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The thing I’m really struggling with is why is this all coming up again now, what’s triggered it? Things have been good and we’ve been spending time together. Why is this old issue resurfacing now to body slam everything back down to earth again?

 

My best guess?

 

He is the one who has been unfaithful and is projecting, or he's met someone else and needs a "reason" to break up with you without admitting the truth.

 

An ex of mine behaved this way. He was a very manipulative person who at every turn seemed to be making accusations against me. After too much of that nonsense, I ended it (among other reasons, too) and I later discovered he was the one behaving badly when my head was turned. The ones who bark the most loudly about this type of thing are often the ones doing it themselves. They know what they get up to when you're not looking, and they have themselves convinced you must be doing it too.

 

In the end, the reason he's doing it isn't terribly important. What does matter is that he does this at all, and keeps you hidden. None of this is healthy, OP, and it's time you strongly consider ending it for good.

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Boltnrun - absolutely not, that’s the main reason I divorced his Dad. I didn’t want him growing up and using our relationship as a template for his future relationships.

He has just messaged to say he wanted a ‘clean slate’ when we got back together and feels I’m not telling him everything. He thinks I just got back with him because he was my only option. Not that I did, but even if I’d slept with 50 guys, I was single in that time period so I genuinely don’t understand the accusations.

 

The thing I’m really struggling with is why is this all coming up again now, what’s triggered it? Things have been good and we’ve been spending time together. Why is this old issue resurfacing now to body slam everything back down to earth again?

 

He’s making me feel like I cheated on him, like I’ve betrayed him and that nothing else in the 2 and a half years we’ve been together means anything

 

So why do this to your son? He WILL repeat the pattern. Think about what you'd want his future to be like versus what it will look like if you marry this man.

 

It doesn't really matter "why" this man is treating you badly. All that matters he is treating you badly, he seems to feel justified in treating you badly and (this is key) HE WILL NOT STOP. It's not like you'll find some magic formula or combination of words and actions that will suddenly make him say "OK, great! Everything's fine now and I will never bring it up or think about it again!!!"

 

You know that's not going to happen...right?

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Which may actually be part of her attraction. She admitted there is just something about him that keeps her hooked in. Unlike other men in the past.

 

He's "dangerous" and thus intriguing, he's got her under sort of a "spell" -- the power she has essentially rewarded him is exciting to her, will keep her hooked in and allow this extremely unhealthy dynamic to continue and thrive.

 

Just my take.

 

This is absolutely not the case, danger does not attract me. I was raped 16 years ago and the thought of rewarding any man with power makes me sick to my stomach. The reason I feel tied to him is that he has encouraged me to seek counselling to deal with it and is the first man since then that’s made me feel safe physically. I know that emotionally things are far from good and reading the comments on here I’m starting to feel like perhaps If he makes me feel safe, he knows I’m unlikely to want to risk going out into the big bad world because that’s not safe.

 

My ex husband played on it to his benefit, but I would never think my current fiancé would do it.

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The thing I’m really struggling with is why is this all coming up again now, what’s triggered it? Things have been good and we’ve been spending time together. Why is this old issue resurfacing now to body slam everything back down to earth again?
Have you noticed that when "things have been good" that there is alway something that makes them not good once again?

 

Girl... Listen to your gut. You know going forth with this guy will be hell for you and your son so just pull the plug now and stop trying to analyse his motives. He's not stable in his commitment to you. He's shown you that twice now so heed the facts.

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My best guess?

 

He is the one who has been unfaithful and is projecting, or he's met someone else and needs a "reason" to break up with you without admitting the truth.

 

An ex of mine behaved this way. He was a very manipulative person who at every turn seemed to be making accusations against me. After too much of that nonsense, I ended it (among other reasons, too) and I later discovered he was the one behaving badly when my head was turned. The ones who bark the most loudly about this type of thing are often the ones doing it themselves. They know what they get up to when you're not looking, and they have themselves convinced you must be doing it too.

 

In the end, the reason he's doing it isn't terribly important. What does matter is that he does this at all, and keeps you hidden. None of this is healthy, OP, and it's time you strongly consider ending it for good.

 

Since you already know he cheated on his ex wife this scenario is not all that hard to believe.

