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Ex bf wants closure after a year


Eyalline
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My ex boyfriend talked to my younger sister and told her he is planning to have a closure with me. I was shocked because it has been a year. He was the one who broke up with me and he is now dating someone else (although their relationship is going downhill). I don't know the reason why he still needs closure when he was the one who dumped me for some reason. He told my sister that he doesn't like avoiding someone anymore because we see each other at church every sunday. It is just so weird. I honestly don't want anything to do with him anymore. In reality, if only there is a world without him in it, I would gladly live there. He knows I am leaving for college soon and I would be far. He told my sister that before I would leave, he would talk to me for "closure". Boy, it's very clear to me that we are already over and I had my closure when he left me a year ago.

 

What do I do? Should I allow myself to talk to him? Ever since we broke up, we never said a word to each other. What does everything mean? Why does he want closure when it's pretty clear that everything is closed?

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I wouldn't bother breaking your brain trying to figure out his intentions. Maybe he's never liked the way things ended, maybe his current thing is fizzling out and stirring some feelings, maybe he'd just like to strike a "good note" with you before you leave for college, maybe...doesn't really matter.

 

What matters is how it sits with you, what you'd like, and you sound pretty clear on that front. The chapter is closed for you, has been for a long time, so no need to open it back up for a moment to, well, close close it. Very mature outlook, really, since closure is ultimately something that comes from within, and with time, not something another person delivers.

 

I've had nice meetings with exes, bad meetings with exes, and exes I've never talked to again. No rules, really. Just go with what you're feeling, what works for you. In this case I'd just send him a polite note declining and wishing him the best.

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Sorry to hear this. He doesn't want "closure". There's no such thing. Closure is the breakup. He wants a hookup for his own convenience because whoever he dumped you for dumped him. Ask your sister to stop communicating with him.. Delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps. Focus on college, your future and your new social there. Leave the past in the past.

-He was the one who broke up with me and he is now dating someone else. he was the one who dumped me for some reason.

-I honestly don't want anything to do with him anymore.

-I had my closure when he left me a year ago.

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I have never understood the logic behind "closure comes from within." Oh I know it's one of those catch-all phrases that's become very popular in today's society, but I am still not quite sure how one can obtain closure from within, except of course, giving yourself enough time to heal so that getting closure from your partner doesn't even matter anymore.

 

For example, let's say you've been dating someone for a few months or even years sometimes and suddenly they stop contacting you, fell off the face of the earth. Ghosted you.

 

You have no idea why, things were going well, and you are completely blindsided. So you are left wracking your brain for months thinking of all these different scenarios it could be, all of which equals no closure. And as a result you're struggling to move on.

 

On the other hand, let's say the same person who ghosted in the first scenario explained to you the reasons he/she wanted to break up. There was a thread earlier wherein the OP ended it with her boyfriend saying she didn't believe they shared the same values and priorities, and presented reasons why she felt that way. All which equals closure. For both her and her partner.

 

So now her/his partner (both actually) can move on properly and heal without being distracted by not knowing what the hell happened - no closure.

 

I don't buy the theory "it doesn't matter." That all that's important is it's over. You give yourself closure.

 

Of course it matters, and it's human to believe it matters.

 

OP, my guess (and it really is just a guess) is your ex is beginning to get serious, or wants to get serious with his new girlfriend, but before he can move forward with her, there are still some things that trouble him about your relationship and/or breakup, things that weren't said that he'd like to say, so that he can move forward with her, with a free heart, mind, body and spirit.

 

Why not grant him that? It may help you too, I get the sense you still feel some resentment, residual anger, even after a year.

 

So talk to him, for him and for you too.

Edited by katrina1980
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I'm not sure why he had to pick on your younger sister to be his messenger of foreboding. It seems a bit overdramatic/suspenseful, even comical, for no good reason.

 

If you are curious, I don't see why you can't listen to him. It might help him get things out of his system. You may help him regain peace of mind (maybe his soul too) and you get to feel good about liberating his tormented soul. Isn't it the Christian thing to do anyway? Win/win, as I see it.

Edited by Rose Mosse
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OP, he isn't looking for "closure."

 

He's looking for a back-up plan if his new relationship falls apart. But he will bounce again as soon as he's gotten his ego boosted from you. Don't bother with this.

 

I am curious how you know about his relationship being in the weeds, though. Where are you getting this information?

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I always get a bit of a chuckle from these types of threads.

 

First, we’ve got one poster saying he wants to keep you as a back up for when he’s dry.

 

Another saying he wants to alleviate his guilt.

 

Even I had a theory – that there were things left unsaid that he’d like to say in order to move forward with his girlfriend with an open and free mind, body and heart.

 

Bottom line, no one knows why the hell he wants to meet with you! :D

 

Instead of speculating about it, why not just meet and find out? What’s the harm?

