Jump to content

Should I cut my best friend off?


Recommended Posts

@Misscanuck and @LH Girl... make sure you guys read another message I wrote right before this one. (I think we were all typing at the same time) But thank you guys for taking the time to give me your thoughts and input.

 

I read it. It doesn't change my opinion.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Happy pride from Los Angeles!

 

Sorry you're going through this. Joining in with the others, something here just sounds....off. A touch unhealthy. Maybe it's that you have more feelings for him than he does you—not saying romantically, but just a higher octane, a more focused emotional investment. Or maybe it's just that you guys don't quite sync up in your expectations of communication.

 

I have two friends who live faraway, among my "best" friends, who I get into some long text chats with—well, now one, since one moved to my city a few months ago and so we no longer really need to text. Anyhow, often one of us will just kind of drop off in the middle, for a day, for a week. Who knows why? A friend comes over in real life, or a movie comes on, or one of us just feel like sitting silently and staring into space. Point is, it's not a problem. It just...is not. Which is why these friendships work.

 

Guess what I'm saying is that I'm 100 percent okay with the idea that sometimes these people might just not want to talk to me when I want to talk to them—that "busy" can mean just that. Busy being themselves. Doesn't have to mean they're working two jobs, taking care of two kids, walking six dogs, or winning some award for Busiest Human on the Planet. They like me and care about me, a lot. And I them. I know this, end scene.

 

I get the feeling that, aside from this friend, you don't have a lot of other things/people in your life that you're heavily invested in emotionally. Might be worth thinking about. Just like money, it's good to spread investments out a bit: put everything in one stock and you watch it like a hawk, getting very antsy when it dips just a bit; when they money is spread out in a few stocks you don't care so much when one isn't performing in exactly the way you hope it will.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

@bluecastle. Thanks for your comments. I like what you said, especially the last paragraph. We'll see what happens though. I think I'm pretty much done with him. Whether or not our communication expectations match up or not is one thing (like what you said), but I feel like if you can't respect me enough/have the decency to acknowledge that I'm trying to ask about the issue when you know it bothers me, than why bother at all.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I hear you. Feeling respected is key. But so is respecting that others may just operate differently than you, rather than taking those differences as personal affronts and/or displays of disrespect.

 

Most of my friends have qualities that annoy me, frustrate me. They're low-grade, which is why we're friends. When you turn these sorts of things into an issue of "respect" you're making something personal that doesn't need to be. Might just be a compatibility thing, but might also be that you don't have one or four other places where these feelings can be released.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I actually think the vast majority of people are like your friend in this scenario, at least my in personal experience. I would perceive your expectations as demanding and needy. I usually tell people when I have to go, but it's not unusual at all for conversations to drop off right in the middle and resume hours later, days later--this morning someone resumed a very personal conversation about their divorce where I had left them with a question weeks later.

 

The only exception I've seen to this random dropping off in my life has been when someone is romantically interested in me--and even then it might occur occasionally. That's why some posters are perceiving that you may have interest that you're in denial about or at least expectations on par with being a boyfriend to your friend.

 

I think you'll have this "issue" with 90%+ other people, so I would honestly keep your expectations in check or not communicate via text if you find that too difficult.

 

Edited to add: I hope this didn't come across as too mean or blunt, that wasn't my intention. My overall point is that I think you'll have a hard time finding someone who doesn't do this.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

@HealingLight. No, you didn't come across as mean or anything and I get what you're saying. I don't know. I feel like though, where is the consideration for me when I've stated/requested already that he not do that? I have never asked anything of him except this one thing and it's not like the request is an out of this world 100% ridiculous request. He isn't just some joe blow "occasional" friend. He's supposed to be a best friend and I would hope that he would have more care to how I feel about the situation.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

@Cherylyn. Good morning. It's not that I have too much time on my hands (except maybe weekends when I'm off haha). I work a full time time job AND hit the gym 4x a week. Being an "Uber" for your family hardly constitutes as being Level 10 Super Busy. Sorry. I'm not trying to degrade him, but it's true. You (he) can easily get in a message at any given point whereas I would have to choose my spots since I am working. I feel like everyone is reading/treating this as we've been texting for hours on whatever day and then all of a sudden it happens to take him a while to reply to the next message. That's not what I'm trying to relay. I don't like it when I ask a question and he chooses to ignore it. Apparently he doesn't seem to care if I am actually trying to take a moment to ask/find out what is going on. I do not see how I am at fault with that especially since I've asked in the past to be mindful of that.

 

If he is an Uber for his family, he shouldn't text and drive and should pay attention to the person he is with.

You are being too much drama.

I hate it when people say "are you busy? Good, then i have a favor..""

 

If you have a question, just ask him a question. No song and dance "I have a question to ask you". Just ask it. he wll respond when he can. ANd some questions require thought and consideration and time

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I feel like though, where is the consideration for me when I've stated/requested already that he not do that? I have never asked anything of him except this one thing and it's not like the request is an out of this world 100% ridiculous request.

