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Planning to end it all on my next birthday, can't keep doing this anymore.


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Hello, I haven't been here in a very long time. Last time I was here I was 20, now I am 29. I was suicidal back then and I still am. Actually I survived numerous attemps over the years. But I can't take this anymore, nothing worked out. I feel so lonely, I still don't have a girlfriend. I don't have friends I can rely on, most just don't care. They are too busy with their own lives to give me support, I feel lucky if I get a message once a year and I can't get even that. I still haven't graduated from my university and I still don't have a job. I feel like such a failure. So I decided to end it all on my next birthday. When I am 30, if things are still the same, I will simply end it all. The only way I can keep going is if things are better by then. But let's be honest, no matter how hard I try things will still be the same. No matter what I do I always keep getting the same results and I am sick of it. I feel so terribly lonely and I am sick of it. I don't even know why I came back here, but here I am. I am so unhappy and I hate my life. It shouldn't have been like this. I wanted to be happy...

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I'm sorry to hear you're struggling so much, Lonesnake.

 

Please keep writing here. There are always people around to communicate with. It seems everything has reached a point where you are totally overwhelmed and lost.

 

Let's start with university. Are you currently still taking classes?

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Hello, thanks for responding. Yes I am. I recently finished my second year with good grades.

 

Well done! What are you studying?

 

It sounds like this aspect of your life is going okay, even if it's happening later than you'd anticipated. I can remember being an undergrad and having more than a handful of older students (I mean in the 40+ age-range) in my classes. It's nothing to be ashamed of; in fact, you should take some pride in the fact that you're in school at all. Many never get there, or talk themselves out of attending altogether.

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I studied English Literature too! It can be tough, but is totally worth it!

 

Yeah I really like it. Always wanted to study it so here I am.

 

It's a great goal, OP.

 

You say you don't have friends you can rely on. Are there ways you can focus on fostering new friendships? Clubs or teams you might join, either at school or in your community?

 

I am afraid my university is not very social. There are some clubs and such but they don't do much. As for my community, there is no such thing here. I don't have a community I am afraid. I met a lot of people over the years as I make friends easily. I haven't met many true ones though. It always ends the same way.

 

Have you had therapy for your suicidal thoughts?

 

Yeah, I've been dealing with depression since I was 14. I've had therapy since then, on and off. There is a new doctor I've been seeing for about two-three years now.

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Well I have two doctors, one is my therapist. The other one prescribes my meds. And it's because we tried all sorts of meds and this is the one that was best for me. Minimal side effects and such. Right now I am using the ideal dosage for me. Changing it won't change anything in my life anyway, my problems go deeper than that. Meds won't bring me the love of my life for instance. It's fine as it is, if we make a radical change it will make things worse, my body is very sensitive to such things so we are being very careful.

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Hey Lone, I've been where you are and one thing that helped me a lot, more than private therapy even, were support groups, moderated by a therapist but he/she is not directly involved.

 

I received tons of support there from both men and women either experiencing the feelings I was or other feelings, we all sort of bounced our thoughts back and forth and at times had fun doing so.

 

I learned a lot too, about myself, life, love, relationships. As I said more so than from private therapy.

 

Still do your private therapy though, but since you said you feel alone a lot of times, you won't feel alone at your group sessions, you may even make some good friends.

 

It helped me a lot anyway, worth considering?

 

Like I can even see a change in you here, the higher spirits after the support you're getting on this forum.

 

Imagine getting this type of support in person and on a greater scale?

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Hey Lone, I've been where you are and one thing that helped me a lot, more than private therapy even, were support groups, moderated by a therapist but he/she is not directly involved.

 

I received tons of support there from both men and women either experiencing the feelings I was or other feelings, we all sort of bounced our thoughts back and forth and at times had fun doing so.

 

I learned a lot too, about myself, life, love, relationships. As I said more so than from private therapy.

