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Should I cut my best friend off?


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So here's a little background info. I'm a guy and my best friend is a guy who lives in another state. We've known each other for several years via PlayStation and just recently over the past few months, have had the opportunity to finally meet in person. (10 years in the making and he's visited here 3 times and I've been there once). It's only after our long awaited first meeting that we made the "official" jump from friends to best friends. We just have a really good connection with each other, despite the fact that I'm a gay male and he is a straight male.

 

 

It's the weirdest thing now though. During our years of near daily chatting on PlayStation, texting, and occasional phone calls, I can only recall only once when we weren't on the same page and stopped talking for a year. (On his behalf, which he admitted he dropped the ball and extended the olive branch a year later). Now that we've met in person, there have been like THREE times (over the past 2 months) where he and I got into it and I was ready to call it quits.

 

 

So here is the most recent issue. It's a matter of our texting conversation and knowing when the conversation is over and not being ignored. Over this past week alone, I can count about 4 times where we are in the middle of a conversation or it's just getting started and he just flat out does not respond to the last thing I said. I'll give it plenty of time and then give one to two follow up texts that are basically like hey, you still there.

 

We've had this conversation before and this was actually one of the previous fights. We've also been in this scenario a few times before as well. He will say something like "Well I don't check my phone every single minute" (Well if you are in the middle of a conversation, shouldn't you be doing that?) OR "I didn't feel like what you said was good enough to continue the conversation" (which really irked me. He said this all because we were talking one day and he told me what he was doing and I responded with "Oh I see") OR "I didn't have time to respond because I was busy" (To which I said was perfectly fine, but please don't start a text conversation if you are busy and know that you are going to write two sentences and not respond to my message until 10 hours later. JUST DON'T START THE MESSAGE TO BEGIN WITH. JUST WAIT.)

 

I should let everyone know that he does NOT work or anything. His typical daily routine is chauffeuring around his family members that he lives with and running errands for the family. (Because no one other than him can/will drive for various reasons). Anyhow, I honestly believe that he is dropping the ball and making me feel like crap.

 

When we talked about this in the past, he was very defensive and that's what lead to an argument. Eventually he said that he would do better but I'm not seeing it. And yes, I have a history of depression (which I've been fine over the past 10 years up until these recent months) and yes I'm a loner and extremely short on friends. In order to spare my emotions, I'm thinking about either ignoring him or cutting him off completely. I don't know what to do. The incident last night.... just started a text conversation, exchanged like four sentences, then he stopped replying. And we were both online on PlayStation so in between my reply and then follow-up reply #1 and #2, I could see he was switching out games so he was obviously still there but didn't answer. He completely left me hanging last night. Today I followed up and sent a "hey" text message. Nothing. Few minutes later sent a message that said will you please talk to me. Finally got a reply a few minutes later that said hang on he was driving. Like an hour and a half later, got a text that he was at the mall with his siblings and cousin. I asked if he was able to tell me what happened last night and he has yet to respond. That last message I sent was 8 hours ago and despite politely asking if he can let me know what happened last night, I still have not heard back.

 

Please help guys. What's your advice? And incase anyone is wondering (to affect what advice you give), no I am NOT in love with him.

I know it may seem overkill to end a friendship over this but I have already told him previously how I felt about this and how common courtesy would be nice.

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Sometimes i text with friends -- start working on something and then pick up the convo days later. My close friend and i have significant others, careers that don't have a regular 9 to 5 schedule, etc, and consume our time. You are treating him expecting him to act like a boyfriend - not a long distance friend. Try this -- its texting. When he doesn't respond, just let him respond when he can. Don't keep asking questions. Just go with the flow, and things will improve. you may need to also fill your life with friends close by as well. I would not cut him off. You are expecting way too much of him

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Yes, I work full time. And no, not too many people that I hang out with. There are maybe a handful of women that I used to work with that I may occasionally see, but not on the regular. And he doesn't work because he is technically not medically cleared (auto accident a few years ago with ongoing court case). He's not mangled or crippled or anything. Just a technicality I guess. And I want to be clear about the texting issue, it's not like I'm saying hey, lets text 15 hours straight. I just have a huge problem with the whole purposely not responding thing. Like, don't finally reply to me and then after I reply, you don't say anything else the entire day. Also keep in mind I have brought my concerns to his attention and just like today, I asked if he could let me know what happened last night and he hasn't said anything else. I'm not saying I know everything in his life, but I know enough that he isn't THAT busy. I'm just asking for some respect and courtesy. I compare it to as if we were talking on the phone, then he hung up and didn't answer when I called back.

