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Why will my ex not give me peace even after blocking end ending it?


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I have posted on here a few times before. As an update in regards to my previous threads, I feel much, much better.

 

I was in a very turbulent relationship and as a result suffered from serious anxiety and stress. I have took all advice from close friends, family and on here, so I blocked my ex on all social media platforms including WhatsApp.

 

It has been a couple of weeks since the break up after a holiday we went on together.

 

I have been focusing on healing and getting my health back on track. I lost my appetite completely and I put my health on the back burner, which I now know I shouldn’t have.

 

To try and take my mind off things, I just got back from a trip with a male friend who had an event launch and invited me. It was a nice time, nothing romantic involved as we are just friends.

 

During the trip, I continued to post a few pics of the trip on my Instagram. I forgot I had friends of my ex’s on social media, who have obviously gone ahead and told him I am away with a guy.

 

My ex has then messaged my friend, demanding to know what guy I am away with, and also sending sarcastic messages such as ‘oh wow she’s on holiday with another guy again LOL’ etc.

 

This is just distressing for me, as I do not understand why he is still not giving me peace and still finding ways to get at me.

 

If he didn’t care, and was moving on as I thought we were, why is he still finding a way to do this and get at me?

 

I am starting to feel better and healing but I feel like he will never give me peace and I am

confused as to why.

 

I have advised my friends to block him now since, but I just cannot get my head around why he would still be messaging these sorts of things when it is done!?

 

We both mutually ended it and I just want to move on, so why won’t he let me?

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Why didn't you block his ability to text you?

 

You don't owe him any explanations about what you're doing with your life. You can't control what your friends post, but you can make sure that he has ZERO ways of contacting you. I hope you don't plan on responding.

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Glad to hear you're doing better.

 

He's not stopping you from moving on. He's just being himself. Big ego. He's allowed to be himself, of course, which means he's allowed to be miffed that you're doing whatever you're doing, posting whatever you're doing. And he's allowed to blow some hot air to a mutual friend, even doing so in the hopes of getting under your skin or finding some version of "peace" for himself.

 

None of that really has anything to do with you, you see? Unless you make the story about you instead of about him.

 

Honestly, the person in this scenario I'd be annoyed with is your friend. Why is he/she bothering to tell you about this nonsense? Can't help but feel like you've got some drama-seeking people in your orbit. Lots of making big things out of small things, something from nothing.

 

Just tell your friends you don't want to hear anything about him. If they feel the need to keep informing you about nonsense—well, time to assess your friends.

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An example of how another version of friendship can look:

 

My best friend broke up with a longterm girlfriend 4 years ago. They were together a decade, engaged, so you can imagine it was sad and complicated. She has a big ego, a meddlesome instinct, likes to poke at bears to feel something. All that was connected to why things ended, on his side.

 

She still looks for little ways every now and then to get at him, and she's married. Since she is blocked every which way in his world one of those ways, or an attempt, is that she'll peek at my stuff on social media sometimes: looking at stories, randomly following me and unfollowing me. Lame smoke signals, basically. I've never really known her—never, frankly, liked her very much.

 

You know what I tell my friend when she follows, unfollows, looks at my stuff? NOTHING. I give it no power and, with that, it has no power. I love my friend and know he doesn't want or need that noise. I don't want or need that noise. I'm sure he does the same for me, when I've had exes or people I've dated sleuth around on his feeds for some info about me.

 

Just something to think about. This is all dramatic only if you choose to make it into a show. Otherwise it's just the way some people behave after breaking up. Not graceful, but not meaningful.

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This is about his ego, nothing more. We already know the man is not a good person and doesn't respect you. His response here isn't based on feelings for you, but feelings for himself.

 

As the others have already advised, tell your friends to stop reporting back to you about him.

 

He doesn't have the power to prevent you from moving on if you don't hand him that power. You can move on in spite of his behaviour.

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No offense intended, but this is the result of you sending out the bait. I have a hunch that you knew this would get back to your ex through other friends on social media.

 

I'm sure I won't score any brownie points here, but if you truly want to end it and move on, you will, if not you'll find an excuse.

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Agree with all of this. He is leaving you alone. It's a free country -he's allowed to text who he wants to. Tell your friends you don't want to hear anything about him, ever. Please don't ask friends to block him. That's overstepping with your friends.

