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GF went to see her Ex in Hospital


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So I'll give a little background on the EX first. According to my GF he was abusive (once choked her) and a drug addict (cocaine). He also had a uncontrollable temper, probably due to the drug use. He also got her quite addicted to the cocaine as well. I know that's not his fault but I thought it was worth mentioning. Basically a horrible relationship that by no means ended on good terms. When she broke up with him I let her stay with me.

 

6 years later we are still together, she isn't involved with any drugs and last year we bought a house together.

 

So a few days ago she finds out from a friend that her EX got stabbed by his drug dealer (their drug dealer when they were together). This was obviously a dispute over drugs. He is in the hospital but they say he is going to be alright.

 

Anyways yesterday the EX's mom text my GF and tells her that the EX was stabbed but will be OK and that he would like visitors in the hospital.

 

So she went to visit him without telling me about it at all.

 

I'm really pissed off about this and don't understand why she felt the need to see him. I can understand if the ex got into a car accident of got sick but the reason he is in the hospital is because hes a drug addict and can't control his temper, the main reasons she left him. I don't think in this situation it's right for her to visit him and a insult to me.

 

Are my reactions/feelings justified or am I over reacting. I need a second opinion.

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You're not overreacting. I'd be pissed too.

 

Heck, even if it was a car accident, I'd be pissed. He's her ex, for many years now, and you're her boyfriend, for many years. Why is she still even in contact with him or his mom?

 

My guess is, she's addicted to the drama that circles around him, and that this is way deeper than you think.

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That's a tough one... I totally understand your anger that she went without talking to you about it first. I imagine I would react the same way in your position. I think maybe take a few breaths, make sure you're clear headed and out of the cloud of anger, and then calmly ask her why she felt the need to see this guy, and why she failed to mention it to you before she went. She doesn't need your permission, and I'm sure you realize that, but I think she definitely should have discussed it with you out of respect of your relationship. She had a history with this person, a turbulent unhealthy one, but a history nonetheless. She may have felt pressure or a sense of responsibility after the ex-mom texted her. Let her know it made you feel uncomfortable and/or disrespected that she went without a word to you. Wait until your emotions aren't running so high, and talk to her about it calmly so it doesn't escalate into something more.

 

Good luck

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Unfortunately, they are much more connected than you think/she tells you. He's not the problem. Her lies are.

He also got her quite addicted to the cocaine as well.When she broke up with him I let her stay with me. 6 years later we are still together, she isn't involved with any drugs and last year we bought a house together.
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That's a rough spot. I can totally understand why you would be a bit miffed. I also agree that she should have said something to you about it.

 

Trying to give her the benefit of the doubt: perhaps the ex sees this as an opportunity to get clean? Could this be her way of supporting/encouraging him in that?

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She is probably over him and just likes him as a friend.

 

I agree she makes bad choices in friends/lovers. However, it's not the OP's problem. She has to live her own life.

 

People love to make mountains out of molehills. Let it go. Stop taking this love thing so seriously - otherwise, it may drive you crazy.

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That's a tough one... I totally understand your anger that she went without talking to you about it first. I imagine I would react the same way in your position. I think maybe take a few breaths, make sure you're clear headed and out of the cloud of anger, and then calmly ask her why she felt the need to see this guy, and why she failed to mention it to you before she went. She doesn't need your permission, and I'm sure you realize that, but I think she definitely should have discussed it with you out of respect of your relationship. She had a history with this person, a turbulent unhealthy one, but a history nonetheless. She may have felt pressure or a sense of responsibility after the ex-mom texted her. Let her know it made you feel uncomfortable and/or disrespected that she went without a word to you. Wait until your emotions aren't running so high, and talk to her about it calmly so it doesn't escalate into something more.

 

Good luck

 

That's where it gets more frustrating. I wasn't able to fully cool down as she refuse to leave me alone about it but I don't think I got out of line. I told her i thought it was ed and that I'm really pissed about it. Her response was along the lines of. " I was just trying to be nice and didn't think about the way you would feel. Now I realize how stupid this is and looks and I'm truly sorry".