 

OP, why agree to marry a man you already had to break up with once because he wasn't treating you with respect (hiding you) and who you know has a history of cheating?

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So why do this to your son? He WILL repeat the pattern. Think about what you'd want his future to be like versus what it will look like if you marry this man.

 

It doesn't really matter "why" this man is treating you badly. All that matters he is treating you badly, he seems to feel justified in treating you badly and (this is key) HE WILL NOT STOP. It's not like you'll find some magic formula or combination of words and actions that will suddenly make him say "OK, great! Everything's fine now and I will never bring it up or think about it again!!!"

 

You know that's not going to happen...right?

 

Bingo........

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I agree with MissCanuck, as I hinted at in my earlier post. He’s up to something that is no good, knows it, and so he goes after you with accusations to make himself feel better. Whether that no good is him cheating or him just not being authentically in this—which he isn’t—doesn’t really matter. What matters is he’s making you the enemy to avoid having to look at himself in the mirror.

 

You’re engaged and his kid and ex don’t know this? C’mon. I understand that all that is sensitive—as both a child of divorce and the partner of someone with a child—but that’s just absurd. It’s being a bad partner, a bad parent, a human of lousy character.

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My best guess?

 

He is the one who has been unfaithful and is projecting, or he's met someone else and needs a "reason" to break up with you without admitting the truth.

 

An ex of mine behaved this way. He was a very manipulative person who at every turn seemed to be making accusations against me. After too much of that nonsense, I ended it (among other reasons, too) and I later discovered he was the one behaving badly when my head was turned. The ones who bark the most loudly about this type of thing are often the ones doing it themselves.

 

Had the same experience with an ex and as you said... he was the one who accused me of everything he was the one doing behind my back.

 

Probably why I wanted to be single for a very long time after the break up... Weirdpotato, if you can't love yourself enough to cut this man from your life, then please think about your son. People like your fiancé are cowards, manipulators and self-seeking. Instead of owning up to his role in why your relationship have issues (due to you being kept a secret) he wants to find countless things to pinned you down for.

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This man is bad news, abusive, manipulative, and dishonest.

 

Please tell me; how are you to be a stepmother and participate in raising his child, when this child has no idea who you are?? He does not know who this older stepbrother is? Do you plan to maintain separate residences so that no one knows you're actually married and you're basically just fluff when and if this so-called man decides to get around to you? Are you to hide your and your child's belongings every-other-weekend and you and your 8-year-old will have to have some other place else to sleep when the 5-year-old comes over? You and your child won't be provided for financially because you're this hidden secret?

 

Is this who you want as a father figure for your child?

 

As a general rule, boys who grow up in abusive households grow up to be abusers, and girls who grow up in abusive households grow up to be victims of abuse. Is this how you want to raise your boy? Is this really how you want to live your life?

 

It's time to call a turd a turd throw it away.

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I’ve woken up this morning to a message from him saying that ‘until we can facilitate living together in our own home’ he can’t come round to my house anymore because it conjures up too many bad images.

 

So basically things are , but let’s get rid of my last bit of security..the home my son has grown up in, and the one I pay for by myself. Let’s jump in to selling both our houses and get a joint mortgage on the off chance it fixes everything.

 

I had always thought we’d live together here for a bit first before getting to the point of selling houses. I needed my son to get used to him being around before I uprooted him and moved in to a different house with a different dynamic.

 

I know this is ending, but it hurts like hell

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I’ve woken up this morning to a message from him saying that ‘until we can facilitate living together in our own home’ he can’t come round to my house anymore because it conjures up too many bad images.

 

So basically things are , but let’s get rid of my last bit of security..the home my son has grown up in, and the one I pay for by myself. Let’s jump in to selling both our houses and get a joint mortgage on the off chance it fixes everything.

 

I had always thought we’d live together here for a bit first before getting to the point of selling houses. I needed my son to get used to him being around before I uprooted him and moved in to a different house with a different dynamic.

 

I know this is ending, but it hurts like hell

 

You've always fallen all over yourself to do whatever he wants just to keep him, so he figures you do this for him too. He probably tells people he can get you to do whatever he says.

 

You do know if you bow down and get rid of your home for him, he'll just demand you do something else.

 

How does your future with him look now? A lifetime of loving happiness and respect? Or more like more of what's happening now?

