Girlfriend Advice!! Help is appreciated

[JohnSimons1901]

I wouldnt say it was like this, as this is intense. We can all misunderstand each other but not all the time, sometimes you just need some banter and a laugh.

[SarahLancaster]

jj, what I sense from you is that you're very frustrated with your life right now...and a little big angry at the unfairness of her treatment of you. And the fact that you said you would be open to meeting someone new tells me that this relationship has probably run its course.

 

Don't worry so much about all your friends being in relationships. That's not a reason to stay with someone who makes you unhappy. Do what makes you happy and fulfilled. You don't have that now.

[Andrina]

She might suffer from depression. My ex husband suffered from it and displayed it by being overly defensive about things others wouldn't, and was angry a lot. Much of what you described about her sounds a lot like her.

 

I'd say to her, "I care about you and it's upsetting to see you so unhappy. Have you considered going for a psychiatric evaluation to see if you could benefit from antidepressants and counseling?"

 

If she accepts this and gets on meds, give it time to see if the meds and counseling work.

 

If she refuses to get help, I'd walk away, which I eventually did. Because people who refuse to help themselves can't expect an unhappy martyr to sacrifice his life so that she'll have a partner in life. You will also end up feeling smothered with being the sole center of her universe since she lacks friends or hobbies. Those types of people sometime use emotional manipulation like, "If you break up with me, I will commit suicide." Don't fall for it. Tell her you will call 911 and her parents.

[bluecastle]

I'd say to her, "I care about you and it's upsetting to see you so unhappy. Have you considered going for a psychiatric evaluation to see if you could benefit from antidepressants and counseling?"

 

At only 8 months in? That seems tricky, I have to say, especially since it sounds like this has been the dynamic from the beginning. She could very likely hear that as, "I care about you but I don't like things that I used to seem like I liked. Have you considered seeing a shrink to become someone I like more?"

 

Not saying that depression might not be a culprit here, but I just think it's a dicey path when you're getting into pathology and diagnostics at a point where you're still building a connection—or perhaps discovering that the connection and dynamic doesn't have enough juice to justify the squeeze.

 

I'm totally biased here. Managing the moods of another holds no appeal for me. When it comes up early in dating, as it often does, I'm out; when it has come up in longer relationships—the repetitive discussions, the nudges toward therapy—it has never blossomed or "turned a corner."

 

I know myself to be someone who can manage his moods pretty well. Maybe that's through yoga, or by hitting up my therapist. I want to date people who have their own tools, so I am not the tool or the one holding their hand in the hardware store because I think that, no matter how well-intentioned, can often just exacerbate the very dynamic you are both trying to alleviate.

 

Here's a Q for you jjt: If you guys weren't dealing with this stuff on the regular, what do you think things would look like? It's worth asking how much of your intimacy is built around these sorts of confrontations, maybe in ways you're only realizing now.

[DancingFool]

Figure out your priorities.

 

If your priority is just to claim you are in a relationship because your friends are, aka baaa sheep baa, then even a blow up doll will do. Or this disordered chick.

 

If you actually want a healthy relationship, then drop the desperate me too act and don't waste your time on disordered damsels in distress. Those are the things you stay away from. Not gf material, not relationship material.

 

Keep in mind that there is nothing bad about being single. If you aren't ready to put in real effort into finding a quality mate, then maybe it's time to expand your social circle and find some single friends. Swiping on Tinder....or even looking for a relationship on Tinder is a waste of time. There are better quality sites out there and there is this thing called.....gasp....real life - I hear it still works incredibly well.

 

Methinks you already know this and don't really need strangers to tell you to cut bait and run.

[JohnSimons1901]

I get that, I met this girl out not through a app (I do pretty well with girls in general)

 

I may be wrong but having a friend or a group of friends I think is the main problem, allowing me too miss her. I mean I don't want a gf who goes out every weekend getting drunk but to meet her friends would be cool and good for her to let off steam and learn and grow as a person.

[JohnSimons1901]

Im not frustrated with life, in general I am where I would like to be and going forward its the right direction for me but I would like a GF that is on my level and can have fun and not be so serious all the time.

[DancingFool]

Im not frustrated with life, in general I am where I would like to be and going forward its the right direction for me but I would like a GF that is on my level and can have fun and not be so serious all the time.

