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Am I crazy? (please help me)


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My now wife had an affair for almost a year and I forgave her before the marriage ( I was no angel either however I wasn’t on the level of sleeping around) . Anyways I have recently found out that when she was in her affair phase she brought the guy to my home when I was out and God knows what truly happened even tho she says they just “made out” . I have said to her I want to move home and I will never be comfortable in this house or sitting on my chairs. Now I need some advice, am I overreacting because technically I have forgiven her , but I didn’t know anyone was in my home. I feel like my privacy has been violated and like some unknown man knows everything about me and I know nothing about him(not that I want to know) . I suffer from anxiety and depression ( which she downplays ) and this has me losing sleep I cannot rest in this house. I need a fresh start , please correct me if I’m wrong I just need help

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Are you getting professional help for your depression and anxiety? I think that it would do you good if you're not already getting therapy. It seems that your priorities are a tad mixed up in that you can get past the fact that he's been in her but you can't get past the fact that he's been in your home.

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Yes I am getting help/therapy but I’m on a waiting list which they are trying to push me forward, at the moment it’s only phone calls . And maybe my priorities are mixed up , I just don’t want anything to ever remind me of that point in time , now every time I have to enter my house it will be a constant reminder so I have no idea how I will get over this unless I leave this house.

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Yes I am getting help/therapy but I’m on a waiting list which they are trying to push me forward, at the moment it’s only phone calls . And maybe my priorities are mixed up , I just don’t want anything to ever remind me of that point in time , now every time I have to enter my house it will be a constant reminder so I have no idea how I will get over this unless I leave this house.
... and what goes through your mind every time you enter your wife? You didn't seem to need to leave her!
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Erm to be honest I still have trust issues that is tied in with the help I am seeking but I understand why she did what she did. The only thing I don’t understand is how she could bring this man in our home near our children , especially coz this guy turned out to be a psycho ( he wouldn’t give up on her literally ) .

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Some people move because they don’t like their kitchen. Lol! You don’t need a huge reason to want to move.

 

I don’t think it’s an unreasonable request to want to move - as long as there are no practical reasons preventing it (is: the kids would need to change schools, you can’t afford it, etc)

 

... but I do think you should frame it as a positive (ie: i want a fresh start) rather than a negative (ie: you are being punished for what you did)

 

Marriage counseling can help with this... but I actually think it’s a great idea.

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Oh yes I get you, I do say I want a fresh start because it is actually true and she agrees, but I don’t know if she feels she has a choice but to agree with me. One of my reoccurring nightmares is that this guy turns up at my house , it wouldn’t be impossible she had to change her number because he just wouldn’t get the messsge (he thought he owned her). So I just don’t want to have to worry about such things , she says he would never show up at the house but she also said he would never call or text her and then she had to block then change her number. Also because the nightmares and anxiety I can’t sleep much, but she expects me to lay with her and watch her sleep ,when I would rather go out to my mothers/friends and have some drinks and come back when I literally can’t stay up anymore. I think I do have a problem.

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I think you would do well to go to your family doctor while you are waiting to get into therapy. Perhaps he can give you a mild anti-anxiety med that will calm your mind and alleviate your paranoia. At this point, it sounds that even if you moved, you'd not be settled and calm.

 

Good luck, I hope you don't have much longer to wait until you are seeing someone to help you out of this thought process.

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You do have a problem in the sense that you are totally in denial just how badly this cheater has affected your life. It's not the house, it's the cheater you are with. Of course you have nightmares - it's normal. You may have forgiven her, but that doesn't mean that you condemn yourself to live in a nightmare. When she had a long term affair, she killed your relationship.

 

Time for you to face up to that truth, get rid of the cheater, give yourself a real fresh start and then you'll find that your nightmares and anxiety are gone. Anxiety is your body's way of telling you that you are in a sh$tty situation and you don't go to a shrink and start taking happy pills for that. You want a real cure? You want your life and sanity back? Get rid of the cheating wh...

 

Wake up man. Wake up.

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Erm the cheating hurt, even though like I said it was me that caused it ( long story) so I understand that. And I dont think a year affair is worth throwing away over 14 years. If I had the feeling she would do it again I would have ended it in a second. I think the real issue is she don’t take me serious. She had the nerve to say to me that I’m fine and her actions have had no long lasting effect on my mental state , because she has gotten over all of the horrible things I have said and done to her so I can do the same. So I feel I can’t ever being up when I’m feeling low or anxious to her coz she will get annoyed / upset or think I’m being” extra “ then it will end up me having to cheer her up. I know my problem with anxiety and depression is my problem and I have to deal with it myself, but I wish my wife was there for me more, like when I can’t get to sleep I wish she would stay up with me a bit and talk because I would definitely do that for her but I feel I’m just being to wimpy for her at the moment she isn’t impressed I feel.

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Sorry to hear this. Your marriage is haunted, not your house. You can move 15 times, but that will not improve things. You'll simply be taking the "nightmare" with you. You haven't forgiven anything and only marriage therapy can help. You need to take responsibility for marrying her anyway knowing this as well as stop blaming her for your anxiety/depression.

 

Continually punishing her for what you supposedly forgave is just an excuse to pummel her for your ongoing untreated "anxiety depression". Here are your choices. Get a full check up/treated for your issue. Get into marriage therapy and attempt to save things. Admit you're miserable and file for divorce. If you just want a new place, say so but don't make it about (both of your) indiscretions prior to marriage. That's like changing the tire when the engine is blown. You're not addressing the real issues.

Edited by Wiseman2
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So you lived together for thirteen years, then she had a year long affair which ended with a proposal/marriage?

