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Girl I'm dating doesn't want relationship due to very bad experience with ex-bf


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Hey,

So I've been dating this girl for about 1 month now, and I really like her, in fact I'm starting to fall in love.

It's been around 8 outings, and today I confessed my love to her.

So she's told me about a very ugly experience with her ex-bf, whom cheated on her multiple times, they broke up and she moved countries.

Her ex-bf managed to find out and followed her to this country where he managed to find out where she lived, following her and abusing her and what-not (I believe a fake instagram account was created to find out where she was ect).

This was around 2 years ago.

Anyway after confessing my love she said she wasn't ready for a relationship, and wasn't sure for how-long till she was ready and we should remain as friends, she seemed shocked when I told her and sad too.

I don't know what I should do, I really like this girl. Any suggestions? I would never cheat, and do that to someone.

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Unfortunately it sounds like you went way too fast "confessing your love" and scared her off. Back way up and just date and be patient. After a few dates you barely know someone no less love them, therefore it comes off as very creepy to say this. Never blurt stuff like that out.

 

Take things in a step-wise fashion. Go on dates, then ask her to be exclusive and so on. If you like this girl, just go on dates but be less intense and pull back.. If you are in the friendzone, then back off altogether.

- I've been dating this girl for about 1 month now, and I really like her, in fact I'm starting to fall in love.

-today I confessed my love to her.

-after confessing my love she said she wasn't ready for a relationship

- she seemed shocked when I told her and sad too.

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Can I ask how old you two are?

 

All anyone can do in these situations is listen to what they are being told. She’s told you, in no uncertain words, that she doesn’t share your feelings and is not ready for a relationship. Given that your feelings for her are not friendly, I would suggest taking the blow, moving on, and cutting contact. Trying to be friends with her will likely be insincere on your part, and just prolong pain.

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Sorry to say this but she's just using the bad ex BF experience excuse to get out of an awkward situation. Tho she was enjoying dating you, she's not THAT into you. She just offered the friendship card to get out of it. So sorry my friend, but this love is lost, and you should move on, because I know she will be.

From her response it was never really "dating" that you two were just hanging out.

Chin up tho, you just haven't met the right one yet that would say they love you back. She's out there.

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She's probably back with her abusive ex.

 

Be glad she's gone. You don't want to get mixed up with anyone who has such drama in their life to the point that he follows her to different countries. She's still way toooooo far involved with her ex to be able to be a good partner to anyone.

 

Next time you find yourself crushing hard on a girl so early into the relationship, keep your words to yourself and show her in actions that you care and value her until you are sure that she is feeling the same way and is showing you in actions that she "loves" you back.

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Sorry to say this but she's just using the bad ex BF experience excuse to get out of an awkward situation. Tho she was enjoying dating you, she's not THAT into you. She just offered the friendship card to get out of it. So sorry my friend, but this love is lost, and you should move on, because I know she will be.

From her response it was never really "dating" that you two were just hanging out.

Chin up tho, you just haven't met the right one yet that would say they love you back. She's out there.

 

- that's one possibility.

 

Another is this - Many people are on the rebound after a breakup and not ready to love again yet. Especially if they were married or the breakup was traumatic - and this one was very traumatic, her ex was a stalker.

 

The timing was off between you two, she's not emotionally available. All you can do is date another woman. She's not the only fish in the sea.

 

But whether she's on the rebound or it was just an excuse, the bottom line is, she's just not that into you.

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The only conclusion I can come to with this limited information is that your choice in dates could be improved. I don't buy the story about her ex. And I also don't buy that she was shocked. There are any number of variables from mental illness or disability to naivete to manipulation that could explain why she behaves the way she does but one trend seems rather constant: she has no idea how her actions affect or could have possible outcomes on her future whether it comes to in-person dating, keeping her online persona and contacts private etc etc etc. This is a person that is either rendered incapable of connecting the dots and creating a safer or healthier future or she's just unwilling to.

 

You get to make the decision whether you'd like this company.

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Respect and honor her wishes. Be a friend and wait. If your patience runs out one of these days, perhaps she's not the one for you.

 

In the meantime, be a good friend. You've only been dating her for one month! You don't know her well enough. Both of you need to grow accustomed to each others personalities and characters. Establish a trustworthy, solid friendship for a long time before you even think of any relationship. Be wise and take it very, very, very slow.

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Trust me when I say this: if someone says they're not ready for a relationship and they have enough self awareness to realize their still hurt from they're last relationship...believe them.

 

You might lose the girl. That happens but the alternative is much worse: you could have a bad relationship where she hurts you because she's still dealing with her own hurt.

 

I was in your place. Met a guy. Things went well and I was so eager to be his girlfriend and got slightly annoyed he was taking so long to ask me out -> had that conversation with him and realized he was hesitant but gave him an ultimatum and he asked me out. I didn't want to be on standby anymore and asked for a solid answer, he was afraid to lose me and made a decision he should've thought about for a while.

 

Thing is...this was a terrible relationship because he clearly wasn't ready and couldn't admit that to himself.

 

Be her friend. You never know what can change in 2 years but be thankful she has enough self awareness to choose not to drag everyone down with her.

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When you try to rescue a damsel in distress, you just end up with distressed damsel.

 

The ex bf could be an excuse, or a valid reason. Regardless, you know where you stand. Don't wait around, and stop pursuing her. Move on to bigger and better adventures.

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