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My husband has always been quite an angry person. He's not violent towards me just gets angry very easily. He was diagnosed with depression maybe three years ago now. I'm so fed up of the anger and the mind games going on.

 

I fell asleep on the settee last night, so he moans this morning that he Had to sleep on living room floor I said you didn't NB have to, you chose to, the bed is upstairs. This morning he has woken up gone mad at our daughter because her iPad was a little loud shouting to go upstairs out of the way, this then makes her cry and cling to me to which he will get mad if I take her upstairs out of the room. He said to me that he just can't stand the noise this morning with his mental health, this is always an issue with him, and so I just told my daughter to sit on my knee. He then kciks off cause I've ignored him. I said I didn't ignore you you've said you can't stand the noise there isn't a question or a need to answer you?? So I get told I'm starting an argument, that I'm nasty and that I never am there for him when he kicks off . I said I didn't start an argument you are starting by saying I'm ignoring you you're causing an issue over something so small but then he goes on and on about how I am never there that I won't sit near him etc. He doesn't understabd I don't want to be bear him when he's starting he's always starting minor issues into full blown arguments then telling me I started or I am nasty etc when all I do is sit there quietly. I'm really fed up with this and don't know what else I can do anymore. I've tried to break things off in the past he always gets upset and apologises and promises to change and he doesn't mean it etc I have said I can't just excuse cause he has depression that he's allowed to shout at me for nothing. I really don't know what to do I'm really not happy I'm dreading the summer break with the kids cause they are noisy and they always get shouted at. I really don't know what to do anymore. Also it's like he goes mad cause people r making noise around him but then goes mad when nobody wants to sit in same room as him and then it's all nobody's there for him etc. I just can't deal with the whole mindgames

Edited by Smarie15
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Well...your kids are being emotionally abused and terrorized by this man's behavior - so how long will you stand by and turn a blind eye to that just because for the umpteenth time he promised that he will change. What has he actually done to change? Is he going to therapy every week? Seeing a psychiatrist and taking his meds to manage the depression? Improving his lifestyle, health, eating habits to help manage his moods and issues? I'm guessing that outside of promises he is doing nothing constructive or nothing that actually works.

 

Long past time to pack up your stuff and leave and most importantly, get your kids away from him. Get out and stay out is my advice. Stop hoping for change because for as long as you stay, you are enabling him to carry on as is.

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Was the iPad noisy?

Did you ask your child to turn it down?

It seems to me that you comforted your child while ignoring his issue?

 

I’m not suggesting you shouldn’t comfort your child nor walk on eggshells around him.

Perhaps he had a valid point but went about it the wrong way.

 

Have you ever tried talking to him when he is no longer in a bad mood?

 

Are you willing to give him a time frame to actually get help with his depression and anger? To see if things change?

 

Some people use depression as an excuse for their behaviour rather than confronting it.

 

When you have tried to break things off in the past , it seems like you accepted his apologies and promise to change.

Perhaps approach it in a different way.

And not soon after one of his outbursts but on a calm day. Say that you are tired of his promises and that you will give him one month to organise treatment / therapy or you will have no option but to leave. For that month say nothing , at the end of the month if he hasn’t made appts etc then make plans to leave.

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My first husband suffered from depression and acted like this. When we were not arguing, I sat him down for a serious discussion and calmly told him I couldn't live like this anymore and wanted a divorce. Only then did he take me seriously since we weren't arguing and calling out threats of divorce. He went to a psychiatrist and got on meds and it was a great life for the following two years. And then, he said he wanted to wean himself off because he never meant to be on meds for a lifetime. I warned him that was a mistake, but he did it and got even worse than before. After some time, I didn't care if he got back on the meds because he'd killed all the love I had for him, and then I divorced him.

 

I'd give it one shot like that, and if he follows through, give the meds time to work. If he refuses, see a lawyer. You and your children deserve a calm environment. Take care.

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You know you're with a tyrant who terrorizes your daughter. Get to therapy and do not tell him. Privately and confidentially discuss the damage he is doing to you and your daughter. Stop excusing his mental health issues and his anger.

 

These are power, control and mental maltreatment tactics to damage your daughter and you and make himself feel better and "in control". Stop snipping back at him, stop answering to him. Focus solely on your child and yourself and what is best for her and your mental g health. You won't fix or change him.

 

He enjoys being an abominable tyrant. It's fun for him to blame you, watch you cringe, watch your daughter feel terror, watch you console your daughter after his tyrannical outburst. Stop kidding yourself that "poor him he has this/that mental health problem and he's angry". You can't fix or change him.