 

If so, it sounds like a marriage for all the wrong reasons. (A non-marriage?)

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You keep saying that you understand the affair and "you caused it," etc. To be honest, even if you were the CAUSE of her being unfaithful, that isn't exactly any better - if anything what it shows is that your marriage is damaged at its core foundation. You've both been toxic to each other in the worst ways.

 

Frankly, I cannot imagine my husband doing anything that would push me to have an affair that I wouldn't already consider splitting up over first. That's an extreme and unhealthy reaction, and since you are unwilling to explain what it was you did that caused it (it's not necessary anyway), it seems like you are not totally willing to consider the reality that your relationship with her is extremely unhealthy and unstable and you need extensive help (therapy, perhaps a trial separation), before making any big decisions about what to do next.

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Erm the cheating hurt, even though like I said it was me that caused it ( long story) so I understand that. And I dont think a year affair is worth throwing away over 14 years. If I had the feeling she would do it again I would have ended it in a second. I think the real issue is she don’t take me serious. She had the nerve to say to me that I’m fine and her actions have had no long lasting effect on my mental state , because she has gotten over all of the horrible things I have said and done to her so I can do the same. So I feel I can’t ever being up when I’m feeling low or anxious to her coz she will get annoyed / upset or think I’m being” extra “ then it will end up me having to cheer her up. I know my problem with anxiety and depression is my problem and I have to deal with it myself, but I wish my wife was there for me more, like when I can’t get to sleep I wish she would stay up with me a bit and talk because I would definitely do that for her but I feel I’m just being to wimpy for her at the moment she isn’t impressed I feel.

This was not a one time thing. It was a year!

 

Nothing that you could ever do could excuse cheating! Nothing! Stop making excuses.

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I have recently found out that when she was in her affair phase she brought the guy to my home

 

How did you 'find out'?

 

In my book, the only thing worse than disloyalty is stupidity.

 

If I were ever manipulative enough to extract forgiveness from a partner after cheating on him, not once, but for a whole year, then I wouldn't be stupid enough to raise the subject after that--much less to tell him that I brought my lover to his home.

 

So do you believe that wife really that stupid, or is she just done and manipulating you to throw her out?

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Ok I will definitely get marriage help.l beucase I really do love her she is also my best friend and when I say I caused it I mean I . I told her repeatedly we are not together for months because I thought that would make her show me more attention ( stupid I know ) I put her down constantly and I’m ashamed of how I pushed her away. But yes , I don’t think leaving is an option for me beucase I simply don’t want to she is my best friend my life partner, I am very happy. I still don’t get why she couldn’t just deny a man being in the house lol . Why did she even have to admit to it. But I’m reading all replies guys and I’m very grateful for all words but I believe what I have is to good to throw away. I just need to deal with my problems and maybe I haven’t truly forgiven her who knows .

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Get rid of her!

 

She is completely disrespectful and she has virtually ruined your home as she has tainted it with bad thoughts and memories.

So bad in fact, that you can't be comfortable in your own house.

 

Life is too short for that garbage. You'd be doing yourself a favour by ending the relationship and moving on.

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So, if 14 years was so sacred to you, why was she willing to run to another man rather than to come to you and tell you that something is wrong?

 

You might have been a bad husband in terms of not paying enough attention, etc...but that will never be an excuse for any person to run to someone else and do what she did.

 

You can be upset at yourself for not being a good husband but be reasonable here, you in no way got her to be with this man nor did you push her to be.

 

She chose to go to another man as the answer to marriage problems.

 

There's something wrong with her.

 

If there were problems, she could have told you how bad it was. She could have threatened to leave you or even separated but in no way is it okay that she run to another man!!

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This is the thing I technically split from her even tho we was still living together , I told her repeatedly we ain’t together. And I could tell something was up because she was always going out and that made me act more horrible , I used to threaten to be with women all the time in attempt to get her attention ( yes it was extremely stupid) , but I was just craving her attention and didn’t wanna talk to her much. I expected her to talk to me and give me more attention if I treated her a certain way and “split” from her , but it didn’t work that way and she ended up going off. I actually agree though I still don’t understand how she could do it for so long because in no way would she act like we was separate even tho we technically was, but she always slept in my bed attempted to hold hands when out and allowed me to touch her in a flirtatious way. We also was sexual at times even tho it wasn’t often but it still happened , but she also suffers from depression and that was a very dark time in her life. All in all how we are now we talk about everything she is so open and honest I really feel she has learnt from her mistakes. That being said it’s like I have been scarred but I believe I can get over it. I don’t know if just leaving is easy beucase I don’t really want to do it . Do you think I feel forced to stay ?

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All of the things you were doing were the opposite of what you should have been doing to fix your situation.

 

Threatening, punishing, being plain out mean, none of those things are going to work. What it will do, is break down your relationship (as it did) and it will make her think you don't care or love her and your connection will become distant and toxic.

 

If there is a problem, you need to sit down, communicate what's wrong without blame or pointing fingers. Literally tell one another how something is making you feel or how you want to fix something in your relationship and try to talk it over in a calm manner that is respectful.

 

The picture here is starting to get a bit more clearer and to be honest, I think anyone would eventually believe you that things were over and that you were just living together for your children's sake.

 

The situation was confusing at the very least, painful at the worst.

 

I'm still not justifying her bringing the guy right to your house though. In no way was that okay, even if you had decided to go separate ways.

 

You both did wrong, you were both in the wrong and you both contributed to how things went.

 

I think if you're both willing to repair things now then you should both forgive one another and move forward.

You might want to consider marriage counselling as well as that could help quite a lot with your situation.

Edited by SherrySher
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  • 4 weeks later...

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