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BF Wants Break due to Stress


glittergirl2
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BF started a new job about a month ago that has heavier work hours and intensity. They have a big deadline next month and everyone on the team has been working 17+ hour days.

 

Since the job started, we have been spending less time together and talking less. Several days ago he told me (through a lot of tears)that he's been so overwhelmed with the increased hours and it adds to his stress that he isn't able to spend as much time with me or be there for me as much as I deserve. He wants to be on a break until the deadline is over, but still wants to talk and hang out when we are able.

 

Not sure how to best proceed. I am definitely focusing on living my own life and not focusing on him. I just don't know if this is even worth my energy to consider at all. It's been really hard

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Your boyfriend doesn’t make sense by saying he wants to spend time with you but is too stressed to be in a relationship.

 

I don’t understand his rationale. Unless you want something casual I say go for it.

 

 

If you want someone more invested who doesn’t make excuses no matter how busy they get. Tell that boyfriend the break needs to be a break up!

 

You deserve better!

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Agree, his rationale for this break makes absolutely zero sense.

 

I would translate his need for a "break" to mean he has met a new woman at this new job, and he wants to explore things with her.

 

If they don't work out, he has you to fall back on.

 

The tears give it away, at least for me. They're guilt tears.

 

If this were me, I would wish him well on the new job, but that I have chosen to move on.

 

Bye.

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Agree, his rationale for this break makes absolutely zero sense.

 

I would translate his need for a "break" to mean he has met a new woman at this new job, and he wants to explore things with her.

 

If they don't work out, he has you to fall back on.

 

The tears give it away, at least for me. They're guilt tears.

 

If this were me, I would wish him well on the new job, but that I have chosen to move on.

 

Bye.

 

This.

You don’t end a relationship (or break from it) because you’re busy or stressed. You expect your partner to support you and work through difficult times. I mean can you imagine every time he has a stressful week at work, you have to expect a “break”

 

He is 100 percent interested in someone new and wants to explore it, but doesn’t want to lose you entirely Incase it doesn’t work out.

 

You deserve better

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I wouldn't assume "break" to mean anything other than what he's asked for. Has he said he wants a break from being in a relationship with you? Or are you perhaps complaining about a lack of attention during these 17+ hour days and he's essentially asking for a break from these expectations? It can be difficult to discern whether he's someone who simply can't cut it when the going gets tough or whether your expectations may be unreasonable.

 

There's a big difference in whether he wants a break from the relationship altogether, as in he wants to free himself of any strings and technically be free to date who'd he like, and then him not wanting to be beholden to, for example, calling you or texting as often as you'd like or expect. The former would be difficult for me to spin positively even with my best efforts.

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So here is when you learn what your relationship is made of. I've been where your boyfriend is with respect to work stress. And I literally couldn't see my boyfriend as much - there are only 24 hours in a day. And I was ridiculously stressed -I remember losing it at a restaurant because a waiter looked at me sideways- just a bundle of nerves. Yes it put a strain on things and yes we had dates which consisted of my boyfriend bringing take out food to my office and we'd have "dinner" for 20 minutes. But it never would have occurred to me to go on a break or break up - I mean those are the times you have each other to get through those rough times.

 

Sure, if I'd just met someone new at that particular time I likely would have told the person that I wanted to go on a date as soon as possible but work was going to get in the way for the next period of time. But if you already are a couple you stick it out. If you don't that's fine but it just tells me there's more than just "too busy".

 

I'm sorry.

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. He wants to be on a break until the deadline is over, but still wants to talk and hang out when we are able.

 

 

See this^ is what makes no sense and why I believe he's met a new woman on the new job.

 

If he has time to talk and hang out apparently as "friends" since you're on a break, why can he not hang out and talk whenever he's able as your "boyfriend"?

 

Why the break?

 

Sometimes you just gotta use common sense!

 

The reason is because he wants to be free to date this new woman; she most likely wouldn't agree to go out with him while he was in a relationship with you.

 

So he uses the ole "needs a break" (translation: temporary break up) so he's free to pursue her.

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Ehhhh. I get the stress thing. OP, I bet he just feels pressure from work AND you AND whatever else and he’s trying to eliminate some form of pressure. Try and do small, quick things to improve his life - like offer to do his laundry, grocery shop, or meal prep. When I was working 15-18 hour days, if my then boyfriend had offered that, it would’ve alleviated a lot of stress.

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Did he met someone at work? The crocodile tears, the guilt, the "it's me,not you", "can't give you what you deserve','take a break but still hang out'.

 

If this were about work he would simply explain that he is overwhelmed/busy and you'll spend more time later. Instead he wants to quasi break up and demote you to fwb..