 

It sounds like you’ve moved on, which is fabulous. But it also sounds like that doesn’t come without a bit of residual anger and resentment – which I sensed from reading your original post.

 

I honestly don't want anything to do with him anymore. In reality, if only there is a world without him in it, I would gladly live there.

 

That's a lot of anger, right there Eyal.

 

I also think if you don’t meet with him, you will always be wondering what he wanted, so again why not?

 

I really believe people should learn to forgive each other with grace and humility. I am not suggesting that means being friends; I just don’t see the harm in meeting him for a quick coffee (not dinner) and letting him say what he needs to say and you say what you need to say so as to alleviate some of your resentment and anger too which isn't good or healthy to be carrying around.

 

Best of luck whatever you decide.

Edited by katrina1980
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I honestly don't want anything to do with him anymore. In reality, if only there is a world without him in it, I would gladly live there.

 

Then send him a note to leave your sister out of it and that you don't wish to meet up with him. You wish him the best, but nope.

Or ignore his request and if he contacts your sister again, instruct her to ignore him.

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You should not speak to him, and keep living like he isn't a part of your world. If you are going away soon, more the better. He is looking for closure for himself but not considering how you might feel about it. I didn't really start recovering from my worst heartbreak until she moved away. Going to church with an ex really isn't fun and I would have been better off to find a new church rather than wait for one of us to leave. Most likely, he feels similarly that going to church with you is awkward, but that just can't be helped. Talking to you probably wont make it better for either of you.

 

I always get a bit of a chuckle from these types of threads.

 

First, we’ve got one poster saying he wants to keep you as a back up for when he’s dry.

 

Another saying he wants to alleviate his guilt.

 

Even I had a theory – that there were things left unsaid that he’d like to say in order to move forward with his girlfriend with an open and free mind, body and heart.

 

Bottom line, no one knows why the hell he wants to meet with you! :D

 

Instead of speculating about it, why not just meet and find out? What’s the harm?

 

It sounds like you’ve moved on, which is fabulous. But it also sounds like that doesn’t come without a bit of residual anger and resentment – which I sensed from reading your original post.

 

 

 

That's a lot of anger, right there Eyal.

 

I also think if you don’t meet with him, you will always be wondering what he wanted, so again why not?

 

I really believe people should learn to forgive each other with grace and humility. I am not suggesting that means being friends; I just don’t see the harm in meeting him for a quick coffee (not dinner) and letting him say what he needs to say and you say what you need to say so as to alleviate some of your resentment and anger too which isn't good or healthy to be carrying around.

 

Best of luck whatever you decide.

 

That's not anger, it's not wanting to get caught up again or go backwards. I dunno if the OP is there yet, but you can certainly forgive someone without wanting them in your life.

 

And your rant about closure was weird too. If someone ghosts you, you literally cannot get closure from them. The whole point of "find closure on your own" is that in many (most?) cases the person we want closure from is unable to give it. Either their explanations for why they left cause our mind to find more things to think about rather than moving on, or they wont meet us, or when they do meet us we change our minds and get back together even though we aren't compatible, the list is almost endless here. Every time I've met up with someone who I was attracted to who wasn't into me, it made me more attracted to them not less. It was the opposite of closure. The closure only came later, after not seeing them. You come across like you have never been dumped by someone you deeply cared about.

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>>You come across like you have never been dumped by someone you deeply cared about.

 

 

Oh I have believe me.... ghosted actually, but that's another thread.

 

I was also in a long term RL (six years) where I did the dumping but it was sort of a "forced dump" if you know what I mean.

 

Our relationship became so toxic, he left me no other choice but to dump him. He entered rehab shortly thereafter.

 

Anyway, re the guy who ghosted me, it was tough not knowing why, I wracked my brain about it for many months, very confusing, not having that closure.

 

Had he given me a reason for it, it would have helped me move on much faster, but in time I eventually did. I still don't know what happened and at this point don't care. Time took care of that.

 

But my point with my previous post, was that like you even said, I was never able to get that "closure from within" that people strongly advocate. I tried, but it wasn't happening. The only thing that helped me was TIME.

 

With my long term now ex, we did have closure at least on my side we did. We talked about how toxic our relationship had become; I told him why I was leaving, he accepted my decision, and even apologized.

 

And like I said, he entered rehab shortly thereafter and is totally clean now, good for him.

 

It's been a few years and I can honestly say I hold no ill will towards him whatsoever, no anger at all, I have completely moved past it.

 

And if he asked to see me now, for closure, or to simply tell me things left unsaid, I would!

 

No question I would. Not because I harbor any notions of getting back together, that ship has sailed, but because he was once a very important part of my life, and I think it would be the gracious and kind thing to do.

 

But heck if OP doesn't want to, that's fine, it is totally her choice.

 

I was simply giving my opinion, sorry you viewed it as some sort of a "rant." But whatever, that's your opinion too.