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Imo, you need to change your expectations of him rather than cut him off. You need to stop taking this so personally. Texting is not viewed as seriously by everyone. The comparison to a phone conversation is not valid imo. It sounds like he belongs to the group of people who views it as a casual thing that can be interrupted at any time. It's not about you, it's how he is as a person.

 

Imo, you need to stop attaching so much importance to his rate of text replies and you need to seek friends closer to home. Relying so much on one person for social connection is too much of a burden to place to one person, especially if it's a long distance friendship. You need to find people with whom you can have conversations in person.

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I think the problem is that you have a zero social life, and a lack of real friends you can interact with on a regular basis. You can't have a healthy relationship through texts. I strongly suggest you make a huge effort to make new friends, then you will not be so dependent on this guy. This is not healthy.

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I like your resonse

But what would you say about the other stuff? Like the fact how I've mentioned to him before how it bugs me.

 

And then also how I asked today what happened last night. When I asked about last night, he replied in like one min and said what do you mean to which I promptly explained what I was talking about and if he could elaborate on what happened. For me to not get any response after that, you have to admit, that goes beyond having a bad response time. It would have taken like 5 seconds to say something like "oh, I was half asleep when we were texting and my phone was on vibrate and I didn't hear it and fell asleep".

(Just an example bc that's not what happened. He was perfectly capable last night of switching out games on PS4 so he was perfectly capable to respond)

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What would you call "real friends"? Ironically enough, before we ever met in person, things were pretty much fine. And we have had a few opportunities to hang out in person so it's not a friendship that is 100% through text. If I had this issue with anyone else, I would feel/say the same thing.

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People that have things going on in their life are not attached to their phones and do not constantly give immediate responses. if you had something going on with yours, you wouldn't care. If a friend came at me with your complaints, i would end the relationship. Your actions are odd for a friendship.

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@Hollyj. I promise I'm not, haha. There is nothing to obsess over. I work, I have my own place, my own car. He only has one of those.

He's just a good friend that I wish would stop doing one particular thing. Everyone seems to be overlooking how I've already taken the steps and discussed my concerns to him and that he's still doing it. Where is the fault on his end for letting my concerns fall on deaf ears?

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So Hollyj, are you saying that if you were texting your best friend and started off with (lets say) hey whatcha doing? And he/she said something like Ohh nothing much, just watching tv. And then you said Ohh okay. Well hey, there's something I want to ask. And then he/she NEVER send anything else.... You're telling me you wouldn't feel some kind of way about that?

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Either you accept it, or you don't. You cannot change him.

 

You need to focus on yourself. You need friends that you can have a normal friendship with. One where you actually hang out and have a good time, not one that involves clicks on a phone. Address your own problems.This sounds so lonely and unhealthy.

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Well thank you for your comments!! I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read and give their opinions. Just as a friendly suggestion though, you might not want to come down so hard on people with harsh judgement. Something that seems so trivial to you could be something that matters to someone else. But once again, thank you for taking the time to voice your opinions! I hope you have a good rest of the night.

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Happy Pride too from Vancouver. I don't think text messages are supposed to go on like a face to face conversation. I'd rather speak on the phone. Have you ever just tried calling him on the phone if you want to chat? He also sounds like a typical friend. He may also leave his phone on silent or vibrate and just gets to it whenever he gets to it. Take it easy. Don't wait like that for texts. Go do something else and enjoy the game with other friends.

 

To answer your header question.. no, don't cut him off. Just be cool, don't be afraid to do your own thing sometimes and enjoy other company.

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I think you're creating unnecessary drama.

 

Keep in mind, texting, emails, messaging and voicemails are a time trap. People are very busy with their own lives and you need to respect other people's time and space. Cell phones or PCs are equated as a ball 'n chain with relentless back 'n forth correspondence. Give the guy a break.

 

Know he is very busy driving / chauffeuring his family, running errands and contributing by helping his household. He has responsibilities whereas you have far too much time on your hands.

 

Suggest to chat on the phone verbally by appointment only and infrequently since he has schedules and caters to his family. Back off.

