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My boyfriend and I have been together 9 months, and I have a worry I can't seem to shake. Here's some background:

 

Before we started dating he had a big crush on a girl he shared a flat with, but I assumed those feelings had subsided as we started getting closer. 3 months in to the relationship (since the first date) he went on a night out, had a lot to drink, and made a move on his old crush. By 'made a move' I mean danced with her and grabbed her butt. A couple days later, after debating whether to tell me or not, he told me about what happened. He assured me he didn't still like her and saw her as just a friend, he was just 'blackout drunk'. I was devastated, and we took a break over christmas. After the christmas break, I decided to give him another chance, accepting it as a mistake he'd made. We've been happily together since.

 

The reason I'm writing is because he recently drunkenly revealed to me that he did in fact still have feelings for her when the incident occured, and it was only over Christmas and when we got back together that he completely stopped liking her. This deeply hurt me, as I realised that the whole 3 months at the beginning of our relationship he'd liked her the whole time. He gave off the impression he was only interested in me, and asked me to be his girlfriend twice (which I replied I wanted to wait before an official label as he was the first guy I've dated and was unsure when to become 'official'). I feel betrayed and sick at the thought of him not caring about me enough at that point to allow him to make a move on his old crush, when he was the only one I was interested in.

 

Since then we have been great together, my friends all agree he is in love with me (which he says he is) and I do love him too. He has deleted her on all social media and is not in contact with her anymore (he's moved out from living with her now it's the end of the school year). The problem is I can't forget what he did, and I can't shake the feeling of betrayal and pain that he caused me. I love being with him, but don't know how to move on from these feelings, and I have a small worry that he may still like her. Back before the incident he said he only liked me and was loyal to me, which proved to not be true. How can I trust him when he says those things now?

 

Thanks, and sorry for the long post!

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He doesn't sound like bf material and there are too many valid issues with his immaturity, drunken escapades and complete disrespect for you. There are much better guys you can date who aren't this much of a headache and heartache. Cut your losses.

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That's tough!

 

But, he was drunk. This absolutely does NOT excuse his words or actions, but you know that his thinking was impaired. Also, he told you the first time out of respect for you. I know some guys who wouldn't do that. It is hard to simply switch off your feeling for someone, so maybe he did still have some sort of interest in her when it happened.

 

I think the fact that he has moved out and removed her from his social media and isn't in contact with her shows that he really does care for you and that he is doing everything he can to make sure he doesn't make that mistake again. I would give him the benefit of the doubt. He is doing the right thing.

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The reason I'm writing is because he recently drunkenly revealed to me that he did in fact still have feelings for her when the incident occured, and it was only over Christmas and when we got back together that he completely stopped liking her.

 

Before I comment further, can I ask how this came up in conversation recently? Did you ask him specifically, or did he just randomly open up about this incident?

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He shouldn't have been making those kinds of commitments to you while he wasn't fully invested, so early into your dating process. In the first few months, you barely knew each other. Clearly you were ready to be exclusive, and he wasn't - though he did tell you he would and go back on his word.

 

At the same time, this feels a little bit like something that happened in the past, and he is invested now. Why not consider your new relationship (after reconnecting from the break) on its own terms, rather than reexamining what happened before when you were still feeling each other out?

 

But I can only respond to what you write. If you can't find a way to trust him again, there's no point in continuing. Ultimately it's something you have to work out both with him and on your own.

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Before I comment further, can I ask how this came up in conversation recently? Did you ask him specifically, or did he just randomly open up about this incident?

 

We were talking about trust in a relationship and I brought up what happened before, and then he confessed this to me

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You two weren't exclusive and he had unfinished business in his head with another woman. I agree that his behavior was flaky and perhaps a bit shady, but he wasn't cheating since you refused a serious commitment at that point.

 

It's pointless to get upset about the past, in my opinion. If he's a loving and committed boyfriend now, I would suggest you get over your insecurities. He completely cut the woman out of his life, which is heavy evidence in favor of him meaning it when he says he loves you and only you.

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I don't know why people get drunk who can't keep their mouths closed and blab about a fantasy that's not a big deal. If he had a crush and kept his mouth shut and took it to his grave, this would never be an issue and everybody would live happily ever after! I wish people would stop making their SO their shrink.

 

Honesty and openness are two different things. In a relationship, don't blab about your fantasy crushes.

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It is a big deal. If you're exclusive with someone (regardless of being official) you SHOULDN'T be grabbing butts. That's a bloody no brainer. Alcohol doesn't force someone to do something they wouldn't do. Contrary to popular belief, you know exactly what you're doing when you're drunk, you just choose to not think of the consequences.

 

Also it's not a fantasy if it's happened-cheating is never okay.

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