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Hi all, thanks for reading.

Ive been dating this guy for many years. He is a wonderful nice person. He always takes care of me and loves me even when im really annoying, he does everything for me. Including paying for everything I need. Its not really a problem for him to pay for my things, at all, on the other hand im an art student.. so I got used to living quite a luxury life because of him.

 

The thing is.. I really do love him, but at the moment more like a friend. Am I really horrible for having everything but still wanting more?

 

The guy is cute but very chubby. Has a bit of a beer belly and pretty much as much boobs as I do. (im a B cup hehe) . I seriously struggle to be turned on with him because of that, I am and always been into skinny or muscular guys. It is such a turn off that he cares not about his body and appearance. He enjoys eating crappy food and sitting on the sofa watching tv all day. I do not. Im a dancer so I work out, eat healthy and really care about my body. I really want him to help me be the best version of myself, instead, he kinda drags me down a little bit to his lethargic sedentary lifestyle that I hate.

 

He is always on the computer, his phone, the tv or playing a video game. Not only I find this unhealthy for the body but (sorry for sounding so cliche) for the soul as well. You cant actually LIVE if you are always glued to a screen. I know Im such a helpless romantic but I crave to do wild crazy things, go skinny dip in a lake, get lost in a weird place, hike up to a mountain, run across the woods., camp in the middle of nowhere and watch the stars all night. Please, tell me, is this wrong? Have I watched too many romantic movies, read too many fantasy love novels? Do people actually have the crazy, romantic, love affairs or am I asking for things that are un-achievable in real life? I need that to be my mainstream lifestyle, not watching tv.

 

Its extremely hard to get him to do anything other than watch tv. It takes 110% of my energy to get his ass towards the edges of his minuscule confort zone, and its almost utterly imposible to get him outside of it. He is so closed minded about trying anything new or changing anything about his lifestyle. Since we started dating I changed so much, I grew so much as a person. I still obviously need to learn a lot, but at least Im slowly getting there. Its like he got stuck the way he was when he was 14.

 

If I try to mention anything about this he gets irritated and defensive. He doesnt listen. He gets mad if I try to propose him going to the gym or trying a new sport or whatever. He acuses me of wanting to change him and says thats wrong. Maybe it is wrong, but is it so bad to want a loved one to have healthier habits? To go out their confort zone and experience life?

 

I dont know what to do.

 

He is an amazing person, we have 7 years of history and just cant picture myself breaking his heart. Plus I have no clue how the hell would I survive financially, I dont think I would be able to.

I really do value him and his love so much, but I still crave for more. I cant get past how much I wish I could be with someone that I was actually physically attracted to. And someone who would bring out the best from me and pushed ME out of my confort zone. It pains me so much!

 

You know he could just go to the gym, he would be smoking hot if he committed to it. He could stop acting like a teenager video game addict and realise real life is out there. We actually have such an amazing time on the extremely rare and brief occasions we do something fun.

He could just do this two not-so-hard things and solve my existential crisis and deep misery than Im in (no, Im not being overly dramatic I swear lol). But I try to encourage him on this and he wont listen, ever. I dont know what to say.

I feel bad about asking this from him, he does actually give me SO much I really shouldn't complain or ask for more. I cant help it, my hearts want this things more than anything. I want to feel passion and lust, be way more in love than I am. It makes me want to cry to picture the rest of my life with no change on this matters whatsoever. And it makes me feel like Im wasting my youth, it terrifies me.

 

I dont have anybody to talk about this. Please help, your advice is very appreciated

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How old are you?

 

Well, to be honest, yes, you ask for too much. You got the money, you want the looks too. You could try the other way around. Work, be independent and then search for a hot guy with abs.

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Maybe it's time to get a job and live more within your means instead of depending on someone else to pay your bills or maintain your lifestyle. You are criticizing him for his lifestyle but you haven't noticed you're not in any position to do so because you can't take care of yourself either. I don't feel like he's the only person acting like a teenager.

 

Live your life fully the way you want to live it and don't live within the confines of a lifestyle that's not healthy for you.

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Would your decision be so difficult if he didn't have any money?

Serious question.

 

He knows what keeps you there and it seems to be working.

 

You say you love him, but it is the lifestyle you love more?

Which of the two would be harder to give up?

 

Say you won the lottery tomorrow. Would this still be a dilemma?

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You're using him.

