My ex is mad I slept with someone else

[UnicornMama]

Thank you. I honestly think this is the best response so far. I appreciate the compassion you have while addressing the real issues. I understand I’m making less than desirable choices, I’m trying to navigate through all of it. Being postpartum has made it even more difficult as I plunged into PPD and have had to lose my career bc I have no child care, lose what I thought was my family, my husband, my stability, and give up on all our goals and dreams while coming to terms with the stranger that he has become. As for the sex, it’s only happened a couple times, but one to many. I have just wanted to repair the marriage, to figure out why he abruptly left, I wanted closure. As for cheating that crossed my mind to, but it’s a hard no. Our teenage son has gone to live with him and he has assured me there is no one else. My ex has also said there isn’t anyone else. A side from that, he sees the kids regularly and works a lot so his time is limited and I doubt he has time for a new girl. Also there was no behaviours leading up to him that suggested he was straying. Home on time, no difference in hygiene or appearance, no working out or being unavailable to reach, no out of the norm expenses or purchases. Cheating just doesn’t seem to fit the criteria. Plus if he already had a side piece why come back to me for sex? Not ruling it out completely, but also not sure that’s the case. Hell if it was I think I could process this easier and be like ‘well he left for a newer model’ it would offer more answers and give closure. Where as right now It just didn’t make sense. His only offering was that we had problems and he never communicated them to me until it became to much weight to bare. He’s also stated he’s confused and doesn’t know what he wants or who he is anymore but assured me he still love me, he just wasn’t sure if it was the same anymore.

[Hollyj]

" but assured me he still love me," His actions do not reflect this. This is a total string along. If he loved you, he would not have deserted ll of you. Why had;t he brought up any of the issues earlier? What are the issues?

[UnicornMama]

His reasons were that he didn’t know if he loved me the same way anymore. He stated he didn’t communicate properly to let me know he wasn’t happy with certain aspects of our marriage and instead just stayed compliant to keep me happy. Unfortunately I wasn’t aware he was unhappy with certain aspects. He never told me, he would come home happy to see us and again was very affectionate and caring. He did say he felt like he didn’t have much freedom and that he thought we’d be further in life then we are now. (He wants the big house with all the toys and luxurious vacations) his family also was a contributing factor, his mother loathes me and always has. She contested our relationship from the beginning and meddled a fair bit. He felt torn. Before he left his family held a private meeting for him, and told him he needed to leave me bc I was not a good fit for him.

 

He currently moved an hour out of the city and is living with his parents and plans on staying there for some time. They are renovating their basement to accommodate him and the children.

[Hollyj]

His reasons were that he didn’t know if he loved me the same way anymore. He stated he didn’t communicate properly to let me know he wasn’t happy with certain aspects of our marriage and instead just stayed compliant to keep me happy. Unfortunately I wasn’t aware he was unhappy with certain aspects. He never told me, he would come home happy to see us and again was very affectionate and caring. He did say he felt like he didn’t have much freedom and that he thought we’d be further in life then we are now. (He wants the big house with all the toys and luxurious vacations) his family also was a contributing factor, his mother loathes me and always has. She contested our relationship from the beginning and meddled a fair bit. He felt torn. Before he left his family held a private meeting for him, and told him he needed to leave me bc I was not a good fit for him.

 

He currently moved an hour out of the city and is living with his parents and plans on staying there for some time. They are renovating their basement to accommodate him and the children.

 

Wow! That is terrible.

 

He said that he does not love you in the same way, but then also told you recently that he still loved you. I do not understand? I think he said this so that he could sweep back in to sleep with you. That is really bad.

[Hollyj]

Are you getting help from your family? What do they say in all of this?

 

He never had any intention of returning: remodeling of parents home.

[UnicornMama]

I’m coming to terms with the fact he has no intentions of returning. It’s a hard pill to swallow. Yet when we’re together, we just flow. We talk effortlessly, we laugh and he still tells me about his day and what’s going on in his life. We try to stay as amicable for the kids as we don’t want them in the middle. So we act appropriately around them, share time and discuss any issues needing addressing, all medical, and their schooling and such together. We don’t use them as pawns so that’s been nice, bc I know lots of people who fight over the kids. It’s just so confusing, all his actions say he’s done, he’s moving on, he has no intentions of returning. But then he says all the opposite. That he is confused, that his head tells him we won’t work but his heart says he still wants to be with me. He says he’s torn between his family and his family, that he feels like he failed us and that he feels immense regret. That he wishes he spoke to me before it was too late, that he should have communicated better with me but that he feels there’s too much damage to work out. Then he feels bad for hurting me bc in his words I’m a great human and a good mum. He says he feels like he failed his kids, and morally he feels torn as he’s always believed in monogamy and when you get married you don’t divorce. But then he could absolutely be playing on me and just saying what I want to hear. I’m so torn and confused I have no idea if I should move forward yet hoping maybe he’ll get his act together and we can try counselling, or if I should just walk away and never look back. Which is hard, our youngest is just a baby, and thinking she’ll never experience her parents living together or the life of a two parent home breaks my heart. To hear our 3 yr old cry for daddy to come home, or our 9 yr old wishing we didn’t have to break up bc she feels her family is broken are the hardest things to work through. I’d give anything to have it work out and us become stronger healthier couple, but in reality I don’t think it’s going to ever happen.

