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If a guy backs off to figure things out BEFORE dating??


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Hi. I'm wondering if someone could provide their input on a situation i was in.

This guy I've known through friends for some time expressed interest in me, he pursued me, flirted, and we spoke pretty much daily via text or in person for about 2 or 3 months. He seemed really interested in me and it was clear he wasnt talking to~ any other girl at the time except me. He even asked me out at one point, and we'd arranged that date, but then something else unrelated to both of us happened so that didnt end up happening at that time, but we still continued to chat/flirt like usual, and things seemed really great, actually.

 

Then suddenly he withdrew and stopped replying to my texts, and I mean suddenly. When I asked he'd say he was busy and didnt mean to. We spoke a bit. Then he withdrew again.

At which point I brought it up more seriously to him, and he actually asked me if I wanted to talk about it in a little more detail. We talked a bit and he told me that I didnt do anything, and that he was trying to go as slow as he could because hes trying to figure out things and where he wants this to go...and we agreed that some space was best right now.

 

Now I wasn't clingy at all, in fact I was probably the more distant one. I dont think hes a jerk so I dont think hes lying to me about the figuring things out line.... but I dont know. Can someone enlighten me as to why someone would pull away like this when things seem good? What is there to "figure out" ?? I've not heard of that happening BEFORE you start dating someone lol. I'm confused...

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Next.

 

Seriously. Don't bother waiting around for someone who keeps retreating. Whatever the reason, it won't be worth it for you.

 

In my experience, though? This often means there is another person on the scene who's got their attention.

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He just isn’t that interested and you were his one option until now.

Don’t take that personally. You just aren’t his type.

 

He sort of likes you but now he has other options he is investigating a more genuine interest in another but keeping you as a back up.

 

Don’t be that back up.

 

Just fade away.

 

If someone is keen on you they won’t chat for 2-3 months, they will try to meet in 2-3 weeks. If no meet after a month. Stop being their chat buddy ego booster so they gain confidence to chat up another? Where does / did that leave you?

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It’s a waste of time, I’d let this go, whenever I hear a guy is trying to figure out things. Some men just flirt for fun, they need an ego boost, don’t be his entertainment. Good luck!

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Hi. I'm wondering if someone could provide their input on a situation i was in.

This guy I've known through friends for some time expressed interest in me, he pursued me, flirted, and we spoke pretty much daily via text or in person for about 2 or 3 months. He seemed really interested in me and it was clear he wasnt talking to~ any other girl at the time except me. He even asked me out at one point, and we'd arranged that date, but then something else unrelated to both of us happened so that didnt end up happening at that time, but we still continued to chat/flirt like usual, and things seemed really great, actually.

 

Then suddenly he withdrew and stopped replying to my texts, and I mean suddenly. When I asked he'd say he was busy and didnt mean to. We spoke a bit. Then he withdrew again.

At which point I brought it up more seriously to him, and he actually asked me if I wanted to talk about it in a little more detail. We talked a bit and he told me that I didnt do anything, and that he was trying to go as slow as he could because hes trying to figure out things and where he wants this to go...and we agreed that some space was best right now.

 

Now I wasn't clingy at all, in fact I was probably the more distant one. I dont think hes a jerk so I dont think hes lying to me about the figuring things out line.... but I dont know. Can someone enlighten me as to why someone would pull away like this when things seem good? What is there to "figure out" ?? I've not heard of that happening BEFORE you start dating someone lol. I'm confused...

 

blah blah need space, blah blah finding myself, blah blah.....

 

When a man wants you, there will be none of this BS.

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Well, you both did the same thing here: you had a phone relationship—the sort of thing that didn't exist before texting. You both got invested in a fantasy. He "freaked out" and "needed space" when the fantasy/relationship became "too much."

 

Flirting, connecting, and so on over text—and text only, with a human you don't know and have never seen—is basically the shadow puppet version of romance. Feels kind of real until something like this happens and—poof—it's all a little show that entertained you both.

 

I'd take this as cue to limit the texting stuff, and just focus on making plans. It shouldn't be a big deal or a sign that someone "even asked me out at one point," since that is the only point. Square one. Point of entry. If that isn't happening quick, or the only real focus, then something is amiss. You're just playing with pixels at the expense of your valuable time.

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Agree so much with all the others. Ask yourself why you stuck around this long and tolerated the back and forth/hot/cold -do you really want to date him or were you more enjoying the thrill of the "chase"?

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He just isn’t that interested and you were his one option until now.

Don’t take that personally. You just aren’t his type.

 

He sort of likes you but now he has other options he is investigating a more genuine interest in another but keeping you as a back up.

