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To reach out to an ex or not?


pink334
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There is only one place you can do your hobby? What is it? Why don't you have additional interests?

 

Yes there is only one place. It is a not so well known partnered dance that I do and community is close-knit. The alternative I have is to move to a different city and join their community. I have actually really considered moving but that seems extreme. I do have other interests but I enjoy this hobby. If I stop going, I will have nowhere to practice. I will also lose my friends there and have less of a social life.

 

edit: part of the reason I want to talk to him is to sort this out. I have never experienced constantly having to see my ex. Obviously, I am not over him and seeing him there makes me just wish we were still together.

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You can check out other dancing options. You can also find other interests. What would you do if this partnered dance group shut down? You would have to find something else.

 

This is a good time to meet new friends and expand your social life. There is nothing to sort out, he is not interested in you. What are you not getting! If one of your girlfriend's came to you with the same issue, how would you advise her?

 

I hope that you do not humiliate yourself by asking him. You need to show yourself some self respect.

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You can check out other dancing options. You can also find other interests. What would you do if this partnered dance group shut down? You would have to find something else.

 

This is a good time to meet new friends and expand your social life. There is nothing to sort out, he is not interested in you. What are you not getting! If one of your girlfriend's came to you with the same issue, how would you advise her?

 

I hope that you do not humiliate yourself by asking him. You need to show yourself some self respect.

 

You do realize you are pretty much telling me to stop doing the something I love that has my biggest support network? So now I cannot have the man I love or the dance I love?

 

It took me a while to find this dance that I really enjoy. The other ones don't have the same kind of close community that I am looking for. This community has people around my age who really care about each other. I did a couple dances before but I am not interested in them anymore. Some of the other dances have much older crowds so I don't really want to go there. I do one other dance style which I will continue doing but it also happens to be his biggest passion. He has started doing this style less since his health complication but I know that eventually he will continue it again. Also I like dancing. I enjoy being active and social. I can't just change my identity.

 

edit: not to mention all the friends I will lose. I just started really feeling a part of this community. If I stop going I will be completely isolated. I only have one friend from university who I keep in touch with and she and i don't have much in common anymore

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You do realize you are pretty much telling me to stop doing the something I love that has my biggest support network? So now I cannot have the man I love or the dance I love?

 

It took me a while to find this dance that I really enjoy. The other ones don't have the same kind of close community that I am looking for. This community has people around my age who really care about each other. I did a couple dances before but I am not interested in them anymore. Some of the other dances have much older crowds so I don't really want to go there. I do one other dance style which I will continue doing but it also happens to be his biggest passion. He has started doing this style less since his health complication but I know that eventually he will continue it again. Also I like dancing. I enjoy being active and social. I can't just change my identity.

 

edit: not to mention all the friends I will lose. I just started really feeling a part of this community. If I stop going I will be completely isolated. I only have one friend from university who I keep in touch with and she and i don't have much in common anymore

 

The man that you love does not love you or want to be with you. You can give up the dancing. You can find other activities, as you are obsessed with this guy and should not be around him.

 

I think that that is a problem, if your only friends are in this group. You need to address that and expand your social circle.

 

If these are such great friends, then why can't you meet them outside of the dancing when he is not there?

 

Also, what will you do if he brings a new gf?

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but he is still the guy I want and need. I don't want someone else. There is no one else out there. I haven't met anyone in my entire life up to this point who I loved like him and there will not be another. I want it to work out with him

 

That may be, but it probably isn't going to happen.

 

I would encourage you to really take some time reflecting on why you're insisting on hanging on. It says more about you than him, really. You can continue to go to your dance classes, but know that you're also making it a lot more difficult on yourself. You very likely won't move on as long as you keep seeing him. You can't have it both ways, in this state. And it's going to hurt even worse should the day come that you learn he's dating someone else.

 

He doesn't feel the same way about you, girl. The ending you're hoping for is a construct of your false hope and imagination at this point. It sucks, but it's the truth of the situation.

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The man that you love does not love you or want to be with you. You can give up the dancing. You can find other activities, as you are obsessed with this guy and should not be around him.

 

I think that that is a problem, if your only friends are in this group. You need to address that and expand your social circle.

 

If these are such great friends, then why can't you meet them outside of the dancing when he is not there?

 

Also, what will you do if he brings a new gf?

 

I usually see my friends at dance. We make plans at dance. If I stop, I will lose these friends.