That's almost more insulting in my opinion. How do you go to see an EX and not once in that decision even consider how your current BF would feel. I told her that I thought that was BS and I'm not buying it. She then told me "well I guess i was just being nosey".

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That's a rough spot. I can totally understand why you would be a bit miffed. I also agree that she should have said something to you about it.

 

Trying to give her the benefit of the doubt: perhaps the ex sees this as an opportunity to get clean? Could this be her way of supporting/encouraging him in that?

 

I won't get into the details but I know this guy as well. Long story short I was his supervisor at my last job (bad situation but that's a hole other story). I don't want to be negative and of course I'm biased but I don't think this is going to change anything in his life. Probably just going to give him a desire for revenge.

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That's where it gets more frustrating. I wasn't able to fully cool down as she refuse to leave me alone about it but I don't think I got out of line. I told her i thought it was ed and that I'm really pissed about it. Her response was along the lines of. " I was just trying to be nice and didn't think about the way you would feel. Now I realize how stupid this is and looks and I'm truly sorry".

That's almost more insulting in my opinion. How do you go to see an EX and not once in that decision even consider how your current BF would feel. I told her that I thought that was BS and I'm not buying it. She then told me "well I guess i was just being nosey".

 

"Nosey' about an ex who was abusive and is a drug addict. Hmmm.

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Has she been in regular contact with him or his mom over the last 6 years? If not, I wouldn’t worry about it too much as long as she applies appropriate boundaries now.

 

Over a decade ago, I was friends with a lady “Barb”. I slowly stopped being friends with her because she too was involved in drugs (that I wasn’t really aware about until she OD’d at one point). She also kept hitting on me and tried to convince me that i’m gay (I’m not...). She just made me uncomfortable all around so I stopped being friends with her.

 

A decade passed and I got an email (via Facebook) from her girlfriend (I am not friends with either of them on there). The girlfriend was telling me how “Barb” was in the hospital with leukemia. She asked me to go visit “Barb” in the hospital.

 

I didn’t... but I was compelled to email her instead - even though she wasn’t a part of my life and I didn’t really want to talk to her. It was clear that she was in a bad place, she had few people, and so they think back to the people who once DID care.

 

The request came from his mom. His mom may have been grasping at straws to find someone who was more stable who could be there.

 

I agree she should have told you about it - but at the same time, I can see how it could happen. It’s extremely compelling to hear someone’s loved one reach out for help - and to hear the desperation in their voice. She probably (correctly) assumed you wouldn’t understand.

 

For me, the important part is what happens now. Is she planning to stay in touch with him? That’s a problem. But if it was a one-time compassionate visit... I mean... this is someone she once cared about who is in a very dark place and she went at the request of his mom.

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Red dress actually made me rethink my original response.

 

My gut reaction is it's nonsense and bs for her to be having any contact with said ex. Especially without telling you, and without your blessing.

 

That said.... Red dress does make a good point. Your GF going to see someone in the hospital is a decent human caring thing to do. I would make it very clear though that I have zero tolerance for this person being involved in your lives going forward. Basically this should be a one and done scenario. He was down she went and visited... That's the the end of it. You guys have a house together, maybe kids? Kids some day? There wouldn't be room in my life for an abusive ex, drug addict, drug dealer, criminal who's exposed to a violent lifestyle. Not around me. Not around those I love. Not around my kids (future/ current).

 

I'd sit her down and say hey, you should have told me about this. You didn't. Let that be the end if it. I wouldn't go on and on over it... But I would be pissed to an extent. But going forward we both need to be clear on the fact that this guy isn't going to be part of my life, which means he can't be part of your life. Period.

 

This isn't just some plutonic guy friend. It's an abusive druggy ex. That's 100 % no go zone.

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So she went to visit him without telling me about it at all.

Trying to be open minded about everything until I get this point.

 

Had it been all good with the best of intentions, she would have shared this with you.

 

Seeing she withheld it suggests that in some way she already knew it was wrong, but went anyway.

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Not only did she not tell me, when I asked about it she said "how i would feel didn't even cross her mind until i said something" which is insulting but at the same time i don't believe it. I found out because after not replying to my good morning text all day (she works nights so i txt her in the morning when i head to work around 7am) i called her around 5pm, at which point she told me that she was at the hospital visiting him.