 

Still do your private therapy though, but since you said you feel alone a lot of times, you won't feel alone at your group sessions, you may even make some good friends.

 

It helped me a lot anyway, worth considering?

 

Like I can even see a change in you here, the higher spirits after the support you're getting on this forum.

 

Imagine getting this type of support in person and on a greater scale?

 

I actually never thought about this before. It could indeed help me a lot yeah, thanks for making me aware of this option. It is indeed worth considering. I am glad it helped you a lot.

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Well I have two doctors, one is my therapist. The other one prescribes my meds. And it's because we tried all sorts of meds and this is the one that was best for me. Minimal side effects and such. Right now I am using the ideal dosage for me. Changing it won't change anything in my life anyway, my problems go deeper than that. Meds won't bring me the love of my life for instance. It's fine as it is, if we make a radical change it will make things worse, my body is very sensitive to such things so we are being very careful.

 

I understand.

 

I too, have not found the love of my life. I think if you focus on your studies and getting a job and a better circle of friends, things will come together. We cannot ever expect people to make us happy or complete. This is what we do for ourselves.

 

The group support is a great idea.

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I understand.

 

I too, have not found the love of my life. I think if you focus on your studies and getting a job and a better circle of friends, things will come together. We cannot ever expect people to make us happy or complete. This is what we do for ourselves.

 

The group support is a great idea.

 

I disagree, a good relationship is very important in life and can make everything else much better and more enjoyable. And there is nothing wrong with feeling incomplete without a significant other. It's just human nature. As for the rest, I really hope so. Because I've been trying it all for a long time now and I can't say I am at a point where I am satisfied with the results.

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A partner is a bonus. We should never depend on others for our happiness. That is a big load to put on someone.

 

I am currently on my own and do not feel incomplete. I have to find happiness with in myself, and not count on others.

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I am sorry, I respect your thoughts on this matter but I simply disagree. We are social creatures, if people could be on their own for long amounts of time and be quite happy nobody would feel the need to marry or make friends. A partner is not a bonus, a partner is a person who complements us and who we complement in return. I was at peace with being myself for some time in the past too, and I was relatively happy. But it can only last for so long. We should probably agree to disagree as I am not going to change my mind on this.

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I am sorry, I respect your thoughts on this matter but I simply disagree. We are social creatures, if people could be on their own for long amounts of time and be quite happy nobody would feel the need to marry or make friends. A partner is not a bonus, a partner is a person who complements us and who we complement in return. I was at peace with being myself for some time in the past too, and I was relatively happy. But it can only last for so long. We should probably agree to disagree as I am not going to change my mind on this.

 

Perhaps it’s this mindset, that you are not whole without someone else completing you that has lead to your current suicidal condition...what you’re describing is codependence, one should be with a partner out of want not need.

 

I find it incredible not telling how adamant you are that your mindset is correct even though it is a mindset that makes you want to completely give up on life... if you feel you aren’t truly living without a girlfriend and you can’t get one well it makes perfect sense you are in this predicament...

 

Just like many people are happily married or on relationships there are many people happily single or dating, if you have to have someone else to be happy, half of the word would be on their death beds...

 

Think about changing your mindset, that seems to be the core of this. And you didn’t post 9 years ago it was 4...

 

Like before you are reaching out for help, meaning you aren’t ready to give up quite yet which means there’s still hope, never forget that, there’s always hope. Are you aware of sucicide hotlines? Are you in the care of a therapist? Do you see a Dr. regularly for check up etc.

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I am sorry, I respect your thoughts on this matter but I simply disagree. We are social creatures, if people could be on their own for long amounts of time and be quite happy nobody would feel the need to marry or make friends. A partner is not a bonus, a partner is a person who complements us and who we complement in return. I was at peace with being myself for some time in the past too, and I was relatively happy. But it can only last for so long. We should probably agree to disagree as I am not going to change my mind on this.

 

Complement, not complete.

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