 

And it's not love, you're essentially a high priced hooker at his beck and call and taking money for services.

 

I mean, at least be honest on what it all is.

Edited by SherrySher
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If you are staying in this arrangement then please don't tell yourself you've grown as a person. People who have the values that count don't lie to themselves and their partner pretending to be interested romantically while freeloading. You've grown dependent on his money for sure, you've convinced yourself you're some kind of struggling artist who needs a sugar daddy - that's not growth it's simply immaturity and a lazy attitude.

 

If you want to feel passion and lust then start first by acting in a loving way towards yourself -and I mean tough love. Get a job, get a place to live you can afford on your own and if you have time to pursue your dancing you will - but top priority is to become a self sufficient adult and to be honest with yourself about what you want and who you have things in common with. There is nothing wrong with his choices - he is allowed to live any kind of lifestyle he wants -he's not hurting anyone. But you are hurting him by using him and you are hurting yourself by lying to yourself.

 

I also think putting big girl pants and taking charge of your basic needs and life will help you improve as an artist -when you can afford to practice your art -that's in your control.

 

Please don't tell yourself that you have to settle for no passion -you know that's not true. You've chosen convenience and a meal ticket over pursuing an equal relationship. You know there are many options out there for you to live your life in a genuine, authentic way and ready to feel and act passionate toward someone. You just have to make that a priority over using someone for their money and to play house with.

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Great post, Batya, my thoughts exactly only written more eloquently.

 

Stop using this man, stop criticising him, learn to take care of yourself. It you want passion and some kind of love story, go and find someone else and don't use him either.

 

Work to have the things you want.

 

Otherwise you're just scrounging off of men and it's no better than escorts or hookers.

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Thank you for your replies. Ive been really thinking about what you said....

 

Even leaving money aside it would still be hard for me. He has been my best friend and pretty much the most important person in my life for 10 years.

He has been helping me financially for the past 2 years, when I had some family problems. Our relationship was never about the money, and only recently I let myself depend on him like that, maybe I shouldn't have.

 

Of course it does weight on me that I cant afford rent at the moment without him. But even if I could, I would still be torn about loosing someone I do care deeply about, and that cares so much about me. I dont know if this romantic fantasies are worth losing someone like him. I dont know if I would ever find someone better anyway, who would love me as much. But I also dont know if I will ever be completely happy with my relationship the way it is. I know I havent been satisfied for a while.

 

I know being a couch potato is actually quite normal but being a dancer myself, no one else on my circles is like that and I struggle to understand him. I do enjoy spending hours at the gym and playing sports and I honestly love eating healthy food, this things make me feel good on a physical and mental health level. I wish I could share this big interest in my life with him. There was a time when I was a couch potato myself, during my early teen years, I was so unhealthy on every level back then, but I had a wake up call and I grew on that way.

 

I know that if he asked me to, I dont know, start playing mario tennis with him or go learn Chinese or go vegan with him or whatever, and told me this was super important to him, I would definitely do it. Because I care about making him feel that way. I would rather he cared about his own health and body, or at least tried to look good for me, (its not like I dont put effort in looking good for him!) than payed for things. I rather he did something really romantic with me, that cost no money at all, than payed for a fancy restaurant. Really, no doubt.

 

I just dont actually want someone new. He has always been my best friend, and I love him and I want to be in love with him again. I want him to go to the gym with me, I want him to go out and do fun things with me.

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How do you define "best friend?" You seem to look down on him, to claim that he's holding you back/weighing you down - being a couch potato is not "normal" but it is his choice. What "circles?" are you referring to? Do you mean other dancers? Yes, people who dance are probably active, of course but are you sure you actually have "circles" or just know people who also dance or want to dance like you? Spending hours at the gym is a luxury - of course many spend hours at the gym - meaning when they are not working a full time job or not taking care of children all day, etc - so these "circles" who spend hours at the gym like you -how do they afford it? And if they're dependent on someone else like you are is that the kind of circle that is going to help you move forward?

 

I don't see anywhere in your post where you care about him. I do see that you care about continuing your financial dependence and you care about maintaining the status quo because, even aside from the money, change is hard -you're actually being a couch potato when it comes to staying in an arrangement you are not satisfied with - it's a lazy way of living and being.