[abitbroken]

instead just stayed compliant to keep me happy. Unfortunately I wasn’t aware he was unhappy with certain aspects. He never told me, he would come home happy to see us and again was very affectionate and caring. He did say he felt like he didn’t have much freedom and that he thought we’d be further in life then we are now. (He wants the big house with all the toys and luxurious vacations) his family also was a contributing factor, his mother loathes me and always has. She contested our relationship from the beginning and meddled a fair bit. He felt torn. Before he left his family held a private meeting for him, and told him he needed to leave me bc I was not a good fit for him.

 

He currently moved an hour out of the city and is living with his parents and plans on staying there for some time. They are renovating their basement to accommodate him and the children.

 

Read the bolded.

 

He is throwing things back on you.

 

And are you sure that you are not married to my ex? The "family" also decided we should divorce.

Lots of private meetings, etc.

 

Honestly, i would not have slept with someone, being that you had kids, and not being divorced due to his vindictive nature, or I would have NEVER told him because you know in your heart that he had no intention of staying with you and the only reason why he mentions staying is to manipulate you "i was GOING to come back BUT you did this..."

 

Please see an attorney to find out your rights, establish sole physical custody and file for a divorce yourself.

[Mari]

I’m coming to terms with the fact he has no intentions of returning. It’s a hard pill to swallow. Yet when we’re together, we just flow. We talk effortlessly, we laugh and he still tells me about his day and what’s going on in his life. We try to stay as amicable for the kids as we don’t want them in the middle. So we act appropriately around them, share time and discuss any issues needing addressing, all medical, and their schooling and such together. We don’t use them as pawns so that’s been nice, bc I know lots of people who fight over the kids. It’s just so confusing, all his actions say he’s done, he’s moving on, he has no intentions of returning. But then he says all the opposite. That he is confused, that his head tells him we won’t work but his heart says he still wants to be with me. He says he’s torn between his family and his family, that he feels like he failed us and that he feels immense regret. That he wishes he spoke to me before it was too late, that he should have communicated better with me but that he feels there’s too much damage to work out. Then he feels bad for hurting me bc in his words I’m a great human and a good mum. He says he feels like he failed his kids, and morally he feels torn as he’s always believed in monogamy and when you get married you don’t divorce. But then he could absolutely be playing on me and just saying what I want to hear. I’m so torn and confused I have no idea if I should move forward yet hoping maybe he’ll get his act together and we can try counselling, or if I should just walk away and never look back. Which is hard, our youngest is just a baby, and thinking she’ll never experience her parents living together or the life of a two parent home breaks my heart. To hear our 3 yr old cry for daddy to come home, or our 9 yr old wishing we didn’t have to break up bc she feels her family is broken are the hardest things to work through. I’d give anything to have it work out and us become stronger healthier couple, but in reality I don’t think it’s going to ever happen.

 

Hello UnicornMama, I wanted to give you my perspective on your situation. I think your husband left because of the stress. 7 kids, his family asking for a divorce and harassing gives him makes for a very stressful situation. And really what he's done is basically put the relationship in a position that's not as stressful for him. His family is content that the divorce is happening, you're still providing services he needs and things he likes about the relationship, and the responsibility on him has dropped considerably. I would see him staying in this limbo with little incentive to move towards either direction. Divorce means a loss of services, coming home means the stress is back up to full. Not divorcing you and getting what he needs out of the relationship is helpful in meeting his needs. When you slept with someone else this hurt his feelings for the limbo state he was in, but I don't think that if you hadn't he would've come back. He wouldn't be able to because the stress of being together would've still been there. Maybe in several years when the kids got older and things would've changed enough he would've been interested in coming out of the limbo state. Emotionally he still seems invested but he backs off because of the stress. As time would've gone on, the longer you two stayed apart the more used it both of you would've become. The love would then go down to a level that each of you could move on easily.