 

Don’t be that back up.

 

Just fade away.

 

If someone is keen on you they won’t chat for 2-3 months, they will try to meet in 2-3 weeks. If no meet after a month. Stop being their chat buddy ego booster so they gain confidence to chat up another? Where does / did that leave you?

 

 

Thank you. I agree yeah, thing is we did see each other in person during that time, often, he arranged his breaks at work to match mine and everything, before he back off. Now we dont see each other or speak much but if I do see him, he's still a little nervous around me like he used to be from the start, which I found cute always, and is always standing super close to me etc. So I dont understand it.

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It's not complicated. He doesn't want to date you. A man who wants to date you especially in this case would ask you out on a date and show up for the date. He does enjoy chatting with you and flirting with you and being friends.

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It's not complicated. He doesn't want to date you. A man who wants to date you especially in this case would ask you out on a date and show up for the date. He does enjoy chatting with you and flirting with you and being friends.

 

All of this.

 

He may have been rather interested at one point, OP, but he isn't anymore. I wouldn't stress about the reasons why, but I wouldn't consider him an option any longer either.

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Hi. I'm wondering if someone could provide their input on a situation i was in.

This guy I've known through friends for some time expressed interest in me, he pursued me, flirted, and we spoke pretty much daily via text or in person for about 2 or 3 months. He seemed really interested in me and it was clear he wasnt talking to~ any other girl at the time except me. He even asked me out at one point, and we'd arranged that date, but then something else unrelated to both of us happened so that didnt end up happening at that time, but we still continued to chat/flirt like usual, and things seemed really great, actually.

 

Then suddenly he withdrew and stopped replying to my texts, and I mean suddenly. When I asked he'd say he was busy and didnt mean to. We spoke a bit. Then he withdrew again.

At which point I brought it up more seriously to him, and he actually asked me if I wanted to talk about it in a little more detail. We talked a bit and he told me that I didnt do anything, and that he was trying to go as slow as he could because hes trying to figure out things and where he wants this to go...and we agreed that some space was best right now.

 

Now I wasn't clingy at all, in fact I was probably the more distant one. I dont think hes a jerk so I dont think hes lying to me about the figuring things out line.... but I dont know. Can someone enlighten me as to why someone would pull away like this when things seem good? What is there to "figure out" ?? I've not heard of that happening BEFORE you start dating someone lol. I'm confused...

 

I cannot prove it to you and you likely won't find any proof of it either but if you want to know what I really think, I suspect what he meant was he's figuring out where he wants things to go with you because he's got a better option he's checking out. You're Plan B. He will never tell you that because it goes against the Prologue in the Player's Handbook. He's just terrible at it.

 

I second the others and let this one go. I know your ego is bruised and it's probably a bit annoying but you can also learn from it and learn to find humour in it too. I think you'll be just fine. Time to meet new people.

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At which point I brought it up more seriously to him, and he actually asked me if I wanted to talk about it in a little more detail. We talked a bit and he told me that I didnt do anything, and that he was trying to go as slow as he could because hes trying to figure out things and where he wants this to go...and we agreed that some space was best right now.

 

 

I can only speculate lightorb, but the bolded comment is very telling, imo. Here's why.

 

It sounds very much like when he first began interacting with you, his intention was only to flirt and have fun with it, mostly via text and the occasional flirt in person, but nothing more than that. Kind of like a fun fantasy, that would never come to fruition.

 

However, as time went on, reality hit and he realized that he would be expected to keep his word about meeting with the intention of dating (he couldn't keep making excuses forever), and since that was never his intention in the first place (even though he talked a good game), he basically did your standard, every-day, run of the mill freak out and pulled back, withdrew.

 

To, as he said think about things and decide if he really does want to meet and transition your interaction from fantasy to reality.

 

Not at all uncommon when you meet in the virtual world.

 

Going back to the bolded, if it was because of another woman, I don't think he would have encouraged more discussion about it.

 

JMO on that though, typically in my experience when a man puts a woman "oh hold" because of another woman, they want to avoid further discussion not encourage further discussion the way he did.

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I can only speculate lightorb, but the bolded comment is very telling, imo. Here's why.

 

It sounds very much like when he first began interacting with you, his intention was only to flirt and have fun with it, mostly via text and the occasional flirt in person, but nothing more than that. Kind of like a fun fantasy, that would never come to fruition.

 

However, as time went on, reality hit and he realized that he would be expected to keep his word about meeting with the intention of dating (he couldn't keep making excuses forever), and since that was never his intention in the first place (even though he talked a good game), he basically did your standard, every-day, run of the mill freak out and pulled back, withdrew.