 

On the positive side you can make a change. You can still be a good friend to him and not romantically involved. You can stop taking any money from him. You can prepare your CV and start looking for jobs. You can make a deadline for yourself -like, by next week you will have your CV ready and you will have applied to at least 3 jobs. For example. Instead of spending hours playing sports and at the gym commit to spending 3-4 hours a day every day on your job search -focused, intense time.

 

Look for that passion and romance once you attend to your basic adult needs of food, clothing, shelter -all on your own. You can do this.

 

Edited to add -maybe I shouldn't be posting. It disgusts me when I see a woman treating herself like garbage like you are doing and trying to justify it. I'm not a feminist but in these kinds of situations it makes me so sad to see a very capable and articulate woman choosing to live this way. I have a good friend whose daughter is doing something similar -she's in her late 20s, has this volatile relationship with a sugar daddy although she does claim to be into him. 2 years ago she was all set on going to graduate school or law school and very driven and very involved with nonprofit work, etc - she is very very beautiful and she gets tons of male attention - and it makes me so sad to see the path she's chosen for the last year or so. She reached out to me for help with her CV and I spent over an hour on the phone with her with a promise from her that we'd communicate through google docs once she made revisions. That was over a year ago and she never did and no I'm not spending any more time on this -she has to take the initiative. And so do you. Please choose a different path -and passionate love should be a very low or no priority right now.

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Well, you handled all the harsh feedback really well and it's apparent that you do care about this guy. But I'm not convinced that it's love. At least not a romantic love. You yourself used the term sugar daddy.

 

It does really appear that you have outgrown him. Like a child outgrows a parent. I don't know what to tell you at this point other than you need to accept him as he is or consider the alternative.

 

You need seriously ask yourself if you want a life time of this.

It is o.k. to love someone and recognize you can no longer be together.

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You're extraordinarily judgmental for a person who literally cannot survive financially for one week without this guy.

 

He could just as easily come here and tell us about you, saying that you don't do anything to support yourself financially, that you're a parasite who uses him for his money. But I bet he'd never do that.

 

Do him a favor and let him find a sweet girl who will appreciate him, with whom he can Netflix & couch.

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Thank you for your replies. Ive been really thinking about what you said....

 

Even leaving money aside it would still be hard for me. He has been my best friend and pretty much the most important person in my life for 10 years.

He has been helping me financially for the past 2 years, when I had some family problems. Our relationship was never about the money, and only recently I let myself depend on him like that, maybe I shouldn't have.

 

Of course it does weight on me that I cant afford rent at the moment without him. But even if I could, I would still be torn about loosing someone I do care deeply about, and that cares so much about me. I dont know if this romantic fantasies are worth losing someone like him. I dont know if I would ever find someone better anyway, who would love me as much. But I also dont know if I will ever be completely happy with my relationship the way it is. I know I havent been satisfied for a while.

 

I know being a couch potato is actually quite normal but being a dancer myself, no one else on my circles is like that and I struggle to understand him. I do enjoy spending hours at the gym and playing sports and I honestly love eating healthy food, this things make me feel good on a physical and mental health level. I wish I could share this big interest in my life with him. There was a time when I was a couch potato myself, during my early teen years, I was so unhealthy on every level back then, but I had a wake up call and I grew on that way.

 

I know that if he asked me to, I dont know, start playing mario tennis with him or go learn Chinese or go vegan with him or whatever, and told me this was super important to him, I would definitely do it. Because I care about making him feel that way. I would rather he cared about his own health and body, or at least tried to look good for me, (its not like I dont put effort in looking good for him!) than payed for things. I rather he did something really romantic with me, that cost no money at all, than payed for a fancy restaurant. Really, no doubt.

 

I just dont actually want someone new. He has always been my best friend, and I love him and I want to be in love with him again. I want him to go to the gym with me, I want him to go out and do fun things with me.

 

You seem to be exhibiting all the traits of someone who's just not in love. I'm being very real and honest with you. You want the fairytale. You're just not living one. You're calling this love but it really isn't. You're dependent on him for your happiness and you're hinging your happiness/fairytale-like existence on him changing who he is as a person because you're so deeply insecure about yourself and unable to support yourself at this time.

 

The more you continue to believe this person is your entire world and yet have these divided thoughts, the more you will lose yourself. The division will unravel you and this relationship all on its own.

 

You've already lost your autonomy and independence and forfeited your ability to choose. You've even lost your "best friend". Is he your best friend? It doesn't sound like it to me. You're clinging to that idea of love and the concept of him being your "best friend" and yet you can't even stand his physique or his dull interests. His interests appear dull and pointless to you: eating junk food, playing games, growing manboobs and so on. I am genuinely curious how you view friendships to begin with if this is how you truly regard your best friend.

