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BF Wants Break due to Stress


glittergirl2
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Yeah, she hasn't been back since the day she posted.

 

I do agree that if her BF would have appreciated small help (food, laundry) he wouldn't have asked for a "break"and cried.

 

But that’s one side of the story. We also don’t know if she was adding to his stress.

 

My BF at the time insisted I go to his place after work (an hour away) while he played video games. I wasn’t mature enough to say no, but he contributed to my stress a lot.

 

I’m not saying my POV is right - just want to remind others that it’s possible. It wouldn’t have been immature in my case to ask for a break - frankly, it would’ve been more mature - because I was so stressed and my bf at the time added to it. But I was so overwhelmed that I couldn’t think clearly.

 

I’m just saying it’s good to consider the possibilities.

 

Here’s a story from stress: one time I was looking for my Fitbit charger. I couldn’t find it. I was in the midst of 80-100 hour work weeks. My bf asked what was wrong and I started SOBBING.

 

Clearly the Fitbit wasn’t the main issue. I’m just saying stress manifests itself in weird ways, especially in people who haven’t had to cope with it.

 

And no, anyone who says “everyone experiences that stress and needs to work through it” is naive - a 50 hour work week is enough to stress most people, let alone working 6 am - midnight. So that’s why I keep pushing my POV. I’ve done it and it sucks, so if the OP’s bf is stressed like this, I just want this perspective considered.

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But that’s one side of the story. We also don’t know if she was adding to his stress.

 

My BF at the time insisted I go to his place after work (an hour away) while he played video games. I wasn’t mature enough to say no, but he contributed to my stress a lot.

 

I’m not saying my POV is right - just want to remind others that it’s possible. It wouldn’t have been immature in my case to ask for a break - frankly, it would’ve been more mature - because I was so stressed and my bf at the time added to it. But I was so overwhelmed that I couldn’t think clearly.

 

I’m just saying it’s good to consider the possibilities.

 

Here’s a story from stress: one time I was looking for my Fitbit charger. I couldn’t find it. I was in the midst of 80-100 hour work weeks. My bf asked what was wrong and I started SOBBING.

 

Clearly the Fitbit wasn’t the main issue. I’m just saying stress manifests itself in weird ways, especially in people who haven’t had to cope with it.

 

And no, anyone who says “everyone experiences that stress and needs to work through it” is naive - a 50 hour work week is enough to stress most people, let alone working 6 am - midnight. So that’s why I keep pushing my POV. I’ve done it and it sucks, so if the OP’s bf is stressed like this, I just want this perspective considered.

 

I had the same experience except I broke down finally over a snarky waiter (I cried/sobbed in the bathroom when we got home). The difference was I didn't ask for a break and not to see my boyfriend. I stayed the course with him. Had I needed temporary space, a night away, a day, days, sure -or if I felt he didn't get it (in that case, he did!) I would have told him so and talked it out -while staying in the relationship, not asking for break from the relationship, just a break for me time. There's a difference and to me significant -he asked her for a break from the relationship with the whole "I can't give you what you need" -self-serving stuff. Rather than "I need a break to regroup and get my laundry done, breathe - I'll see you on ____ or maybe before."

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I had the same experience except I broke down finally over a snarky waiter (I cried/sobbed in the bathroom when we got home). The difference was I didn't ask for a break and not to see my boyfriend. I stayed the course with him. Had I needed temporary space, a night away, a day, days, sure -or if I felt he didn't get it (in that case, he did!) I would have told him so and talked it out -while staying in the relationship, not asking for break from the relationship, just a break for me time. There's a difference and to me significant -he asked her for a break from the relationship with the whole "I can't give you what you need" -self-serving stuff. Rather than "I need a break to regroup and get my laundry done, breathe - I'll see you on ____ or maybe before."

 

I agree with you. I’m not saying he’s faultless (if this stress scenario is the truth in his case). Just that he may not handle it well, so offering up some help may reveal what’s really going on.

 

I was wondering if you had had a similar experience! I’ve seen your posts about working hard in your younger days so I figured you might.

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OP obviously has no intent to follow-up. If the guy's legit working 17-hours, I have no reason to assume he's looking to bang anyone in the broom closet in the meantime. That's why knowing exactly what this guy meant as a "break" mattered to me. If it was literally "we're not going to be a couple / I'll be a free agent for this next month," then again, no real positive way I could begin to spin it. If it's a matter of him still being committed to her but wanting a "break" from being beholden to reliably communicating and meeting with her at the level she's expecting during this crunch-time, then I'd argue there's more room for reflection on whether he can't properly function / is in the wrong relationship or if the OP can't indeed scale back and approach her expectations more healthily to better facilitate him doing the same.

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I agree with you. I’m not saying he’s faultless (if this stress scenario is the truth in his case). Just that he may not handle it well, so offering up some help may reveal what’s really going on.

 

I was wondering if you had had a similar experience! I’ve seen your posts about working hard in your younger days so I figured you might.

 

Yes, I agree that she should follow up as you suggested kind of like "look, can I help you in some way -do you just want space or do you truly want a break from this relationship"

 

Yes I went through this quite a bit in the 15 years I did this kind of grueling schedule so I wasn't much younger - 42! -when I stopped. It did get easier when I adjusted more, came up with ways to decrease stress but yes it helped to be involved seriously with people going through the same thing -despite it meaning we both had crazy schedules. And at least these days my crazy schedule includes my childcare stuff but at least my husband is right there with me in the thick of it.

 

So yes I get what you are saying, totally.

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Chiming in one last time to say I understand what MLD and j.man are saying.

 

But, I think any time a man (or woman) uses the words "needs a break" it automatically denotes wanting a break from the relationship.