 

It seems like people see things both ways on this one. I get the hole being "compassionate" "a caring human being" but its not like it was a unfortunate accident or anything. I have trouble empathizing when his injury's are a direct result of his own stupid choices.

 

I can understand the view point that it was his Mom that requested this but in the same message she said he was going to be OK. She sends insignificant messages (random fb "forward this msg to 10 friends" or "cute" memes etc. I think some more personal messages too but i cant recall what exactly) to my gf quite often even though they don't really have a relationship, my gf seems to be confused by this as well. That makes me think it wasn't a "desperate plea". It's not like my girlfriend is the only one in his life that has ever cared about him. In fact he has 2 kids with another EX.

 

I realize the only choice's I have is to accept the apology or not. Needed some second opinion's/ a sounding board

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Not only did she not tell me, when I asked about it she said "how i would feel didn't even cross her mind until i said something" which is insulting but at the same time i don't believe it. I found out because after not replying to my good morning text all day (she works nights so i txt her in the morning when i head to work around 7am) i called her around 5pm, at which point she told me that she was at the hospital visiting him.

 

It seems like people see things both ways on this one. I get the hole being "compassionate" "a caring human being" but its not like it was a unfortunate accident or anything. I have trouble empathizing when his injury's are a direct result of his own stupid choices.

 

I can understand the view point that it was his Mom that requested this but in the same message she said he was going to be OK. She sends insignificant messages (random fb "forward this msg to 10 friends" or "cute" memes etc. I think some more personal messages too but i cant recall what exactly) to my gf quite often even though they don't really have a relationship, my gf seems to be confused by this as well. That makes me think it wasn't a "desperate plea". It's not like my girlfriend is the only one in his life that has ever cared about him. In fact he has 2 kids with another EX.

 

I realize the only choice's I have is to accept the apology or not. Needed some second opinion's/ a sounding board

Just curious. Had she run this past you first, would it make a difference?

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Anyways yesterday the EX's mom text my GF and tells her that the EX was stabbed but will be OK and that he would like visitors in the hospital..

 

Before I comment further, do you know if this is actually true?

 

Meaning, did she actually show you the message his mom sent her? I would be curious to know if she indeed randomly heard this from his mom, or if she's been in closer contact with her ex than she admits and the reach-out wasn't as unexpected as she's saying.

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According to her once she thought about it she agreed that it was a stupid thing to do. So if she told me about it before hand she would have thought about it before hand and never went to see him. The thing is I don't believe she didn't think about it before hand.

 

If she ran it past me first I would have argued with her as to why she feels the need to go. Its hard to say but if she had a good reason / could counter my reasons for not wanting her to go I might be able to accept it. I like to think I am a pretty reasonable person and try to see things from both sides (wear both sets of shoes) in whatever situation I'm in.

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I did not see the actual message but it's not hard to believe that it came from his mom given that she sends messages (usually insignificant) quite often. I don't believe she would want to have any contact with her ex but maybe I should re evaluate that.

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According to her once she thought about it she agreed that it was a stupid thing to do. So if she told me about it before hand she would have thought about it before hand and never went to see him. The thing is I don't believe she didn't think about it before hand.

 

If she ran it past me first I would have argued with her as to why she feels the need to go. Its hard to say but if she had a good reason / could counter my reasons for not wanting her to go I might be able to accept it. I like to think I am a pretty reasonable person and try to see things from both sides (wear both sets of shoes) in whatever situation I'm in.

 

Or there are those times we might have to agree to things that make us a little uncomfortable, but at least the trust and transparency would have been there.

 

The way this was handled damages trust.

 

She should be able to trust that you could consider something like this with some degree fairness. And you should trust her to be transparent about things that might be important to you.

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The fact that she went without considering your feelings on it is the red flag for me. Going to see an ex, no matter in what capacity, is concerning - but more so because she is in a relationship (with you) and she's claiming that you didn't even cross her mind when she thought "I should go see my toxic ex".

 

I guess the question now is, are you going to try to trust her moving forward?

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