What else am I supposed to do for a hobby? This is what I do and I have invested time and money into this. I want to continue, I enjoy it.

If he brings a new girlfriend I don't know what I'll do. I have thought about that. I don't know.

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That may be, but it probably isn't going to happen.

 

I would encourage you to really take some time reflecting on why you're insisting on hanging on. It says more about you than him, really. You can continue to go to your dance classes, but know that you're also making it a lot more difficult on yourself. You very likely won't move on as long as you keep seeing him. You can't have it both ways, in this state. And it's going to hurt even worse should the day come that you learn he's dating someone else.

 

He doesn't feel the same way about you, girl. The ending you're hoping for is a construct of your false hope and imagination at this point. It sucks, but it's the truth of the situation.

 

then what am I supposed to do? If I can't have him and I can't dance. What purpose will I have?

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then what am I supposed to do? If I can't have him and I can't dance. What purpose will I have?

 

That is a sad and shocking statement. You have nothing else of interest in your life? I strongly suggest you see therapy. Now.

 

Have you eve considered volunteering? It is rewarding and you can meet many new people/friends.

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That is a sad and shocking statement. You have nothing else of interest in your life? I strongly suggest you see therapy. Now.

 

Have you eve considered volunteering? It is rewarding and you can meet many new people/friends.

 

usually I volunteer with my dance group. I have other hobbies but they are not social.

 

edit: and don't tell me to find another social hobby. do you realize how hard it is to get involved in something, enjoy it, and then stay long enough so you become a part of the community?! It usually takes 9-12 months. I am not starting over

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One last thing. If I were dating someone and knew that they only had two interests in life-and one of them was me-I would run. I would want someone more well rounded and not so limited and dependent.

 

Also, I have made a lot of friends through volunteering.

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One last thing. If I were dating someone and knew that they only had two interests in life-and one of them was me-I would run. I would want someone more well rounded and not so limited.

 

Also, I have made a lot of friends through volunteering.

 

I have other hobbies! I have tons of hobbies! I cycle, ice skate, bake, do yoga, learn languages. But all of those are individual!!!!!

what do you volunteer for?

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usually I volunteer with my dance group. I have other hobbies but they are not social.

 

edit: and don't tell me to find another social hobby. do you realize how hard it is to get involved in something, enjoy it, and then stay long enough so you become a part of the community?! It usually takes 9-12 months. I am not starting over

 

I give up! Good luck.

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Since you have mutual friends with him, just act natural. Don't be mean nor too nice; sort of in between. Just remain civil, polite yet distant in a respectful way. Don't try to be pals or friends. Be diplomatic and nothing else. Enforce healthy boundaries.

 

Forget about shared hobbies with your ex. Go your own way. It's unhealthy to dwell on your ex. It's time to move on with your life - - without him.

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I have other hobbies! I have tons of hobbies! I cycle, ice skate, bake, do yoga, learn languages. But all of those are individual!!!!!

what do you volunteer for?

 

I volunteer for an organization that offers english convo to new immigrants. I am the Unit Director of the group, which allows me to set up dinners and bring people together. We have become a big group of friends, both students and tutors.

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Another one of my projects was in Chinatown teaching computer basics,. Made a lot of friends through that group. All of the groups that I volunteer with on a weekly basis allows me to make friends and interact with others.

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Since you have mutual friends with him, just act natural. Don't be mean nor too nice; sort of in between. Just remain civil, polite yet distant in a respectful way. Don't try to be pals or friends. Be diplomatic and nothing else. Enforce healthy boundaries.

 

Forget about shared hobbies with your ex. Go your own way. It's unhealthy to dwell on your ex. It's time to move on with your life - - without him.

 

that is pretty much what i have been doing but it hasn't been working as you can tell. i feel bad not looking at him or talking at all though. i feel so sad around him and i don't know what to do

but these are also my hobbies, he just happens to be there too

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Since you have mutual friends with him, just act natural. Don't be mean nor too nice; sort of in between. Just remain civil, polite yet distant in a respectful way. Don't try to be pals or friends. Be diplomatic and nothing else. Enforce healthy boundaries.

 

Forget about shared hobbies with your ex. Go your own way. It's unhealthy to dwell on your ex. It's time to move on with your life - - without him.

 

The problem is is that she sees him at the dance. She cannot get over him if she sees him on a regular basis.

