Help. Husband wants to live with elderly parents

[SarahLancaster]

And in addition to that, they have loads of money in the bank and if they downsized they’d have plenty for the rest of their lives including cost of proper care.

 

So why, then, does your husband say that YOU can't afford a carer for 1000 a month? They clearly have enough money to hire their own caretakers. And how old are they and what are their limitations?

[smackie9]

Sometimes money is the motivation....getting in good graces with the parents for the inheritance. Are there other siblings he might be competing with?

[Wiseman2]

Research the cost of an assisted facility or visiting care takers. He needs to manage their care more appropriately, rather than sticking it to you. Telling him or a counselor all about how much you hate his parents and why will get you nowhere real fast. It doesn't matter if they are devils from hell. Find practical solutions. Consult an elder care attorney for example. Find out the costs of elder care for them. Do your homework.

 

Stop focusing on why you don't like them. Focus on practical not emotional issues. That you don't like them is a no-win argument for you. If you want to avert this disaster focus on finding appropriate care for them, why moving is out of the question, etc. Stay far far away from the "not getting along" angle. That you don't like each other is irrelevant and too subjective.

I just really don’t get on with them. They talk down to me, patronise me, ignore me and I couldn’t imagine having to deal with them every day.

[reinventmyself]

Advise someone gave me: If you can afford to pay for professional services to take care of your parent, by all means do so. While they are doing all the dirty work, bathing, diapers, feedings, etc. (which is often humiliating for a parent to have their own children do) you can in turn spend every single day enjoying the quality time with them.

 

I was in defense in the poster and trying empathize giving up her career, family and moving to care give to her inlaws - if there was some other sort of compromise

 

I have a life to live and I don’t want to spend it looking after old people.

 

We all need to be there for our parents in some capacity. Though I never emptied a bedpan, I helped my parents in countless other ways and spent every minute with them that I possibly could.

[SherrySher]

I have a life to live and I don’t want to spend it looking after old people.

 

That's what got me too. We're all going to get old. God help us if there is no empathy for us like this.

[abitbroken]

When you said "finally got a place of your own" does that mean you used to live with his parents?

I think its unreasonable to expect that you move right away and give up your job. I think that realistically, what is going to happen is you will live with his parents and your husband will find a job first and you will end up taking are of them.

 

What kind of care do they require? just someone to look in on them everyday, or do they need constant care - help getting to the bathroom every time, etc.? If its the former, he can travel there for a few days at a time and enlist their friends, other relatives to pop in on different days. If its the latter, then he is unrelistic thinking he can work full time and take care of them full time

 

What changed in the last few months that makes your husband now insist on it without a gradual plan?

 

I would say, if he wants to live with him, then he can live with him and you stay behind to work until it seems like it might be a permanent move and then look for a job. He might figure out how daunting it is and bail after a couple weeks with them.

 

To me, i don't think you are being cold. I think he never discussed his desire before you got married and he is being unilateral and unrealistic -- you can't just up and move without jobs.

[melancholy123]

I would never agree with your husband that you need to go live in their garden house. I'm like you, I need my own place, my own life, in an area I want to be in. I agree this could be a turning point in your marriage, and to be honest, I dont envy you at all. I thought about what I'd do in your position and I'd try to get the folks into an assisted living home where there are people to help them and take care of them. Some are subsidized. If he wont compromise, I'd say I'm not going with you and this is probably the end of our marriage. I'd be so resentful, it would be unbearable.

[abitbroken]

I would never agree with your husband that you need to go live in their garden house. I'm like you, I need my own place, my own life, in an area I want to be in. I agree this could be a turning point in your marriage, and to be honest, I dont envy you at all. I thought about what I'd do in your position and I'd try to get the folks into an assisted living home where there are people to help them and take care of them. Some are subsidized. If he wont compromise, I'd say I'm not going with you and this is probably the end of our marriage. I'd be so resentful, it would be unbearable.

