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Life in the Driver’s Seat (extended)


Seraphim
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My 30’s is where my foundation was starting to come to pieces. From the time my son was 3 until he was about 17 my psyche was coming apart.

 

The things I have told therapists have made them curl up in pain and brought tears to their eyes. Even my EMDR therapist was amazed I was functional and could work and sustain a marriage and family. She said obviously I have nerves of steel because most people don’t crawl out of a life like mine functioning.

 

To be clear many many many have suffered more than me . I can only speak in a hope to honour those to can’t find their voice.

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After EMDR though I feel emotionally “ restricted “ is it that or less chaotic? I came out of almost 5 decades of emotional chaos. My earliest memories are even chaos.

 

At 51 I “ came into myself”. I am someone now by MY definition. Not even my definition, my mother’s I guess. When you’re a business owner you’re someone. When you’re captain of your own ship you’re someone. See in my mom’s 30’s that was her definition. I was coming into my own as a teen when she was that age. I am more her than I realize and my brother more so. My brother doesn’t know it but he is ALL her. He thinks he raised himself but he’s full of shyte. I was there baby brother. I remember as I am 3.5 years older than you. You are such a copy of her. A go getter , a risk taker , a fire ball. The older you get the more you become like her.

 

We ARE her burning bright as she herself fades. Love you mom. Thank you for your emotional steel poundings, for the path and the way.

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REALLY tired of people just talking to us when THEY need help, but never consider if we need any . Yeah, go away. Thursday my neighbour bangs so loud on my door I can hear it upstairs in my bathroom wakes up all my Daycare kids and asks if hubby has time to paint a room in their house. Wth , no he doesn’t. We need to get our stuff done thanks. Then the wife messages me to ask the same. You could have messaged and not woke all the kids up and made my day hell? Then says oh I hope you are having a fabulous day. I said, um no I am not thanks. Never heard another word.

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He is over it now. The first two days he was sobbing and angry. But his big mop of quirky hair will be back soon. It grows super fast.

 

I feel your pain... teenager? It can really throw off the mood!

 

My Son was crabby today over a bloody nose, an hour alter he was fine. Go figure!

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:upset: Ok, I give up...

 

Let me say my father made almost every Christmas I ever had an unmitigated misery on purpose because he loves to make people upset because he sadistic that way. Christmas is extremely extremely special to me so I go out of my way to make it happy and especially for my own child because my childhood was horrific. So when people post about their family wars on threads that are supposed to be happy it sets off my PTSD. And just yesterday I had to see my father AGAIN to get my son’s and my nieces Christmas gifts. And again he was nice tricking me to get me there and when I got there was a misery from hell telling me how much he enjoyed bugging me.

 

So hence I really don’t like hearing about other people’s horror stories on what I really kill myself into making something happy. I suffer really bad PTSD at Christmas ......

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