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I have done a lot of things to move on and nothing has helped. I am starting to accept that I will not move on. I really still want to reach out though so we can at least be nice to each other. Even though he doesn't want me and will eventually find someone else. I can be happy knowing that things are ok between us.

 

You're not really helping yourself as much as you could be, though.

 

Adding him back to your social media is an example. You keep trying to find ways to keep the door open so it should come as no surprise that you aren't moving on. You can't have it both ways, OP.

 

I have a feeling he's fine with things. It's you who thinks things aren't fine, and that's only because you're not talking to each other. I don't think he gives this anywhere near as much thought as you do, to be blunt.

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You're not really helping yourself as much as you could be, though.

 

Adding him back to your social media is an example. You keep trying to find ways to keep the door open so it should come as no surprise that you aren't moving on. You can't have it both ways, OP.

 

I have a feeling he's fine with things. It's you who thinks things aren't fine, and that's only because you're not talking to each other. I don't think he gives this anywhere near as much thought as you do, to be blunt.

 

It doesn't matter if I have him on social media or not. We have so many mutual friends that I cannot avoid him. I will always know what he's doing.

 

I do want to talk with him though and I don't know if he is fine with things. He used to come talk to me actually but then he found out I deleted his number which surprisingly really upset him. He even flirted with another girl right in front of me to make me jealous I'm guessing. He later quickly ignored this girl and was visibly upset when I had to talk to him a couple days later. Since then he hasn't talked to me and it's probably because he thinks I don't want to. But that is not true. I just don't know how to talk to him.

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It doesn't matter if I have him on social media or not. We have so many mutual friends that I cannot avoid him. I will always know what he's doing.

 

That's not true. It matters because you added him back for the express purpose of messaging him, by your own admission. Keeping him there keeps the door open to communication, in your mind.

 

Having mutual friends is not the same as being on each other's friend list on social media, either. You are going to be getting a front-row seat to his life which will hurt when a new woman does eventually surface. Having mutual friends does not permit that kind of access. You need to at least be honest with yourself about that. Sure, you might hear through the grapevine what he's up to or see glimpses through others' social media, but being in a direct line of contact is a different ball game.

 

Go ahead and talk to him if you want. Perhaps you need to learn the hard way that he isn't into you like that any longer and you won't ultimately wind up together; I don't want to encourage you to do something that I think will make things worse for you but I am not sure you will get the hint otherwise.

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Unfortunately, he's just not that into you. You can continue to chase him, but it will continue to be heartbreaking.

So just people saying that to me does not help me get over him. Obviously I still do really like him and I probably eventually will cave and say something. If someone has a suggestion of what to say please tell me. That is probably the best advice you can give me because I don't have enough strength to keep ignoring him.

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So just people saying that to me does not help me get over him. Obviously I still do really like him and I probably eventually will cave and say something. If someone has a suggestion of what to say please tell me. That is probably the best advice you can give me because I don't have enough strength to keep ignoring him.

 

What is you want to say? What is the purpose of contacting him?

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That's not true. It matters because you added him back for the express purpose of messaging him, by your own admission. Keeping him there keeps the door open to communication, in your mind.

 

Having mutual friends is not the same as being on each other's friend list on social media, either. You are going to be getting a front-row seat to his life which will hurt when a new woman does eventually surface. Having mutual friends does not permit that kind of access. You need to at least be honest with yourself about that. Sure, you might hear through the grapevine what he's up to or see glimpses through others' social media, but being in a direct line of contact is a different ball game.

 

Go ahead and talk to him if you want. Perhaps you need to learn the hard way that he isn't into you like that any longer and you won't ultimately wind up together; I don't want to encourage you to do something that I think will make things worse for you but I am not sure you will get the hint otherwise.

 

Well I went about 4 months with him not on it and that didn't help me move on either. Literally nothing has helped. I still want to talk to him. If you have a suggestion of what to say please tell me.

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You know sometimes I am so upset that I do wonder if our time together meant anything. I even wonder if we are right for each other. Obviously I felt like that when we were dating and I did want to continue dating. I feel like we were just getting to know each other. However, despite all the things I have done to become indifferent. I still do really care about him. Maybe I just have to own that part of myself and stop pretending that I don't. And maybe then I will feel better about everything .

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If you are dying to talk to him, simply say "how are you doing?". Then observe his response and leave it at that.

