Jump to content

Having MAJOR doubts about person I'm dating


Recommended Posts

This will be incredibly long, I will try and shorten it.

 

I have been talking to someone whom I met a month ago - we met online, and have had three dates so far - two of those we were intimate. At first things seemed to be going really, really well, but then I've had some instances that I want other opinions about.

 

1.) He loved bombed me. The first 4 days and the first two dates were nothing but being told over and over how amazing I was, how we likely had a future together, ect.) This was three weeks ago, since than, he's seen me twice. Last time was 2 weeks ago.

My thoughts: It seems strange to me that someone who creates this fantasy world for the first 5 days and saying things like "I'm practically going through withdraws without you!" - yet goes without seeing me for two weeks???

 

2.) We text all day - but again, not seeing me for two weeks, and then cancelling on me? (This has only happened one time) Also saying "Maybe we can see each other this weekend?"

 

Is it normal to see each other this little? EVERY other boyfriend/Date I've had has been the "I want to see you all the time!" type.

 

3.) Facebook: He doesn't necessarily NOT want me to see his Facebook, but he said would prefer we not see each others? (Who the hell hides their Facebook?)

 

4.) Won't introduce me to his roommates? He lives in a house with 2 other guys.

 

5.) He immediately deleted his online profile after our first two dates. I took this as a good sign....

 

6.) We agreed to go 'exclusive',

 

7.) Finally, I JUST can't shake this feeling that there is something up. I can't put my finger on it.I admit I have previously dated clingy men, so maybe I am feeling this way based on my previous experiences and what he is actually going is more normal, I can't tell.

 

Logically I keep telling myself that its only been a month! No need to be freaking out! It's mostly the fact that he not only hasn't seen me in 2 weeks, just cancelled on me - and on several occasions we've both had the evening off from work and are sitting at home texting each other? His actions seem to speak louder than words. He tells me he can't wait to see me all the time, but than won't see me???

 

Am I crazy?

Link to post
Share on other sites

He sounds like a player, talking about a future together after 2 dates? Why didn’t you see him in two weeks? The fact he hides his facebook profile is fishy. I’m sorry it’s just a red flag for me if a man is too eager on the first date.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Actually it's not strange at all -- it's obvious guy is heavy into fantasy and once reality hit (after sex most likely) it was a whole different ball game.

 

I also echo what jagger asked, guy has done a complete 180, doesn't seem like he even wants to date you anymore let alone develop a relationship, why do you continue engaging and texting him every day?

 

Stop doing that NOW. :D

 

Also, next time a guy bombards with you bullshyt such as how "amazing" you are and he's "going through withdraws not seeing you" and envisions a future with you after only FOUR days and two dates ::eyeroll::, you run like hell.

 

I am majorly turned off when guys have done that to me, like majorly, so it's quite easy to run. In fact I've been known to get up and leave the table when guys pull that crap on me on first couple of dates. It's total bullshyt!

 

I am wondering what you found so appealing about it?

 

It's freakin psycho if you ask me, guy is not quite right in the head.

Edited by katrina1980
Link to post
Share on other sites

Just reading your post, I am thinking it's possible he's dating or chatting to more than just you and that's why there are all these weird/shady behaviors.

 

You've only known him a month, don't be so quick to trust and believe everything he's telling you.

 

Step back, cool your emotions back down. Try to actually get to know who you're actually involved with and if he's even genuine.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I would say that 1-6 is the answer to number 7. The thing that feels "off" is that you two tried to built a home with toothpicks. The breeze of reality has picked up a bit, and suddenly the home doesn't feel like much of a home. Because it wasn't. Toothpicks are toothpicks. Takes a sneeze to knock them over.

 

You've met three times. Neither of you know the other person—at all. And yet you are in an exclusive relationship? You have a boyfriend that you barely know better than you know me! No wonder you're confused!

 

If someone I didn't know told me they saw a future with me, I would be pretty freaked out. Ditto if they were going through withdrawal. That's just me, of course. But it might be worth asking why you found all that to be such a turn on rather than a turn off. "Clingy" is generally not a positive quality, but it seems to be what you look for in a guy to feel good and secure.

 

Anyhow, I'd just do what I'm not sure either of you are quite capable of doing: dial it back. Sounds like you both really got off on the drug stuff, but in different ways. For you, perhaps, that "high" was the beginning of something; for him that high was the something. Or at least that's what his present behavior is point toward...

 

Is there a good chance here that, now that he's had sex, he isn't so interested? For sure. That's allowed, no different than he could be losing interest after three dates that didn't involve sex. Point being, having sex with a stranger does not turn a stranger into a forever partner, or even a boyfriend or a girlfriend. It turns them into a stranger you've had sex with. Always important to remember that, and know your threshold when it comes to that.

 

If you'd like to see him a 4th time see if he asks to hang out a 4th time. Keep the texts focused on that. Otherwise you're just texting with a stranger you had sex with and feeling strange as things get stranger.

