Is it ok for a man in his mid 40’s-early 50’s to party?

[Hollyj]

we hung out twice a week, that which he never flakes on..it was if I wanted to see him more than that..which I rationalized.[emoji2372]

 

How do you rationalize someone blowing you off for their friends, multiple times? You said in your thread that you enabled the behavior.

[Cherylyn]

It's not just you. He's an alcoholic.

 

My next door neighbors are "high functioning alcoholics." They're middle aged, hold down day jobs, look "normal" yet love to drink after work and weekends. If drinks are on the house or they attend a wedding, you are their new best friend!

 

My neighbors deliberately dispose their bags of glass wine and beer bottles under the cover of darkness at 4:30AM 365 days a year. They're closet drinkers. They don't want anyone to witness what they're doing because there is a stigma towards heavy drinkers. There are random times when I'm awake extremely early, had to leave for work early, started my workouts early and I can hear their large broken glass noises every morning right outside my bedroom window plus the loud thud of the trash bin slammed shut which is annoying.

 

Nothing surprises me anymore.

[Hollyj]

It's not just you. He's an alcoholic.

 

My next door neighbors are "high functioning alcoholics." They're middle aged, hold down day jobs, look "normal" yet love to drink after work and weekends. If drinks are on the house or they attend a wedding, you are their new best friend!

 

My neighbors deliberately dispose their bags of glass wine and beer bottles under the cover of darkness at 4:30AM 365 days a year. They're closet drinkers. They don't want anyone to witness what they're doing because there is a stigma towards heavy drinkers. There are random times when I'm awake extremely early, had to leave for work early, started my workouts early and I can hear their large broken glass noises every morning right outside my bedroom window plus the loud thud of the trash bin slammed shut which is annoying.

 

Nothing surprises me anymore.

 

They drink until 4 in the morning?

[figureitout23]

I am not in a relationship, but with my ex he would make me promises and I would say half of the time at least, he would let me down. I enabled his behavior by forgiving his broken promises, and/or not following through on things so basically I taught him he could flake out, break his word, disrespect me etc and I would keep forgiving him. Call him the next day or text him and of course he would respond but his behavior remained the same. I was teaching him he could act how he wants and there would be no consequences. So, going forward how do you handle this behavior in a relationship? I know obviously you express the behavior isn’t ok but besides that?

 

 

It sounds like this behavior has been going on for awhile, so not allowing him to "get away" with treating you poorly would be ending the relationship. Sorry to say that there is nothing you can do to change his behavior within the relationship is asking nicely didn't work.

this is my EX I had enough of it trust me

 

 

 

 

 

Well no - in a healthy relationship if someone cares they want you to be happy. I'm not afraid of losing my husband -it's not a motivator - I act in a giving, caring way because I love him and care about him and also made a commitment to him many years ago to be there for him. If someone is motivated to act in a caring way for fear of "losing" the person that sounds like a pretty negative mindset.

 

Agree, so much so it almost comes of as dare I say you’re still with him...

 

I’m not against doing a relationship autopsy, but doing so smack dab in the middle of the anger stage seems like an effort in futility... your emotions aren’t objective during recovery.

 

I don’t think the say you teach people how to treat you means you literally teach them how to do right, your interactions and boundaries whether strong or weak show the other person what you accept, once the precedent is set, I’d say without some time apart it would be impossible to undo...

 

Learning to value yourself enough to walk away when someone isn’t meeting your needs can’t really be taught, it comes from within once you work on your self esteem and learn your self worth also not an easy endeavor but a worthwhile one...

 

Not to toot our own horn but.... anyway...

 

Stop.

 

Breathe.

 

Distract yourself.

 

Go for a walk, clear your head.

 

When youre calm, acknowledge your addiction to this person.

 

Recognize it has less to do with him than you.

 

Hes an alcoholic he is going to be who he is until the cows come home, YOU are making a conscious choice to try to 'save' him. Wasting your life when you could find a partner who is healthy and whole, many times people with low self esteem go after low hanging frut or projects because they dont believe they deserve or can get better...

