Project Dating!

[Batya33]

I do self improvement work daily. I would not watch a youtube video for that unless it was recommended by a professional or someone I knew who was skilled in that area. For example I watch Supernanny for parenting tips as do a number of my friends. I read articles and books by certain professionals I trust. I used to love Dr. Joy Browne -RIP -and I like Oprah and Dr. Phil and Martha Beck. I think those videos you mention are a waste of time and I am really picky because I don't have a lot of free time. I also spend time talking with people I trust who have life experience I respect and admire -like my mother, my sister, certain close friends and family.

[Ian4996]

Ok a few updates (I've decided to just update this around once a week, as daily was becoming quite time consuming). I've had 7 first meets in the week or so since I last posted. The first 5 were all one and done's, the last 2 really excellent.

 

First of all, I'll just give a bit more detail on what happened with Lena. It turned out there was also someone else on the scene. I messaged her the day after our meet and she replied really enthusiastically. I then texted her a question, which she only answered 3 days later, very apologetically saying she'd been seeing someone else and things had been going well. I must admit, I was pretty disconsolate. I felt on our 1st meet a better connection and attraction with Lena than I had had with anyone else in over 2 years, and I had been very hopeful that it might go somewhere. I got the impression that she must have had an on off thing going for quite a while (ie she hadn't met someone and become exclusive in the 4 days since we'd met!). I think that when we met, it must have been off, but then within a couple of days, it was back on again.

Anyway, I dropped her a message just to leave the door potentially open for the future. I told her I'd liked her a lot when we'd met and that if she became single again in the future, to drop me a message and that, if I was single myself, it'd be great to meet up again. But that otherwise I wouldn't be in contact as I'm not into the whole 'let's be friends' thing. I think there's a possibility I'll hear from her again but we'll see.

 

Anyway, 1st meets since:

 

Fri 28th Feb: Jenny - very attractive blond Canadian girl. Had a fun date, we kissed a bit, told her at the end I'd like to see her again and she said she would too. Texted her the next day, never got a response and I saw she'd unmatched me on Tinder.

 

Sat 29th Feb: Andrea. Very similar story to Jenny. I was more 50/50 on whether I'd see Andrea again, but anyway, I dropped her a text the following day and never got a response.

 

Sun 1st Mar: Polish girl, I've forgotten her name. We'd done a lot of flirting via messages beforehand. Met and chatted for 45 mins, I was genuinely enjoying her company and then she suddenly said 'I'm so sorry, I don't feel the connection like we had on the messages' and that was more or less that.

 

I resolved after this meet to cut down on the pre-date messaging - I'd moved back towards a lots of texting / false e-connection thing that I'd previously sworn away from, and this reminded me of how an e-connection does not necessarily translate to an in-person connection.

 

Wed 4th March (morning): Ashleigh: we went for breakfast and a coffee. Ashleigh was nice but too old for me – she was 7 years older which, for me, isn't an issue if they look and act more my age, but that wasn't the case here - I definitely felt the age difference and there wasn't an attraction for me.

 

Wed 4th March (evening): Jenny (not the same Jenny as above). Jenny and I were very obviously not a match. I wasn't very attracted to her in person and, although I don't think she was really a bad person, I found her a little bit snobby and I didn't particularly enjoy her company (she'd probably say similar about me to be fair!)

 

At this point, I started to feel a bit worn out with the whole app dating thing. I realised that going on so many dates was starting to wear me out and making me neglect other areas of my life – I got home after this last date and realised that I had almost literally no food in the kitchen as I'd been so busy with Tinder that I'd not even got round to going shopping! In the week since, I've drastically cut down – ie a lot fewer Tinder chats ongoing simultaneously and giving myself time to do other things, which I'm starting to feel a lot better from.