 

Is there a compromise - live nearby but not with them? If the parents were local to you, I can understand him taking a part time caregiving role but the move has potential to isolate you and its so unilaterl. Not "mom and dad need our help - what plan can we come up with?" I don't think simply moving them into assisted living is always the answer for everyone, but i don't think isolating your wife and saying "we are doing this/no compromise is not right. if you were in your 60s that's one thing, but 30s is awfully young to up and move with no job

[Seraphim]

The thing is even in your 50s and 60s you don’t want to do that sometimes . Note these are NOT her parents but her husband‘s parents. I wouldn’t look after my husband‘s parents either . Simply because they’ve been horrible to me and they are absolutely impossible . I looked after my father-in-law for almost a week during one of my mother-in-law’s hospital stays. I was ready to jump off a bridge . Literally. In two weeks my husband is leaving to look after his father again while his mother has ANOTHER surgery . My sister-in-law planning ahead this time planned all kinds of supports for them for the surgery and afterwards and my mother-in-law cancelled everything because my father-in-law‘s irritated . Well so what if he’s irritated this is a person who can’t even remember his address or his wife’s name half the time . He doesn’t know what is safe or what isn’t but yet she goes with what he wants . Stubborn to the point of utter stupidity . Both my sister-in-law and my husband work plus we live three hours away . Sister-in-law who is a teacher has been told by her board she no longer has any paid time off because of her mother’s last 3 surgeries three years in a row . So if she takes time off she will now be unpaid . My husband is using his vacation time to go yet again to help out . These are people who have free supports ,supports from their benefits and they can well afford support . Yet they are choosing to put their children’s careers in jeopardy when they could have support otherwise . It’s ridiculous AND unnecessary. So instead of enjoying spending time with these people we get to feel resentful instead .

 

So , yes people get old but they have to realize that their children still need to work ,yes ,we still need to eat pay for

housing and pay our our bills so we don’t get thrown in prison . You can’t just throw away your job and go look after mommy .

And in our case we still may have an adult child at home forever . Should I throw him out for my husband’s parents? Um ya, no.

 

If you have the means for support in your old age please friken use it .

[abitbroken]

Another two questions:

 

1) Does he think that he is going to move your both in so that when the time comes, he tries to ensure that he inherits their house?

2) Does he have other siblings?

3) How is your relationship? Is he controlling or tend to make unilateral decisions where you have no say?

4) Do they have a terminal illness/the end is near or are they just slowing down a little bit and won't accept other help or they are actually slowing down and doing okay - he just is overreacting?

 

My grandfather at 92 still lives in his house. Granted, 20 years ago they downsized their home. his house is one story, he still drives, but relatives take him to doctor's appointments so he doesn't have to, and family - great grandkids, grandkids, kids regularly pop in socially. And friends call. he can prepare food for himself, etc, but has people he can call close by if he has an issue.

 

Important questions

[Suzy456]

Update. We had an enormous argument over it. Full explosion. He’s now moving to live with his parents really far away to Aberdeen, we’ll end up divorcing and our house is going up for sale next month. I’m moving back in with my parents while our house sells until I can find a place of my own. I’m devastated, but neither of us are prepared to budge and we both think we’re right, and both think the other is being unreasonable. I can’t get over how fast this has happened. I’m blown away that it’s all just blown up. It’s over.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. He's being unreasonable and you are wise to stick to your guns. Get the best divorce attorney you can find. Set up some sessions with a therapist to help you navigate the emotional side of things. It doesn't seem like it now, but it's a blessing. Is he from a different culture than you? One where wives are expected to live with/care for the husbands parents?

 

He should take care of his own folks - not stick that task to you. It sounds like he may have wanted to divorce or he is simply too attached to his folks or never had both feet in the marriage. You're very lucky to cut your losses and end things while young and before starting a family.

He’s now moving to live with his parents really far away to Aberdeen, we’ll end up divorcing and our house is going up for sale next month.

 

I’m moving back in with my parents while our house sells until I can find a place of my own.

[catfeeder]

Update. We had an enormous argument over it. Full explosion. He’s now moving to live with his parents really far away to Aberdeen, we’ll end up divorcing and our house is going up for sale next month. I’m moving back in with my parents while our house sells until I can find a place of my own. I’m devastated, but neither of us are prepared to budge and we both think we’re right, and both think the other is being unreasonable. I can’t get over how fast this has happened. I’m blown away that it’s all just blown up. It’s over.