 

Well there you go. You know what you want and you know you can get what you want. Life is too short to waste on wrong people, especially those who suck the fun out of you with their constant drama.

[Realitynut]

jjt….I tell people this all the time on here...but I know what I'm talking about. Been there. Done that. Am that. I'm talking about Borderline Personality Disorder. I know, I know...not suppose to Diagnose...but...I've delved into it for years.

 

In fact...I just watched a Marilyn Monroe movie about this kid who worked for Marilyn for one show. After I watched it...I thought...I wonder if Marilyn was Borderline. So I looked it up! Yep....tons of info. Not all are 'bunny boilers'....as in fatal attraction.

 

There are basically 6 qualities to have to be 'diagnosed'.

 

The very MAIN one is feelings of abandonment. Don't leave me. In fact there's a book on it....'I hate you, don't leave me'.

 

The second is unstable emotions. Very happy and excited one min. and the next....bottomed out. Usually over something you said...or a 'look'. I remember years ago asking people...don't you feel like you have an elevator dropping through your body...and crashing at the bottom.

 

They said no. I thought that was normal.

 

I read that borderlines have all the emotions normal people do....except to an extreme! So they're extremely happy, extremely sad, extremely angry....you get the picture.

 

I've also read that they're really into sex! They're vivacious and exciting and bubbly when you first meet them. You think they're the perfect woman...and then....reality hits.

The bf who I loved the most. ….called me his little 180 girl. I am going on 65 and just found out I was this 9 years ago. Menopause and BPD...made me hell on wheels. When I wasn't being an angel!

 

Whenever I read about someone like this...I think...BINGO.

[JohnSimons1901]

I agree with the personality disorder traits and I understand both male and females can get this in different forms/ways. But if some one is funny with it or they make you laugh ect then its a positive... I have friends who probs have disorders lol but there actually hilarious to be around not over thinking everything and moaning at me about things that are out of my control.

 

No one is perfect but if you can't see reason and logic in dealing with situations and see the other persons point of view with compassion, then the person is always going to find ways to make them selves unhappy thus leading to a unhappy relationship.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you're both unhappy and incompatible. The sex is good and you're attached. She would probably bolt in a heartbeat as well because she's as unhappy as you are. She views you as insensitive and you view her as boring and too serious. She is most likely considering breaking up as well. Why not pull the plug and free both of yourselves from just limping along for the sake of good sex.

if i were to meet someone else it would be a possibility, but all my friends are in relationships atm and I am fed up with the tinder experience going back on my self

[DancingFool]

There is a big difference between friends who might have a disorder and an intimate partner who has a disorder.

 

With friends, you are exposed to a very small part of them, which might well be the fun part. You don't get to deal with the down parts, the crazy parts, the paranoid parts. Your interactions with friends in a way are highly limited and selective.

 

However, with an intimate partner, you get to deal with all of it - the mood swings, the instability, the inability to make proper decisions, inability to respond/react appropriately to life's challenges, etc. It's draining and difficult to manage and unless you really enjoy that sort of lopsided dynamic and all the stress and drama that comes with it, it's best to stay away from that when choosing romantic partners and especially when looking for a life partner.

[JohnSimons1901]

It's not all that bad if im honest, its just dealing with her emotions that effects how we spend our time together if it was that bad I would just leave it. Everyone can improve on there selves including me and I would like to do so, but if she isnt willing to deal with her issues and work on them how is the relationship going to progress, you cant help the situation if the other person has no interest in helping them selves.

[JohnSimons1901]

Yes that is true, but her not having friends its hard to see that side of her.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you can't fix or change her personality for the sake of good sex and being tired of tinder. She doesn't have to work on "her issues", you do since you're the one who wants the changes. If you can't accept her for who she is, man up and breakup. It's that simple.

I if she isnt willing to deal with her issues and work on them how is the relationship going to progress, you cant help the situation if the other person has no interest in helping them selves.

[JohnSimons1901]

I always tell her to be her self and not to change for anyone but I am sure these issue's aren't normal and effect her everyday life in which have improved since she's met me as I actually help her! But if they persist I cant keep going in circles.

[loyal]

You can only screw up and apologize so many times...

