I think we're done...thoughts?

[bluecastle]

Two things jumped out at me in the above: tropical location and yoga mat. Lovely stuff, those things. Forever stuff that misses your full attention.

 

Life is wild, we find ourselves twisted up into some strange shapes—the emotional and logistical kind, I'm talking, not the warrior and pigeon kind. It sounds like you've reached a great, if hard, moment where it's time to untwist yourself from the former so you can enjoy that latter again. Those misty mornings are about to get really lovely again, and there's no balm to a heavy heart quite like a yoga mat.

 

Namaste.

[Anonymous903]

This is exactly what I meant by being petty!

Why on earth would you bring up the dog poop bags in a break up conversation? What’s the point?

You shouldn’t be re hashing the petty stuff and instead only bring up the essential points you want to get across , and that is that you WANT to break up with him!

Or do you??

 

I’m sorry but you are not faultless in how things evaluated.

You cooked every evening in the beginning and now resent it.

You allowed him to move in only paying one third instead of half and now resent it.

You paid more than your fair share on vacations or nights out and now resent it.

You allowed his dog stay and now resent it.

Why?

 

You were clearly happy to do these things in the honeymoon phase. He liked the deal he got. And all of a sudden years later you want it all to change and right now.

 

And he is probably wondering where the flip this all came from all of a sudden?

What changed?

 

An ex of mine’s mother saw that I was doing too much for her son and he accepted it. She told me start off as you mean to continue. Great advice!!!

 

Do you love this man?

Do you want to break up with him?

Do you want an amicable split? Or one filled with resentment?

 

I already suggested an easy solution to where the dog poop bags go by putty ng a bin next to the planters. But you overlooked it and still want to badger him about it? Why? If you are breaking up , it’s not worth mentioning.

 

Oh and have you ever discussed with him about these family (your family) vacations?

Or just expected him to go?

It seems unfair on your part to me.

And rather boring to go to the same place year in year out for what is supposed to be a holiday.

 

Billie: You are making assumptions again.

 

I cooked because I wanted to show I care. I still do. It would be nice if he bought dinner once or suggested we go out so can have a break. I told him this. I'm always the one who has to suggest we go do anything, and when and if we do, I'm the one paying the tab. So I cook to save money as well. My point is I feel like I'm cooking for a kid, not a partner and he takes it for granted. I admit I set myself up for it by doing too much in the beginning and now he's used to basically doing nothing and me doing everything. Lesson learned.

 

I paid for him to be there on the vacation because he doesn't have the money to go if he wanted to. I was trying to be nice. Yes, he knew about the family vacations even before we got together since they've been happening for nearly 20 years and he as one of my long time friends, knew all about the annual tradition. I did not expect him to go, but he said he wanted to, then bucked out after it was paid with work related excuses when he knew the dates for 6 months because we have to book the rooms that far in advance. He always appeared to have fun with my family and like I said, the place we go there is NO requirement to hang out with family all day if you don't want to. It's big enough that you go do your own thing all day and meet up with others if you want. All the other couples there put the kids in activities and go do something as a couple...except the one time he came for more than two days, all he wanted to do was watch cartoons in the room. And before you pass judgment about where we go, and how boring you think it is to go to the same place every year, you really have no clue what you're talking about. The place we go is a place a LOT of people want to go back to every year and we often see the same people there year after year booking the same week too.

 

I'm about done reading your comments because they aren't helpful or constructive. They're just judgmental and rude. I admit I let the situation get to this point by not setting the ground rules and expecting basic things like pitching in, wanting to participate and not being a slob but I guess that was too much to ask so I'm the bad guy.

[Rose Mosse]

I think you're taking the comments very well and thank you for coming back to explain the situation further because it was a bit confusing and I was in disbelief of his behaviour. I'm starting to really think that he just was not ready for a relationship. You touched on it in post #25, 2nd last paragraph, last sentence: "I feel like he just stopped in time with that marriage or something." At the risk of throwing the T word around, I do feel he probably needs help (some consistent therapy or speaking with someone about his issues). He stopped growing and evolving. I think in times of trauma and pain there is the possibility of a person staying stuck in that trauma and not coming out of it or recovering completely. Billie mentioned it in terms of spending time alone and figuring his life out. You're connected to his past in a way that hasn't allowed him to move on and he hasn't made any efforts on his part either to see you as a whole person on your own (someone he can spend his life with).