I just want to say that I'm glad he's doing ok after the health issue he was going through
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I just want to say that I'm glad he's doing ok after the health issue he was going through

 

If he hasn’t personally told you about his health issue, I would not inquire about it.

 

Just ask him how he’s doing.

 

Be prepared to let go if you get a neutral or non-committal answer. Being friendly doesn’t mean you will get back together. Remember that.

 

You say you wonder if you’re right for each other. The answer is no, as evidenced by the fact that he didn’t want to continue dating you.

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It doesn't matter if I have him on social media or not. We have so many mutual friends that I cannot avoid him. I will always know what he's doing.

 

I do want to talk with him though and I don't know if he is fine with things. He used to come talk to me actually but then he found out I deleted his number which surprisingly really upset him. He even flirted with another girl right in front of me to make me jealous I'm guessing. He later quickly ignored this girl and was visibly upset when I had to talk to him a couple days later. Since then he hasn't talked to me and it's probably because he thinks I don't want to. But that is not true. I just don't know how to talk to him.

You give yourself too much credit. He is not into you, or he would be dating you.

 

Honestly, I don't even know why you came here. You have excused away and shot down all of our advice. I guess you will learn the hard way.

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So just people saying that to me does not help me get over him. Obviously I still do really like him and I probably eventually will cave and say something. If someone has a suggestion of what to say please tell me. That is probably the best advice you can give me because I don't have enough strength to keep ignoring him.

 

We have given you a million suggestions, you just don't like them . We are all saying the same thing.

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You never stated why you could not meet these good friends outside of the dance? Also, there is no reason to keep him on social media, other than to follow his activity.

 

One would think that this is a long term relationship, due to your obsession.

 

This thread just goes in circles.

Edited by Hollyj
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Pink? Have you ever dated someone—for a day, a weekend, a few months—who you lost feelings for, had doubts about, ended things with before they really took off? Have you ever had someone be "into" you, in any capacity, you you aren't "into" back?

 

Speaking for myself, whenever I've been hurt by someone not liking me the way I like them I remind myself of that feeling. Because it's just life, human, the way things go sometimes. Sometimes you're in your shoes, sometimes in his. It's a thing that happens.

 

Refusing to accept that things that happen, well, happen is a recipe for disaster and spiritual corrosion. It's allowing pride and ego—not genuine feelings—to drive your ship. Or, really, to sink it.

 

Life has much harder moments in store for you than this. I don't mean to dismiss this being hard, but us adults? We have to learn how to deal with hard moments, and to not turn little stings into tsunamis. Because when the real tsunamis come—when relationships turn south after years, when friends get sick and die, when job security vanishes in a day—we need to be able to avoid drowning. Right now you are making an active choice to down in what is, I'm sorry, a puddle that your imagination is turning into an ocean.

 

Big picture here? You just liked a guy more than he liked you. That story is playing out a million times over as I write this sentence. Had you been with this guy for years, or married to him—well, I'd cut you a bit more slack to be spinning around about it 5 months later. But you've spent more time spinning around than you spent with him, and that speaks less about your connection and feelings than something inside of you screaming to be addressed. This is your spirit calling out for help, not your heart missing a man.

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Pink? Have you ever dated someone—for a day, a weekend, a few months—who you lost feelings for, had doubts about, ended things with before they really took off? Have you ever had someone be "into" you, in any capacity, you you aren't "into" back?

 

Speaking for myself, whenever I've been hurt by someone not liking me the way I like them I remind myself of that feeling. Because it's just life, human, the way things go sometimes. Sometimes you're in your shoes, sometimes in his. It's a thing that happens.

 

Refusing to accept that things that happen, well, happen is a recipe for disaster and spiritual corrosion. It's allowing pride and ego—not genuine feelings—to drive your ship. Or, really, to sink it.

 

Life has much harder moments in store for you than this. I don't mean to dismiss this being hard, but us adults? We have to learn how to deal with hard moments, and to not turn little stings into tsunamis. Because when the real tsunamis come—when relationships turn south after years, when friends get sick and die, when job security vanishes in a day—we need to be able to avoid drowning. Right now you are making an active choice to down in what is, I'm sorry, a puddle that your imagination is turning into an ocean.

 

Big picture here? You just liked a guy more than he liked you. That story is playing out a million times over as I write this sentence. Had you been with this guy for years, or married to him—well, I'd cut you a bit more slack to be spinning around about it 5 months later. But you've spent more time spinning around than you spent with him, and that speaks less about your connection and feelings than something inside of you screaming to be addressed. This is your spirit calling out for help, not your heart missing a man.