 

Realistically, if you marry him this is how your life will be. Also your son's.

 

Side note, did you bring that coworker to your home to kiss him? I don't get why selling your home would be a requirement. Except to demonstrate his control over you, of course.

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Side note, did you bring that coworker to your home to kiss him? I don't get why selling your home would be a requirement. Except to demonstrate his control over you, of course.

 

Absolutely. It's more than that, though. This is to derail her, and remove one other stable part of her life (I'm sure friends and family are already separating), and place her in a financial state of dependency and another means of control. He will withhold finances, and may even acquire debt of which she will have to contend with. Abusers remove all forms of stability and support system first, and it's a slow boil. She hardly notices it right now. She moved departments and switched jobs already because of him.

 

OP, please read, "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. It addresses some of the more subtle forms of abuse (yours is less subtle). Mine was a "Water Torturer" (one of the personality descriptions in the book).

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I’ve woken up this morning to a message from him saying that ‘until we can facilitate living together in our own home’ he can’t come round to my house anymore because it conjures up too many bad images.

 

Here's your out! Sorry it hurts, but grab hold of it. Use this opportunity to fade out of his life.

 

That whole thing you were saying about things being really good when they are good--that's part of the cycle you're in. Those highs and lows are what keep people hooked on abusive relationships. The lows are crushing, and they make the highs feel greater than what they actually are. It's like an addiction.

 

You have to figure out how to feel ok with stability. You have to learn to feel ok without these high/low swings in your life.

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I was raped 16 years ago and the thought of rewarding any man with power makes me sick to my stomach.

 

 

Firstly, my previous post was not in judgment of you.

 

Second, I am sorry for what happened to you 16 years ago. I can relate as I was also sexually assaulted years ago.

 

Thirdly, this is deep stuff; you may not realize it, but there is a correlation between your being sexually assaulted and your unhealthy attraction to this man who is emotionally "assaulting" you.

 

This man is bad news, abusive, manipulative, and dishonest.

 

I've been there, it took me a very long time (years) to realize and understand the correlation, and disconnect emotionally.

 

Are you or have you been in any sort of therapy to deal with the rape?

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I’ve woken up this morning to a message from him saying that ‘until we can facilitate living together in our own home’ he can’t come round to my house anymore because it conjures up too many bad images.

 

So basically things are , but let’s get rid of my last bit of security..the home my son has grown up in, and the one I pay for by myself. Let’s jump in to selling both our houses and get a joint mortgage on the off chance it fixes everything.

 

I had always thought we’d live together here for a bit first before getting to the point of selling houses. I needed my son to get used to him being around before I uprooted him and moved in to a different house with a different dynamic.

 

I know this is ending, but it hurts like hell

 

Yup. He wants you to give up everything that is rightfully yours.

But WOW -- he is a coward if he leaves a message like this instead of speaking in person.

Bad images of what? Bad images of you having a backbone.

 

I never advocate breakig up in a text or voicemail - but he has given you the opening. Since he said something major in a message - I'd say something major in a message.

"Sorry, I am not selling my home, and I am not coming over. So it looks like we are done. Please don't contact me again. I will be sending the ring back by certified mail".

(if you do have an engagement ring)

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Him: "until we can facilitate living together in our own home I can’t come round to your house anymore because it conjures up too many bad images"

 

You: "Well that settles it then, I hope you have a pleasant life. Please don't contact me again."

 

Then you block and delete him so he can't dazzle you with his science a moment longer, you take the time to heal and get therapy to help you with that if need be. You and your son carry on with you being the good mother and provider for him that you are. There is a good man worth being with out there for you but you will never find him if you keep on enabling the turd to distract you from finding him.

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I'd say something major in a message.

"Sorry, I am not selling my home, and I am not coming over. So it looks like we are done. Please don't contact me again. I will be sending the ring back by certified mail".

(if you do have an engagement ring)

 

You: "Well that settles it then, I hope you have a pleasant life. Please don't contact me again."

 

Just speaking for myself here, but I wouldn't even respond at this point. I'd just fade. And here's the reason: responding will just spark another debate. Then you'll be drawn back into the dynamic.