 

But given that your relationship was built primarily in pixels and primarily exists in pixels this "one thing" is kind of the equivalent of asking him to be someone else. In his shoes, for instance, he may very well see things differently: that you two talk a lot, are in touch a lot, but that when there's a slight dip—a dangling text, a day or two of silence—you want more. A "more" that simply isn't inside of him to give.

 

Not blaming you, not blaming him. I will say, by the sounds of it, that you expect more from him, communication-wise, than I expect from my girlfriend, from any of my friends, and more from what most people I know expect from friends, lovers, partners. This morning, for instance, I responded to a text from a best friend. She'd sent it three days earlier. If I had to guess the amount of time she spent wondering why I hadn't responded I'd peg it at exactly zero seconds.

 

As Healing said, what you're expecting from him is, for most, a very narrow needle to thread.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

@bluecastle.. No I'm fine with the dip in text messages. There have been plenty of times where we didn't talk for a few days. And that's just perfectly fine. During those moments, there was no drop off from the face of the earth. We could go a month without talking and I would be fine if I just had the courtesy heads-up. I think somehow the through everyone's messages, the topic got skewed to I'm expecting/Wanting us to be texting all day vs hey, just let me know SOMETHING so we aren't leaving off with me asking you a question and then radio silence. We've actually been chatting some tonight via text because he finally decided now was the time to send a message once he saw I deleted him on PlayStation. But I think I know what I'm going to do from here so I can probably close this post.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

@bluecastle.. No I'm fine with the dip in text messages. There have been plenty of times where we didn't talk for a few days. And that's just perfectly fine. During those moments, there was no drop off from the face of the earth. We could go a month without talking and I would be fine if I just had the courtesy heads-up. I think somehow the through everyone's messages, the topic got skewed to I'm expecting/Wanting us to be texting all day vs hey, just let me know SOMETHING so we aren't leaving off with me asking you a question and then radio silence. We've actually been chatting some tonight via text because he finally decided now was the time to send a message once he saw I deleted him on PlayStation. But I think I know what I'm going to do from here so I can probably close this post.

 

You are in denial. You are NOT ok with a dip in communication.

Not everyone tells you that they won't be responding for a month because they don't plan things that way.

That actually is a bit childish to delete him on playstation to punish him for not texting you.

You need to find more friends.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If any of my friends demanded that I either respond within a time frame THEY set or "explain" why I didn't respond, I would not want to continue that friendship.

 

Some of my friends drop off for a while. I don't take it as a slam or some kind of hostile act. I presume they're doing something else.

 

Heck, one of my kids hasn't emailed a pic they promised to send a couple of weeks ago! I have to presume it'll get done eventually. Or, it won't. No biggie either way.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

@abitbroken. Not childish at all. If I were speaking to you through text and you asked me a question, I would not just let it sit. I would answer you or let you know that I can't talk at the moment or say give me a minute. That's just proper courtesy. That's not asking for much. And to prove your point wrong, like I said before, there have been PLENTY of times when we haven't talked for many many days and I said not a single word. I just find it very funny how everyone feels like I don't have the right to let someone know something that rubs me the wrong way. That's what you do. You speak up otherwise, nothing gets solved because the issue hasn't been brought up. If I never said anything, you guys would be all like "Oh well that's your fault for not saying anything". Also, you can save the judgmental comments for another post.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

@mysteryguy01. Good day to you, too. I'm a mother and "Uber" for my family so I know exactly what Level 10 Super Busy is. Family members are extremely busy with their daily lives. There are errands such as grocery shopping, buying gas, other shopping, school drop off / pick up, medical / dental appointments, extracurricular activities, their friends, urgent dashing out the door, etc. This is everyday life for families. It gets crazy busy with members of the household. In addition to that, people need to take care of their personal needs, they have chores and tasks to do. Other times, they need to chill and catch a break away from all electronics, communication and correspondence in order to get what little is left of their sanity. Being single and living alone is a heck of a lot different than living with other people under one roof. Even though you're very busy, it's even busier when you have to cater to other people's needs in your house.

 

If he's not a good communicator for you and you're frustrated by his inability to answer your straight question, then perhaps he's not your best friend anymore. You either accept him the way he is or get another friend to replace him in your life.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

@mysteryguy01. Good day to you, too. You work full time and hit the gym 4x a week. However, you live by yourself and you're not responsible for other people in your house. I'm a mother and "Uber" driver with responsibilities for others in my house. There are numerous errands to run for myself, for the home, for others and yes, it is Level 10 Super Busy. Other people have school, extracurricular activities, friends, medical / dental appointments, urgent 'dash out the door' driving runs and it's crazy busy chauffeuring and catering to people other than yourself.

 

If your best friend doesn't give you a straight answer to your question and you're frustrated by it, know that you can't change nor control him. He is who he is. This is how people are. Either accept the way he is or find another friend to replace him in your life.

