margotann3 Posted July 24, 2019 Share Posted July 24, 2019 Letting my thoughts out on this forum has been beneficial in so many ways, and I thank anyone who reads my posts for being a friendly stranger... 4 weeks post-breakup... I get the text. "Hey. Could I come by for a few minutes? I want to talk and try to figure myself out. I don't want to put you in a bad situation so if you don't want to see me I completely understand." I hadn't heard from him since we split. I had heard ABOUT him through mutual people. Of course I let him over. I let him speak. Cry. Apologize for "ruining us" (his words). I listened to him. He said he loves me more than he realized, but he can't make me happy if he is not happy and he doesn't know what's wrong with him. I told him he knows what's wrong, but he's avoiding getting the mental help he needs for whatever his reasons are. He asked if I'm still in love with him and I told him I am, but he needs to work on himself and get some professional help if he ever wants to have a happy, healthy life of his own or with me or someone new. He said he can't see himself with someone else and the thought of me with someone else makes him sick. I gave him the best advise I could, tried to listen as a friend. Held him while he cried even though I was falling to pieces in my head. He was falling apart more than me, and he said things about how he has been feeling and hurting that genuinely broke my heart for him. This person I adore but can't have because he's lost in depression and needs to find himself again. I totally understand that and I'm not trying to make him feel bad about his needs and problems at all. I didn't let him see my hurt. I let it be all about him for those moments... After an hour, he had let it all out and I was going to ask him to leave, but I was weak and wanted to be around him. We ended up sharing a glass of wine and talking for another 2 hours. Catching up, listening to new music he discovered that he thought I'd like, laughing, and joking. Even some mild flirting. It all felt so natural and easy after the initial hard conversation. Finally, we looked at the time, well after 1 in the morning. We both had work early, so he apologized for keeping me up and he gave me a hug and I walked him out... Then I didn't hear from him again. It's been 3 days. I'm mad at myself for letting this meet up give me hope that maybe the door to discussions was open again. I know he said he's not in a place for a relationship because he's not happy in his own heart. I also know that once he begins therapy and/or medication to control his depression, he may realize that he doesn't want to be with me after all. Rationally, I know all that. My brain knows all that. But my heart- my heart is shredding all over again. I feel like I had a small taste of how we used to be, but it was all for his benefit and comfort. Maybe for his own closure. I don't know... I truly expected to wake up the next day to a text from him. Just some open dialogue. But nothing. I understand that he was honest during our talk, but I somehow deluded myself into thinking the visit was the start of potentially get back together... I know I am doing this to myself, he was honest after all. But when someone says they need to find happiness within himself, and then in the next breath he says he feels at home with me and these past weeks he's felt homeless without me... how am I supposed to react to that? I guess I'm on day 3 of the new no-contact... I kept finding myself haunting his Facebook, so I unfriended him. I laid down the law with his sister (who is my best friend) to not tell me about him, even if I ask and beg. I know I need to move forward and begin to move on. It seems like he visited only to comfort himself and his curiosity with my life, and now I feel used. I hope he got what he needed from our visit, because lord knows it effed me up all over again... It felt so good in the moment to see him. But now I took 5 massive steps back in this break up- and I don't know if I am more mad at him for reaching out- or myself for believing something might change now... Link to comment
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