 

Unfortunately, he has taken you forgranted or he hasn't seen you as an individual person and a person of his future, someone he can rebuild his future with. It's nearly unbelievable to me that he would care for his dog exclusively and play video games on his day off and resist spending time with you. Dogs are some of God's greatest creatures but there's a very strong attachment to the dog that's eclipsed care for the relationship and even care for himself. He isn't sleeping in a bed but sleeping on a mat on the floor. If you used to share a bed, he's clearly uncomfortable sleeping in the same bed as you. He might even fear you or think he doesn't deserve that place. I still feel like he needs help, talking to someone and sharing his life. He IS stuck. I think you've tried to help for too long. He needs to help himself from now onwards and seek the help he needs or recover away from someone else's house, someone else's rules, someone else's vacations and planters.

 

You're a very loving and caring person who ended up extending your life and home for someone in need. Let it be at that. You should try to find peace - that you cannot fix everyone all on your own and it does go both ways. I think both of you staying together won't make things any better. He doesn't seem to respond to your requests and he's shut down in a lot of ways. I'd encourage this person to seek help and move on. Do what you can to help rehome the dog. It's a very old dog so changes might be upsetting. I think you've taken care of the dog so well but it's time to now take care of you, come back to a peaceful home (restore the peace in your home), love your home, your mats, enjoy your vacations and be at peace once and for all. Let this relationship go and wish him the best.

[boltnrun]

It's so much easier for him to spend time with the dog. Dogs want a few simple things and are affectionate all the time. Humans are much more complex; they (rightfully) expect reciprocity in a relationship, not just a nail trim and some scratches under the chin.

 

I think he's hiding behind the dog. And that means he is in no way in any condition to be in a relationship.

 

It's kind of like the parent who is able to be loving and affectionate toward their child but is cold and dismissive of their spouse. It's just so much easier.

[Anonymous903]

Dogs are some of God's greatest creatures but there's a very strong attachment to the dog that's eclipsed care for the relationship and even care for himself. He isn't sleeping in a bed but sleeping on a mat on the floor. If you used to share a bed, he's clearly uncomfortable sleeping in the same bed as you. He might even fear you or think he doesn't deserve that place. I still feel like he needs help, talking to someone and sharing his life. He IS stuck. I think you've tried to help for too long. He needs to help himself from now onwards and seek the help he needs or recover away from someone else's house, someone else's rules, someone else's vacations and planters.

 

 

I apologize if I wasn't clear...he isn't sleeping on the floor all night with the dog. After dinner he grabs the yoga mat and lies on the floor with the dog on his ipad with the TV on and usually he falls asleep there by 9:30 or 10. He gets up to go to the actual bed when I go to sleep, around 11:30 or so. We do still sleep in the same bed and always have. I just think if given the choice, he would prefer to actually sleep on the floor with the dog.

[katrina1980]

Anonymous I can see you're getting a bit wound up with some responses, so allow me to give you some practical advice.

 

Stop wasting all this energy continuing to defend yourself.

 

If some folks don't get it, so be it!

 

Do you really care? You don't need anyone's approval especially on a message forum.

 

I do get it though, I used to be the same. Getting all wound up when some folks would criticize my actions or opinions.

 

But learning now, through therapy and other means, it just does not matter.

 

Speak your truth once and be done with it.

 

Trust yourself to make the right decisions and choices best for you!

[SherrySher]

You really hate and resent that dog.

