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Facing abortion or loss of relationship


iamjustme
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He had sex assuming she was protecting from pregnancy. Yes he could’ve done more - but in this case she is still fully, completely at fault. It would be different if they were careful and still got pregnant.

 

I agree that if there is "fault" to be laid then its all hers. He's still, IMO a fool for not getting a vasectomy if he's that against having children that he wants her out of there before she starts showing because he couldn't stand to think of a baby growing inside of her. He is someone that should be looking after his own birth control.

 

Adding: As far as it being difficult to get a vasectomy. It is not a problem here in Canada. My husband went to the doctor and it was done three weeks later and paid for through our Socialized Health Care. Mind you, that was 20 years ago. Who knows whats happening now with the Provincial Government we have in place.

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Agree 100,000,000%

 

And I'm someone who IS sterilized. The idea that committed, monogamous couples should have to just wear condoms all the type is ridiculous. Long term reversible contraceptives are extremely reliable and until something comes out for men, then yes, it's reasonable that partners in a relationship together can discuss BC and the responsibility of that may fall to one person. Again, it's usually the woman because of what we have available. Unless you want to use those awful rubbers all the time, that's how it is.

 

A woman tricking a man, and I mean willfully deceiving him, is 100% reproductive rape and she should be punished legally, in my opinion. Blaming the man for not wearing a rubber when his partner has betrayed him so deeply is victim blaming.

 

Also, the road to get sterilized is not an easy one. My dad, married with kids, got snipped and even he had to find a doctor willing AND have my mom sign a permission slip! Many women can't find doctors willing to sterilize them.

 

You also should never get it done unless you are absolutely sure you don't want kids. But many people are not absolutely sure. So it's not a good option!

 

And even sterilized you/he still consent on having unprotected sex or not due to STDs unless he has been well tested - because you are a smart woman.

I am glad that there are hoops to get sterilized - it is CYA for the doctor to avoid a lawsuit if they are too quick to do it, and to also make sure you REALLY want it and have not been pressured into it by a gf/bf. Sterilization has a yucky history in the past of (eugenics) and so things are handled delicately. Also, not you perhaps, but for that one person who went through with it and now are desperate for kids, its CYA for the medical industry.

 

Anyway, back the main topic.

The OP needs to decide what to do.

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And even sterilized you/he still consent on having unprotected sex or not due to STDs unless he has been well tested - because you are a smart woman.

I am glad that there are hoops to get sterilized - it is CYA for the doctor to avoid a lawsuit if they are too quick to do it, and to also make sure you REALLY want it and have not been pressured into it by a gf/bf. Sterilization has a yucky history in the past of (eugenics) and so things are handled delicately. Also, not you perhaps, but for that one person who went through with it and now are desperate for kids, its CYA for the medical industry.

 

Anyway, back the main topic.

The OP needs to decide what to do.

 

That's true. I would feel awful if someone said to me "oh you have herpes now from your partner? Well you should have worn a condom". Uhm, no, because we had an agreement not to screw other people while we were having unprotected sex and he violated that.

 

For the record (and maybe I feel differently now because I've had it done, who knows) but I am okay with some hoops in place. I don't think my dad should have needed a "permission slip" from his wife though, that's very weird to me. The idea of sterilizing someone under the age of 25 strikes me as risky, brain development and all. I didn't undergo a psych eval but I think requiring one (for both males and females) would be a good idea, also to assess for coercion. But that's me.

 

Anyway, it's a big choice and it shouldn't be made flippantly. So few people can say "never, ever". And yes, it's a big issue for medical lawsuits. Who wants one of those?

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You’re right it won’t . He won’t ever trust her again and the relationship is pretty much over.

 

Agree. You may as well end it with him now OP.

 

Even if he doesn’t walk after this you will never look at each other the same way again... him at you for your betrayal, you at him for forcing you to terminate your pregnancy. This will never go back to the way it was.

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Agree. You may as well end it with him now OP.

 

Even if he doesn’t walk after this you will never look at each other the same way again... him at you for your betrayal, you at him for forcing you to terminate your pregnancy. This will never go back to the way it was.

I'm still not seeing the whole forcing her to terminate angle.

 

Look, what I will say is that relying on her birth control limiting the risk to 1% or full on raw-dogging and relying on pulling out, if he's having sex, he should be ready and willing to bear the consequences should it happen that a kid enters the picture. However, he's got absolutely zero reason to stay with her as a couple to parent the child. And honestly, telling her that he wants her out of the house and that she's on her own in dealing with her pregnancy and all the hormones and difficulties that come with it is nothing but fair enough as well. Why should he suffer her?

 

I don't see it as some villainous ultimatum. Personally, you violate my consent foregoing birth control when our having sex is contingent on it, then you get to **** off. I'll be there for the kid, but you're straight out the door out-of-my-life during your pregnancy and as much out of my life as you can be while still being the mother of my child afterward.

 

I'm sad to say I do have a real-life friend who was with a woman who later and rather proudly admitted to poking holes in his condoms. Originally he was adamant about paying child support and having nothing else to do with the kid, but ultimately came around and did the right thing being there for the child despite what the completely molded dumpster cheeseburger of a woman had done. My hope is that should OP decide to keep it, this man does the same once the reality hits, even if while shunning her in every possible and acceptable regard.

 

My fingers are just crossed that the kid won't inherit his irresponsible genes nor, more importantly, those which compelled her to perform such a vile and reprehensible deed.