 

If you still want to stay together you would have to do two things. One is to have him agree to decrease the influence from his family, and the other is outlining a schedule of what his responsibilities would be had he stayed. He would have to agree on what he could handle without being too stressed out and you would have to agree on what would be acceptable to you. If his responsibilities being divorced are higher than his responsibilities staying together I would see him wanting to move towards staying with you instead of going through the divorce. And of course, you would have to have these two options be the only two options, otherwise he would happily take the limbo state for how ever long he's happy in it.

[itsallgrand]

What was your backup plan in place for if something went wrong ( divorce, one of you were to become disabled or die) with seven kids ?

[Mari]

One other thing I forgot to mention, I don't know if you have 7 kids because you're not allowed to stop yourself from having more. If that is the case then that is an additional stress factor that could favor your husband not coming back. Your husband leaves a few weeks after a newborn is born which goes with the theory that he's stressed out. A newborn on its own is stressful but when there are 6 more kids involved it's just crazy stressful. It's like you two just added one too many kids for him to handle staying together and he bailed. If you got back together and next year you're off having your 8th kid then I wouldn't be surprised if he bails again. Also, I don't know if he'll try to "even the score" and let you know. That could be a thing coming up too and I'm just warning you now so it's not too much of a shock later.

[boltnrun]

Of course he can afford to support his 7 children. He's supporting them now, isn't he?

[Hollyj]

One other thing I forgot to mention, I don't know if you have 7 kids because you're not allowed to stop yourself from having more. If that is the case then that is an additional stress factor that could favor your husband not coming back. Your husband leaves a few weeks after a newborn is born which goes with the theory that he's stressed out. A newborn on its own is stressful but when there are 6 more kids involved it's just crazy stressful. It's like you two just added one too many kids for him to handle staying together and he bailed. If you got back together and next year you're off having your 8th kid then I wouldn't be surprised if he bails again. Also, I don't know if he'll try to "even the score" and let you know. That could be a thing coming up too and I'm just warning you now so it's not too much of a shock later.

 

How could she ever trust this clown again! That's not even saying how destructive this mess is to the kids. if he couldn't deal with the stress then he should be wearing a condom.

 

OP, why so many children if you can't support them? Is he paying any support? Why are the tax payers funding the bill for your family?

 

What would happen the next time he gets stressed? Plus, he said that he no longer in love with her.

[melancholy123]

He abandoned you and your kids and your are still sleeping with him? Your husband is a total piece of crap and a horrible father. Lady, where is your self respect?!

 

Seek and attorney and get a divorce. You should be focusing on all of your kids, not another guy. Get your act together!

 

I agree. Your husband is a jerk and a lousy father. Get a divorce, stop sleeping with him. In fact have your lawyer contact his lawyer and you stop talking to him.

[abitbroken]

One other thing I forgot to mention, I don't know if you have 7 kids because you're not allowed to stop yourself from having more. If that is the case then that is an additional stress factor that could favor your husband not coming back. Your husband leaves a few weeks after a newborn is born which goes with the theory that he's stressed out. A newborn on its own is stressful but when there are 6 more kids involved it's just crazy stressful. It's like you two just added one too many kids for him to handle staying together and he bailed. If you got back together and next year you're off having your 8th kid then I wouldn't be surprised if he bails again. Also, I don't know if he'll try to "even the score" and let you know. That could be a thing coming up too and I'm just warning you now so it's not too much of a shock later.

 

 

Believe it or not, there are people in this world that want big families.

 

The problem is not the amount of kids --- there are plenty of dads that LOVE their big families and thrive.

 

The problem is that he gives his family too much sway. He never "leaved and cleaved"

If mom doesn't like his choice in wife, the time to speak up has long passed, well before the wedding. If he is not man enough to say "i love my family, and if you don't like it, we will not see much of you, mom"

 

My ex in laws wanted to handpick a wife who would "report back" to them about every little thing so they could control my ex (granted, no arranged marriages, just hoping he would pick someone they could walk over) and they did not get their way and also they blamed every time my ex didn't want to see them on me.

 

So, count your blessings, see an attorney and kick him and his family to the curb.

[abitbroken]

How could she ever trust this clown again! That's not even saying how destructive this mess is to the kids. if he couldn't deal with the stress then he should be wearing a condom.

 

OP, why so many children if you can't support them? Is he paying any support? Why are the tax payers funding the bill for your family?

 

What would happen the next time he gets stressed? Plus, he said that he no longer in love with her.

 

They are likely on assistance because the husband walked out. If he is paying no child support, going from stay at home mom or a job that is "mothers' hours" to raise these kids plus your husband's income to just yours does not cut it. But maybe i missed where she said they always were on it

[Hollyj]

I think a big family is great, as long as you can support it.

