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Facing abortion or loss of relationship


iamjustme
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I'm a 43 year old woman who is just over 5 weeks pregnant.

My partner does not want this child. I have no children.

If I have the child then my 11 year old relationship will be over. My partner will have to remortgage and buy me out of the house. I'll be a single mother with no support system where I live. I'll have to move back to my place of birth and be around my family who have problems and affect my mental health.

If I have a medical abortion then the problem is solved EXCEPT I want this baby and I don't know if I can live with the regret of having an abortion.

If I have the baby, I don't know if I can live with the regret of losing my partner.

This is the worst situation I've ever been in.

I keep living on hope that my partner will change his mind, but he's been very clear that he does not want to be a parent. He values his freedom. He is clear he will not change his mind.

I've even thought about having the baby, buying a place near my partner and waiting to see if he will change his mind eventually, but I don't think I could cope alone as a single parent with zero support.

He isn't forcing me into an abortion. He says it has to be my decision.

I just can't decide though because I want both the baby and him:upset:

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My question to him then is if he is so adamant about not wanting children W TF didn't he get a vasectomy? Idiot.

 

Anyway: You have your baby and then figure everything out after that. In the meantime, see a lawyer and get instructions on what you have to do to get child support payments in place once the baby is born.

 

Did you know he was adamant about not having children? If you did, were you on birth control of some kind? Did you insist he wear condoms or did you throw caution to the wind?

 

I'm am 100% pro choice but I don't think picking a man over terminating a baby should even be on your radar. Particularly if he is too selfish or stupid to get a vasectomy when he is willing to give you up because you are having his child.

 

He's a dirt bag (unless of course you somehow tricked him into this pregnancy... in any event he should still get a vasectomy).

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What a horrible situation to be in.

 

Do you think he's serious when he says your relationship will be over? Why wouldn't you get to stay in the house with the baby? How are his finances?

 

If you want the baby, then have the baby. Maybe it's possible that after the child is born, he'll soften up his attitude about it.

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i'm not innocent in this. yes, i tricked him. i always wanted kids and he didn't and i always thought he'd change his mind. i've not been using contraception for 8 months. so i'm as much to blame here and i accept that.

i hate myself for what has happened.

i can't afford to buy him out of the house so he'll have to buy me out.

he is a lovely, kind man who loves animals. he just doesn't like kids.

he has no kids whatsoever in his life.

when i try to show him photos of kids in my family he can't stand to look. he will drop friends who have become parents!

i've always thought i can help him to learn to like kids. i've tried to understand where the problem comes from. he just says he dislikes children.

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i'm not innocent in this. yes, i tricked him. i always wanted kids and he didn't and i always thought he'd change his mind. i've not been using contraception for 8 months. so i'm as much to blame here and i accept that.

i hate myself for what has happened.

i can't afford to buy him out of the house so he'll have to buy me out.

he is a lovely, kind man who loves animals. he just doesn't like kids.

he has no kids whatsoever in his life.

when i try to show him photos of kids in my family he can't stand to look. he will drop friends who have become parents!

i've always thought i can help him to learn to like kids. i've tried to understand where the problem comes from. he just says he dislikes children.

 

You tricked him, so you’re on your own. Not to be harsh, but you knew this going in.

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He is attempting to manipulate you which is NOT love, not even close.

 

This man does not love you, not in any way shape or form.

 

If me, would not care how long we've been together, the nano-second he said what he did, I would show him the door.

 

And proceed to have my baby with the support of friends and family and those who truly care about me, which sadly is not him.

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Well, then I can't blame him one bit. You chose to put yourself and an innocent child into this horrible situation.

 

You can go after him for child support. Don't worry about making him "mad" because you already have. At least he'll be mad and helping you with child expenses instead of being mad and you having to scrounge for money to pay to raise the child.

 

This relationship is over. Please think very carefully before you decide to end the child's life because you used it as a pawn and your tactics failed.

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Wow. So you entered into a relationship with a man who was upfront about not liking children, showed zero interest in family photos of other kids and remained clear on his position for the entire 11 year relationship and you still thought that tricking him into becoming a father would cause him to change his mind? Pretty awful if you ask me.

 

Frankly I don't blame him for wanting to exit the relationship if you go through with the pregnancy. He made it clear he did. Not. Want. This.

 

Hopefully in the future he will use contraceptives of his own. This will be a pretty expensive lesson for him to learn if you keep the baby.