 

Sun 7th March: Heather: this was a really fun date! We went for a walk amongst the sand dunes (same place I met Helen a couple of weeks ago) then went into a local working man's club for a drink. In the pub, we were flirting a lot and then on the walk back through the sand dunes, we made out quite heavily. There was a lot of sexual chemistry between us (not at the start but from the pub onwards) and we're meeting again tonight, going for a Chinese. My only slight reservations with Heather is that she looked quite a bit older when make up free and I'd say she had a good body, but not an amazing body, which is what I normally go for. Having said that, there was certainly attraction and chemistry there and I'm looking forward to tonight.

 

Tue 9th March: Sam: this was really awesome! Sam was stunningly attractive with an unbelievable body (ex-international track and field athlete) and seemed like a really lovely girl too, a bit shyer than you'd expect from looking at her. I was at times a bit nervous, partly because I felt I was playing in a totally different league to what I was used to. But my nervousness didn't seem to put Sam off. We made out several times throughout the date and then had an amazing intimate make-out session in the car park at the end. We've made plans for an activity for a 2nd date (but not when, I'll text her later to see what her schedule is) and I'm really looking forward to seeing Sam again.

[Batya33]

I vote for Sam given your emphasis on looks/body type and wanting an "amazing" body as being important to you in feeling attracted to someone. It wouldn't be fair to Heather to settle for her and you wouldn't be doing any favors by trying to overlook that you think she looks older without makeup and lacks an amazing body.

[bluecastle]

Sorry to hear about Lena, but love the way you handled it. Shows an ability to not take it all personally, which is quite attractive and will do you plenty of favors—in dating, in an eventual relationship, in the general business of being cozy in your own skin.

 

I also agree with Batya in regards to Sam and Heather. I don't think of myself as a shallow person, but I'll readily admit that certain surface-level parameters are important to me, and so I dated only inside those parameters. Did that limit my pool? Certainly. But it also meant that I never had to challenge myself to see if I could overlook something (like not finding someone knee-buckling attractive) in order to see about a connection. Knowing I would never want to be with a woman who was trying to "grow" to find me attractive, I didn't want to put a woman in that position, even if it was only in my mind.

[Batya33]

Sorry to hear about Lena, but love the way you handled it. Shows an ability to not take it all personally, which is quite attractive and will do you plenty of favors—in dating, in an eventual relationship, in the general business of being cozy in your own skin.

 

I also agree with Batya in regards to Sam and Heather. I don't think of myself as a shallow person, but I'll readily admit that certain surface-level parameters are important to me, and so I dated only inside those parameters. Did that limit my pool? Certainly. But it also meant that I never had to challenge myself to see if I could overlook something (like not finding someone knee-buckling attractive) in order to see about a connection. Knowing I would never want to be with a woman who was trying to "grow" to find me attractive, I didn't want to put a woman in that position, even if it was only in my mind.

 

I love stories about couples whose attraction grew over time -but not in a settling way at all. But for people with more specific requirements about what body types/physical features are attractive I agree as in Ian's case to let Heather go so she can find someone who wouldn't be doing her any favors or "trying" to be into her particular body type. I ended up being highly attracted to a very obese man - after a year of platonic acquaintanceship/friendship -one reason it worked was because it wasn't about him "growing on me" -we were purely friends- phone friends mostly- no flirting - until we met for dinner one night - all of a sudden I felt a spark. Then we met again and he called it a "date" - but by then I'd found myself -really surprisingly- thinking of him in a romantic way despite his obesity -I'd never before been attracted to someone overweight like that - in fact I'd declined setup dates with obese or very overweight men (I always was thin/slim, still am).

 

I know of many women who won't date short men - which widened my date pool since I actually preferred shorter men (ironically, obese guy was well over 6 foot tall -again, out of type). So I get that there are people who have very specific requirements. OP -probably best then if you make sure your person you ultimately choose is dedicated to getting her figure back if she gets pregnant - I forgot if you want children. I did, my immediate family members did and I know many many women who did not for a number of reasons so if you are that specific just keep in mind about bodily changes like that.

[bluecastle]

Totally agree.