[IAmFCA]

I'm 43, he's 48 and 10 years out from a nasty divorce. We met at work as co-workers 12 years ago and were strictly friends with many mutual work friends. We always stayed in touch over the years, as we did with all of the work buddies from that time, and when we ended up in the same town four and a half years ago, we started hanging out (movie, dinner, shooting range etc). One thing led to another and we started dating. That began in January 2015. He moved in with me at my house in October 2015, and arranged to have his dog brought in from out of state who was staying with his brother (he has a job that involves lots of travel and could not bring the dog when he started the new job down here because the place he was staying wouldn't allow it and he know no one to take care of the dog while he was traveling.

 

Things were great for a few years. We never fought, we got along fine, he helped out without me asking (I have a back injury that required a career change and I'm limited in what chores I can do without hurting myself further). With his schedule, we rarely have any time to go do things as a couple, and when we did do something, I always ended up paying, or we'd split the check.

 

His dog got cancer in 2016 and that was a stressful time involving surgeries and lots of bills. I was supportive, gave the dog his meds, cooked chicken, rice, carrots and beef when he wouldn't eat anything else, and walked him in the pouring rain at 5AM before work (it always seems to rain in the mornings here). His dog is the true love of his life I realized, and he always greeted the dog first, hugged the dog first, tended to the dog first, and his days off always consisted of grooming the dog, brushing his teeth, clipping his nails, shaving him, taking him to the park every day, and feeding 3 times a day with all kinds of meds and supplements.

 

I cook dinner every night, since my mother taught me how, and I often make roast chicken, beef, lasagna, pizza, stir fry or grill out. While I do this, he is playing video games or watching cartoons, which he will often have on for 12 hours a day. I work from home several days a week, and have seen the all-day video game playing on the ipad with the cartoons on (remember...he's 48). After dinner he usually lies on one of my yoga mats and falls asleep with his dog by 9:30PM.

 

Now for the other side of the story.

 

I have a very stressful, high responsibility job. My chronic pain from the back injury often makes me depressed. I take no pain meds at all but at the end of the day, I gotta have some Corona with a lime or Rolling Rock or something to get my mind off everything. I do art as a hobby along with writing and my book has consumed a lot of my energy in the past year. When he gets home from trips he's often understandably tired. I have a nice dinner waiting and when he collapses on the floor with the dog afterward, I just work on my book.

 

Every year my family has a vacation on a little island and my brother and his family, and cousins and their families usually come. We block a whole corner of a resort hotel with rooms and I pay for it. There is no obligation to hang out with family all day or anything, and usually couples will go do things throughout the day and then meet up for dinner and card games afterward. The first year, he had to work and would not take vacation, so was only able to come for two days. The second year he had to go to a funeral, and managed to make it for the last day. The third year he again had a trip the whole week (this vacation is always booked 6 months out and the dates are known) and I threw a fit because I'd pre-paid again ($1700) and he dragged his feet but came...and spend the whole time watching cartoons by himself. This year he came....and LEFT two days in because something came up at work, and they KNEW he was on a prepaid vacation!!

 

The last issue:

 

He walks his dog and comes back and puts the crap bags in my planters instead of the dog poop bins throughout the community, or the garbage can 10 feet away. Last time he was out of town, I found 3 stinking poop bags in the planters by the garage. I put them on the ground by his second vehicle, in the driveway, as a hint (I have told him before...STOP putting dog poop bags in my bushes and plants). Today....I'm weeding the flowers out front and find....the SAME THREE BAGS from a week ago. Apparently he just threw them in the flowers and went about his day.

 

I've absolutely had it. Burping and farting all day long, the dog poop, all his junk and models in the front room of my house. He is 48 with no savings, tons of college debt he's never paid so they take it out of his account, he claims he has no money yet buys a fancy truck, and he'll drive 4 hours with his dog to see a specific vet who moved and used to be down the street.

 

Am I crazy in thinking I'm somewhere on the priority list behind the dog, the job, the truck and the cartoons?

 

Yes, I have discussed all of this with him. I said I feel like a source of cheap rent (he pays 1/3 of what this place costs to run a month) and free dog sitting. He really didn't have much of a response. I told him he needed to talk to his boss about being called back from a pre-approved, pre-paid vacation AGAIN and he never did. It's been over a month so the moment has passed on that.