Several days ago he told me (through a lot of tears)that he's been so overwhelmed with the increased hours and it adds to his stress that he isn't able to spend as much time with me or be there for me as much as I deserve. He wants to be on a break until the deadline is over, but still wants to talk and hang out when we are able.
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BF started a new job about a month ago that has heavier work hours and intensity. They have a big deadline next month and everyone on the team has been working 17+ hour days.

 

Since the job started, we have been spending less time together and talking less. Several days ago he told me (through a lot of tears)that he's been so overwhelmed with the increased hours and it adds to his stress that he isn't able to spend as much time with me or be there for me as much as I deserve. He wants to be on a break until the deadline is over, but still wants to talk and hang out when we are able.

 

Not sure how to best proceed. I am definitely focusing on living my own life and not focusing on him. I just don't know if this is even worth my energy to consider at all. It's been really hard

 

Yeah, that's quite conflicting. My immediate thought is, those tears? It's not due to stress but guilt. I have very little doubt in my mind that he doesn't have someone on the side. He wants to take a break but still wants to hang out and talk? Does that really not defeat the purpose of a break? That sounds more like "Well it's ok to sleep with another woman because we were on a break." Chances are, its with a woman that works with or under him who might also be under the deadline.

 

It doesn't look like the both of you are that close anyway, judging by the last line of your post. I am sure you will get over it quick enough.

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Break up with him. Something tells me he's going to have a massive shift in his schedule once you do and he'll be calling or texting all the time once you're gone.

 

I had a similar situation with a girl about a year ago. We've been dating about three months and all of a sudden she started working 15 hour days. She was never available on weekends and so therefore I stopped dating her. She was "amazed that I could make such a decision". I didn't know if she was seeing someone else or whatever. However, I had neither the time or the inclination to find out the hard way.

 

So I left. It was easy and I don't regret it. Neither will you.

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Best case scenario: he perceives you as another stressor that he wants to eliminate. He sees you as part of the problem instead of as part of the solution. What does that say about your relationship? Imo, it indicates that he doesn't view you as someone he wants to spend all the rest of his life with.

 

Worst case scenario: he has spotted someone new and is looking to monkey branch.

 

Only you know the dynamics of your relationship and whether you have contributed to getting here. However, upon hearing such bs my instinct would be to break up for good on the grounds of being with someone who doesn't view me as the one. Being seen as a stressor in need of elimination is a huge red flag imo.

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Best case scenario: he perceives you as another stressor that he wants to eliminate. He sees you as part of the problem instead of as part of the solution. What does that say about your relationship? Imo, it indicates that he doesn't view you as someone he wants to spend all the rest of his life with.

 

Worst case scenario: he has spotted someone new and is looking to monkey branch.

 

Only you know the dynamics of your relationship and whether you have contributed to getting here. However, upon hearing such bs my instinct would be to break up for good on the grounds of being with someone who doesn't view me as the one. Being seen as a stressor in need of elimination is a huge red flag imo.

 

I disagree. He may not know how to cope. I’ve been in that position, which is why I gave the advice I did: if she does small things to SIGNIFICANTLY reduce his stress, they will have a better chance of getting through this.

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I disagree. He may not know how to cope. I’ve been in that position, which is why I gave the advice I did: if she does small things to SIGNIFICANTLY reduce his stress, they will have a better chance of getting through this.

 

That's my opinion based on some personal experience of my own and I stand by it. Imo, rewarding such crappy behaviour is unlikely to end well for the OP. At best, he sounds too weak and quick to throw in the towel when the going gets tough and life is tough. Imo, anyone throwing their partner under the bus like that when stressed aren't worth the effort. If he doesn't know how to cope without hurting his partner then he is too immature to be in a serious relationship.

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Has he said he wants a break from being in a relationship with you? Or are you perhaps complaining about a lack of attention during these 17+ hour days and he's essentially asking for a break from these expectations? It can be difficult to discern whether he's someone who simply can't cut it when the going gets tough or whether your expectations may be unreasonable.

 

I have the same questions.

 

OP, can you clarify?

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That's my opinion based on some personal experience of my own and I stand by it. Imo, rewarding such crappy behaviour is unlikely to end well for the OP. At best, he sounds too weak and quick to throw in the towel when the going gets tough and life is tough. Imo, anyone throwing their partner under the bus like that when stressed aren't worth the effort. If he doesn't know how to cope without hurting his partner then he is too immature to be in a serious relationship.

 

I agree with this. If instead he said something like (as has happened to me in real life on both sides) "I am overwhelmed at work and I'm sorry but I need the day to myself just to regroup, take some me time- please don't take it personally" or "I know you want to go out Friday and Saturday nights but now I have to work Saturday and honestly I just want to watch a stupid show to distract and get my mind off things." Like that. Or expressing concern about how life is different now and you feel guilty about not spending time, etc and you talk about it and together come up with a plan or the other person can assure the person that it's all good.