This morning he has woken up gone mad at our daughter because her iPad was a little loud shouting to go upstairs out of the way, this then makes her cry and cling to me to which he will get mad if I take her upstairs out of the room. He said to me that he just can't stand the noise this morning with his mental health, this is always an issue with him, and so I just told my daughter to sit on my knee. He then kciks off cause I've ignored him.
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I agree with Billie's points. Sometimes when parenting putting up a united front is not easy especially if one child favours one parent over the other or feels he/she will receive more sympathy from one rather than the other. Although it's a bit difficult having to care for both your husband and your children and he does need to seek treatment for his depression, I don't think he should have shouted at your daughter because that creates a fear-based relationship. A relationship that begins and only knows fear (fear-based responses) is not healthy. That child is learning how to treat others or treatment of others and also developing difficult attachment styles that can affect her in the long term and her future relationships with others.

 

It does seem like your husband is reacting out of frustration and resentment towards you and I'm not aware of depression causing bouts of aggression and shouting. Maybe this is part and parcel of something else. Either way leave this to a professional and if both of you need a second opinion, get a second opinion and encourage him to seek treatment.

 

In the midst of all this, don't forget to take care of yourself too and practice some healthy R & R, no matter how short or silly you may think it is. It's easy for resentments to build especially when there's a grown adult vs children in the picture.

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To answer some questions.

I work, he doesn't

He has tried several different meds over the years and is receiving treatment for his depression.

He has had CBT therapy but hasn't helped. Counselling isn't available for free and we can't afford it as I have suggested it in the past. He is open to getting help has rang many helplines etc but aside from suggesting yoga or mindfulness they aren't much help.

 

Yes the iPad was loud and this is one thing that does affect him, being in crowded places, noisy places out and about he will get angry easily at the noise. I don't excuse the behaviour because of his depression I simply said that I have said to him that I shouldn't accept it just because he has depression.

 

In the past I haven't just accepted apologies, He has left for days or weeks at a time and yes I've let him home as the kids miss him and I can't be assed with the grief.

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How old are your children?

 

It's unfortunate for everyone, but it seems he is simply not in a position right now to be able to be a healthy partner to you nor and to be a full time parent.

 

So children always come first. Perhaps you brainstorm ideas of a situation where he can provide the kids with the kind of parenting they deserve. Maybe that means he needs to not be there full time and so he can give them his best.

I know it's not what you signed up for. I'm sure when you got married and had kids together, it was with the understanding you'd have a teammate and partner and you wouldn't feel like you are doing so much on your own, nevermind having to protect your children from his outbursts.

But if these are his capabilities now, they are what they are. It's not healthy to try and force him to meet something he simply can not.

 

Perhaps also if he was on his own, he would qualify for some assistance. I think it's be smart to look into other child care options besides him right away. Take the strain off him, off the kids, and you.

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To answer some questions.

I work, he doesn't

He has tried several different meds over the years and is receiving treatment for his depression.

He has had CBT therapy but hasn't helped. Counselling isn't available for free and we can't afford it as I have suggested it in the past. He is open to getting help has rang many helplines etc but aside from suggesting yoga or mindfulness they aren't much help.

 

Yes the iPad was loud and this is one thing that does affect him, being in crowded places, noisy places out and about he will get angry easily at the noise. I don't excuse the behaviour because of his depression I simply said that I have said to him that I shouldn't accept it just because he has depression.

 

In the past I haven't just accepted apologies, He has left for days or weeks at a time and yes I've let him home as the kids miss him and I can't be assed with the grief.

 

Why is he not working?

That in itself wouldn’t be good for depression!!

 

Has he ever got a second opinion on his diagnosis? Has he lasted a reasonable time on any of the meds? Enough to know if it’s actually working or not?

CBT he should try with a different psych. It can make a huge difference to have someone he is more imfortable with , more experienced with his situation etc

 

If noise and noisy places are a trigger for him, it is best to avoid where possible.

As I said, I’m not suggesting you walk on egg shells but you need to be on board with him getting better too.

 

I think you are over compensating for his outbursts in front of the kids , cuddling them etc when he raises his voice. But really what you should try do is calmly say yes daughter the iPad is too noisy can you please turn it down.

Your husband will then start to feel supported and next time perhaps not lose the plot?

You both need to exercise the same discipline to your kids and there is a healthy way to do that. But if one is being too harsh and the other too soft it simply creates confusion for the child who will eventually learn to take advantage of that so that neither you or your husband have control.

 

Sometimes depression can be used as an excuse for behaviour , other times it’s actually not easily controlled by the affected person.

 

I understand depression not only affects the affected person but those close to them too.

Perhaps you could consider counselling on your own , get some insight on what to do?

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Why is he not working?

That in itself wouldn’t be good for depression!!

 

Has he ever got a second opinion on his diagnosis? Has he lasted a reasonable time on any of the meds? Enough to know if it’s actually working or not?