 

Totally ego, and it is huge. She cannot fathom that this guy is not into her, and keeps making all of these silly excuses.

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Pink, our stories are so alike, down to the flirting with another girl in front of me. The difference is, my goal is to get over him. I suspect that you haven't gone through all the stages of a break up and instead, you're planning on how to get him back. If you are doing this, no amount of hobbies will help you get over him.

 

If you are mentally trying to get over him, then I do suggest you stop your hobby for a bit, not forever of course. This is exactly what I did with our common hobby. I stopped doing it for a month so I wouldn't bump into him and met our mutual friends elsewhere. I didn't unfriend him on fb, just unfollowed, because like you said, I'd still see what he's up to because of all our mutual friends. I've also tried really hard, to not check his page. It took me a little over a month to stop doing that.

 

I told him not to text me or anything and that I will text him when I'm over it. I haven't. Lately I've been wanting to text him, as a friend, but as I see I still have , maybe 1/10 of the feelings I had for him but they're still there, I'm not going to. Thing is, I too have thought "maybe he wants to talk to me but he can't because I forbid him to do so". I immediately stop my train of thoughts saying"if he wanted to be with me, he wouldn't break up with me twice". In your case, he has all the freedom to text you and hasn't. The only indicator you have are glimpses. It's too weak, you can't go on that. Don't read too much into it.

 

I know it was short term, but there must have been some negative things about him. Even the fact that he flirted with another woman in front of you. Both explanations of this are negative. Would you really like to be with a guy who uses another person to make you jealous? Or, would you really want to be with a guy who doesn't consider your feelings by flirting with another woman in front of you?(I'm assuming this happened soon after the break up, if it happened months after, than it doesn't count). I wouldn't.

 

Was what you had SOO good? I don't need an answer, just think about it. Even if you were perfectly fine with what you had, apparently he wasn't, and called it. It sucks, but it happens.

 

Best part, and this is what I kept telling myself on the rough days, even if you did get back together and everything was perfect the third time round, how can you possibly trust that he won't up and leave randomly?

 

Note: check out the attachment theory.

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Pink? Have you ever dated someone—for a day, a weekend, a few months—who you lost feelings for, had doubts about, ended things with before they really took off? Have you ever had someone be "into" you, in any capacity, you you aren't "into" back?

 

Speaking for myself, whenever I've been hurt by someone not liking me the way I like them I remind myself of that feeling. Because it's just life, human, the way things go sometimes. Sometimes you're in your shoes, sometimes in his. It's a thing that happens.

 

Refusing to accept that things that happen, well, happen is a recipe for disaster and spiritual corrosion. It's allowing pride and ego—not genuine feelings—to drive your ship. Or, really, to sink it.

 

Life has much harder moments in store for you than this. I don't mean to dismiss this being hard, but us adults? We have to learn how to deal with hard moments, and to not turn little stings into tsunamis. Because when the real tsunamis come—when relationships turn south after years, when friends get sick and die, when job security vanishes in a day—we need to be able to avoid drowning. Right now you are making an active choice to down in what is, I'm sorry, a puddle that your imagination is turning into an ocean.

 

Big picture here? You just liked a guy more than he liked you. That story is playing out a million times over as I write this sentence. Had you been with this guy for years, or married to him—well, I'd cut you a bit more slack to be spinning around about it 5 months later. But you've spent more time spinning around than you spent with him, and that speaks less about your connection and feelings than something inside of you screaming to be addressed. This is your spirit calling out for help, not your heart missing a man.

 

Actually I have never broken up with a guy after only dating a short time. If I do not like a guy, I will know immediately after meeting them or after the first date. I will then stop all contact and not lead them on. The only time I have broken up with someone, was after a 2 year relationship. And really that relationship should only have lasted a couple months. We were not right for each other in any sense. I don't get why that relationship was so long and this one short. It should have been the other way around.

In all honestly, getting broken up with after only dating a short time has now happened to me for the third time. The only difference is that the other times I got broken up with, I still had hope. Any other guy I meet just can't compare and that's why I wish we were back together.

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Totally ego, and it is huge. She cannot fathom that this guy is not into her, and keeps making all of these silly excuses.