 

This is one of those places, I think, where online dating is just a touch limited. Example? I met an ex of mine—wonderful woman, wonderful relationship—through a mutual friend: platonic hangs in the same circle. First time I saw her? I didn't think "Whoa—attractive!" Ditto the second, or twelfth. Hard to say why I wasn't insta-smitten on a purely surface-level assessment since she wasn't exactly an outlier in terms of my tastes, but that's humanity for you. Anyhow, one fateful night the switch went off, I found myself incredibly attracted to her, felt that spark, and we were off to the races for a few years—an emotionally rich and wonderful chapter in my life, though unlikely one that would have happened had we met on a dating app.

 

It's easy to get cynical about this side of things, but I think it's just the nature of the beast: hard for "attraction to grow" when you're meeting someone from a swipe. As opposed to in a platonic setting, your radar is just more tuned into the potential for romance, for chemistry, and with so little to go on, the surface attraction carries weight—more for some, of course, than others. In Ian's case, per your suggestions, it certainly seems that hewing to a specific set of variables on the body front will help, so he can see about attraction growing (as in deepening, expanding) inside a "system" where the cards aren't already stacked against both him and a woman.

[Batya33]

So I think all the texting before can sabotage growing attraction if the person or people develop expectations of having chemistry in person - so then, there's that ramped up expectation and if it's not met, it's easier to throw in the towel. But if you do a quick first meet after limited texting then for those who are willing to be on the fence for a few dates, you can keep meeting and better replicate what it would be like if you met someone in a group activity and got to know them.

[Ian4996]

Thanks both for your thoughts. I do think that I've been a bit misunderstood here in terms of the level of surface level physical attractiveness I need in a partner. Sam does have cover model looks and the body of an elite athlete and, like most men, I find that very alluring. But I don't think it's true to say that I need that level of attractiveness in a partner and that I should let someone go after 1 date if they fall slightly short of these physical levels.

 

I've been in love (in terms of my feelings for them) with 2 women in the past, and neither of them had cover model looks or an elite athlete body. They were both nice looking girls and slim, but hypothetically if you'd asked most men to rate them out of 10 on surface level attraction, they'd probably both have scored a lot more 7's than 9's or 10's. I'm not into 'rating' women just to be clear here - I'm just saying this to illustrate my point that I don't need extreme levels of surface level attraction in a partner.

 

To update anyway, me and Heather had a really good 2nd date on Wednesday and she's coming here on Sunday for our 3rd with me cooking. We get on great, it feels very natural and I'm really looking forward to seeing her on Sunday.

 

Sam, meanwhile, seems to have ghosted me! When we got home on Tuesday night, we exchanged a couple of messages and she told me it had been really great to meet me. I messaged her the following evening to set up the activity we'd talked about for our 2nd date and asked her what her schedule was like next week. More than 2 days later, she hasn't replied. This is one of those things that I still find genuinely baffling about online dating - how people can be so change-able - from 'that was an awesome date, I can't wait to see you again' one night to then not even replying to the other person the following night!

[Batya33]

I'm not talking about levels of attraction. I'm talking about your emphasis on particular physical features. When I was 8 months pregnant and had gained 35 pounds (started out slim!) my husband found me very very attractive. Same during the 5-6 months it took me to lose the remaining 10 pounds or so. Because this is not about what 'most men" find attractive in a physical sense -it's about what the couple feels for each other as far as chemistry and levels of attraction. Very often this only has a bit to do with actual physical features.

 

It's not online dating as far as changeable - it's just dating. People change their minds all the time in early dating. Also as you say you are picking women you believe "most men" would find physically attractive so whether you initially meet online or not, they are likely to have more male attention/bigger dating pool -so depending on their mindset they may choose to sample more of the goods. Now when I was looking to get married I dated around as much as possible so as not to get my hopes up/put all my eggs in one basket/forego opportunities - but I dated a number of men at once until I met someone I wanted exclusivity with -and I didn't have casual sex. I found that typically women who do start hooking up very early on or have casual sex are probably not as focused on the long term -it might "happen" but it's not as much their focus. Obviously a broad generalization -just saying what personally was my experience over the many years I dated.

[Ian4996]

People change their minds all the time in early dating.