 

He may not have meant that, perhaps MLD and j.man are right, it's possible he simply meant he needs some space, from the pressure of her expectations or whatever, not a temp "break up."

 

That said, if he meant just some space, telling OP he wants a "break" and "can't give her what she needs" is an extremely poor choice of words imo knowing how those words could be, and often are, interpreted.

 

That said, it would be very helpful if OP would return and share more thoughts about their relationship, prior to him telling her this. And how things stand now.

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Also, just clarifying I never thought he asked for this break to chase a bunch of other women.

 

My initial thought was that it's possible there is one woman, a new woman he met on the new job, he has set his eyes on.

 

And wanted to be free to pursue her.

 

If it didn't work out, he would still have OP to fall back on.

 

I still think that's possible but it's impossible to know for sure unless OP returns.

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They are two different things.

Breaking up a relationship - Or the time needed to dedicate to his demanding schedule.

 

Heck, I was married to someone who worked 24 shifts and instead of wanting a break, he married me.

 

I have work projects that take me out of my city, where I work long stressful hours and barely have time for a phone call. And I don't need to take a break from my boyfriend to do it.

 

No one asked the poster how supportive she was. Maybe that's what motivated him to want a break?

 

I dated someone years ago that couldn't handle that I had to work all through the night for days a time, sometimes. We aren't together anymore.

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But who knows! We know nothing about their relationship prior to this, how long they have been dating etc and the OP seems to have left the building so we will most likely never know.

 

Dated for about 8 months prior to this. We are in mid20s/early 30s. Relationship was pretty good prior to this. We both work in small, white-collar industries where dating someone at the office would be pretty taboo and damaging to one's career.

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Why would you "freak out" at a guy who just got done working 17 hours??

 

If you don't see them for an entire weekend even when offering to help with household stuff, etc.

 

I have had similar periods where I work a lot and have almost no time, but have a very different communication style and still would want to see him

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If you don't see them for an entire weekend even when offering to help with household stuff, etc.

 

I have had similar periods where I work a lot and have almost no time, but have a very different communication style and still would want to see him

 

My suggestion having been in your boyfriend's shoes. Date someone who works typical hour with very little if any evening or weekend hour. Do you live together? Yes he should keep his promises and yes in his kind of job work deadlines and crises likely creep up suddenly so holding him to household tasks makes little sense to me. Maybe hire someone?

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For your sake, don't get down-graded to friends with benefits. He needs to make his new situation at work fit in with you too. If he can't, then maybe he actually has no time for a girlfriend and you should move on.

 

If you want to give him a bit more time to figure things out do, but don't wait too long.

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If you don't see them for an entire weekend even when offering to help with household stuff, etc.

 

I have had similar periods where I work a lot and have almost no time, but have a very different communication style and still would want to see him

 

Did he explain that he would be working brutal hours for a while?

 

If so, and you chose to "freak out" at not seeing him for two days, I understand why he needed this "break".

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Yikes don't do this . You're not his mom. If he says he's "too busy", it means he doesn't want company or to see you. It doesn't mean run over and do his laundry. Consider that he is tiptoeing out of the relationship for whatever reason. Also if he met someone at work he will be "busy" a lot. Try no contact to reflect and clear your head..

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Yikes don't do this . You're not his mom. If he says he's "too busy", it means he doesn't want company or to see you. It doesn't mean run over and do his laundry. Consider that he is tiptoeing out of the relationship for whatever reason. Also if he met someone at work he will be "busy" a lot. Try no contact to reflect and clear your head..

 

Lol! Yes indeed!

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I understand that you felt rejected when he didn't want to see you, OP.

 

However, the way you handled your disappointment and hurt (by "freaking out") didn't help matters. It sounds like you struggle to accept that he has different needs than you do, so you take it very personally when he wants time on his own. You made it about you when it wasn't necessarily about you at all. If this has happened with some frequency, or if (as a few others have wondered here) he has met someone else at work, then this break was brewing for a little while. It sounds like the resentment was percolating on both sides here.

 

In any case, it might be time for you to decide if this relationship is really what you want. It doesn't sound as though you are very happy anymore either, so perhaps this time apart will bring clarity for you too. I would not reach out to him. He knows where you are if he wants to talk.

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We've been talking somewhat (I never initiate). He has felt really sad (crying a lot) the last few days because he misses me, thinks he may have made a mistake with me and regrets taking this new job. Also said he feels upset that he doesn't know what he wants. That made me feel really concerned and hopeless.

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We've been talking somewhat (I never initiate). He has felt really sad (crying a lot) the last few days because he misses me, thinks he may have made a mistake with me and regrets taking this new job. Also said he feels upset that he doesn't know what he wants. That made me feel really concerned and hopeless.

 

Frankly he sounds like a "commitment phobe," they are notorious for not knowing what they want and crying a lot, often times when it doesn't even seem appropriate, like here.

 

Good luck though.

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To me it sounds like he's saying, for whatever reasons, he's not able to be in a committed relationship at this time. Sure, perhaps his meaning is "I need space," but as others have pointed out here what he said was "need a break, and we can hang out sometimes." That is a heck of a stronger statement than "I need a little space right now."

 

None of us can speculate why because we don't know. Maybe your freaking out at him created unnecessary stress during this hectic time and translated to him that he can't give you what you need and will be facing more and more months of tension between you two ahead if he doesn't take a step back. Maybe he wants to just focus on work without needing to check in with anyone. Maybe, regardless of the taboo, he did indeed meet someone and doesn't want the guilt of being tied down while having feelings for another person. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

 

The only thing that seems certain to me is this: He wants a break. You want to be together. If I were you I would communicate that you are unwilling to be in a casual relationship at this point and if he no longer wishes to be in a committed relationship with you then this is goodbye. Then go no contact so he can't confuse you with his tears about the situation. He's either in or out.

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