 

And the fact that she has no friends could be a red flag!

[JohnSimons1901]

Yes I agree.

 

Big red flag!

[JohnSimons1901]

Im not sure if this is normal but for example she arranged to see a girl she used to work with for some ones birthday, she said to me there are guys going to be there (I guessed single) and felt the need to tell me which I see as a good sign. I thought it was weird to tell me and not invite me along as she was asking for my permission. We had a convo about it and I said this seems kinda odd and after the next day she found out there aren't any guys going but the girls friend has a guys name. After all that she didnt go as she said it was lame what they was doing anyway.

 

Another thing was teling me she got chat up at the gym but obviously didnt take the guys number and said she has a BF. I see it as a good sign her telling me but im not sure I dont want o think about these things she should trust her self more and me that im all ok with her decisions.

[Realitynut]

But you see jjt….those were HER decisions. She's just sharing. Borderlines are over sharers. Meet me...and you'll hear my whole life's story. One of the many things I'm trying to change. She gets upset with YOU when YOU do something 'wrong' in her eyes...that you think are nothing., Borderline is a spectrum illness. Some people can't even hold a job they have it so bad. Some are functioning....can hold a job...even have friends. Just have probs with their relationships.

 

Please read up on it. Not all people fit in one neat file. We're ALL different....but the characteristics of a person with BPD makes life hard...for them and you!

We're not horrible people...just can have mood swings. Some get better when they get older. Once they realize 'they' have a problem....then they can start to deal with it. Unfortunately they think they don't have a problem....YOU made them cry. YOU made them angry.....etc. etc.

 

Another country was trying to change the disorder to 'emotional dysregulation' since BPD got such a bad reputation.

[DancingFool]

Im not sure if this is normal but for example she arranged to see a girl she used to work with for some ones birthday, she said to me there are guys going to be there (I guessed single) and felt the need to tell me which I see as a good sign. I thought it was weird to tell me and not invite me along as she was asking for my permission. We had a convo about it and I said this seems kinda odd and after the next day she found out there aren't any guys going but the girls friend has a guys name. After all that she didnt go as she said it was lame what they was doing anyway.

 

Another thing was teling me she got chat up at the gym but obviously didnt take the guys number and said she has a BF. I see it as a good sign her telling me but im not sure I dont want o think about these things she should trust her self more and me that im all ok with her decisions.

 

lol....sorry had to laugh a bit at this. No, there is nothing good about this. She is telling you because she is trying to stir up drama, make you jealous, wind you up, make you pay more attention to her, etc. Your calm, sane response didn't go to plan at all. No worries though, she'll find something else.

 

Dude, you are parenting a grown woman like she is a little kid. What turns you on about that?

 

You know she is disordered, so you either enjoy it and stay and stop complaining about it or you dump her because this isn't working for you. Make up your mind.

[katrina1980]

Im not sure if this is normal but for example she arranged to see a girl she used to work with for some ones birthday, she said to me there are guys going to be there (I guessed single) and felt the need to tell me which I see as a good sign.

 

Another thing was teling me she got chat up at the gym but obviously didnt take the guys number and said she has a BF. I see it as a good sign her telling me

 

May I ask why you think her telling you this sh** is a good sign? Serious question.

 

No it's NOT a good sign, not in the least! To the contrary -- well Dancing Fool summed it up pretty perfectly:

 

She is telling you because she is trying to stir up drama, make you jealous, wind you up, make you pay more attention to her, etc

 

And there is nothing good or positive about that at all.

[bluecastle]

Dude, you are parenting a grown woman like she is a little kid. What turns you on about that?

 

Real question: Remove the hot sex and the hang up about your friends being in relationships and what is it about this woman, and this thing you guys have together, that makes you really excited and really calm in the flow you two have?

[JohnSimons1901]

I see your point of view but she likes to play the part of the one not trying to make me jealous when having questioned her and said how is that going to help our relationship but not only that anything in general is confusing.

[JohnSimons1901]

We do have a good time together and connect on other things like the gym, we train together and its hard to find a girl who can lift and go hard in that way, also I do spend time at hers with her parents and get along with them. There are other factors in the relationship that are good, we share a lot of interests, same movies, tv series, like to travel ect.