 

I've come to realise this. I've had several examples since I started this journal of a really good 1st date that never leads to a 2nd. Although curiously, this change of heart never happens from my point of view - if I say I've had a really good 1st date and I want to see someone again, then that doesn't change.

 

To update, myself and Heather had our 3rd date last Sunday. It was a really good date, we spent the night together and the sex was really good. It seems really strange to type that though because now, the idea of inviting someone into your house and having physical contact with them is almost unthinkable whereas, a week ago, it wasn't - everything's become so much more stringent re the spread of the virus in a very short space of time, certainly here in the UK.

Me and Heather chatted tonight and I said 'what do you want to do? Shall we keep in contact via Skype etc for the next however long and then meetup again after?' I actually half expected her to say 'no let's leave it' (I think I've become accustomed to having women I like change their mind because it's happened so many times) so was pleasantly surprised when she said that she wants us to see each other again for sure.

[bluecastle]

Heather!

 

Sounds like a great third date. A totally strange time—in the world, and, by extension, in romance—but it's great that she wants to keep in touch, keep seeing about feeling it out: a bit in these strange times, perhaps, and once we're on the other side of them. Which we will be.

 

Personal story, for whatever it's worth. Many years ago I met a great woman, connected hard. We'd been cursory friends for a few months—I think I mentioned this in an earlier post on this thread—and then became involved romantically. That involvement lasted, I think, five days before I had to leave town for 2 months to go to an artist's retreat I'd been invited to.

 

The day before I left we were all: "How do we do this?" My suggestion? That we write old fashioned letters. Which we did, for 60 days, augmenting them with some fun texting. It was really nice, not just in the dewy romantic quality of it all, but that we were able to "talk" and "listen" in a world removed from sweat, pheromones, all those emotional accelerants. Learned so much about her in those letters.

 

When we finally saw each other? No doubt we were both nervous that we'd built it all up over pen and paper, that we couldn't compete with that. Well, turned out we could. We were together for a few years, very good years. Wasn't meant to go longer than that—another story, and not a sad one—but just a little example of how record scratches don't have to be the end of the dance.

[Ian4996]

Yes, I think you have mentioned that before. It's a good example of how different circumstances can give a fresh perspective (ie doing something like writing letters that you'd never normally do). I've actually found something similar - online Scrabble! I'll come to this is a minute:

 

So updates past few days. Nothing's actually 'happened' obviously as no-one can leave the house here other than for exercise alone or to buy essential groceries. Me and Heather are keeping in daily contact with bits of banter etc and we're playing Scrabble online tonight. She's having to work long hours, unlike me though.

I'm not really making an effort on Tinder in the sense that I'm not sending out first messages. I don't consider myself 'taken' at the moment, as me and Heather have only had 3 actual dates - it's more that I can't really be bothered sending 1st messages right now just because it's probably 3 months til I can actually meet any of them.

I have though had an 'e-encounter' over the past couple of days that has now ended but has really made me think. I received a message (ie she messaged me first) from a stunning girl who I'll call Chantelle. A bit of digging online and I found out she was a moderately well-known TV presenter in her native country and a contestant in beauty pageants but now living over here. After a bit of chit-chat, I invited her for a game of online Scrabble last night. Early in the game, I played the word 'pert' and she messaged me saying 'like my ' and from that point on, we started flirting very heavily over Whatsapp. After a couple of hours, she sent me a photo of herself in bed and asked me if I'd send her an impromptu selfie back, which I did (clothes on, just smiling). She replied 'aww smily face' then deleted me from Tinder and blocked me on Whatsapp!

Now the reason I say this has made me think so much is that it made me feel really sh*t! I felt quite hurt and it took me 4 hours of tossing and turning to get to sleep. But I'm not sure why it made me feel like this - after all, I've been rejected by loads of women in the past and I thought I'd developed a pretty thick skin to it. Yet here I was feeling really sh*t because of a rejection by someone who I'd never even met. I'm feeling ok this morning but still haven't figured that one out!