 

I'm ready to kick him out. He has never once hinted at marriage, and honestly at this point I don't want it. That ship sailed. When guys want something (truck, rifle, etc) they go get it. When they want to do something (spend a weekend traveling with the dog to the vet, going to lunch all day with friends etc) they go do it. My feeling is if they don't say something or do something, it means they don't WANT it.

 

I just feel used and taken advantage of. I have not discussed todays dog poop discovery Part II, because he is again on a trip, returning Sunday. I am considering telling him to find a new place because I have tried to discuss how I feel with him...and recently too, and it doesn't seem to be registering.

 

I'd appreciate your thoughts. This person used to be a friend before the relationship, but I never realized he was so lazy, complacent, disrespectful and unable to get anything together in his life financially or professionally. Thanks for reading...

 

First: You are unhappy, your needs are not getting met, and it is your responsibility to see to your own health, growth, and happiness. So: this is over, get him out, get some sustainable therapy - not because you need fixing but because it is helpful and the act will express to yourself that your needs are important.

 

Second :He is deeply avoidant. You also may be avoidant.

 

Third: Whatever he is, doesn't matter. You don't need to be right or to be validated. A relationship requires teamwork, and that seems entirely absent here.

 

Take the risk of putting yourself first. Its the only way forward.

[Billie28]

Apologies if my comments sound scathing , I’m simply trying to figure out what exactly went wrong? And what you actually want to do from here?

 

When I mention the dog poop bag and the yoga mat , you become it seems annoyed as they are apparently just a few examples. Yet in one of your posts you said you were going to mention them in your “break up” talk with him.

 

My point being why???

Do you actually want to break up with him or are you trying to use the break up talk with him in order for him to give you the results you want / have tried to get for months now?

 

I get the frustration on your part but sometimes in relationships we need to look at the big picture and let the little things slide.

 

What are you going to do?

[Anonymous903]

You really hate and resent that dog.

 

No, I do not. If anything he makes me sad because I will never be able to compete with him for my SO's attention or affection, and that's fine. This week my boyfriend was gone 5 out of 7 days and I walked the dog twice a day, fed him three times a day, gave him all his medications supplements and treats and made sure he has a full bowl of distilled water with ice in it, like his Dad requests. The thing is, he's a good dog. Very smart and though old, can absolutely learn new things and has. It's just my boyfriend addresses him as his "son" and "my everything" and I don't care who you are, that gets a bit discouraging. No, I don't resent the dog. It's not his fault his owner is co-dependent with an unhealthy attachment. I've done everything I could to help the dog, including racing him to the vet several times in the aftermath of the cancer and the kidney disease, and pancreatitis, which occurred while my boyfriend was out of town.

[boltnrun]

The dog is not the issue.

[SherrySher]

I'm not saying it's the whole issue, obviously, but I read 'dog' many many times.

 

It just kinda stuck in my brain.

[SherrySher]

You want my actual opinion?

 

He's lazy, he's immature, he's disrespectful with the poo bags and doesn't give a crap (pun not intended).

 

You are searching and hoping for a sign that he's going to become a better man, but I can't see it happening.

 

I think any woman in her right mind would toss him to the curb and not look back, he sounds like a nightmare.

[Anonymous903]

Apologies if my comments sound scathing , I’m simply trying to figure out what exactly went wrong? And what you actually want to do from here?

 

When I mention the dog poop bag and the yoga mat , you become it seems annoyed as they are apparently just a few examples. Yet in one of your posts you said you were going to mention them in your “break up” talk with him.

 

My point being why???

Do you actually want to break up with him or are you trying to use the break up talk with him in order for him to give you the results you want / have tried to get for months now?

 

I get the frustration on your part but sometimes in relationships we need to look at the big picture and let the little things slide.

 

What are you going to do?