[Seraphim]

The thing is if he wanted the big house and the luxury vacations why the seven children ? Did you both plan the seven children together was it a unanimous decision ? Because I don’t see how anybody having seven children can have a luxury home and luxury vacations . Maybe he is saying he didn’t want that many children .

[itsallgrand]

They are likely on assistance because the husband walked out. If he is paying no child support, going from stay at home mom or a job that is "mothers' hours" to raise these kids plus your husband's income to just yours does not cut it. But maybe i missed where she said they always were on it

 

She mentioned she was working prior. I get the impression they were living day to day with no back up plan for when the emergencies of life come up. She said it's been 10 months since he left, and she's been on assistance in this time.

[jimthzz]

The thing is if he wanted the big house and the luxury vacations why the seven children ? Did you both plan the seven children together was it a unanimous decision ? Because I don’t see how anybody having seven children can have a luxury home and luxury vacations . Maybe he is saying he didn’t want that many children .

 

it is possible. I come from a family of 10 kids. My dad was a physician. We went on month-long car trips across the Western USA every year in the 60s-70s. Our home was a middle-class 5-bedroom kind of place.

 

If my parents stuck to just two kids they would have been materially rich. To my relief, number 5, they did not stop breeding...

 

Obviously, a lessor income wold have seriously inhibited disposable income.

[Seraphim]

it is possible. I come from a family of 10 kids. My dad was a physician. We went on month-long car trips across the Western USA every year in the 60s-70s. Our home was a middle-class 5-bedroom kind of place.

 

If my parents stuck to just two kids they would have been materially rich. To my relief, number 5, they did not stop breeding...

 

Obviously, a lessor income wold have seriously inhibited disposable income.

Well ,yes I as a physician’s family I can see how you would have luxury but every day Joe’s with seven kids are not going to have a luxury home or a luxury vacation . My uncle had five kids and just keeping them in a 4000 square-foot home and a holiday to Florida every year almost killed him .

[UnicornMama]

Just so everyone is aware, although not anyone’s business. I had a child before we met she’s 17, we have a set of twins that are 14, a 9 yr old and 3 littles 4 and under. My ex comes from a large family and we always wanted a large family. That was one of our first discussions before getting married. We are not sitting on government funds, I worked in health care he was a heavy duty mechanic. We made good income to support our family. Majority of our children were planned, However our last was a failed contraceptive. I’m only now on assistance bc I was on maternity leave when he left and was not able to return to work with three children under school age. Daycare is expensive and I’d be working to pay for daycare and when we agreed to our children daycare was never anything we wanted to utilize. I’ve always been a mom first and an employee second. We worked around each other’s schedules to accommodate this. Our family was not created by poor choices or lack of protection. It was created bc we wanted to create it. His family is more well off and even with lots of kids they travelled and owned a big home with all the fun toys (quads,boats,motorcycles etc) unfortunately we are not as well off as his parents and he has even admitted he’s driven by money. We have also taken family vacations, we own vehicles, we had income to go above and beyond bills, we were able to take our kids places and do things. These were not issues. We were planning the purchase of our first home, and we were planning a family trip that was suppose to take place this summer. So please for those who assumed and asked why their tax dollars are funding my family - please just stop projecting your views and assumptions on to my family.

[UnicornMama]

We also took a trip to Florida and took the kids to Disney world.

[Seraphim]

I think we are all just trying to figure out what is his issue. Personally I think it boils down to his family. In which case I feel for you . I have been having to stomach my in-laws for 30 years and believe me it’s almost killed me to do so .

 

Because it seems he doesn’t have any real issues and just makes up fluff .

[UnicornMama]

I agree. Your husband is a jerk and a lousy father. Get a divorce, stop sleeping with him. In fact have your lawyer contact his lawyer and you stop talking to him.

 

 

Well not talking to him is not an option. We have 7 kids. We will always have to be in each others lives to some aspect. Lawyers are not mediators and cannot facilitate visitations and discuss the children’s needs on our behalf. Which means we have to adult up and still be parents

[UnicornMama]

I think we are all just trying to figure out what is his issue. Personally I think it boils down to his family. In which case I feel for you . I have been having to stomach my in-laws for 30 years and believe me it’s almost killed me to do so .

 

Because it seems he doesn’t have any real issues and just makes up fluff .

 

 

Many people have said this too. That he chose his family over the family he created. He now lives with his parents, out of the city. They help alleviate his financial obligations bc they provide him a place to stay and eat. When he has the kids he had tons of helping hands. He hasn’t even cooked a meal for them, his mother cooks all of them. She takes the kids to their appointments, they buy the kids clothing and toys. So he basically just has to show up