 

I would actually like to point out that I have been broken up with more times than I have been the dumper. I am more used to a guy not liking me. I also never did any of the chasing with this guy. He did.

 

And I will see my friends a lot less often if I don't go to my hobby. I don't know what else we would do if I stop going. I occasionally watch a movie with some of them or they host a party but it's just not the same as enjoying our hobby together.

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Pink, our stories are so alike, down to the flirting with another girl in front of me. The difference is, my goal is to get over him. I suspect that you haven't gone through all the stages of a break up and instead, you're planning on how to get him back. If you are doing this, no amount of hobbies will help you get over him.

 

If you are mentally trying to get over him, then I do suggest you stop your hobby for a bit, not forever of course. This is exactly what I did with our common hobby. I stopped doing it for a month so I wouldn't bump into him and met our mutual friends elsewhere. I didn't unfriend him on fb, just unfollowed, because like you said, I'd still see what he's up to because of all our mutual friends. I've also tried really hard, to not check his page. It took me a little over a month to stop doing that.

 

I told him not to text me or anything and that I will text him when I'm over it. I haven't. Lately I've been wanting to text him, as a friend, but as I see I still have , maybe 1/10 of the feelings I had for him but they're still there, I'm not going to. Thing is, I too have thought "maybe he wants to talk to me but he can't because I forbid him to do so". I immediately stop my train of thoughts saying"if he wanted to be with me, he wouldn't break up with me twice". In your case, he has all the freedom to text you and hasn't. The only indicator you have are glimpses. It's too weak, you can't go on that. Don't read too much into it.

 

I know it was short term, but there must have been some negative things about him. Even the fact that he flirted with another woman in front of you. Both explanations of this are negative. Would you really like to be with a guy who uses another person to make you jealous? Or, would you really want to be with a guy who doesn't consider your feelings by flirting with another woman in front of you?(I'm assuming this happened soon after the break up, if it happened months after, than it doesn't count). I wouldn't.

 

Was what you had SOO good? I don't need an answer, just think about it. Even if you were perfectly fine with what you had, apparently he wasn't, and called it. It sucks, but it happens.

 

Best part, and this is what I kept telling myself on the rough days, even if you did get back together and everything was perfect the third time round, how can you possibly trust that he won't up and leave randomly?

 

Note: check out the attachment theory.

 

Well I'm glad someone is going through something similar. I have said this before though, he was actually gone for over a month so I had no choice but to not see him. Even that forced not seeing each other thing did not help me though. If I stop going to my hobby, it will probably be permanently or for at least a year. I don't want to stop because then I have no way to get better and practice. It's also now so ingrained in who I am as a person and what I do often. I don't even want to do something else on the evenings where it is hosted. I will probably stay at home and do nothing if I don't go and I think that would make things worse for me.

 

I know you are right, if he wants to contact me he will. I know the signs I have gotten from him are small but I know him. I can tell that he wants to talk to me even if it is to just be friendly. I just wonder if he thinks I am still angry at him.

 

The flirting with another woman thing was shortly after breaking up. Nothing like that has happened since. It did make me lose some attraction for him at the time but I have realized that he did it because he was hurt. I don't know what he was thinking would happen after he broke up with me a second time over text though.

 

For me, even though the relationship was short. It was the best I ever had and I just know I won't be lucky enough to find something like that again which is why I'm holding on I guess.

 

The second time we dated, things were maybe a bit awkward from breaking up once but he only started acting weird when he found out he might be moving. I don't think is fair to break up just because he is anxious about the future but I do think that was the underlying issue the second time around more than anything else. I would honestly give things another go if he ever admitted to that being the issue.

 

Have checked out attachment theory. I have secure attachment in most relationships. However, when a guy gets distant I immediately turn anxious. And that is because a guy I once dated used the silent treatment on me as a way to control me. I didn't even realize this was something I still had difficulty with until this relationship. I did recognize this and tried to deal with it but obviously I still have some traumatic stress from that incident. I wish I had gotten rid of all that before I started seeing the most recent guy, because then things would probably have been a lot better.

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I would actually like to point out that I have been broken up with more times than I have been the dumper. I am more used to a guy not liking me. I also never did any of the chasing with this guy. He did.

 

And I will see my friends a lot less often if I don't go to my hobby. I don't know what else we would do if I stop going. I occasionally watch a movie with some of them or they host a party but it's just not the same as enjoying our hobby together.