 

Ultimatums are all-or-nothing challenges where nobody wins. There are plenty of ways that husband could compromise, such as having you come weekend with him while you keep your job and house in order. His insistence that YOU must usurp your whole life because he has chosen to do so is not fair or reasonable.

 

I'd hold off on divorce talk but see a lawyer to learn your options, such as putting a legal separation in place to protect yourself against any further debt husband incurs. I'd tell husband that if he's willing to consider options for the two of you to save your marriage, you're open to discussion. Otherwise, there's no need to buy into his extreme idea that you're horrible. You are not.

 

Head high, and don't jump to conclusions. Let husband cool off and reflect. You do the same, and quit defending what needs no defense.

[Seraphim]

I am sorry to hear about this. It sounds like he hasn’t transferred his loyalty to the family he made . It is unfortunate how many people don’t do that . I wish you peace.

[Suzy456]

Ultimatums are all-or-nothing challenges where nobody wins. There are plenty of ways that husband could compromise, such as having you come weekend with him while you keep your job and house in order. His insistence that YOU must usurp your whole life because he has chosen to do so is not fair or reasonable.

 

I'd hold off on divorce talk but see a lawyer to learn your options, such as putting a legal separation in place to protect yourself against any further debt husband incurs. I'd tell husband that if he's willing to consider options for the two of you to save your marriage, you're open to discussion. Otherwise, there's no need to buy into his extreme idea that you're horrible. You are not.

 

Head high, and don't jump to conclusions. Let husband cool off and reflect. You do the same, and quit defending what needs no defense.

 

Sadly, the divorce was his suggestion in the heat of the argument, and he meant it. I’m no longer in our house and today I’m back with my parents. I’ve only heard off him once today, simply confirming an appointment with the estate agents next week. I feel so abandoned. I don’t know what to do. I think I’ll take up the therapist suggestion to get a load off my chest and hopefully find an amicable way through this.

 

Thank you all for all your ideas, suggestions and being there to discuss this with.

[Seraphim]

Sadly, the divorce was his suggestion in the heat of the argument, and he meant it. I’m no longer in our house and today I’m back with my parents. I’ve only heard off him once today, simply confirming an appointment with the estate agents next week. I feel so abandoned. I don’t know what to do. I think I’ll take up the therapist suggestion to get a load off my chest and hopefully find an amicable way through this.

 

Thank you all for all your ideas, suggestions and being there to discuss this with.

Get a good divorce attorney for YOU. Nothing suggested by HIM. I am so sorry it has come to this . But it’s better to know now that he has no loyalty to marriage or you. And he is going to be in rough shape when mommy and daddy are gone and he has nobody .

[Wiseman2]

If you are legally married you need an attorney before you can run to a realtor. Especially that he got you to abandon the property. See an attorney asap. Do not try to work this out. It would have been worked out long ago if it's what he wanted. Stop hoping for amicable at this point when his aggression level is so over the top. Worry about being left blindsided because you are failing to protect yourself financially with appropriate legal counsel.

I’m no longer in our house and today I’m back with my parents.

[abitbroken]

I think he wanted to leave you because if he didn't he would suggest he go visit his parents for a week to see how things really are with them and then when he comes back he would know what was feasable. He would know if they were imminently dying or just slowing down and would outlive everybody. He would have agreed to going back and forth for a little bit to make sure the move was the right thing. I am sorry that this happened but you are better off if he is going to be so disrespectful of you.

[abitbroken]

If you are legally married you need an attorney before you can run to a realtor. Especially that he got you to abandon the property. See an attorney asap. Do not try to work this out. It would have been worked out long ago if it's what he wanted. Stop hoping for amicable at this point when his aggression level is so over the top. Worry about being left blindsided because you are failing to protect yourself financially with appropriate legal counsel.

 

I think you should go back to the house and do not leave unless the lawyer advises it. Do not let him state in the papers that you abandoned him, because my ex tried to pull that - i left the house because i was physically unsafe.