Edited by katrina1980
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Closure is important if you believe its important. People move on from relationships all the time without ever needing 'closure'. So it can be done. I cant tell you why this guy wants to talk to you. I can take a wild guess but I think you leaving is a big reason. But in his mind regardless of reason, closure is important. His problem is, you don't feel the same nor do you require it.

So since you are happy without him in your life, then continue to not have him in your life. Let him figure things out on his own. You are doing just fine.

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Closure is important if you believe its important. People move on from relationships all the time without ever needing 'closure'. So it can be done. I cant tell you why this guy wants to talk to you. I can take a wild guess but I think you leaving is a big reason. But in his mind regardless of reason, closure is important. His problem is, you don't feel the same nor do you require it.

 

I like this response. And that's really the take-away, isn't it.

 

For some, getting closure from your partner, during or after break up, is important.

 

For others, not so much, they're able to get closure from within.

 

Me? I like to communicate, during the relationship, and during a break up. I need that.

 

And after enough time passes, and I have completely moved on, if my ex needed to, I'd be open to communicating again.

 

But that's me.

 

OP, you do you, what's right for you.

 

That is all that's important at the end of the day.

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TRUE closure, is good for the soul. It can help a lot. I remember years ago, I was seeing this girl who abruptly stopped with no REAL excuse. She was going back to school or some garbage and didn't have time. I ended up going on a sex spree afterward, but still going crazy in my mind cuz I just didn't get it. I had my theory, but no way to know for sure. About 8 or 9 months later, we FINALLY talked, and she told me it WASN'T what I thought. I forget what the real reason was now cuz it was so long ago, but I felt MUCH BETTER after our conversation. I had CLOSURE.

 

Now, you may not feel he DESERVES closure, since he dumped YOU. And that's fine. But if you're honest with yourself and part of you wants closure too, why not talk to him? Just don't get sucked back in. Closure is to accept an END to something, not to confuse you more, or start things back up again. So don't be manipulated. But if you can listen without getting sucked back in, and it'll help the both of you, what's the harm? It really is up to you though. If you don't need closure, and don't feel you owe him any, move on. I'll tell you a story though:

 

I had a gf for several years that I broke up with a few years ago. I had my reasons. For the first six months to a year, she was still in love with me. Called me, texted me, and I'd respond, even tho I wanted a clean break. Eventually she'd contact me less and less, and also had a new guy she was interested in. OK, cool. But about ANOTHER year later, I started feeling like I missed her. A lot. She was over me by that point tho. I felt the difference in the way we interacted. She told me it was my fault for breaking up with her. (Even tho staying together wouldn't have done us any good either.) Sometimes she seemed cold, and other times seemed to wanna help me get over her. She eventually gave me the closure I needed and now we're in a better place. We don't talk much but we're still on decent terms. The closure was for me. She didn't need it. But she allowed me to say everything I needed to say, whether she cared to hear it or not. That finally began my true healing process. Prior to that, she could see I was still in love with her and felt bad (somewhat lol) and wanted me to move on from her.

 

Sometimes WE DON'T need closure, but it helps to give it to others. If he hurt you too much for you to want to do him that favor tho, ignore him. You don't HAVE to do ANYTHING. But if it won't hurt you, why not?

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Sometimes WE DON'T need closure, but it helps to give it to others. If he hurt you too much for you to want to do him that favor tho, ignore him. You don't HAVE to do ANYTHING. But if it won't hurt you, why not?

 

She doesn't need closure. And no one should subject themselves to it just for the sake of the other person. Usually when someone asks for closure a long time later, they don't really want closure, its a ploy to try to get the other person back, its because they are in between women and they want to see if their ex would have sex with them for old time's sake, or if its like my ex, to be hurtful.

Its against common sense to put oneself through it

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TheRawTruth and Katrina both have my votes. I think it would be a gracious thing to do. You never know, someday you could be in his position and need closure from an ex. Wouldn't you want them to give you that?

 

For the people saying that he has ulterior motives, its not as if you have no control over yourself if you speak with him. If you sense that he's got an angle, just take your exit.

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She doesn't need closure. And no one should subject themselves to it just for the sake of the other person. Usually when someone asks for closure a long time later, they don't really want closure, its a ploy to try to get the other person back, its because they are in between women and they want to see if their ex would have sex with them for old time's sake, or if its like my ex, to be hurtful.

Its against common sense to put oneself through it

 

I know. Which is why I also said:

 

Just don't get sucked back in. Closure is to accept an END to something, not to confuse you more, or start things back up again. So don't be manipulated. But if you can listen without getting sucked back in, and it'll help the both of you, what's the harm? It really is up to you though. If you don't need closure, and don't feel you owe him any, move on.

 

I wasn't telling her to GIVE him closure. I just gave her both sides to give her something to think about.

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