 

Why don't you ask them out to dinner, a picnic, hike. You said you did a lot of things with them and they were great friends. I am confused. You're talking out of both sides of your mouth.

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"For me, even though the relationship was short. It was the best I ever had and I just know I won't be lucky enough to find something like that again which is why I'm holding on I guess." Unhealthy thinking and what is preventing you from moving on. Please seek therapy!

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Hi pink, chiming in late but I have read this entire thread and can relate.

 

I understand exactly what you are experiencing -- a million people can encourage you to take steps to move on from your feelings, give you a million ways to do so, other hobbies, volunteering, etc but none of it is going to help because all that will do is mask the feelings, bury the feelings, it won’t do a damn thing to help you actually move on from your feelings. Speaking from experience when I say that.

 

The only thing that is going to do that is time, and that time differs for all of us. Some of us won’t ever move past a past love, and that’s okay as long as that person does not allow those feelings to interfere or negatively impact their life. Which sadly is what I see you doing now.

 

It took me two years to totally move on from my long term ex, but you know what? Although I have another bf now whom I love very much, there is another man, that I don’t speak about much on this forum, if at all, that I had a very short term interaction with, that I STILL harbor feelings for and that was three years ago!

 

The difference between you and I is that I don’t allow those feelings to control my life or negatively affect me, my life OR my relationship with my bf in any way. In short, I accept those feelings.

 

There is no way we will ever be together and I accept that too. So what do I do? I contain my feelings and “love” him from a distance (an emotional and mental distance).

 

One thing I have learned is that there are certain people we meet and get involved with in our lives (even for a very short while) who will always remain within us, in our hearts, in our souls. There is nothing to be done about this except ACCEPT that and not allow it to control your life.

 

What I see happening with you is that you assume your feelings mean you MUST be together with this guy. Says who, you? What about his feelings?

 

HE does not want to be together with you, just like the man I still harbor feelings for does not want to be together with me.

 

So what should you do? You can try doing as I do -- accept that, and choose to love him from a distance. Until time kicks in and you don’t anymore. Don’t fight it, don’t bury it, don’t mask it by burying yourself in other hobbies etc.

 

It doesn't work, as you have discovered much to the frustration of other posters advising you.

 

It’s OKAY to think about him. It’s even okay to wonder “what if.” But nonetheless, the key thing here is that you accept it’s over, and get on with your life.

 

NOT as a way to get over him, but because you’re young, and there WILL be other men you will meet eventually and get involved with despite your still loving this guy, IF you still do by then.

 

I am not sure if any of this is going to resonate with you, you seem hell bent on assuming your love for this guy means you must be together with him -- through hell or high water, you are going to make him yours!

 

Unfortunately, this is not how it works. And as long as you continue to hold tight to that delusion (which is what it is) you will never be able to accept it's over and move on with your life.

 

Moving on from your feelings may take more time, or perhaps you never will, that doesn't mean you still can't have a beautiful fulfilling life with another man or even alone if you so choose.

 

Wishing you the best of luck as you sort through this pink.

 

Remember, time is your biggest friend here.

Edited by katrina1980
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Why don't you ask them out to dinner, a picnic, hike. You said you did a lot of things with them and they were great friends. I am confused. You're talking out of both sides of your mouth.

 

I have said, those things are nice but the way I have really connected with these people is through our hobby. I also want to continue getting better at it and I know it's not helping me because I will have to see but why should I stop doing it because of my ex. I do want to still be with him but I also want my hobby. If I can't be with him at least I can still have my hobby.

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Pink, not sure if you read my last post, or if you even want to, but re your dance, continue with that. Don't lose your friends, friends are hard to come by, at least good ones.

 

If you run into him anywhere, remain pleasant.

 

But if you truly want to move on with your life, as I said in my previous post, you must ACCEPT it's over.

 

Again, it's okay to still love him, think about him, care about him, none of those emotions are going to kill you, or even harm you, not if you don't allow them too.

 

Like I said too, there are going to be people you meet and get involved with in your life, short while, long while, who will always remain within you.

 

That's OKAY, it means you experienced spending time with someone special (to you), someone who taught you a lot (about yourself mostly), that you are capable of loving and that is a good positive thing!

 

Imagine living your life never being able to love anyone, or ever have a feeling/emotion about someone.

 

That would be far worse, don't you think? I have experienced that (depression) and I think it is (far worse).

 

Personally, I would rather be dead than experience that again.

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