 

I have people in my life who don't answer my questions either. I don't like it anymore than you do. I accept them if I can't rid of them in my life and I don't engage much with them anymore. I'm polite and civil with them. You have to learn to adapt. Or, if I can afford to cut certain people out of my life, I do just that. Those are your choices and this is the reality check.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I find it odd that you two even went from friends to "best friends" as if it were some sort of spoken agreement and relationship milestone, to be honest. "It's only after our long awaited first meeting that we made the "official" jump from friends to best friends." Whose suggestion was that? It sounds like it didn't happen that organically. I remember doing things like that with friends when we were much, much younger, but as adults - best friend status just sort of happened over time as we grew closer. It's not something I have thought to "officially" put a label past the age of about 18. I don't say that to be unkind, but to question the overall dynamic and skewed investment from each of you.

 

Again, I feel you are treating this much more like a romantic relationship than a friendship. I think he thinks so too, which is why he's not that close to you right now and not responding on your timeline.

 

You are going to struggle a lot with friendships if you insist on behaving this way.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So Hollyj, are you saying that if you were texting your best friend and started off with (lets say) hey whatcha doing? And he/she said something like Ohh nothing much, just watching tv. And then you said Ohh okay. Well hey, there's something I want to ask. And then he/she NEVER send anything else.... You're telling me you wouldn't feel some kind of way about that?

 

I wouldn't feel any kind of way about that, I'd assume that the person was off doing life.

 

You are far too invested in messaging. Back off, get a grip, explore some interests outside of the home, make some real life friends, and you'll gain a healthier perspective.

 

You can cut the guy off, it's not against the law, it just won't buy you anyone else's compliance with your laser beam focus on messaging. Expand your own vision, and you'll be far more relaxed about how quickly people are willing to drop what they are doing to type with you.

 

Head high, and read my sig.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

  • Top Discussions this Week

  • Our picks

    • Why You Should NEVER Chase Your Ex
      You should NEVER chase your ex, no matter what... even if you want to get back together. In this video, I’ll explain what exactly I mean by that… and why it’s so important if you want your ex back. Here's the simple truth: if you DO want to give yourself the best possible chance of starting over with your ex, you simply CANNOT let yourself start chasing them… it just doesn’t work, even though it’s the natural human reaction to a breakup and often feels like the right way to get them back. Even if you DON'T want your ex back, you still shouldn't let yourself chase after them. Watch the full video to find out why...

       
      • 0 replies
    • How Do You Know She’s The One? 5 Signs She’s The One & 1 Red Flag! 🚩
      How Do You Know She’s The One? 5 Signs She’s The One & 1 Red Flag! 🚩... In this dating advice video, I will explain to you how to know she’s the one and give you five signs she’s the one as well as give you one red flag that you need to look out for. You may want to know whether she’s the one on first dates, online dating, or somewhere in the dating process. Take heed to these dating tips and be sure to watch the entire video.

       
      • 0 replies
    • 5 Odd Signs You're Seeking Approval from Others Outside of Yourself
      In this YouTube Video, Lisa A Romano discusses 5 signs that indicate you're still seeking approval from others outside of you. If you are codependent, and you struggle with self-love, you may not realize the signs you're seeking approval from others. Childhood trauma and emotional neglect lead to a sense of feeling unseen. If you feel unseen, you may seek approval in odd ways. It may not be obvious when you are looking for validation from others. In this video, Lisa A Romano breaks down these 5 signs, and what they mean; hypervigilance, neediness, low self-worth, never feeling fulfilled and what it means when you become a perpetual seeker.

       
      • 0 replies
    • 3 Simple Strategies To Ditch The Imposter Syndrome
      Have you ever felt like you're a fraud who doesn't belong? According to a recent article published in the International Journal of Behavioral Science, seven in every ten people have or will experience impostor syndrome at some point in their lives. We couldn't see our tribe suffering from this anymore, so we brought in the person who'll help you ditch this feeling for good. In this video, peak performance expert Shadé Zahrai joins Vishen to discuss how to supercharge your life and improve your self-esteem by constructing your own reality, leveraging your self-awareness, and regaining control over your inner critic

       
      • 0 replies
    • 5 Things People Who’ve Been Mentally Abused Do
      Do you know how common mental abuse is? According to The National Center for Biotechnology Information, 80 percent of the population has experienced some form of abusive relationship and behavior. However, despite how frequent it is, emotional abuse is still hard to spot. Unlike physical abuse, mental abuse doesn’t leave any visible scars; instead, it affects someone’s behavior, mindset, and mentality. This means some people deny they’ve been mentally abused, and others may not even recognize the toxic behavior. So, whether you’re reading this to be able to recognize emotional abuse in others or recognize it in yourself, these a few things people who’ve been mentally abused do are sure to help you be more empathetic and kinder.

       
      • 0 replies
×
×
  • Create New...