 

Billie:

 

Thanks for understanding, and I know stuff written on a forum can come off differently than intended by the writer when read by someone else. If I was going to actually have a breakup conversation, no, I would not bring up the yoga mat and the dog poop because those issues were already brought up in civil conversation several times in the past. Those are not major reasons for the decline of the relationship, but they are supporting issues. Also: for context, I just found those two week old bags of dog crap that were first in my planters, and then thrown in my flowers literally yesterday. I came on here and created another account just for this because I have no one else to discuss it with. My friends are his mutual friends, and my 75+ year old parents I don't want to bother with details of my life like this. My brother has his own family and is busy and honestly there's no one else short of a therapist to ask, and it would take 5 sessions just to explain the last 5 years of stuff anyway.

 

I'm not the kind of person to use break up talk as a tool to get results. If it gets to that point, I mean it, and there is no going back. That is another reason why I hesitate. I know that if I say it...pack your stuff and go, I will stick to it. I've made mistakes before (with my previous 4 year relationship with the ex) being persuaded to give another chance and that never worked.

 

Part of the hesitation also is because before all this, and for many years we were friends, and I was like "one of the guys" at the job we all did. I had a silent crush on him way back but he was married and we worked together so any kind of relationship was an impossibility. I wish I'd just remained friends with him and not gone further. Despite the problems we're having, we still have our moments where we revert back to the "buddies" we used to be, but maybe that's how it should have stayed. I mean...I get the fraternity deal when you are one girl working in a male-dominated profession, but he's gotten comfortable to the point where my house is like his locker room, and he farts and burps like he's with the guys, andI find it hard to be attracted to that since he wasn't like that in the beginning. Add to that all of the previously mentioned issues that have arisen and what it adds up to is a person I didn't know he was in the beginning, or even two years in. It's like in the last two years he just let himself go. Got comfortable, gained weight, stopped exercising, let himself go grey, and lost all interest in me. He has never once asked me out to dinner in the past 4 years. He did in the first year, but once again, we always split the check. He has never suggested a date night either.

 

Now you ask, well why don't I? Because I did. I sad let's go to this movie or that, lets go to the Ale House, or our favorite restaurant and we did...and I paid my way or ended up paying both so it didn't feel much like a date at all. So I stopped suggesting things and when I brought it up he said that "I never want to do anything." See how this goes? I did once want to go out and do things, but I'm sick of being the Producer, Director, Writer and Cast of whole show while he's just the audience. I pull the wagon and own the wagon and the horses, he rides in the wagon and rests. That's what I'm trying to describe.

 

I think when he gets home from this latest 5 day trip I need to just say that I think it's time that he gets his own place, closer to work where the commute will be less, and I think he will be happier just him and his dog. The rest has already been said again and again without results. He seems to think everything is just fine I guess, though we haven't been intimate since last October. Why? Lots of reasons. He was sick, I was sick the dog got sick, my back pain, then I just stopped feeling attractive and he made no effort to help me feel otherwise.

 

Before vacation which was ruined, I had that one conversation with him where I said, "Do you know why we haven't had sex for 6 months?" He was like "No, I don't" OK so I told him. I don't feel good. I don't feel very attractive and it's hard to want that when you feel that way. (Side note: He has never initiated sex unless you count him saying "Hey you wanna get naked?") So I explained I don't feel very good, physically, or emotionally , and as a result I don't feel attractive. In the beginning he used to buy me lingerie and whatever but all that ended long ago. So yeah, just not feeling anything and clearly he hasn't wanted it in the past 6 months, especially knowing I felt unattractive and sad. Most guys would have done SOMETHING....flowers? something? after hearing that obvious call-to-action. He did nothing, so nothing happened in return.

 

I'm just sad on many levels. Losing a friend, and a relationship, and likely many mutual friends who will rally on his side when he says what a "crazy b*tch" I am or something. I know how he spoke of his ex wife and I'm sure he'll say the same about me.

 

Even if he comes home and makes a herculean effort to try, that doesn't erase or explain the fact that he's strung me along for 5 years, and had me hoping he'd want to marry me, but never said anything one way or the other, until I had to deduce he doesn't want to, or he would have asked already. It's OK, I'm over it, and I don't want to be married anymore to him or anyone else. But I don't want a freeloading squatter who's 48 and using me for storage, cheap rent and dog sitting either.