 

So

 

Stop.

 

End this.

 

Work on you.

[Cherylyn]

@Hollyj, They drink after work, on weekends and dispose their bags of alcoholic glass beverage bottles under the cover of darkness during the wee hours of the morning while it's still night. They don't want anyone to know they drink. Some drinkers are embarrassed and ashamed by it. A lot of people drink and it doesn't matter what their age. Their sons drink and smoke like chimneys. Whatever they do is fine with me as long as they don't drive drunk and infringe upon my right to road safety.

[Seraphim]

@Hollyj, They drink after work, on weekends and dispose their bags of alcoholic glass beverage bottles under the cover of darkness during the wee hours of the morning while it's still night. They don't want anyone to know they drink. Some drinkers are embarrassed and ashamed by it. A lot of people drink and it doesn't matter what their age. Their sons drink and smoke like chimneys. Whatever they do is fine with me as long as they don't drive drunk and infringe upon my right to road safety.

 

My in-laws drink almost daily and have done so for decade upon decade . When we were on holidays once and they looked after our house for a week I came back to six wine bottles sitting on my counter ! My mother-in-law even told me she drank a bottle of wine every Sunday when she was pregnant with my husband . 😳

[Hollyj]

@Hollyj, They drink after work, on weekends and dispose their bags of alcoholic glass beverage bottles under the cover of darkness during the wee hours of the morning while it's still night. They don't want anyone to know they drink. Some drinkers are embarrassed and ashamed by it. A lot of people drink and it doesn't matter what their age. Their sons drink and smoke like chimneys. Whatever they do is fine with me as long as they don't drive drunk and infringe upon my right to road safety.

 

Do they set their alarms to throw the bottles out?

 

Goodness, one would think that something would click, when one would have to throw out bottles at these crazy hours.

[Hollyj]

My in-laws drink almost daily and have done so for decade upon decade . When we were on holidays once and they looked after our house for a week I came back to six wine bottles sitting on my counter ! My mother-in-law even told me she drank a bottle of wine every Sunday when she was pregnant with my husband . 😳

 

Wow!!!!!!!!!

[Cherylyn]

The guy, Mr. of the house or the dad wakes up at the crack of dawn 365 days out of the year. He NEVER sleeps in past 4:30AM rain or shine.

 

Unfortunately, there is stigma attached to high functioning alcoholics or alcoholics so they try their best to conceal their addiction.

[Gymgirl71]

The guy, Mr. of the house or the dad wakes up at the crack of dawn 365 days out of the year. He NEVER sleeps in past 4:30AM rain or shine.

 

Unfortunately, there is stigma attached to high functioning alcoholics or alcoholics so they try their best to conceal their addiction.

yes unless it’s cultural right? [emoji849]

[limichelle]

To answer your question OP

 

It’s really up to him. If this is his Norm regardless of how old he is be lucky that you don’t have to live it with him.

 

I’ll be honest and say it’s sad that he’s an alcoholic. It’s a disease not easily cured. I watched a neighbor go through this. He battled the bottle every day. My former friends father is an alcoholic, I met my friend when I was 10. Her father worked in construction during the duration I knew her from age 10-27. He would get up at 4:00 am every morning and have downed six beers before noon. Get home and hit the hard liquor until he went to bed.

 

He was very funny and friendly drunk. When he was sober he was nasty as could be!

 

For my friends 21st birthday he gave her $200 to strictly spend on alcohol.

 

The problem was he was high functioning so he was in denial along with her and the rest of the family. I’m sure they knew he was an alcoholic but because he couldn’t see it or get help for himself, the family just swept it under the rug. Meanwhile his siblings are dying left and right from the same addiction.

 

This guy you know it’s nice you don’t have to be in a committed relationship with him and be dragged down that dark road. Believe me it’s a dark road.

[Capricorn3]

Not sure what I'm missing here, but he's an EX, so I don't quite understand what the issue is?? ~need a confused smiley~

[MissCanuck]

No, I wouldn't be down with that much alcohol consumption.

 

Good thing he's an ex, OP.