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Another one of my projects was in Chinatown teaching computer basics,. Made a lot of friends through that group. All of the groups that I volunteer with on a weekly basis allows me to make friends and interact with others.

 

those all sound nice but they are not my thing. i like being active and socializing which is why dance works for me. i have met way more people since i started doing this than any other volunteer gig I've had (and i have done many) or other hobby. I used to volunteer for a convention in my city, had friends through there but the leadership changed and I am not really into the convention anymore anyways.

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The problem is is that she sees him at the dance. She cannot get over him if she sees him on a regular basis.

 

my dance group does lots of things together. sometimes he is there, sometimes he is not. i want to continue doing this style of dance though. i have already signed myself up for a weekend near the end of this month (not sure if he will be there) and I plan on going to an out-of-town event in a few months (he will probably be there). honestly, stopping is not going to go well for me. i really enjoy this and i don't really want another hobby. i thought eventually seeing him would get easier but it has not.

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then what am I supposed to do? If I can't have him and I can't dance. What purpose will I have?

 

This is your wake-up call that you need to expand your life, OP.

 

Centering your whole world around some guy you dated a few months and one single hobby isn't healthy. You badly need to look at extending your horizons, making new friends, and building up your life so you aren't totally lost when one aspect of it doesn't work out.

 

This could be part of the reason he ended it with you. Most men are not going to be comfortable if they sense a woman doesn't have much of a life outside of them and depend too heavily on them for purpose and happiness, especially when the relationship was quite short. It's too much pressure and just not attractive. The more you write, the more I am convinced that he saw this in you and backed away. If it's obvious to us here on the anonymous internet, it will magnified in person. I guarantee it.

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This is your wake-up call that you need to expand your life, OP.

 

Centering your whole world around some guy you dated a few months and one single hobby isn't healthy. You badly need to look at extending your horizons, making new friends, and building up your life so you aren't totally lost when one aspect of it doesn't work out.

 

This could be part of the reason he ended it with you. Most men are not going to be comfortable if they sense a woman doesn't have much of a life outside of them and depend too heavily on them for purpose and happiness, especially when the relationship was quite short. It's too much pressure and just not attractive. The more you write, the more I am convinced that he saw this in you and backed away. If it's obvious to us here on the anonymous internet, it will magnified in person. I guarantee it.

 

ok i am a bit emotional so i think that is coming across more than anything but i do have lots of other hobbies.

 

I have even found new hobbies since the break up to keep myself busy. And there were hobbies i had that kept me busy during certain nights of the week while we were dating so he knows i have other things. He even said that he was happy with me doing my own thing. I kept myself busy on nights too when he had his own thing going on. I think it is perfectly normal and healthy to do that as a couple. Actually it was quite refreshing because the guy i dated before him didn't have his own stuff. I had to see him every saturday night to hangout for example because he didn't have anything else going on.

 

The reason i keep saying that i won't have something else is because i have made a lot of friends in this hobby. I feel like i have finally found my niche and that was such a hard thing to find

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Keep working on those other hobbies, too.

 

You're operating under the assumption that your ex will always be there. He might not be. When he starts dating someone else, his attention could easily drift elsewhere and you naturally won't see him as much anymore. Or, he might simply prioritize other interests.

 

I think your biggest problem right now is that you don't want to let go, so you are making all kinds of excuses not to do so. You want someone here to encourage you to reach out to him, as I'm reading it, so you are trying to frame your situation as having basically no other options so you might as well get in touch with him. That's my strong impression from your posts, for what it's worth. As long as you keep that up, you will remain in a painful place for a very long time.

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Keep working on those other hobbies, too.

 

You're operating under the assumption that your ex will always be there. He might not be. When he starts dating someone else, his attention could easily drift elsewhere and you naturally won't see him as much anymore. Or, he might simply prioritize other interests.

 

I think your biggest problem right now is that you don't want to let go, so you are making all kinds of excuses not to do so. You want someone here to encourage you to reach out to him, as I'm reading it, so you are trying to frame your situation as having basically no other options so you might as well get in touch with him. That's my strong impression from your posts, for what it's worth. As long as you keep that up, you will remain in a painful place for a very long time.

 

I have done a lot of things to move on and nothing has helped. I am starting to accept that I will not move on. I really still want to reach out though so we can at least be nice to each other. Even though he doesn't want me and will eventually find someone else. I can be happy knowing that things are ok between us.

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