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Is it worth staying?


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Hi all - thank you all for your help so far. I’m getting tears in my eyes that strangers on the internet are helping me. I deeply appreciate it.

 

I’ve decided a few things:

1 find a therapist and go

2 I need to sit down and talk about our issues openly and tell him how I feel. I’m hoping a therapist can help prepare me for that.

3 if he is unwilling to change, which is very likely, I will need to leave him. I’ll probably be back for support here, ya’ll are awesome.

 

I also want all of you to know that he doesn’t “yell” at me per say, but he does talk loudly and sound very annoyed often. He has never and will never physically abuse me (I’m sure on this one). Thank you for caring about my well being.

 

I’ll be back to check this thread and see if there’s more but I think I have a plan for now.

 

I think you have an excellent plan, and I am sure that a therapist will be able to help you prepare to sit down with your husband and discuss your issues openly. I know that you said you don't enjoy romantic intimacy with him, and several people have noted that as a major sign that this marriage is not fix-able, but I wouldn't place so much emphasis on that right now. For me personally, romantic intimacy is only something I can feel when other things are going well. So if you address the other issues, like feeling like you are being heard, then that intimacy might return.

 

This was my perspective on what you said: When he nags you and criticizes you, you feel like he doesn't value and appreciate your efforts, and that he doesn't hold you in high esteem.

Additionally, you yourself admitted that you do not hold him in high esteem, either. You said that you settled for him and that you suspect you could have found someone better. I wonder if he can sense your lack of respect for him, and part of his way of asserting his value is to lecture you or always try to show how much he knows better than you about certain things. He may be acting selfishly, more interested in speaking than listening, because he is insecure and always trying to prove himself. This is my guess, that this is a possibility.

 

Instead of your usual dynamic, wouldn't it be nice if he said to you "I appreciate all that you do for us, I can tell that you work hard and contribute a lot, and I'm so grateful for you." And then wouldn't it be nice if you said to him "I feel so safe with you, I know you would never cheat on me or lie to me, and I appreciate how you help remind me to do something when I forget." How could you two get to that point where statements of gratitude become habitual?

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I think you've already checked out emotionally and I'd encourage you to put down the walls for a second and take a deep breath. When you say you love him like family and not romantically (post #1), you've categorized what you share into a small box with very short edges. What I also found odd is that you prefaced your first post framing it like small or petty issues but seem to be very upset over them. Are they really that significant or are you blowing it out of proportion (at a high level of frustration/no outlets)? I'm not sure if any of the other members addressed your support network either or what you do in your free time, your hobbies, how you spend your time outside of the relationship or with your friends or family members. Would it help to explore better stress management techniques and learning to communicate better with your husband (where levels of frustration/tension are a bit lower)?

 

I'm suggesting that you recognize when he does things to annoy you but you should also be mitigating those things and learning to manage your stress levels on your own. You shouldn't be afraid either so signs of fear in a relationship are unusual and not healthy. You may also be discovering that you are accessing deep insecurities on your part, feeling low self-confidence, nervous, unable to function because you've internalized the arguments deeply. It's not unusual to feel low if someone keeps criticizing us but it does help if we have a wider perspective. If you have a solid support network and hobbies that ground you, it may not be so difficult to put things in perspective and be able to let the smaller issues roll off your back. You may also be a bit more inspired to make fun of him or joke around with him when he jokes with you.

 

He may also be meticulous and you mentioned he helps out a lot around the house. This may mean that he's a bit more conscientious about where things go because he's the one doing most of the tidying and organizing or fixing. It doesn't mean your role in your household is any less or important because you do have a role to play too. It does mean appreciating each other for your respective roles and all that you each do for each other and your home is important (appreciating each other equally).

 

Try appreciating each other more. If you do feel a therapist is necessary in helping you organize your thoughts, that's up to you. Either way, I'd start rebuilding communication and trust and a whole lot of appreciation between the both of you. Humour works wonders also and learning to laugh at ourselves. Don't take things so seriously and don't let someone make you feel so low, have fun with each other but don't let your partner take advantage of you or go too far while you get to know each other again. Engage in hobbies and spend time with your friends and family also.

Edited by Rose Mosse
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