 

Anyway, final thing, to come back to online Scrabble - this is something that I'd never have thought of suggesting to a Tinder match had we not been stuck at home in isolation. But I do think it's a great idea! I've read stuff before saying that when you do things with someone, you can develop a closer bond with them, and I definitely think there's a lot of truth in that, thinking back through my own past experiences. And I think this is part of the weakness of online dating - there's often no context to it, nothing there that helps to build that bond.

[Batya33]

You weren't rejected personally -she's a person who is comfortable showing her naked body to strangers- and your first analysis of her was "stunning girl" and you valued her involvement in beauty pageants so that's not a personal assessment either - it's what she looked like and that she's a "girl" -kind of a random description of a hot looking stranger you might see anywhere. Neither of you was treating the other as more than a mild flirtation, sexual mindset. So when she was done getting her ego stroked by your positive assesment of her body, she was done and ready to move on for the next fix. You signed up for this kind of interaction - this is one of the downsides -neither of you treating the other like a person from the inside so why expect any different treatment?

 

I know it must be so frustrating to try dating right now!!! But what you did had nothing to do with trying to date. Still I can only imagine - we have our struggles from a whole different type of world right now and I've been listening to different radio programs about dating right now -wow. I wish you all the best when you can date again.

[Ian4996]

Thanks I agree with pretty much all of that. And I know that when you get involved in this kind of online flirting, it can be very frivolous. To be honest, I normally don't - it's more that there's a hell of a lot of hours in the day to kill when you can't leave the house, so a fun interaction is a nice way to pass some time.

 

Something I would say though is that I do need more than 'hot', I need someone I can also have a really good interaction with. This I think is why I found the ending so strange - our interaction had been very enjoyable aside from the sexual flirting. We'd also been chatting about hiking, dogs, running, Scrabble etc etc. I'd kind of expect that kind of block delete type behaviour from someone who I'd had nothing more than a naughty chat with but not someone with whom I'd had a really good general interaction.

[bluecastle]

Surgical analysis by Batya, right there.

 

Picking up my own scalpel to add to it? Perhaps part of what stings from an exchange like that is that it kind of highlights some aspects of yourself that you don't totally love living with: a heightened thirst level, let's call it. Thirst for romance, for attention, for validation, for hotties. No judgement, mind you. This is a bonkers weird moment, a lonesome moment for many, and I'm sure there are millions upon millions using Tinder, randy phrases in text bubbles, and selfie exchanges to soften the edge. Still, you might want to take a moment, in the wake of that, to ask if this is really the best means for you—if it's serving your most genuine interests, in both the immediacy of this moment and in general.

 

You've got a little juju going with Heather—limited, yes, but at least reality-based. Maybe just enjoy that simmer for a moment, without needing to augment it with more spice? Maybe redirect some of that energy elsewhere? Asking a friend how they're doing, or going down some wormholes on a site like this and listening to other people reckon with their lives, offering some advice or support? You're a good writer, perceptive, and you may find some reward in that. Just riffing here.

 

I guess what I'm saying is that this "rejection" might sting because you're a little mixed up with trying to extract something like depth from pretty shallow waters, and it's that—the shallowness, once revealed—that stings. Again, that's not judgement. I can see myself, in past lives, enjoying a little back and forth like that, as I've enjoyed them: makeouts in bars, two heat-seekers colliding, and so on. Key is to not pretend it's anything but that, until it proves itself to be, which is almost never. When someone leads with hot, flirty, impulsive, and flighty it's rarely a door opening to anything more than a dash of hot sauce.

 

One of the things that's hard right now, for millions of people, is that we are being forced to give up things we were pursuing for ourselves, things that brought a sense of meaning, a sense of hope. I can't work right now, am watching money vanish. The money part I'm less worried about—I've long proved capable of weathering storms—but the inability to work is hard on the head, the spirit. Dating, for you, was important, understandably so: you want to find the special someone, and you've been putting in a lot of sincere energy toward making that happen. Now a pause button has been pressed on that, globally. So very hard. It will pass, however, so try to use this time to continue with the good habits that keep directing you toward that thing you want. A month or three from now, this moment will be part of a continuum—our lives being lived—rather than an intermission.

