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How should I tell him that I'm pregnant?


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This is going to be a long post, sorry... And pardon my mistakes, English is not my native language.

I have really no-one to talk about this so I'm also using this forum to empty myself and I hope I feel a bit better after that...

 

Anyway, about 2 months ago I met a really nice, intelligent and attractive man. I'm 34 and he is 37-years-old. I have been single for several years now, divorced and have been leading a quite happy and active life. He is also divorced, has 2 teenage kids and quite recently broke up with his girlfriend. From the start we had a very intense connection. It was not only physical - we had so much to talk about, we share similar passions in life, work in quite similar fields, know a lot of the same people etc. But the sex was also extremely good. He was really romantic and affirmed me all the time of how interested he is and how special I am. But then he suddenly told me that he doesn't want a committed relationship and he is happy with the way things are. When I made clear that it's not ok with me and I wanted to end the things he became very sad and told that he is right now in his life in a situation where a new relationship would be very difficult but he doesn't want to lose me. He told that it's because he has to share himself between two cities - he lives in one (where I also live), his children and parents live in other and after every 4 weeks he actually works in Iceland for 2 or 3 weeks. So he travels a lot. He's a very good father and tries to make a lot of time for his kids, spends all the week-ends with them and in summer they are also in his place often during weekdays. He also told me that he has commitment issues because his marriage of over 10 years broke up because his wife cheated on him and his last relationship (the only other real long-term relationship he has had) ended for the same reason. But he told me he still didn't want to end things with me like that and as he was going away soon for 3 weeks we made a promise that we will think during this time if we want to be serious or not. Well, it was he who needed the thinking, not me...

 

I was sure he was not going to contact me but a day before leaving for Iceland he came to my place and told me that he couldn't leave without seeing me. We took a long walk and everything was very nice again but at the end he said that he shouldn't have come because he can't promise me anything and his life is too complicated right now. I started crying and asked him not to contact me again.

Since that he has sent me actually 2 messages where he tells me how special and beautiful I am. That he felt peace, delight and magic with me. That I saved him from big depression that was hitting him and he was almost falling but isn't anymore thanks to me. But he doesn't want to be my mistake but a worthy experience. And that we shouldn't talk about the rest right now.

 

Today I found out that I'm pregnant. Yes, there was this one time when we didn't use other protection than the withdrawal method (not smart) and it looks like it did it. I don't know what to do now.

 

I don't want to have an abortion. I've had one in the past and it was a very depressing experience that is still haunting me. But I'm very afraid of raising a child alone.

 

How should I tell him? Should I tell him at all? I don't even know for sure when he does come back. And I can't call him either right now. And what to think of his behavior?

Edited by Lavinia
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He can't promise you anything in life, doesn't want a committed relationship and I doubt he wants more children since he has 2 teenage kids now plus all the traveling he must do.

 

Yes, tell him you are pregnant. Be honest and tell the truth.

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So it sounds like despite all being so complicated he was fine with having sex without protection. So he chose the risk that you might get pregnant. Yes, tell him since I think he is entitled to know and decide whether you want to pursue some sort of child support and see if he wants to interact with your child. All the best to you and I hope your pregnancy goes smoothly!

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I agree with the others, tell him, he’s entitled to know, but be prepared, this can go three ways, he can be ecstatic and decide to be with you, he can be upset but decide to help while still deciding not to be with you, he can’t decide to completely abandon you.

 

Given the background info you gave, I’d guess you are hoping he will want to be with you, understandable, but not guaranteed so be prepared, he does deserve to know though.

 

Good luck! And man talk about perfect timing, the one time you don’t use protection you happen to be ovulating, what are the odds?

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Of course in many ways I hope that he wants to be with me because I'm deeply in love with him. But firstly I would never want him to be with me only because of a child, this would be degrading. And I'm prepared for a negative reaction.

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Of course in many ways I hope that he wants to be with me because I'm deeply in love with him. But firstly I would never want him to be with me only because of a child, this would be degrading. And I'm prepared for a negative reaction.

 

After two months and long distance you barely know him and all you know is that he has a mental illness and is unavailable to be with you. It sounds like sex was the focus of most of your short time together. Certainly you can have loving feelings but those feelings aren't really based on knowing him well. Tell him because he's entitled to know he's going to be a father again. I'm sorry it didn't work out with him but it sounds like a lot of drama in a very short time.