[Batya33]

If partying means getting drunk I don’t think it’s ok at any age on a regular basis. I think it’s great for people of all ages to have an active social life with family responsibilities and work coming first (more family of course and whether the person has children or otherwise )

[Wiseman2]

This isn't "partying" it's alcoholism. The good news is he's an ex and you got out and can delete and block him. Google AlAnon. Educate yourself on problem drinking, binge drinking and alcoholism.

He would drink heavy every weekend, drinking all weekend long and at LEAST 2 days during the week.

 

[Gymgirl71]

This isn't "partying" it's alcoholism. The good news is he's an ex and you got out and can delete and block him. Google AlAnon. Educate yourself on problem drinking, binge drinking and alcoholism.

 

It’s serious...my dad had this problem which is why I stayed with him-which wasn’t very long...it’s a downward spiral that I wasn’t going to be dragged in..I don’t mind drinking now and then..but when it interferes with work it’s a problem

[Gymgirl71]

To answer your question OP

 

It’s really up to him. If this is his Norm regardless of how old he is be lucky that you don’t have to live it with him.

 

I’ll be honest and say it’s sad that he’s an alcoholic. It’s a disease not easily cured. I watched a neighbor go through this. He battled the bottle every day. My former friends father is an alcoholic, I met my friend when I was 10. Her father worked in construction during the duration I knew her from age 10-27. He would get up at 4:00 am every morning and have downed six beers before noon. Get home and hit the hard liquor until he went to bed.

 

He was very funny and friendly drunk. When he was sober he was nasty as could be!

 

For my friends 21st birthday he gave her $200 to strictly spend on alcohol.

 

The problem was he was high functioning so he was in denial along with her and the rest of the family. I’m sure they knew he was an alcoholic but because he couldn’t see it or get help for himself, the family just swept it under the rug. Meanwhile his siblings are dying left and right from the same addiction.

 

This guy you know it’s nice you don’t have to be in a committed relationship with him and be dragged down that dark road. Believe me it’s a dark road.

I know it’s a very dark road..my mom dealt with it with my dad. He lost a couple jobs, money, etc..it was chaotic...this guy will show up to work late and laugh about it and not even care..he’s going to hit rock bottom and I’m not there to catch him thank god..drinking is fine but work and other responsibilities come first. He’s self medicating to cover up his problems. But in the morning the problem is still there, so you have to keep that up

[boltnrun]

Several people have asked but you haven't answered...if he's all this, why do continue to be involved with him in ANY way?

[Gymgirl71]

Several people have asked but you haven't answered...if he's all this, why do continue to be involved with him in ANY way?

i can’t answer that

[boltnrun]

i can’t answer that

 

Is there something he "has" on you? Something he's holding over your head or threatening you with?

[Gymgirl71]

Is there something he "has" on you? Something he's holding over your head or threatening you with?

Lol no he isn’t

[figureitout23]

Lol no he isn’t

 

What’s so funny?

 

I don’t think obsessing with over an alcoholic ‘ex’ and rumminating about how many issues ‘he’ has while ignoring the blatant fact that a healthy person would have walked away long ago is funny...

[bluecastle]

I agree with FiO.

 

Honestly, I don't even think it's particularly healthy for us here to be diagnosing this guy as an alcoholic. Maybe he is, maybe he isn't. We don't have nearly enough information to make that call.

 

Best I can tell he's a dude Gym dated for a pretty short time, who was never particularly into being in a relationship with her. Whatever his drinking habits—be it alcoholism or aged frat boy stuff—the obsession and rumination is far more concerning, especially since any post that hints at this is ignored in favor of one that allows for a dig at this guy.

 

His habits are his habits. What we are doing in picking them apart and diagnosing them is fueling an addiction and dependency of Gym's.

[limichelle]

I agree with you bluecastle

 

OP never answered why she’s still hung up on him.

 

Also we don’t know the guy.

 

It sounds like resentment is holding you in place OP. That’s not any healthier.

[Hollyj]

i can’t answer that

 

That's not an answer.

 

Why haven't you blocked?