 

And yes you're allowed to post photos on social media of whatever. And understand that posting photos on social media comes with its risks of people seeing/sharing them with those you didn't intend to. Is it worth the risk? Your choice.

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Why don't you take a break from posting your life on social media? No body cares what you're up to really and those that do care you will share stories about your life as well as pictures when.you.are.face.to.face. Before you've done that, tell your friends that you don't want to hear anything about him, what he posts, nothing.

 

Time to rest, relax, refresh without all this social media noise that causes so many so much emotional grief.

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If he didn’t care, and was moving on as I thought we were, why is he still finding a way to do this and get at me?

 

 

Are you actually serious with this question? Really?

 

Come on now, you know better, you must.

 

This isn't him caring or him not moving on, it's EGO. 100% pure ego, nothing more, nothing less.

 

I suspect however you want it to mean he still cares and hasn't moved on, because you haven't.

 

I mean if you were truly moving on or even trying to, this thread wouldn't even exist.

 

Which is ok, I've been there, it takes time to heal.

 

But please, do not be telling yourself stories that he still cares and hasn't moved on for goodness sakes, he is the one who blew you off; if he still cared, he would not have blown you off and you would still be together.

 

I would also advise to get some new friends and stop posting pics on Instagram. At least for now

 

The pics of you and the other guy? You had to have known he would see them somehow, or be told about them, so I have to question your motives and if subconsciously wanted to stir up drama, it keeps it all alive and you connected.

 

Time for you to move on Chloe. Seriously it's time.

 

Let it all go, release.

Edited by katrina1980
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Thanks for all the responses. While I do completely agree my friends shouldn’t have told me, they feel obliged to also as they were unsure of the most recent updates in this situation.

 

Some of us live quite far from each other and I don’t speak to them everyday, so they told me as I had not updated them on me blocking him etc.

 

I guess I did some thinking and while I am completely done, I just feel slightly bad for posting the Instagram stories now. This is because I was imagining how I’d feel if the shoe was on the other foot. If I saw him posting pics and videos of being away with another girl this soon after, I would feel so so angry and conflicted. Purely because I would be like so how do you move on that fast!?

 

Why am I feeling bad, is this normal!?

 

I know I am healing still, but I don’t understand this weird feeling of now feeling bad for seemingly moving on too quick.

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No offense intended, but this is the result of you sending out the bait. I have a hunch that you knew this would get back to your ex through other friends on social media.

 

I'm sure I won't score any brownie points here, but if you truly want to end it and move on, you will, if not you'll find an excuse.

 

100% agree with Heartgoeson, you had a nice day out/away whatever and then as a 'bonus' your ex has found out and it's given you a little ego boost that he has reacted but then i also agree with the other posters here, his reaction isn't about YOU, it's about him. He is leaving you alone, you are not leaving you alone. I would consider blocking those friends from your social media too because they are either ignorant or looking to cause drama.

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Also in relation to responses saying I did this in for attention or a reaction from him, I actually didn’t.

 

I use Instagram A LOT. For work, socially etc. So for me I post where I am in the world as I travel all the time and the place I went to was very beautiful.

 

My close friends on Instagram I would not want to block just because of him. Yes, I have now remover HIS friends I had on my Instagram. But never my own!

 

I agree it is very much for his ego. But I just don’t understand why he would even care to ask. I am getting over it, so I would like to think he is too.

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Yeah, often you have to delete and block the individual as well as all their people from all platforms. It's wise to reset your privacy setting if you are concerned with friends gossiping or them getting back to you about his derogatory remarks. It's doubtful he will feel jealous enough to come back. It doesn't sound like he attempting to contact you or bother you, so enjoy your peace.

I just got back from a trip with a male friend who had an event launch and invited me. I continued to post a few pics of the trip on my Instagram. I forgot I had friends of my ex’s on social media, who have obviously gone ahead and told him I am away with a guy.
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Agreed. He tried to contact me but was blocked on everything. In his exact words to my friend ‘she’s blocked me but I’ve been told she’s away with a guy. Who is he and what is she playing at!? Another holiday with a new guy in less than a month, LOL’

 

Then there was the ‘tell her she’s unbelievable’

 

But you’re right. His friends need to go too now and they have.