[Batya33]

Thanks I agree with pretty much all of that. And I know that when you get involved in this kind of online flirting, it can be very frivolous. To be honest, I normally don't - it's more that there's a hell of a lot of hours in the day to kill when you can't leave the house, so a fun interaction is a nice way to pass some time.

 

Something I would say though is that I do need more than 'hot', I need someone I can also have a really good interaction with. This I think is why I found the ending so strange - our interaction had been very enjoyable aside from the sexual flirting. We'd also been chatting about hiking, dogs, running, Scrabble etc etc. I'd kind of expect that kind of block delete type behaviour from someone who I'd had nothing more than a naughty chat with but not someone with whom I'd had a really good general interaction.

 

Nothing wrong with sexting/sexual flirting but your interaction had nothing to do with dating or being rejected by someone you are dating (or even trying to date in the future) -have fun with the flirting -it sounds great -but just sayin' it's not dating or trying to date

[Ian4996]

Perhaps part of what stings from an exchange like that is that it kind of highlights some aspects of yourself that you don't totally love living with: a heightened thirst level, let's call it

 

trying to extract something like depth from pretty shallow waters, and it's that—the shallowness, once revealed—that stings. Again, that's not judgement. I can see myself, in past lives, enjoying a little back and forth like that, as I've enjoyed them: makeouts in bars, two heat-seekers colliding, and so on. Key is to not pretend it's anything but that, until it proves itself to be, which is almost never

 

Dating, for you, was important, understandably so: you want to find the special someone, and you've been putting in a lot of sincere energy toward making that happen. Now a pause button has been pressed on that, globally. So very hard. It will pass, however, so try to use this time to continue with the good habits that keep directing you toward that thing you want

 

Yeah, good analysis, I'd be inclined to agree on all 3 of these points.

 

Maybe redirect some of that energy elsewhere? Asking a friend how they're doing, or going down some wormholes on a site like this and listening to other people reckon with their lives, offering some advice or support? You're a good writer, perceptive, and you may find some reward in that.

 

Yeah. I'm not too bad in terms of things to keep me occupied. I'm lucky enough that the sun's out and I've got a decent garden so I've been spending 5 or 6 hours a day on garden projects and I've also got 1 or 2 hour's work most days. I guess it's more evening onwards that I start to get bored and therefore more susceptible to the attentions of flirtatious Tinder ladies. What are you doing to fill the time by the way with having no work?

 

Re other threads on here: I do read them and I have occasionally given my thoughts in the past. I often think 'what would my advice be?' but then see that numerous other people have already advised exactly what I would have anyway so then I tend not to bother. For example, literally just now I was reading the 'I want my boyfriend to pay all the rent in our flat' thread and was about to comment before I saw that my opinion (you should pay your half) had already been voiced by probably 10 or 15 other people. I might start giving my thoughts a bit more though, that's not a bad idea.

[bluecastle]

I guess it's more evening onwards that I start to get bored and therefore more susceptible to the attentions of flirtatious Tinder ladies.

 

And, hey, no shame in that. Perspective, though, is key. It's like drug use, which I don't partake in, but have very liberal views about. Want to smoke a joint to get a little loopy? All good, so long as you don't mistake the high for anything but, you know, being high. And if chasing that loopy high becomes a bit consuming—well, always worth asking if there's another place to get loopy that doesn't throw you for too much of a loop.

 

Whether you're doing a quick selfie exchange bordering on sexting, or deconstructing Heidegger's existentialism, if it's happening on your phone's screen with someone you swiped right on an hour earlier it's just kind of fluff. Two people killing time, getting a buzz on. Might evolve into something more—the rarest, rarest of possibilities—but is more likely bound to fade out. Like, well, being a little high.

 

What are you doing to fill the time by the way with having no work?