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Whether OP reads this or not.

Your regret of terminating the pregnancy will be greater than keeping the baby at this point, because you’d be terminating it JUST because your ploy did not plan out accordingly.

This man most likely won’t even continue in this relationship after this whole situation anyway.

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I'm still not seeing the whole forcing her to terminate angle.

 

Look, what I will say is that relying on her birth control limiting the risk to 1% or full on raw-dogging and relying on pulling out, if he's having sex, he should be ready and willing to bear the consequences should it happen that a kid enters the picture. However, he's got absolutely zero reason to stay with her as a couple to parent the child. And honestly, telling her that he wants her out of the house and that she's on her own in dealing with her pregnancy and all the hormones and difficulties that come with it is nothing but fair enough as well. Why should he suffer her?

 

I don't see it as some villainous ultimatum. Personally, you violate my consent foregoing birth control when our having sex is contingent on it, then you get to **** off. I'll be there for the kid, but you're straight out the door out-of-my-life during your pregnancy and as much out of my life as you can be while still being the mother of my child afterward.

 

I'm sad to say I do have a real-life friend who was with a woman who later and rather proudly admitted to poking holes in his condoms. Originally he was adamant about paying child support and having nothing else to do with the kid, but ultimately came around and did the right thing being there for the child despite what the completely molded dumpster cheeseburger of a woman had done. My hope is that should OP decide to keep it, this man does the same once the reality hits, even if while shunning her in every possible and acceptable regard.

 

My fingers are just crossed that the kid won't inherit his irresponsible genes nor, more importantly, those which compelled her to perform such a vile and reprehensible deed.

 

Well said, j.man.

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Hi all, I haven't been fully honest. I didn't want to give the right situation so gave one as near to the reality as I could. However, im in such a mess I need to be honest.

I went to the abortion clinic today but couldnt go through with it and have a one hour councelling session on Tues to help me make a decision.

But back to the real situation.

My partner is a woman. We've been together 11 years and she is the best thing that ever happened to me. She never wanted kids. She wants a childfree life filled with travel, etc. I have been conflicted for 7 years about having or not having children. We split up over it briefly when i was 36 and got back together after i decided to go with her decision. I thought i could forget about it, move on and live a satisfied life. But at around age 40 I started wanting to have a baby all over again. I met with a sperm donor but couldn't go through with artificial insemination. So i moved on again. Then at age 42 the baby thing went insane. I was aware time either had run out or was running out. So I met with the same sperm donor - a man who wants involvement with child when child asks about him.

Then my sister got pregnant and baby scans and photos arrived left, right and centre.

Eventually I got pregnant at age 43 using artificial insemination.

I am about 6 weeks now and the scan shows a heartbeat!

This is my one and only chance to be a parent.

But i will lose my partner who i love.

I will lose my home.

I will be a struggling single mother with zero support.

Also, i was abused as a child. I came from a very crazy home and i have had mental health problems in the past.

I'm aware i went behind my partners back to achieve a pregnancy i thought would never happen and without really thinking it all through!

I feel guilty about how hurt and upset she is now.

The relationship is not over though. She's willing to move on and forgive, but she does not want to bring up a child.

So it is a case of her or the baby.

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The relationship is not over though. She's willing to move on and forgive, but she does not want to bring up a child.So it is a case of her or the baby.

 

Honestly, I think your relationship will be over whether you decide to keep the baby or not.

 

This is a betrayal of trust on a monumental scale, that will very likely rupture the core of your relationship so badly it will not be reparable. She says she wants to move and forgive, but actually doing so is a totally different story.

 

I think you two are going to find it nearly impossible to come back from. How she could ever trust you again, I don't know. I just don't see it as a realistic prospect. With that in mind, I would try to figure out if it will be all worth it to you to give up the child you clearly want.

 

So I would take a while to reflect on this: How will you feel if you terminate or find an adoptive family for the baby, and the relationship fails anyway?

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What I said still stands. Your relationship is over as you can’t be honest with her nor us. She doesn’t want a child and you do. These lifestyle differences CAN’T be compromised.

 

I was abused as a child as well. Get therapy and start resolving issues BEFORE your child is born. This just isn’t about you anymore.

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What I said still stands. Your relationship is over as you can’t be honest with her nor us. She doesn’t want a child and you do. These lifestyle differences CAN’T be compromised.

 

I was abused as a child as well. Get therapy and start resolving issues BEFORE your child is born. This just isn’t about you anymore.

 

I agree. And I am very glad you didn't make her a parent so that even though you betrayed her you haven't affected her life in that particular way, including financially.

 

I also agree with Seraphim about resolving your issues. And somehow claiming that seeing ultrasound photos put you over the edge. I got pregnant at 41, almost 42 -one and only time - and I was bombarded with baby photos and baby news and baby showers for decades when I wanted a baby of my own. And because I think of the best interests of the child first and foremost I never let that affect my personal decision to become a mother. That's just irresponsible IMO even to tell yourself that those kind of external situations that have nothing to do with you caused you to betray your partner.

 

Please don't tell yourself stories about why you did this and how unfair it is. You are an adult who chose to get pregnant knowing you likely would be depriving the child of a two-parent stable family. Knowing that you would be a single mother with as you say no support.

 

You have time to find that support since you found out early on you are pregnant. Your child deserves that kind of support and deserves to have you work on yourself, now, like Seraphim mentioned.

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