 

And yeah a harsh lesson for you to learn is that tricking a man into parenthood will never result in a happy family. I think you need to end this relationship either way as what you have done is unforgivable.

 

If you do choose to keep it, you need to let go of the idea that you will have help. Financial support will be the bare minimum that you'll get from him (and frankly that will hopefully teach him to use proper contraception of his own next time.)

 

I'm pro choice so you can choose to end the pregnancy or keep it, but the relationship is dead already.

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You got pregnant knowing that he would end the relationship, then? I guess you have to accept the fallout.

 

Not everyone wants children, especially a man who is (I'm guessing) near fifty? You're going to have to do a lot of soul searching here. It's obvious you can't have them both, and so you have to decide.

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He says he wants me and only me. No baby. He was mad for a moment and shocked and now he's just stressed out at the thought of losing me. He won't change his mind though. The relationship is not over in his eyes. He is willing to continue it, but without the baby. He's 40 years old.

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i'm not innocent in this. yes, i tricked him. i always wanted kids and he didn't and i always thought he'd change his mind. i've not been using contraception for 8 months. so i'm as much to blame here and i accept that.

i hate myself for what has happened.

i can't afford to buy him out of the house so he'll have to buy me out.

he is a lovely, kind man who loves animals. he just doesn't like kids.

he has no kids whatsoever in his life.

when i try to show him photos of kids in my family he can't stand to look. he will drop friends who have become parents!

i've always thought i can help him to learn to like kids. i've tried to understand where the problem comes from. he just says he dislikes children.

What a tangled web you've weaved for yourself however: You wanted children so badly that you deceived and tricked this man so why on earth would you even consider an abortion? Start acting with the maturity that your age should afford you and accept your decision.

 

He says he wants me and only me. No baby. He was mad for a moment and shocked and now he's just stressed out at the thought of losing me. He won't change his mind though. The relationship is not over in his eyes. He is willing to continue it, but without the baby.
Get a vasectomy you epitome of a d-bag man-boy.

 

The chance of you ever getting pregnant (aside from IVF) are next to nil so don't eff up this opportunity. You did after all do something unconscionable to achieve.

 

Hopefully your pregnancy and the birth of your child will go smoothly. Start making plans for you and your baby and get on with your lives being happy with your decision.

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He says he wants me and only me. No baby. He was mad for a moment and shocked and now he's just stressed out at the thought of losing me. He won't change his mind though. The relationship is not over in his eyes. He is willing to continue it, but without the baby.

 

And YOU chose to get pregnant. Without his consent.

 

So, now you choose: abortion or boyfriend.

 

You don’t get both.

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Go to a woman's clinic and discuss your options. Be truthful. They are there to help navigate difficult decisions like this, and to offer non judgemental support and information.

 

There is a third option here: adoption. I'm not here to try and tell you what to do. But that means not having to abort this baby, if the pregnancy goes to term.

 

Your relationship will never be the same no matter what you choose. So focus on this pregnancy: what is in the best interests of the child? Not you, not him, the child.

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i did suggest adoption but he thinks i will change my mind when the baby is born. plus he can't have me staying in the house while getting more and more along with the pregnancy. he said it will make him feel obliged to stand by me. i have an appointment at a clinic in a week for an assessment of which he wants to attend and then they give you two pills to take for the medical abortion.

if i decide to continue the pregnancy then he wants me out within the next couple of months because he doesn't want to see the pregnancy.

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I always rescue animals or insects that need help. I hate to kill ANYTHING. The GP told me the fetus is just a ball of cells at this stage, but I still feel I will be killing something that is alive. But you cannot be alive if you haven't even been born.

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I always rescue animals or insects that need help. I hate to kill ANYTHING. The GP told me the fetus is just a ball of cells at this stage, but I still feel I will be killing something that is alive. But you cannot be alive if you haven't even been born.

 

Sounds like you've made up your mind.

 

Good luck with your relationship. I presume it will be no problem for you to look at your boyfriend and not think about this situation.

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He says he wants me and only me. No baby. He was mad for a moment and shocked and now he's just stressed out at the thought of losing me. He won't change his mind though. The relationship is not over in his eyes. He is willing to continue it, but without the baby. He's 40 years old.

 

My thoughts are there's no guarantee he'll choose to stay even if you do go forward with an abortion. I would take that into account while making a decision, as well.

 

On the other hand, he's equally responsible for the use of BC, and needs to own his part here.

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