[Anonymous903]

You want my actual opinion?

 

He's lazy, he's immature, he's disrespectful with the poo bags and doesn't give a crap (pun not intended).

 

You are searching and hoping for a sign that he's going to become a better man, but I can't see it happening.

 

I think any woman in her right mind would toss him to the curb and not look back, he sounds like a nightmare.

 

After thinking about the poo-bags (which I again left by his car, but then cleaned up today and threw them out because they STINK) I realized: He thinks his dog's poop literally and figuratively doesn't stink. He's elevated his dog to the level of being his "son" as he says, and to me, as a pet owner who currently has cats but who has lived with dogs before, it's just over the top adoration of an animal. Now, also I don't refer to him normally as "the dog" but I didn't think to make up a name for him on her in the beginning. I should have said "Max" or something but anyway it is what it is.

[SherrySher]

He's rude.

 

He tosses poop into your things...really hear that sentence.

 

That's not a guy who loves you or is being respectful towards you and your feelings.

[Anonymous903]

He's rude.

 

He tosses poop into your things...really hear that sentence.

 

That's not a guy who loves you or is being respectful towards you and your feelings.

 

Yeah...that's how I felt. I took the bags out of the planter a week ago and put them on the ground by the driver's side of his truck as a hint to please put these away because it's gross...and his response was to angrily throw them into my flower bushes, which he knows I prune, and take care of all the time (they are 6' tall, 15' wide penta flower, not a bush, and it's gorgeous BTW). But yeah, I felt like it was a blatent FU and disrespect of my yard, my property and my health since let's face it--dog poop, EVEN HIS dog's poop, is still gross and can make you sick and if you think those free poop bags aren't porous, you're wrong. They aren't biohazard bags, they leak and stink. I took the high road....again, and after leaving them out there by the truck again, I threw them away today. It's one thing to clean up after a slob, but another when they are vindictive and throw the bags in your flowers then go about the day like nothing happened at all when they talk to you.

[SherrySher]

You deserve a better man than him.

[Anonymous903]

You deserve a better man than him.

 

I know...but at 43 and after spending 32-36 with what turned out to be a (diagnosed and he didn't tell me until several years in) narcissist and borderline personality disorder type with prescription drug issues, now I've spent 38-43 with a man-baby, albeit sober. I give up. i really do. I'm not cut out for this relationship crap. :(

[catfeeder]

I give up. i really do. I'm not cut out for this relationship crap. :(

 

Or, you're just not cut out for crappy relationships. So what do you WANT to do about this?

[Billie28]

I know...but at 43 and after spending 32-36 with what turned out to be a (diagnosed and he didn't tell me until several years in) narcissist and borderline personality disorder type with prescription drug issues, now I've spent 38-43 with a man-baby, albeit sober. I give up. i really do. I'm not cut out for this relationship crap. :(

 

I don’t think it’s that you aren’t cut out for this relationship “crap” .

I think you’ve had crap relationships that no one is cut out for.

 

You sound like a very giving person but perhaps gave too much at the beginning of relationships that got taken advantage of?

 

For example allowing him to move in for dirt cheap when it was up to him to manage his finances etc

Would he have moved in and paid the 650 he was accustomed to paying with the bonus that he has a place for his dog , dog sitter and home cooked meals? Maybe / maybe not?

 

When looking for a committed guy , it needs to start off on an even foot with both give and take.

 

This relationship does sound over but try learn from it and maintain your independence next time until you and the next guy both want to commit and not just out of convenience.

 

Best of luck and let us know how the talk goes?

[catfeeder]

I don’t think it’s that you aren’t cut out for this relationship “crap” .

I think you’ve had crap relationships that no one is cut out for.

 

You sound like a very giving person but perhaps gave too much at the beginning of relationships that got taken advantage of?

 

Yep. Maybe not taken 'advantage of' in the sense that the guy was out to scam you, but rather, taken for granted, because the message you've sent is, "I don't value myself enough to hold out for equality with the RIGHT partner, so here--move in cheap, and I'll parent you, instead."