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I never said it. I think Batya just interpreted it from my posts. I know that he has suffered from depression and that can also be a mental illness. Other than that I don't really think he's mentally ill in any way.

 

Yeah, but take that part out, it still pretty much nails it, a fact youre conveniently ignoring...

 

After two months and long distance you barely know him and all you know is that he [redacted] is unavailable to be with you. It sounds like sex was the focus of most of your short time together. Certainly you can have loving feelings but those feelings aren't really based on knowing him well. Tell him because he's entitled to know he's going to be a father again. I'm sorry it didn't work out with him but it sounds like a lot of drama in a very short time.
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I never said it. I think Batya just interpreted it from my posts. I know that he has suffered from depression and that can also be a mental illness. Other than that I don't really think he's mentally ill in any way.

 

"That I saved him from big depression that was hitting him and he was almost falling but isn't anymore thanks to me."

 

So I read that and read that to mean he suffers from depression. A mental illness when it's clinical depression. I am not a doctor but that is how I read it. I am vicariously familiar with major -"big" depression and so when I read something like that I take it seriously. If he meant it more colloquially like some people use the term then of course that's not a mental illness (although it may be acting overly dramatic in a context which really shouldn't call for it).

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The pull out method? Well, if nothing else he's financially responsible to the child for at least the next 18 years. One would think that he wants to be a father again if he would be so reckless with BC after only knowing you for two months.

 

Don't take offence as its meant to caution: Make sure you get STD tested as I'm sure you wouldn't want your baby put in jeopardy due to some STD or another.

 

How do you tell him: You wait until he returns from his trip and you ask to see him face to face and you say: "I'm pregnant."

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I think this whole pretty talk about "saving him from depression" is pillow talk and goopy stuff to fluff you up to make you feel special to mask anything in him that was just about having a little fling. Do not take it to be anything more than that. I would decide what you want - gear yourself up for the idea that you will be a single mom and don't expect him to participate. If he does, its a bonus. He does have the right to know he has a child. If he is coming back in a few weeks, i would tell him then.

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Have you been wanting to get pregnant for a while?

I ask because you said you have been haunted by an earlier choice to terminate a pregnancy, yet you weren't on birth control while being sexually active?

In any case, I agree with abitbroken nearly word for word.

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After 8 weeks , you are most certainly not in love with him. And vice versa. Just fuzzy honeymoon phase feelings!

 

But obviously you have brought up the topic of relationship with him, at this point he has said no but happy to hang out.

By not wanting to lose you , he really means not wanting to lose a casual buddy.

 

It sounds to me like a rebound for him.

Sorry!

 

If you want to have a child then do so and expect to do it alone. With legal financial support from him of course.

 

You BOTH took the risk of pregnancy and the consequences of that.

 

One can abort up to 20 weeks pregnant.

There is no hurry to tell him until he is back and in person because you are likely only a few weeks pregnant.

So wait.

 

Take the couple of weeks to gather your thoughts and options for all possible scenarios.

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I agree with treating this in a practical way -get tested for STDs, review your financial situation (because I'm not aware of child support laws but isn't he out of the country a lot - that could make it functionally more complicated to get any support), and make plans as a single mother. And I wouldn't ruminate about how to tell him -use as few words as possible -he was there too, knows he has unprotected sex so after the initial shock he's an adult who understands of course this was a risk. As you knew too.

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There isn't anything he can do about it at the moment. I'd wait to see if he comes back by his own volition. If not, and the pregnancy turns out to be viable, I'd consult a lawyer about my rights and his, and I'd have my lawyer tell me the best way to inform him.

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Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately he wants a casual noncommittal relationship. You need to tell him this and that you do not want to terminate the pregnancy. You'll have to deal with whatever reaction he has. Whatever the case whether he wants to be with you or not or be in the child's life or not, he will have to pay child support.

 

Sadly it will most likely come as a shock since you're only dating 8 weeks and he has been very clear that he does not want a committed or exclusive relationship. Does he have a gf or wife/family in his other location? What does he man by "his life is too complicated"?

-2 months ago I met a man.

-he doesn't want a committed relationship

-He told that it's because he has to share himself between two cities

-He also told me that he has commitment issues

-he can't promise me anything and his life is too complicated right now.

-Today I found out that I'm pregnant.

-I don't want to have an abortion.

How should I tell him?

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