 

To, as he said think about things and decide if he really does want to meet and transition your interaction from fantasy to reality.

 

Not at all uncommon when you meet in the virtual world.

 

Going back to the bolded, if it was because of another woman, I don't think he would have encouraged more discussion about it.

 

JMO on that though, typically in my experience when a man puts a woman "oh hold" because of another woman, they want to avoid further discussion not encourage further discussion the way he did.

 

 

 

Thank you for your input, it makes sense for sure. We didnt meet online though, we met in person/work in the same building, before we began texting we talked in person occasionally, then he texted me and was very responsive for a few months before he dipped. Which left me confused.

 

I do think he thinks he shouldnt/doesnt have to respond all the time, since I'm not his gf, which makes sense but also why respond the last while before that then?? Was he waiting til he 'had me' to bounce??

 

I wouldnt care about him ghosting if he wasnt consistent before that. There was an unspoken expectation there and now hes acting like I'm asking too much when I bring up him ghosting. He told me he likes seeing me and talking to me but we arent on the same wavelength at the moment he feels like. I think in terms of expectation??

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I cannot prove it to you and you likely won't find any proof of it either but if you want to know what I really think, I suspect what he meant was he's figuring out where he wants things to go with you because he's got a better option he's checking out. You're Plan B. He will never tell you that because it goes against the Prologue in the Player's Handbook. He's just terrible at it.

 

I second the others and let this one go. I know your ego is bruised and it's probably a bit annoying but you can also learn from it and learn to find humour in it too. I think you'll be just fine. Time to meet new people.

 

 

Yeah I keep thinking about it. Before he ghosted, like the day/days before, he was really into me, consistent, initiated conversation when I let it die down, flirted heavily, etc. Then literally overnight, ghost. I dont know how someone loses interest overnight...and had he had another girl on the side before that, I feel I would've sensed it by his actions/effort in me, but he seemed really focused on me the whole time before that, like arranged his schedule to see me almost daily, always msgd me etc. He did all this for like 2 or 3 months straight. He's a pretty nice guy and has only been in serious relationships, I felt no reason to not trust him, I've dealt with jerks before he wasnt one...idk.

 

I'm wondering if he freaked out cause he was basically putting in effort like a bf without us actually dating and now hes like "woah, we're not together chill". But still, why now? He was talking something about space being good...I'm not even your gf what space do you need dude.

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He just isn’t that interested and you were his one option until now.

Don’t take that personally. You just aren’t his type.

 

He sort of likes you but now he has other options he is investigating a more genuine interest in another but keeping you as a back up.

 

Don’t be that back up.

 

Just fade away.

 

If someone is keen on you they won’t chat for 2-3 months, they will try to meet in 2-3 weeks. If no meet after a month. Stop being their chat buddy ego booster so they gain confidence to chat up another? Where does / did that leave you?

 

This ^^^^^

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Regardless of how you met, he never intended nor wanted anything more than a fun flirtation.

 

Nevermind what he told you, if he wanted to actually date you, he would have taken you out on a real live date, not made excuses and continued the fun flirtation and let it drag out for literally months!

 

Interested men without a lot of hang ups about dating and relationships do not behave that way, they just don't.

 

Now, after months of this game, it became too much, he took it too far, and suddenly, without warning, literally overnight, the reality of it hit and he does not want it!!

 

He never wanted it, it was just a fun game and he took it too far.

 

Don't try to analyze why -- another woman, social anxiety, fear of relationships/commitment, who cares?

 

He's in a totally different zone from you, a different mindset.

 

Try to let it go hun, seriously.

 

I'm sorry you were disappointed.

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He dosn't even have you on a hook, yet you continue to wrap yourself up in questions that don't need answering.

 

He's not figuring anything out, he's not sending you mixed signals, he's actually doing nothing. Do the same, forget him.

 

You clearly like him more than he likes you. Time to move on and get over him. Don't give him anymore of your self esteem.

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I do think he thinks he shouldnt/doesnt have to respond all the time, since I'm not his gf, which makes sense but also why respond the last while before that then?? Was he waiting til he 'had me' to bounce??

 

Naaah, I doubt it was that contrived. Messaging anyone for longer than a few days without setting an actual date is just fantasy building. It's a waste of time. If someone is interested, he'll show it by asking you out. If he has hang ups, then he's not even dating material, so why bother?

 

If a guy texts you, respond only long enough to indicate interest, and then either ask him out, or drop off and let him step up to invite you out, or otherwise linger in his own brain farts--those are useless to you.

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