 

Parenting is the most unsexy and unsatisfactory thing you can do in an adult relationship. Why would it surprise you that someone who's been treated like an adolescent reverts to acting like one? And what do adolescents eventually do? They rebel. (That's what the poop is about.)

 

You can't nag an adolescent into adopting the attitude you wish, but you can stop the catering. If you don't want to live with the consequences of that, you're not obligated to do so. You don't even need to end the relationship if you still want to date the guy, you can simply tell him that living together no longer works for you, and you'd like him to find his own place by X date.

 

Meanwhile, stop offering your services and let the chips fall: he can cook his own meals, awaken to your unyielding insistence that he walk his own dog, and anything he leaves lying around the house will end up in a box in his closet. If he complains, you can kindly say, "I'm just making it easier for you to transition to living on your own."

[SherrySher]

You are a very caring person and with that type of women, it can become unbalanced with men who are immature and don't know how to treat a women properly.

 

It starts to become a mom/bad child scenario. You try to 'save' these men, love them up so they will heal or become better men, try to repair their bad behaviors.

In turn, these men take advantage, behave badly knowing you'll forgive them, that you will make it better and they can lay back and wait till you fix it all.

 

At some point, you need to put your foot down and stop this dynamic from happening.

 

Try to date a man who has it much more together than the last two men you've dated. A man who takes care of YOU and can take care of himself.

A man who cooks for YOU now and then.

You will be much happier and it won't become like it has been the last two times.

 

If you start to notice behaviors early on in the relationship that points once again to a man behaving badly or being a man-child. Don't go back to your old behaviors of trying to fix it and forgive and coddle him.

Tell yourself you deserve better, and dump his azz.

 

You know what you want, you know what kind of man you want. Now it's up to you to allow that for yourself and to find better.

 

I want to go throw those gross poop bags under this guys car seats on a very hot day! Nasty azz jerk.

[Anonymous903]

You are a very caring person and with that type of women, it can become unbalanced with men who are immature and don't know how to treat a women properly.

 

It starts to become a mom/bad child scenario. You try to 'save' these men, love them up so they will heal or become better men, try to repair their bad behaviors.

In turn, these men take advantage, behave badly knowing you'll forgive them, that you will make it better and they can lay back and wait till you fix it all.

 

At some point, you need to put your foot down and stop this dynamic from happening.

 

Try to date a man who has it much more together than the last two men you've dated. A man who takes care of YOU and can take care of himself.

A man who cooks for YOU now and then.

You will be much happier and it won't become like it has been the last two times.

 

If you start to notice behaviors early on in the relationship that points once again to a man behaving badly or being a man-child. Don't go back to your old behaviors of trying to fix it and forgive and coddle him.

Tell yourself you deserve better, and dump his azz.

 

You know what you want, you know what kind of man you want. Now it's up to you to allow that for yourself and to find better.

 

I want to go throw those gross poop bags under this guys car seats on a very hot day! Nasty azz jerk.

 

Sherry, catfeeder, Billie....you guys all hit the nail on the head. Part of the issue (as with my ex) was I provided too easy of an environment early on for them to get a foothold. In the case of the ex, he turned out to be a clinically diagnosed narcissist (which I didn't know at the time, his mother provided me with the records) and the present man is just immature and seems to live literally in the moment, only thinking about himself and his best dog friend, and never giving a thought to the people in the environment around him. I guess I was raised to be a hospitable person, and I just can't be that way initially when it comes to relationships. Both guys came from broken families and I was happy to share mine with them since I was lucky enough to come from one where my parents are not divorced, and we have peace for the most part in our extended families.

 

I'll let you know what happens...He's due in at 2AM and I have to get up at 5 for work. I have earplugs ready for the barking, but hope they don't drown out my alarm. I'll have to chat with him sometime this week when I'm up to it. At the moment I managed to *injure myself while sleeping* and can't turn my head to the left or down at all with some mystery pain at the base of my skull. Excellent start to this epic week indeed!