CBT he should try with a different psych. It can make a huge difference to have someone he is more imfortable with , more experienced with his situation etc

 

If noise and noisy places are a trigger for him, it is best to avoid where possible.

As I said, I’m not suggesting you walk on egg shells but you need to be on board with him getting better too.

 

I think you are over compensating for his outbursts in front of the kids , cuddling them etc when he raises his voice. But really what you should try do is calmly say yes daughter the iPad is too noisy can you please turn it down.

Your husband will then start to feel supported and next time perhaps not lose the plot?

You both need to exercise the same discipline to your kids and there is a healthy way to do that. But if one is being too harsh and the other too soft it simply creates confusion for the child who will eventually learn to take advantage of that so that neither you or your husband have control.

 

Sometimes depression can be used as an excuse for behaviour , other times it’s actually not easily controlled by the affected person.

 

I understand depression not only affects the affected person but those close to them too.

Perhaps you could consider counselling on your own , get some insight on what to do?

 

Yes he has tried four different meds now over the last 3.5 years, he's been on for months at a time, the first he had bad side effect of muscle stiffness the second made his mood even worse and then he got muscle stiffness of them too, the third gave him bad anxiety attacks so yes now on citalopram which doctor said is the best one for anxiety.

 

He doesn't work due to the anxiety as he couldn't leave my house, it got to a point where he would be sick all morning, then when it was time to leave would not physically be able to step off the doorstep, he would shake sweat shortness of breath etc. He managed to get an old job back but they fired him as he was using machinery and he was constantly getting shakes and anxiety attacks at work. This has all created that thought process of nobody will hire me etc. He's lost several jobs due to this so his self esteem in that respect just doesn't exist anymore.

 

I do sometimes agree with him in terms of the kids and I do struggle with this at times I will try and do what you suggested with agreeing and not kind of going against what he is saying to them.

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Yes he has tried four different meds now over the last 3.5 years, he's been on for months at a time, the first he had bad side effect of muscle stiffness the second made his mood even worse and then he got muscle stiffness of them too, the third gave him bad anxiety attacks so yes now on citalopram which doctor said is the best one for anxiety.

 

He doesn't work due to the anxiety as he couldn't leave my house, it got to a point where he would be sick all morning, then when it was time to leave would not physically be able to step off the doorstep, he would shake sweat shortness of breath etc. He managed to get an old job back but they fired him as he was using machinery and he was constantly getting shakes and anxiety attacks at work. This has all created that thought process of nobody will hire me etc. He's lost several jobs due to this so his self esteem in that respect just doesn't exist anymore.

 

I do sometimes agree with him in terms of the kids and I do struggle with this at times I will try and do what you suggested with agreeing and not kind of going against what he is saying to them.

 

Muscle stiffness? The lesser of 2 evils?

It sounds like his anxiety is causing him to read up on occasional side affects and he believes he suffers them despite maybe not?

 

Citalopram is first and foremost an anti depressant. It has reduced anxiety in those with mild anxiety. His is not mild!

He needs beta blockers!

 

I feel very sorry for him because it seems his anxiety has been overlooked by probably what’s lesser , depression.

 

He needs to go back to his GP for anxiety first and foremost which is likely the cause of his depression. Not the other way around!

 

Depression can be debilitating but anxiety even moreso.

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Muscle stiffness? The lesser of 2 evils?

It sounds like his anxiety is causing him to read up on occasional side affects and he believes he suffers them despite maybe not?

 

Citalopram is first and foremost an anti depressant. It has reduced anxiety in those with mild anxiety. His is not mild!

He needs beta blockers!

 

I feel very sorry for him because it seems his anxiety has been overlooked by probably what’s lesser , depression.

 

He needs to go back to his GP for anxiety first and foremost which is likely the cause of his depression. Not the other way around!

 

Depression can be debilitating but anxiety even moreso.

 

He never read about side effects, he went to doctors with this and that's what the doctor had said it was due to the meds. He's been to doctor for anxiety and he said the meds he's on are best for anxiety and to just carry on and persevere

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He never read about side effects, he went to doctors with this and that's what the doctor had said it was due to the meds. He's been to doctor for anxiety and he said the meds he's on are best for anxiety and to just carry on and persevere

 

You do realise that GP’s are people that studied medicine but failed to specialise?

 

Citalopram is NOT an anti anxiety med.

 

Your husband is not receiving appropriate treatment. He needs to change GP.

And when he finally is properly treated he should complain to the health authorities in your country about this!

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Yes take whatever advice his personal physicians suggest. He is the patient they are his doctors who have examined him. His treatment plan is personal and confidential and only for him and his physician to determine. All you can do id set up better boundaries and take care of you your own physical and mental health.

He's been to doctor for anxiety and he said the meds he's on are best for anxiety and to just carry on and persevere
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