you do is keep complaining that a 20 year old is acting like a 20 year old. Yes, she is immature, flaky, flighty, flirty, and not above experimenting with using an old geezer to fund some of her life. Sorry, bud, but 20 to 27 is vast gulf in terms of maturity, life experience, and life stage. You might as well be grandpa to her because the difference is that vast.

 

Is this relationship going to last? Not likely. She will seek out other men and other experiences whether you cling on and police and control or not. She will eventually dump you, ironically as she actually gets more experience and maturity under her belt and realizes that your ideas of how relationships should work are pretty twisted, not to mention all the building bitterness and resentment and lack of trust. You are basically seeking to raise and mold her into who you want her to be.

 

As for your our families get along argument - your families, what other people think - none of that is relevant to your actual relationship with your gf. Your actual relationship isn't working. Your inability to accept that and move on and seek better is somewhat disturbing.

 

I feel incredibly judged, to be honest. Sure, maybe I have to accept her for what she is, but I really don’t get why I’m the disgusting one for my concerns. I’m not saying none of anyone’s advice is valid as it is, I just want to discuss it past “you don’t trust her.” It doesn’t seem like everyone here is willing to do that, are they?

[JulianAR]

You do not trust her, and you should not be checking her phone.

 

It is not working. You just keep repeating the same thing. I still do not get what you get from this forum. You argue every point.

 

Honestly you’ve been repeating yourself verbatim here over points I feel I’ve already addressed.I don’t know what you expect me to say. I want to keep discussing this but you don’t, so why are YOU still on this thread?

[Seraphim]

Because trust is a KEY element.

[JulianAR]

That is probably the biggest issue ; she is just past being a teenager and you are a full fledged adult. The brain is fully mature about age 25. She has a lot to go.

 

Okay, hypothetical scenario here, if she was 25 do you think my situation being the same here would merit different advice? Or does she really get a pass here just because she’s that much younger than me? I almost might be, but I don’t really see myself technically as anything like a sugar daddy to her. Feel free explain why I’m wrong though, my mind is open.

[bluecastle]

That is probably the biggest issue ; she is just past being a teenager and you are a full fledged adult. The brain is fully mature about age 25. She has a lot to go.

 

This.

 

Just being frank here? I think a lot of the reason you really, really want this to work is because, if it can, you don't have to do the work of asking why, at 25, you went for an 18-year-old or why, at 27, you are sprung and twisted into a knot by the whims of a 20-year-old.

 

You are, in other words, making her "your work" instead of working on yourself. Trouble is that playing with Play-Doh does not turn it into gold.

[Seraphim]

I never said she gets a pass for her age. Bad behaviour is bad behaviour. You are just at different points in life .

Okay, hypothetical scenario here, if she was 25 do you think my situation being the same here would merit different advice? Or does she really get a pass here just because she’s that much younger than me? I almost might be, but I don’t really see myself technically as anything like a sugar daddy to her. Feel free explain why I’m wrong though, my mind is open.

[JulianAR]

Because trust is a KEY element.

 

With which I agree. Actually I’d like to ask, and I hope you do t think I’m being too personal—feel free to avoid my post if it is—if you lost trust in your husband today do you think it would merit working on or would that just be the level of trust you work with from that point on? Yes, our relationships are different, but I want to give a challenging perspective to test your personal perspectives on relationships if that’s okay. Feel free to tell me it’s not.

[bluecastle]

Okay, hypothetical scenario here, if she was 25 do you think my situation being the same here would merit different advice? Or does she really get a pass here just because she’s that much younger than me? I almost might be, but I don’t really see myself technically as anything like a sugar daddy to her. Feel free explain why I’m wrong though, my mind is open.

 

The point is that if she was 25 or—wait for it—30 this situation would not exist. It would be a way she behaved once upon a time, when she was younger, still coming into herself, more drawn to sauce than depth. Instead of being the older guy she wasn't quite ready for—or the older guy who held her hand through a flighty stage in life—you'd be a peer, an equal, on the same level, coming into things with shared values and goals and building trust and connection from there, rather than trying to wrangle it all into a shape it's not ready to take.

[JulianAR]

This.

 

Just being frank here? I think a lot of the reason you really, really want this to work is because, if it can, you don't have to do the work of asking why, at 25, you went for an 18-year-old or why, at 27, you are sprung and twisted into a knot by the whims of a 20-year-old.

 

You are, in other words, making her "your work" instead of working on yourself. Trouble is that playing with Play-Doh does not turn it into gold.

 

Well, I can’t disagree with you here. I’m not sure what I’m going to do but for the first time in this thread I agree with all your points.

[JulianAR]

I never said she gets a pass for her age. Bad behaviour is bad behaviour. You are just at different points in life .

 

Yeah. I mean I can’t disagree with you there.

[JulianAR]

The point is that if she was 25 or—wait for it—30 this situation would not exist. It would be a way she behaved once upon a time, when she was younger, still coming into herself, more drawn to sauce than depth. Instead of being the older guy she wasn't quite ready for—or the older guy who held her hand through a flighty stage in life—you'd be a peer, an equal, on the same level, coming into things with shared values and goals and building trust and connection from there, rather than trying to wrangle it all into a shape it's not ready to take.

 

Well, I can safely say I’ve plateaud in this discussion. This is the biggest point that I honestly know it’s true. I just still don’t know what I’m gonna do.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately your relationship sounds controlling and suffocating and unhealthy. This lack of autonomy and policing and patrolling is quite toxic. Change all the pass codes, get some boundaries and learn what trust vs paranoia is. So what? A friend flirted with her, does that require some sort of true confession?

My girlfriend and I are on completely open terms with each other as far as our relationship goes. Even to the point where we know all of each other’s passcodes to everything. One day however I’m scrolling through her phone waiting for my own to charge because I’m curious as to how a conversation between her and her sister went about moving in with her sister.

[DancingFool]

I feel incredibly judged, to be honest. Sure, maybe I have to accept her for what she is, but I really don’t get why I’m the disgusting one for my concerns. I’m not saying none of anyone’s advice is valid as it is, I just want to discuss it past “you don’t trust her.” It doesn’t seem like everyone here is willing to do that, are they?

 

Judged? No, not judging at all. Tough love for sure. People are trying to help you. However, you are deflecting all the advice, arguing while trying to cloak it all as "discussion". Lofty words don't change facts. Nobody here has a pony in your life and your choices. One thing about these boards is that you are going to get honest advice rather than a pat on the back and a carry on as is.

 

Whether you can accept the advice or not, that's a different matter. I don't think you are anywhere near ready to accept and that's OK. People move at their own pace. We do have plenty of posters come back later and say that at the time they weren't ready to hear the advice, but some months later came back and read it and were in a different frame, ready for it and it finally helped. It is what it is.