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Agreed. He tried to contact me but was blocked on everything. In his exact words to my friend ‘she’s blocked me but I’ve been told she’s away with a guy. Who is he and what is she playing at!? Another holiday with a new guy in less than a month, LOL’

 

Then there was the ‘tell her she’s unbelievable’

 

But you’re right. His friends need to go too now and they have.

 

Yes and question why your friend would share that with you. I had a "friend" who shared information about my ex with me (when we were exploring getting back together) and pretended it was because she thought he was "cheating" on me (which he couldn't have been -we weren't together) but the real reason is she wanted to be friends with the woman he'd been dating while we were not together. NIce.

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Also in relation to responses saying I did this in for attention or a reaction from him, I actually didn’t.

 

I use Instagram A LOT. For work, socially etc. So for me I post where I am in the world as I travel all the time and the place I went to was very beautiful.

 

My close friends on Instagram I would not want to block just because of him. Yes, I have now remover HIS friends I had on my Instagram. But never my own!

 

I agree it is very much for his ego. But I just don’t understand why he would even care to ask. I am getting over it, so I would like to think he is too.

 

It’s both of your egos.

 

For you to say, it’s not about my ego and then end it with asking again, why did he do that? You are asking so we can stroke your ego, you wanted someone to say he was being immature you now want someone to say he’s doing this because he isn’t over you, because you aren’t over him.

 

If I had to guess, I’d say you feel guilt not because you’ve moved on, but because it was done with ulterior motives.

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Also in relation to responses saying I did this in for attention or a reaction from him, I actually didn’t.

 

I use Instagram A LOT. For work, socially etc. So for me I post where I am in the world as I travel all the time and the place I went to was very beautiful.

 

 

Chloe, not sure who you think you are fooling perhaps yourself, cause it's not us.

 

You say you didn't do it for a reaction? Like none at all, it did not even occur to you that he would react?

 

What world do you live in that this would not even occur to you?

 

Of course he would react, and given how he blew you off and hurt you, imo it's perfectly normal that you would want him to react.

 

I've done it, many people have done it, and still do, wanting to hurt someone who has hurt us is a very normal human response.

 

Not saying it's right, it's not, not by a long shot, as FIO said, it's all about ego.

 

Your ego for wanting to stir some jealousy and him to react, and his response? The snarky, sarcastic LOL about you and the other guy??

 

All ego.

 

Again, not right, for either you or him, but it's human.

 

No disrespect but you seem quite self-righteous here.

 

Coming off as some sort of saint, feigning no motives other than wanting to post beautiful pics of the place you were visiting?

 

Not buying it and no one else is either, including HIM.

 

He's not stupid, he knew exactly why you posted them, which is why he responded with his snarky LOL. Not because he's "conflicted" and hurt.

 

That is how you would feel cause you still love him. They're not his feelings.

 

You're projecting which is also quite human after a break up, when our partner has hurt us and we still love that person.

 

Chloe, the reason why you are feeling so off is because you're in denial, about your feelings and motives and also about his.

 

Again, stop telling yourself stories... My advice is get yourself out of this denial, and start being honest and real with yourself otherwise you will never move on.

 

And to add -- I don't see this as him not leaving you alone. He IS leaving you alone, problem is you don't actually want him to leave you alone.

 

It's quite obvious so you may as well just own it, so you can begin your healing.

 

Apologies if this came off harsh, and not judging even though it comes off that way.

 

I've BTDT done that so totally get it, the denial, projection, the jealousy test, all of it.

 

I've learned a lot.

Edited by katrina1980
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Question for you Chloe no need to answer to us.

 

IF your only motive was posting pics of the beautiful locale you were visiting, why include the other guy in those photos?

 

Why would this be necessary, again assumimg your only motive was posting pics of the beautiful place you were at?

 

I am sorry, I simply refuse to believe that you could be so self-absorbed, living in your own little world, oblivious to the feelings of others, that it would never even occur to you how seeing those photos would cause your ex to feel causing a reaction from him.

 

Which in his case, was all ego.

 

You seem like a lovely person. I just don't see you as being that unempathetic and self-centered.

 

Hurt? Yes.

 

Hoping to stir some jealousy? Yes.