 

About 26 years ago I was seriously dating someone who had just finished the same intense grad program I was immersed in. There was a strong storm one night and my boyfriend got stranded in the city (lived in the burbs) because he worked in the city. I had a huge exam a few days later and needed to buckle down and study -I was so so stressed! I lived with my parents and he asked if he could stay over (in my room ,yes my parents allowed this) - I said no - because I needed zero distractions and good sleep - and he had a place to go -he could crash at his friends. He was upset and yes I chose my work/studies over him but no I didn't throw in the towel and neither did he - he didn't get it since he didn't get as intense as I did about grad school but since we were a "we" we talked it out and all was ok (I would have paid for a hotel room for him if I had to, as well).

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if she does small things to SIGNIFICANTLY reduce his stress, they will have a better chance of getting through this.

 

I'm confused by this advice.

 

Temporary or not, he broke up with her.

 

But the suggestion is for her to do small things for him regardless, after he essentially dumped her?

 

Whether he wanted this "break" to pursue another women or not, her doing "anything" for him is what he's trying to get away from.

 

At least for now.

 

OP, if you are still reading, leave him alone. Don't do anything for him, if he wanted your help, he would have asked you for it or talked to you about it.

 

Not told you he wanted a break from you.

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I'm confused by this advice.

 

Temporary or not, he broke up with her.

 

But the suggestion is for her to do small things for him regardless, after he essentially dumped her?

 

Whether he wanted this "break" to pursue another women or not, her doing "anything" for him is what he's trying to get away from.

 

At least for now.

 

OP, if you are still reading, leave him alone. Don't do anything for him, if he wanted your help, he would have asked you for it or talked to you about it.

 

Not told you he wanted a break from you.

 

I didn’t think they actually broke up? I thought they just wanted a break?

 

My advice was based on when I was working 18 hour days too. If my boyfriend at the time had offered just one of those things, my quality of life would’ve improve significantly. I had considered asking for space or a break during that time - I struggled with juggling him, my regular life things (like laundry!) and working 18 hour days, 6 days a week.

 

I didn’t take a break or break up - but man. I ended up in urgent care one day from the stress.

 

 

So that’s where my advice comes from. It’s not just the STRESSED person who needs to cope. The other person should, in my opinion, help where possible. Otherwise, why should they remain together?

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BF started a new job about a month ago that has heavier work hours and intensity. They have a big deadline next month and everyone on the team has been working 17+ hour days.

 

Since the job started, we have been spending less time together and talking less. Several days ago he told me (through a lot of tears)that he's been so overwhelmed with the increased hours and it adds to his stress that he isn't able to spend as much time with me or be there for me as much as I deserve. He wants to be on a break until the deadline is over, but still wants to talk and hang out when we are able.

 

Not sure how to best proceed. I am definitely focusing on living my own life and not focusing on him. I just don't know if this is even worth my energy to consider at all. It's been really hard

 

Are you looking for a serious, long term, committed relationship? If yes, then I think you should cut ties here and move on to greener pastures. He is someone who thinks it is ok to put his relationships on hold just because life got a little tougher. That is not serious, long term, committed relationship material. I think it would suck for you if you ended up marrying someone like this.

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Honestly, let him go.

Everyone understands a crazy work schedule and seeing someone when you can.

To "take a break" and then still see someone doesn't make sense.

If he wants a break - give him one. Do not call him. But also do not wait for him. Spend time with friends and meet other people.

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I didn’t think they actually broke up? I thought they just wanted a break?

 

My advice was based on when I was working 18 hour days too. If my boyfriend at the time had offered just one of those things, my quality of life would’ve improve significantly. I had considered asking for space or a break during that time - I struggled with juggling him, my regular life things (like laundry!) and working 18 hour days, 6 days a week.

 

I didn’t take a break or break up - but man. I ended up in urgent care one day from the stress.

 

 

So that’s where my advice comes from. It’s not just the STRESSED person who needs to cope. The other person should, in my opinion, help where possible. Otherwise, why should they remain together?

 

Fair enough, and I would agree except for the fact OP's bf did ask for break.

 

Which I think to most people means temporary "break up" otherwise he would have simply told her he'd be very busy for the next few weeks and would not be able to spend much time with her.

 

And had that been what he did, I agree, her doing small things for him might help alleviate his stress.

 

Not crying telling her he needs a "break" (from her, the relationship)

 

Also consider the other facts. He just starts a new job where he is meeting new people - new women. Working closely together which tends to bond people.

 

Then very shortly after he's suddenly overloaded with all this work, 17 hour days, comes to her crying, and asks for this temporary break up.

 

Coincidence? Maybe, but my spiney senses tell me differently.

 

But who knows! We know nothing about their relationship prior to this, how long they have been dating etc and the OP seems to have left the building so we will most likely never know.

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