 

I dealt with a guy like this years ago. To put it most simply, everything became a debate about how his actions were right, and my actions were wrong. And if he did do something wrong, I had no right to complain because I wouldn't commit to being his girlfriend. There was no room in his mind for "Why would I commit to being your girlfriend when you do these questionable things?" That space just wasn't there in his brain.

 

Granted, this was a very brief relationship. We didn't date much longer than two months. But it took six months to get rid of him because every time I made an effort to thoughtfully respond to his challenges, he invariably tried to twist things back into this situation where he was right and I was wrong.

 

It was actually scary because I realized I'd become involved with an abuser and that he thrived off of these conflicts. So, instead of engaging him when he texted or emailed, I'd respond with very brief but friendly statements. And you know what happened? He gave up. He found no more fuel with me and moved on to better prospects.

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Just speaking for myself here, but I wouldn't even respond at this point. I'd just fade. And here's the reason: responding will just spark another debate. Then you'll be drawn back into the dynamic.

.

 

Good point!

Saying "until x happens, i am not doing x" in his message could be construed as "its over unless you do something".

 

So therefore, i could stand behind simply not calling him again.

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Him: "until we can facilitate living together in our own home I can’t come round to your house anymore because it conjures up too many bad images"

 

You: "Well that settles it then, I hope you have a pleasant life. Please don't contact me again."

 

Then you block and delete him so he can't dazzle you with his science a moment longer, you take the time to heal and get therapy to help you with that if need be. You and your son carry on with you being the good mother and provider for him that you are. There is a good man worth being with out there for you but you will never find him if you keep on enabling the turd to distract you from finding him.

 

Yes of course she should say this but sadly I don't think she will.

 

OP, I do think therapy is a great idea, not only to emotionally disconnect from him, but also to determine why you found/find yourself so drawn to him, unlike any man before him (your words), in the first place.

 

To echo my last post, it is very much related to the abuse/rape you experienced in the past, and until you deal with that, these intense, addictive, unhealthy attractions to manipulative and controlling men will continue.

 

I do hope you're able find the strength to leave this extremely toxic situation soon, not only for yourself, but also for your son.

 

Best of luck.

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He thinks I just got back with him because he was my only option.

 

Deflection. This is how he thinks about you. Hence why he didn't get any action while he tried when you were apart.

 

The one for you wants you to be in his life 100% with their kids, families, and friends.

 

Don't marry him. You will be miserable. Dump, da-da, dump him.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Ok, so a bit of an update. He went to see a counsellor (my counsellor) to try and ‘process’ and move on from these images in his head and said he wanted to move forward and it would just take time to process so I did my usual and agreed to do whatever it takes.

 

Since then he has accessed my phone again and read all my messages. I’ve nothing to hide so not worried about that side of it, but the fact he’s done this again says so much. There was a message from a male friend on my phone asking how I was because I’d not been in contact for a while (because fiancé said he wasn’t happy about me contacting him) and I replied with a brief message just saying all was fine. I’ve been going through a tough time recently and have verbalised a few times that I could do with some support but none is given, it’s just a constant push of how he’s struggling to deal with all this and process it, and how I should understand his insecurities. I asked him straight out what he wanted and his answer ‘you know what I want, but I need you to be upfront’ he said I should have told him about the message when it happened. He asked if I’d heard from him again and I said yes, then it blew up again.

 

August is a ty month for me as it’s the anniversary of the rape and we were due to go away for the weekend next weekend and closer to the date and he messaged last night to say he’s cancelling them because of everything that’s going on. I said I’d get the tickets back to him so he could try and sell them and did he want the engagement ring back too. To which he replied ‘if that’s where your heads at’ Like it’s me creating the issues and being in control!

 

I can see that this is controlling, but he has done a very good job making me think this is all my fault. My friends and family hate him but that’s because I’ve told them things he’s done and I shouldn’t have because in his mind I’ve just made it harder for him.

 

I need to end this, I can’t keep going in this cycle and to be honest it feels like he’s pushing so I do end it and he can be the wounded party that everyone feels sorry for ‘she’s dumped me again, it was out the blue and I don't understand it’

 

How do I deal with the fall out from this, if it’s anything like last time he’ll call/text/email/send flowers. He’ll show up at my door as a broken man saying how much he loves me and how he can’t understand, he’ll say all the things I would kill for him to say just now. How do I keep strong through that?

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