 

Hoping for a reaction? Yes.

 

All human under the circumstances.

 

But not no self-centered that it would never even occur to you how he would feel.

 

I could be wrong.

Edited by katrina1980
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People who use Instagram "A LOT" are very aware of the power of Instagram. They know when a landscape is a landscape, and when it might be something else: bragging, projecting, attempting to tell a "story" that is the opposite of the real story, or take a sideways jab at someone. They know that there is a direct correlation between, say, feeling lonely and unattractive and posting a photo in which they look very attractive. They're also aware of how even harmless posts can be interpreted as such, which is to say they're aware when a harmless post is not actually harmless.

 

Want to go on a little trip with a friend while you're healing? Cool. Heck, want to have a little fling, if that was the case? Equally cool. But it's worth asking yourself: what is gained by documenting it? Genuine pleasure or genuine drama that negates the pleasure? A genuine feeling of peace and letting go, or an illusion that is actually much more like holding on? Does the posting of it enhance the healing or detract from it?

 

I think if you—and this goes for him, too—really asked yourself what you find so frustrating about the other you'd see that, in each other, you have found a mirror to qualities in yourself that you don't much like. Big, fragile, hungry, egos. Petty, superficial streaks. A desire for power and attention that makes being seen as genuine a challenge. An inability to take the feelings of another person into account when you're feeling something.

 

That's all human stuff—no judgement. But is it the stuff we want to cultivate or the stuff we want to corral?

 

You've both spent an extraordinary amount of time using social media as a gauge for things. You've been upset when he went away and posted pics of partying with women. You've checked to see who is following him, who he's following. And he's done the same, pounding his chest and calling you names. This is just more of the same. This is how you two "connect." That your friends, and his friends, participate in the drama leads me to think this is how a lot of people you know connect, where they find value.

 

There are other ways of being. Explore some of those other ways and you may find yourself connecting to a different sort of person, and being less thrown by these sorts of connections, be they platonic or romantic.

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Well said by blue, sort of echoes what I said but better articulated. And adding more relevant points..

 

Hope you are able to heed the advice Chloe, learn from it and move on once and for all.

Edited by katrina1980
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What BC wrote reminds me of an exchange I had with a friend - her mother is basically toxic but she doesn't want her to be cut off from her grandson. Her mother posts snarky comments on Facebook for example so I said simply block her from Facebook and interact with her in other ways. The response "but that's the only way she gets to see pictures of [her grandson]". I responded - I don't post any photos of my son (my mother is not on Facebook though -but my sister and other family are). I email them and text them and even have them printed and sent to her local drugstore where she can pick them up - how about doing that? No response. And I'm not surprised because she wants to hold on to her illusion that she "needs" to post photos of her son and that there's no other way to share photos with family members. By analogy people really seem to forget that there's a life outside of sharing photos and how sharing photos often has negative effects on everyone including the sharer.

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What BC wrote reminds me of an exchange I had with a friend - her mother is basically toxic but she doesn't want her to be cut off from her grandson. Her mother posts snarky comments on Facebook for example so I said simply block her from Facebook and interact with her in other ways. The response "but that's the only way she gets to see pictures of [her grandson]". I responded - I don't post any photos of my son (my mother is not on Facebook though -but my sister and other family are). I email them and text them and even have them printed and sent to her local drugstore where she can pick them up - how about doing that? No response. And I'm not surprised because she wants to hold on to her illusion that she "needs" to post photos of her son and that there's no other way to share photos with family members. By analogy people really seem to forget that there's a life outside of sharing photos and how sharing photos often has negative effects on everyone including the sharer.

 

One of my friends divorced her husband because he was having multiple affairs. She would frequently message me about the things she saw on his social media. I advised her to "unfriend" and block him. She told me she "couldn't" because they needed to co-parent. What, so before social media was invented it was impossible for divorced parents to co-parent? The real reason was she wanted to be able to snoop on his social media to see who he was dating. She would even screen shot posts he made and send them to me with a "can you believe he's doing this???!!!" comments. Finally she took my advice (and other friends had told her the same thing) and she's much more at peace.

 

It is not a requirement to post everything you do on social media. That whole "pics with 'likes' or it didn't happen" mindset is a fallacy.

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