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How can i handle this situation


wattsup

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I don't know how to handle this situation and it's slowly killing us.

I have a friend which i know for a very long time and with whom i spend a lot of time. At least i did until i found this perfect girl. Ever since i`m in a relationship with her the only thing we argued about more seriously was about the fact that i spend a lot of time with this friend of mine. So at the time i got together with my girlfriend, my friend was away for a few years. He came back on vacation for a week or two and decided that we need to catch up. I told my girlfriend that i was gonna go hang out with him and she said ok. This went on for the whole week. During this time i did not ignore her or anything else of that kind. After he went back she told me that i spend too much time with him and she did not understand why. I told her we were bestfriends. Fast forward a few more months and my best friend returns home and i start doing the same thing, i hang out a lot with him and she starts getting frustrated and tells me that she needs a break from us. I apologized and said i'll tone it down after which she told me that she does not like him at all. Since then i start hanging out less and less with my friend. But still this was not enough. She went through my phone and gotten straight to my messages with him. Now mind you, me and my bestfriend constantly mock each other about all sorts of things. When she saw that she gotten very angry. Ever since then whenever she hears about him she gets very angry. At this point i realize that i made the mistake of not introducing my friend to my girlfriend. I arrange a get together with them and after that she still tells me that she does not like him. Ever since i tried the first time to get them to know each other she would get very upset about this subject and would not want to talk about it. I tried talking to her about this in order to somehow make this not upset her. I tried several times arranging another get together but she would not want to do it, telling me repeatedly that she does not want to see or talk to him. Basically she told me she hates him. I really want for them to get along.

I really don't know what to do in order to fix this. I must admit that not introducing them at the very beginning is my fault. How can i approach this so that i can make this disappear or at least make this a bit easier on her?

I need help. Thank you.

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What needs to disappear is her. She's controlling and possessive. It's healthy for you to spend time apart from her with buddies. And she doesn't have to like him, but she does have to respect your time with him and not badmouth him. Her behavior should be a dealbreaker for any self-respecting person.

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What needs to disappear is her. She's controlling and possessive. It's healthy for you to spend time apart from her with buddies. And she doesn't have to like him, but she does have to respect your time with him and not badmouth him. Her behavior should be a dealbreaker for any self-respecting person.

Most of the time i just wanted to give up but i care about her. Aside from this there isn't really much to complain. It seems weird that this is such a big deal for her. Am i blind?

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Get rid of the insecure and controlling girlfriend. She sounds awful! Stop being a doormat!

 

What happens when you spend time with other friends and family?

 

Nothing much, she hasn't told me anything when i hung out with other people

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Is her only complaint about him that you spend too much time with him?

 

How many days per week do you spend with him? Is it the whole evening?

 

Does he trash talk your girlfriend?

 

Nowadays we barely hang out, maybe twice a week and that doesn't take more than 2 hours tops. He never spoke bad about her, that time when we all got together we had i would say a nice chat about several stuff.

 

L.E.

Mostly yes, we did argue in the past about some other minor stuff.

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So what are her specific issues with him and your friendship, aside from that it exists? How much time do you and your girlfriend spend together?

I honestly don't know, she does not want to tell me why she hates him aside from the fact that she didn't like the fact that we mock each other. And when i say mocking i mean calling him names and all sort of stupid things basically a lot of swearing. I spend most of the week with her. Basically i get home from work and chill for a bit then go out with her.

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OK, plain and simple, here's what to do: leave her!!! She is controlling, manipulative, selfish, self-centered, cunning and downright disrespectful. Shall I go on? Do you really want to be with someone like her? Come on, wake up, OP. Did you ever wonder who her next "victim" will be? She has no right to try and break up your friendship. That is so wrong on so many levels. How sad.

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Stop trying to appease her. Tell her straight up you will no longer tolerate this behavior. That you are not going to cut your friend out of your life. That she doesn't have to like him, but she has to respect the relationship you have with him.

And going through your phone?! If she ever does that again, you are gone.

There's zero excuse for how she's acting. She's insecure, and possessive. You need to stop catering to that.

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I agree with goddess and itsallgrand. You have a manipulative, immature, clingy, nosy, over the top girlfriend who needs to be replaced. Who is she to tell you to not hang out with your best friend? She should not be going thru your phone either.

 

Agree with the ladies.

 

Stop allowing her to walk all over you!

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But the only reason she even knows about the mocking is because she disrespected you and violated your privacy by going through your phone. For me that alone would be the end of a relationship, to say nothing of a partner who is telling me who I can, and can't, be friends with. Were you not upset by that? Is she the only one in the relationship allowed to be angry?

 

I'm trying hard here to understand the full picture—to at least grasp what is bothering her, according to her logic system—but I'm really struggling. It just sounds like a big, sad, toxic mess in which possessiveness and insecurity are mistaken for connection, drama for depth and meaning.

 

Rather than voice her concerns in a way that is clear and calm, she is setting rules, snooping, isolating you from someone important to you—and, it seems, making you feel very bad about being yourself. And for some reason you don't seem capable of standing up for yourself around her, but instead taking her dramatics seriously, placating and coddling. This has gone on for years. This is who you guys are together, how you "work."

 

Is this your first serious relationship? Just know that they do not need to operate like this, and that most people do not behave in the way both of you are behaving in the name of romance. Romance is supposed to add to our lives, not subtract from it.

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I have nothing to add except to say some way, somehow, you need to break your addiction (sexual, emotional and otherwise) to this controlling, manipulating, possessive, insecure mess of a woman.

 

The reason she hates him? Because he important to you. Your friendship is important to you.

 

Like any good long term friendship, you value it, and she can't stand that, she feels threatened by it.

 

She needs to be the only person you value, which is selfish, controlling, possessive and just plain wrong.

 

My goodness if there was ever a good reason to end a relationship, this is it.

 

Stop being a chump, take your power back and get rid!

 

OR, start standing up for yourself!

 

Tell her in no uncertain terms, that you will be spending time with him whenever you like, and if she doesn't like it, there's the door!

 

Period, end of.

 

I'm serious dude, stop with this doormat nonsense, and start respecting yourself.

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But the only reason she even knows about the mocking is because she disrespected you and violated your privacy by going through your phone. For me that alone would be the end of a relationship, to say nothing of a partner who is telling me who I can, and can't, be friends with. Were you not upset by that? Is she the only one in the relationship allowed to be angry?

 

I'm trying hard here to understand the full picture—to at least grasp what is bothering her, according to her logic system—but I'm really struggling. It just sounds like a big, sad, toxic mess in which possessiveness and insecurity are mistaken for connection, drama for depth and meaning.

 

Rather than voice her concerns in a way that is clear and calm, she is setting rules, snooping, isolating you from someone important to you—and, it seems, making you feel very bad about being yourself. And for some reason you don't seem capable of standing up for yourself around her, but instead taking her dramatics seriously, placating and coddling. This has gone on for years. This is who you guys are together, how you "work."

 

Is this your first serious relationship? Just know that they do not need to operate like this, and that most people do not behave in the way both of you are behaving in the name of romance. Romance is supposed to add to our lives, not subtract from it.

I was very upset but she did not even care and she did not even apologize. When i ask her to tell me the reason why she gets so indifferent / upset or whatever she always tells me it's because of that text. To me that's absurd. It really is my first serious relationship

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