Link to post
Share on other sites

This train has already left the station - but just something to think about - this is generally why I won’t usually sleep with someone right away. It’s not a “game to keep him interested” thing or a prude thing (I like sex too!)... it’s just that the beginnings of a relationship are always quite tumultuous full of “why did he do this?” and “what happened there?” while you get to know each other - sex just always seems to add another layer of insecurity and a feeling of investment and intensified emotions.

 

The truth is, you don’t know this guy.

 

Since he has cancelled a date, i think you should just hang back a little. Don’t initiate as many texts. Let him initiate the next date. Make sure the next date is doing things to continue to get to know each other and that it’s not about sex.

 

One way or another he’ll probably be in touch and ask for another date. My guess is he’s trying to slow things down a bit.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You shouldn't "shake the feeling that something is up" because something IS up. This guy used you for sex, attention, etc. and is now slow fading from your life while keeping you around as a temporary backup option.

 

The best answers are often the most simple. Our egos often protect us from those answers. I get that you like him, but it's time to cut this off.

Link to post
Share on other sites
We text all day - but again, not seeing me for two weeks,
Why do you answer him? He's simply keeping you on the hook with these mean-nothing text convos so that you'll welcome him back for more sex when he's finished (most likely) schmoozing the girl in the next profile down.

 

Ghost his azz.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think he was looking to get laid and you obliged. i suspect he's got at least one other girl in his life that he's dating/talking to/f*cking. This is not how relationships work that are healthy. You are right to think there's something wrong. Move on from this flake.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree: it sounds a bit off. I'm not sure the reasons though. If he didn't volunteer why he cancelled, perhaps you should have asked if only to clear your mind and hear it straight from him. The facebook and roommate issues could be due to deep insecurity which are worse red flags than him casually seeing other people, to be honest with you. Maybe he is embarrassed about his living situation. I used to live with roommates when I was much younger and the situation wasn't that great. Overall I think his approach is a little unpolished and inexperienced (re. half-heartedly asking you out on a date for the weekend). To me he's harmless but also pointless in terms of the dating scene.

 

Try meeting new people and go from there. Don't stay hung up on this.

Link to post
Share on other sites

He's over doing it with his gushing over you so soon.

 

Texting all day is excessive. Beware because it's easy to get sick 'n tired of each other due to too much electronic communication. Ease up and back off.

 

If he canceled on you just once, give him a free pass. If he's willing to make up for it by seeing you this weekend, see him. If he cancels on you twice, then this is a problem. Have a talk with him and see how you feel about how you wish to proceed further regarding habitual cancellations.

 

Some couples don't see each other a lot. It depends on schedules, work, school, geographical location, inconvenience and hassle to travel, etc. If you're local, normally couples prefer to see each other as often as time permits.

 

Not seeing each others FB is weird.

 

You've only been dating for a month. Give it a few more weeks and see if he's willing to introduce you to his roommates then. If not, this is a curious problem. Ask him what his excuse is. Proceed from there.

 

Give him another month and see how you feel. If you don't like his personality and if his character are red flags to you, then break it off and discontinue dating him.

 

No, you're not crazy. Be with a normal guy. Abnormal guys will fizzle out of your life.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Something I learned the hard way - if normally you feel secure in relationship, feeling paranoid, anxious with a particular person should enough of a reason for you to walk away, you don't need a proof of something actually going on to justify letting go of someone, that gut feeling is enough. Since then I broke up 2 of my several friendships just because something felt off and I felt distrustful, I didn't feel around them like I feel with other friends and I felt I don't need any other excuse. My mental wellbeing will always be the most important thing - you don't know how precious it is until someone shakes it.

 

Someone who uses lovebombing and sees a future together after 4 days of knowing each other seems like someone a) emotionally unstable and b) not particularly picky, but someone who instantly idealizes everyone that turns up as "the one". I don't like hanging out with emotionally unstable people because their word can't be trusted. Their words don't mean that much, they're not followed with actions. One day they say I love you like I haven't loved anyone before, then breakup with you without thinking it through, then apologize for it just hours later, after you've cried for hours, and say they still want the same thing and cancel all their said. I don't hate them for it, but it's just very exhausting. I know I'm reliable, not to quick with words and I can usually deliver my words into actions, so I don't want any less from my partner because I deserve equal respect.

 

Lovebombing, writing they need you and then not needing to see you more than twice a month without explanations means they're really weird, they don't understand their own feelings and/or have a completely view different on a relationship (could be a really immature attitude to relationships). He might have some emotional issues as well, since lovebombing is associated with players and narcissist. If you had more reliable boyfriends in the past, ask yourself if there's something about this guy who makes him worth sticking to such a weird behavior or if you see him only because you don't have any other prospects at the moment. If it's the latter, if you make space in your life for a new boyfriend, you will start getting other prospects.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...