 

Speaking about this in depth might help but both of you will have to take each other seriously and respect each other's words, ideas, thoughts and feelings.

 

Have you sat down and spoken with him about all this or had a heart to heart as a couple? Have either of you talked about your future together? I'm asking as the relationship itself seems directionless and without purpose.

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You are wasting your life with this guy. He's who he is, a chubby couch potato who seems to be ok with himself. You are sponging off of him because you dont have a real job. This is not love, not even close. He may be a guy who you get along with for the most part, but he is not a partner in life.

 

Time to end this charade and move on, grow up, learn to take care of yourself. It's fine being a dancer and good for you to have a passion but it's time to wake up and see that time is marching on, no matter how young you are. You want more than this guy is giving you. Stop taking advantage of him and learn to grow and expand your own horizons.

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All you like about him is his money. But you're fine with that. He doesn't have to fix your "existential crisis and deep misery". Just go shopping, spend all his money and you'll be fine.

Has a bit of a beer belly and pretty much as much boobs as I do. (im a B cup hehe) .he kinda drags me down a little bit to his lethargic sedentary lifestyle that I hate. He is always on the computer, his phone, the tv or playing a video game.
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It's normal to want a guy who is attractive (in shape) and romantic.

 

You could always try withholding sex or threatening to leave, but you might loose your fortune that way.

 

Money is not enough. The golddiggers have it wrong. Relationships take work, and the only worthwhile payment is true love.

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It's normal to want a guy who is attractive (in shape) and romantic.

 

You could always try withholding sex or threatening to leave, but you might loose your fortune that way.

 

Money is not enough. The golddiggers have it wrong. Relationships take work, and the only worthwhile payment is true love.

 

Well put.

 

He is who he is, and has zero desire to change anything he is doing right now, and why should he? He has you exactly where he wants you... completely dependent on him financially and fearful of saying anything or you will lose your cash cow.

 

Personally I think he is using you just as much as you are using him... him for sex and some high quality arm candy, you for money.

 

Yes it’s entirely possible to have romance in real life, however the only way you will find the romance and compatibility you want is if you make that a high priority in your search for a relationship.

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I understand where you are coming from- I have been married for a long time and have felt similar things- I like to keep myself fit, love going to the gym, love to dance, watch what I eat, and my husband unfortunately does not share these things with me. I didn’t find him attractive for a long time, and we also don’t share a lot of similar interests - I liked going out sometimes and he never wanted to. He is also a wonderful, generous and kind person and I felt guilty for not finding him attractive. I begged and pleaded with him to lose weight/ go to the gym, but he didn’t: I knew I wanted more- I wanted passion. I felt terribly trapped as, if I am honest,I was too scared to leave, for many reasons, including breaking up the family and also financially. Instead of leaving I had an affair with a man who I had passion with but who did not treat me well. I am not proud of this and it has ended up only hurting me (and would devastate my husband if he knew) and making me feel even more trapped as I have not actually left the situation that was making me feel trapped in the first place but instead have to deal with the terrible guilt as well.

 

I am telling you all this because you can’t make anyone else change for you, and if you don’t leave the situation that isn’t making you happy, you could well end up seeking what is missing anyway, which will make you feel so much worse and will hurt the man you are with more, believe me.

 

If you want something different, you have to do things differently. Get a job that pays the bills and gives you the confidence to know you don’t depend on anyone else, still maintain your fitness, and then when you are where you want to be, you will find what you are looking for. Until then, you won’t. I really believe this is how life works.

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You love him, but you have no respect for him. That's not love -- you are just used to him.

SOmetimes we fall in love with someone who is unlike anyone else we have dated physical appearance-wise, but you are not in love. His body grosses you out and you don't have any shared interests. you think how he spends his time (except showering you with gifts) is a waste.

 

The most loving thing you can do is leave = let him find a woman who actually is in love with him.

Get a few other women your age as roommates until you can afford a place on your own.

But get a job now. Transition towards a breakup. As soon as you get your second paycheck, look for a place to live

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Get a few other women your age as roommates until you can afford a place on your own.

But get a job now.

 

Yes, exactly. This is how most decent women manage. They get their own job and get women roommates.

 

So much better than using men.

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