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My wife and I got married a little over two weeks ago. We lived together before hand, so our honeymoon isn’t a true honeymoon. We are in the middle of our trip and I’m not sure what to do.

 

She had a complete mental breakdown last night. We were walking around Honolulu and we were looking for a place to drink. I picked a bar and she didn’t want to go. She saw this other bar and wanted to go. It was a $20 cover charge, and I didn’t want to pay that as we are way over our budget already. We didn’t go, but she walked away and told me she would go if she wasn’t with me. I was a little hurt and she started walking away. We are both uneasy with the city as we are not big city people. I finally found her sitting by a river. She told me she hates her self. I asked why we can’t compromise to find a place we both want. She said because she is defective, and an awful person.

 

We finally settle down a little bit and go back to our hotel room. I’m not sure how to exactly explain it, but she just went nuts. She was sitting in the floor hitting herself with a pillow screaming she hates herself. She would just lay on the floor.

 

She decided this morning that I would “control” the rest of the vacation because she is a mess up, and is ruining our time in Hawaii.

 

I don’t feel like that at all, I want her to be happy, I want us to decide to do things together. I have no idea what to do, we have 5 days left, but I don’t want to honeymoon with a sad puppy that just follows me around.

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How long have you two been together prior to getting married? this kind of behavior usually manifests itself pretty early on into a relationship. Has she exhibited behavior like this in the past? any issues with mental illness or medications?

 

I find it hard to believe that a rational person would begin to act this way without some sort of underlying factors at play.

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Oh dang...that's rough! And scary!

 

Has she ever acted like or shown signs of this before? Does she have a history of OCD/anxiety? Were you already drinking when this happened-was she intoxicated?

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OP I went back over your posting history and found many instances of your wife behaving erratically throughout your relationship. From putting herself in strange positions with men, to being absolutely distraught at the idea of not having her male friend in her life anymore... seems like this behavior is just getting worse as time goes on.

 

I would follow the above advice about getting her to a doctor and having her mental health checked... you don't want this escalating further to the point that she causes serious harm to herself or someone else.

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Inspired by maew, I took a stroll through your past posts and, yes, it seems this moment is not out of the blue but very much in line with the dynamic you two have created together.

 

I can't help but feel that you've spent a good portion of this relationship feeling that you need to "work" on your insecurities while being with someone who has given you many reasons, including last night, to feel insecure.

 

I'm typically very reserved when it comes to sounding big alarm bells, but when I read this first post and came across the part where she said she hates herself, and is awful and defective, my first thought was: because she has, in some way, cheated on you and is struggling to live with that in the context of a marriage and honeymoon. Reading your past posts—about her crying about a male friend, drinking with men at 4am—it's really hard not wonder if this is partly what's behind the outburst.

 

That infidelity, mind you, might not be a conventional affair, or even what we conventionally think of as an emotional affair, but something more along the lines of "cheating" on you by cheating on herself—being dishonest about certain feelings and concerns, trying to resolve them in ways that are destructive and leading to the kind of self-loathing you're describing.

 

Bottom line? She needs help and, it seems, your relationship needs help. You just got married. This is not the time to pretend everything is perfect by "controlling" the rest of the Hawaiian vacation, but to take what yourselves, what you have, and each other, very seriously.

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Looking at other threads you've created about her and your relationship - there is a pattern of strange behaviour with her, particularly when it comes to other men and having appropriate boundaries.

 

This latest episode is certainly alarming and needs to be addressed, no doubt. But I have to wonder, what has been done to address the other underlying problems between you two? It seems this incident could well be the culmination of pent-up resentment, hostility and negativity that she has no clue how to deal with in a healthy manner.

 

You two really need to get her to a doctor, and to get yourselves into counselling to untangle all the issues that seem to have plagued your relationship and now your marriage.