 

Oh, I'm kind of primed for this. A lot of my work is staring at walls and thinking, and every so often cobbling something together from those thoughts that people give me money for. The running joke among my friends who do the same thing is that millions of people are learning what it feels like to do what we do. So I'm doing plenty of that, while coming on here to blow off of steam by wrestling with the steam of others. It's an addiction I've deemed a healthy one, more like coffee than the illicit stuff. Away from here? I am reading a lot.

 

I live half the week with a child, and while that child is not mine, and has two incredible parents, there is always something on that front. For me it often means doing what I can to make the work of motherhood a bit easier for my girlfriend, and I take great joy in that. It also devours time, so win-win for everyone.

[Ian4996]

Perspective, though, is key. It's like drug use

 

I'd agree, the text flirting with strangers does have a lot of similarities with using a drug - it's fun while it lasts, it takes you away from reality for a while but it doesn't achieve anything and can leave you feeling a bit rubbish afterwards! I'm cutting back a bit on Tinder for now - it's hard to motivate myself to keep messaging when there's no prospect of a meet for so long. It feels like playing poker 'not for money, just for fun' - I need the money to keep me genuinely interested in a poker game, and I need the prospect of a date to keep me genuinely interested in swapping Tinder messages. Myself and Heather are getting on well too. We've been texting regularly and chatted on the phone for an hour this evening.

 

A lot of my work is staring at walls and thinking, and every so often cobbling something together from those thoughts that people give me money for.

 

I reckon you're a writer of some sort, which would make sense from how well-written your messages are on here! I reckon you might be a TV scriptwriter, something like that

[Batya33]

Perspective, though, is key. It's like drug use

 

I'd agree, the text flirting with strangers does have a lot of similarities with using a drug - it's fun while it lasts, it takes you away from reality for a while but it doesn't achieve anything and can leave you feeling a bit rubbish afterwards! I'm cutting back a bit on Tinder for now - it's hard to motivate myself to keep messaging when there's no prospect of a meet for so long. It feels like playing poker 'not for money, just for fun' - I need the money to keep me genuinely interested in a poker game, and I need the prospect of a date to keep me genuinely interested in swapping Tinder messages. Myself and Heather are getting on well too. We've been texting regularly and chatted on the phone for an hour this evening.

 

A lot of my work is staring at walls and thinking, and every so often cobbling something together from those thoughts that people give me money for.

 

I reckon you're a writer of some sort, which would make sense from how well-written your messages are on here! I reckon you might be a TV scriptwriter, something like that

 

That all sounds like good insight and good strategy!

[bluecastle]

Great attitude.

 

I'm a believer that a really critical place to get in life is a place where the hot sauce—flirtation, attention, that zing—isn't always needed to enjoy the meal of day to day living. Took some overdosing on the hot sauce for me to get to to that belief, I admit. Anyhow, this could be a good time to just let that stuff go for a bit and make room for...well, for something different. Will likely make for a slightly different mode of connectivity—with a Heather, or with a whomever when the time is right.

 

Your reckoning might just be right! I do a little of this, a little of that, but all of it involves playing with words, at least when I'm not staring at walls, which is actually most of it. Good training for sitting in edgy solitude, that's for sure.

[Ian4996]

I'm a believer that a really critical place to get in life is a place where the hot sauce—flirtation, attention, that zing—isn't always needed to enjoy the meal of day to day living.

 

Yeah I would agree with that. I guess in a way it's the difference between being content and being bored when there's nothing going on and no messages pinging in to your phone.

 

Updates from the past couple of days: been having good chats with a couple of girls Tricia and Charlotte. Me and Charlotte had an online scrabble 'date' this evening, which was good fun! Still chatting with Heather although a bit quieter past couple of days, as she's been very tired with work and some problems with her dog.

 

Bizarrely, this evening, I got a response from Sam. Sam is the girl I had an amazing date with 3 weeks ago who I then texted the following day and she never replied until tonight (3 whole weeks later!) Her replies this evening made no mention of the 2nd date that I'd suggested and just laughed at the funny video that I'd also sent and asked how I was getting on.

