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Life in the Driver’s Seat (extended)


Seraphim
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This year hubby is supposed to get his second bar for his CD but they are always so behind. 

The CD is the Canadian Forces Decoration. The orignal medal is given for 12 years of service with no transgressions on your record. Then every 10 years of service you get another bar ( clasp) for your medal. So he has 32 years of service with no transgressions. Very very rare to get a third bar but if he gets signed to age or 65 which looks likely he will. Right now he is signed until the day he turns 60. That is the normal retirement date in the Forces but under some circumstances you can be signed to 65. 

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My mom gets more upset if I talk about my dad now than when he was alive . I think his passing brought up a lot of anger in her that had gone dormant . She keeps saying well the man was no saint you know. You have no idea. Yes, I know he was not a good human being BUT he was my dad. Her mom could be not a nice person too . She was devastated when her mom died but she can’t face me feeling like that about my dad. She cuts off sharing any grief with her . My husband as well as he as he had no appreciation for my father. Even if you didn’t care for him this is MY GRIEF, the person you both love . 
 

My dad was a real vile abuser to my mom, so I can appreciate she is angry. He was abusive to me too. 
 

BUT HE WAS STILL MY FATHER. You picked him as my father. YOU taught me to be loyal and loving and faithful to family above everything. Now you want me not to be. It doesn’t work like that. 
 

If I can’t express my sorrow to those I love most and to you who knew him then to whom? 

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38 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

I think his passing brought up a lot of anger in her that had gone dormant

That happened with my mom as well. My dad wasn't an abuser, but he was definitely no saint. They had a very contentious divorce that lasted for over four years. When he died, she was upset... and frankly, irrational.

He left me this box of silver nickels. One day, months later, she tried to force me to sell them. It was a real argument--the stupidest argument. But I got her to back off, and she's never mentioned them again.

Every time I see that box, I think about it. I think it was temporary madness caused by a mixture of grief and anger towards my father. They were married for 18 years. She hated him, but I'm sure she couldn't help but still feel connected to him on some level.

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4 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

That happened with my mom as well. My dad wasn't an abuser, but he was definitely no saint. They had a very contentious divorce that lasted for over four years. When he died, she was upset... and frankly, irrational.

He left me this box of silver nickels. One day, months later, she tried to force me to sell them. It was a real argument--the stupidest argument. But I got her to back off, and she's never mentioned them again.

Every time I see that box, I think about it. I think it was temporary madness caused by a mixture of grief and anger towards my father. They were married for 18 years. She hated him, but I'm sure she couldn't help but still feel connected to him on some level.

They are not seeing our pain just their anger and resentment. When I bought the ring in remembrance of my dad she was resentful and said “ oh what? He is a saint now because he is dead.” That hurt . I remember her when her parents died she was a WRECK. She wore her dad’s pj’s every night until the fabric fell apart and it took years. The day her mom died I listened to her that night screaming and screaming and screaming, how could you leave me!! Her mom was mean to her. She hit my mom almost daily as a kid . But she lost her shyte when she died . I tried to get her to understand using the example of her mom. 
 

I am sorry you had to deal with this too. 

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We have a shelter in place order due to a dangerous person running around with a gun. 😱 The province’s alert system went off last night and we still have the alert . Well I was sheltering in place it’s called my bed and you woke my butt up . 

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I am excited to move as I will be much closer to my mom and see her far more often. We will be near bigger cities but not actually in them. This new base enclosed here we are part of the town . I am sad to leave friends but lots of opportunities for new ones. We need to find a new faith community and maybe I can sing there as the opportunity here was cut off after 7 years. But we have always been ok. 
 

Hubby got his pay statement with the back pay. It was taxed at 54% 😱I could have cried. 

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