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I'm typically very reserved when it comes to sounding big alarm bells, but when I read this first post and came across the part where she said she hates herself, and is awful and defective, my first thought was: because she has, in some way, cheated on you and is struggling to live with that in the context of a marriage and honeymoon. Reading your past posts—about her crying about a male friend, drinking with men at 4am—it's really hard not wonder if this is partly what's behind the outburst.

 

That was my first thought too, blue.

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Tour the rest of the island and stay out of the tourist traps and bars. When you get back make an appoint with a marital therapist.

I want us to decide to do things together. I have no idea what to do, we have 5 days left, but I don’t want to honeymoon with a sad puppy that just follows me around.
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Inspired by maew, I took a stroll through your past posts and, yes, it seems this moment is not out of the blue but very much in line with the dynamic you two have created together.

 

I can't help but feel that you've spent a good portion of this relationship feeling that you need to "work" on your insecurities while being with someone who has given you many reasons, including last night, to feel insecure.

 

I'm typically very reserved when it comes to sounding big alarm bells, but when I read this first post and came across the part where she said she hates herself, and is awful and defective, my first thought was: because she has, in some way, cheated on you and is struggling to live with that in the context of a marriage and honeymoon. Reading your past posts—about her crying about a male friend, drinking with men at 4am—it's really hard not wonder if this is partly what's behind the outburst.

 

That infidelity, mind you, might not be a conventional affair, or even what we conventionally think of as an emotional affair, but something more along the lines of "cheating" on you by cheating on herself—being dishonest about certain feelings and concerns, trying to resolve them in ways that are destructive and leading to the kind of self-loathing you're describing.

 

Bottom line? She needs help and, it seems, your relationship needs help. You just got married. This is not the time to pretend everything is perfect by "controlling" the rest of the Hawaiian vacation, but to take what yourselves, what you have, and each other, very seriously.

 

Bingo. My very first thought? That girl cheated or is cheating and is feeling so much guilt and shame now that she is married that it is quite literally driving her insane.

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I knew someone who had dated a girl and everything was fine (sorta) I only met him on a dating site. But he said she did a complete 180 the min. they got married. To being jealous on their wedding day...to not wanting to go to the beach on their honeymoon cuz he might look at other women in swimsuits. He Divorced her within months!

 

You know what I think about people going off the deep end!!!

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Hate to say it, but suddenly her sideways pressure about him (a) having a bachelor party with (b) an emphasis on how she'd be okay with strippers makes a little more sense.

 

A + B = less guilt for her for moving forward.

 

Marriage - A - B = honeymoon implosion.

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I'm sorry this is happening. Hawaii is such a beautiful place (my avatar photo was taken on Waikiki Beach!) and it's a shame you are dealing with this while trying to have a good trip.

 

Have you asked her why she thinks she's a terrible person? I'm leaning toward what others have said -- that she's done something (even if it's not physical cheating) that she's really ashamed of, and it's triggering some sort of breakdown, hence her repeated refrain that she's messing everything up/ruining everything, etc. If it's NOT that, she might be having some sort of legitimate mental health crisis that needs attention. Either way, I think it's important that as soon as you arrive home, you schedule marital counseling, and she could probably use some individual counseling as well. That way, you can work together to see if you can save your marriage.

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I'm more of a Big Island woman. Not much into the Honolulu scene as it reminds me of LA and Vancouver. If you like more country, you're on the wrong island (try exploring the others another time). The $20 cover seems standard so I'm not sure why stifle the mood since you're already there. It could have also been the straw that broke the camel's back if you've been arguing about money since the start of this year (re: your previous posts/thread). Tensions are already a bit high.

 

I'm sorry you're going through all this but I think the writing was on the wall a long time ago. There were troubles before you got married and she seems both forceful/opinionated and very emotional (I'm referring to the whole strippers/bachelor party problem and her opinions). I'd try and make the most of the trip as it is now and go back to your reasons for marrying each other or being together in the first place. Try and make amends where possible. You shouldn't be placating her or walking on eggshells though. Remain authentically you without being purposefully antagonistic or argumentative. Next time there's a cover charge of $20 I don't think it's wise to make a big deal about it.

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