 

I must admit, this really made me think - why the bl**dy hell has she suddenly decided she wants to reconnect? I had a quick look at her Facebook (we're not Facebook friends but her privacy settings are low) to see if there were any clues - I found out that yesterday was her birthday and that she's off work ill possibly with low-level Coronavirus, same as me (I've had it myself but only low-level). I'm struggling though to see her illness as a good reason not to have messaged me back - she'd posted a couple of other things on Facebook in the intervening 3 weeks and my view is that if she's been well enough to post on Facebook, then she's also been well enough to reply to me.

 

I would in a way like there to be a really good genuine forgivable reason why she's taken 3 weeks to get back to me - the date we had was unbelievably good with really electric chemistry and attraction. But she's also shown me such unreliability and, as I mentioned at the very start of this journal, going for unreliable women (albeit with very high attraction and chemistry) has led me to very bad places in the past!

[bluecastle]

I'm surprised, I admit, that you find Sam's reaching out to you, well, surprising.

 

Here we are, after all, discussing how texting with semi-strangers can serve as a salve: to boredom, to longing, to thirst, to a very strange and scary time on planet earth. Would it not make sense that Sam, housebound during an uncertain moment, would explore such avenues in much the way you are? A rightward swipe here, a check-in with a right swipe from a few weeks back there?

 

I don't really think there's any need for a "good genuine forgivable" reason to explain it. What's to forgive, after all? She didn't stand you up. She just kind of faded, flaked, as people do. If you want to see what's what with letting her fade back in—well, that's a choice you can make, or not. If in your mind it already adds up to rewarding unreliability and potentially repeating past journeys to "very bad places" then it might be prudent to let it go, since through that lens Sam is already being seen as "potential mistake" rather than "person" in your mind.

[Batya33]

I'm surprised, I admit, that you find Sam's reaching out to you, well, surprising.

 

Here we are, after all, discussing how texting with semi-strangers can serve as a salve: to boredom, to longing, to thirst, to a very strange and scary time on planet earth. Would it not make sense that Sam, housebound during an uncertain moment, would explore such avenues in much the way you are? A rightward swipe here, a check-in with a right swipe from a few weeks back there?

 

I don't really think there's any need for a "good genuine forgivable" reason to explain it. What's to forgive, after all? She didn't stand you up. She just kind of faded, flaked, as people do. If you want to see what's what with letting her fade back in—well, that's a choice you can make, or not. If in your mind it already adds up to rewarding unreliability and potentially repeating past journeys to "very bad places" then it might be prudent to let it go, since through that lens Sam is already being seen as "potential mistake" rather than "person" in your mind.

 

Ian if it helps at all I've had a number of potential women friends do this - full of enthusiasm about meeting - two actually set a date, then MIA and resurfacing with no explanation about why they never followed up (yes, ball in their court to confirm). It's incredibly annoying. In one case I was foolish enough to help her hook up with a potential publisher - she was "appreciative' but had the gall to write to me a week later and ask me to follow up with the connection. Sigh. Too many times I've had women approach me through various facebook and nextdoor groups because they sooooo want to make new friends but then flake.

[Ian4996]

I'm surprised, I admit, that you find Sam's reaching out to you, well, surprising.

 

Yeah tbh it isn't really that surprising when you think about it. Home alone on her birthday, probably down in the dumps from being ill etc, as well as having those 'I don't have a boyfriend to share my birthday with' depressing thoughts that people can get, it is the sort of situation that can make people start seeking comfort in the attention of others. I do also think it's true that people do often resurface if you kinda stop caring and disappear (like I did with Sam).

 

I've not texted her back though, I might do, I'm not sure yet. I do share Batya's opinion that it is rude to ignore a message (particularly as I asked her a question in my message: 'what's your schedule over the next week?' - ie it was a message that I would expect a response from).

I am seeing this as a positive indicator of how far I've come in terms of not accepting shoddy standards in dating. In the past, I might have desperately followed up with another message after my first was ignored. Or I'd have been totally delighted that she'd got back in touch and sought to reconnect straight away.