 

If you cannot and will not reach some sort of reasonable compromise with him and if you don't know what boundaries are, I suggest you end your friendship with him. You are relying on him too much to be your everything.

 

You need your own life outside friendships. You are perceived as insecure, needy and clingy. Stop obsessing over your best friend; soon to be ex-friend.

 

If you continue to bother, badger, pester and hound him, you'll push him away to the point of estrangement.

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I think the real problem here is that you are clearly romantically interested and he isn't.

 

You are framing this as if he's a partner rather than a friend. Your expectations are too high and not realistic for a platonic friendship. You can either take it or leave it, but you will find similar problems in other friendships if you continue to expect a friend to behave like a boyfriend might.

 

Sorry man, but this one is on you.

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@Cherylyn. Good morning. It's not that I have too much time on my hands (except maybe weekends when I'm off haha). I work a full time time job AND hit the gym 4x a week. Being an "Uber" for your family hardly constitutes as being Level 10 Super Busy. Sorry. I'm not trying to degrade him, but it's true. You (he) can easily get in a message at any given point whereas I would have to choose my spots since I am working. I feel like everyone is reading/treating this as we've been texting for hours on whatever day and then all of a sudden it happens to take him a while to reply to the next message. That's not what I'm trying to relay. I don't like it when I ask a question and he chooses to ignore it. Apparently he doesn't seem to care if I am actually trying to take a moment to ask/find out what is going on. I do not see how I am at fault with that especially since I've asked in the past to be mindful of that.

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@MissCanuck. Good morning. No, I am not in love with him. There are no romantic feelings between us. Text has always been our primary mode of communication (#2 being voice chat on PlayStation and #3 being actual phone call) I do not think it is such a high expectation to simply follow something that I have requested a few times in the past to him already. (Ex 1- Hey, if you know you are busy and will take 20 hours to respond to my very first reply, just don't send the starter text to begin with. Just wait.

 

Ex 2- Take the situation above but just have him add in something simple like "hey, I'm also doing things right now so might not be able to respond for a while.)

 

 

But most importantly, don't ignore me/the issue at hand when I ask/bring it to your (his) attention again, like yesterday.

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But most importantly, don't ignore me/the issue at hand when I ask/bring it to your (his) attention again, like yesterday.

 

You can't make someone behave the way you feel is best, OP. You can't make someone see things from your point of view when he just doesn't see it the same way.

 

I actually think he is purposely taking distance from you because he isn't comfortable with the demands you make on his time and attention. Read between the lines here a bit and stop pushing for more. You say you have no feelings for him, but it sure doesn't come across that way and I have to wonder if he is concerned about the same thing. If you keep pressing the issue, you are going to find yourself with his friendship altogether. I have a friend who behaved and felt similarly to you, and I found that we were just not compatible as friends. We had two vastly different perspectives about what we wanted from a friendship and I didn't feel comfortable with her emotional attachment to me. I would not be surprised at all if he's keeping you at arm's length for the same reason now.

 

You don't have to agree with it. But you can't change people. He is who he is, and you are who are you. Take it or leave it. You've said your piece. He can do with that as he pleases. If you don't like it, you don't have to stay friends with him.

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There's another thread right now about hating texting. I, too, hate texting, unless it's for arranging logistics, or a simple hi.

 

Texting shouldn't go on for hours and hours.

 

I get that you two met online, so electronic communication is your norm, your base, but your friendship should have moved past texting, to calls and hanging out in person, a long time ago.

 

Because it has not, you have become very dependent on the little text "dings", which have been linked to dopamine response, a la slot machines.

 

Stop the texting altogether. Other than "Hey what's up", and then moving to phone calls, where you can have an actual conversation.

 

To answer your original question, as to why he suddenly drops off of a conversation? Well, I liken that to someone suddenly hanging up on a call. It's rude, and it's abysmal behavior, and with as many times as you've expressed how much you can't stand it, and he continues to do it, well me.....I'd drop the call....permanently.

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And also as an update to everything, let me just add I was on PlayStation late last night enjoying a game when he signed online and popped in a game of his own.

If he's got time to do that, then there was plenty of time to answer my question in the proceeding 10+ hours.

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And also as an update to everything, let me just add I was on PlayStation late last night enjoying a game when he signed online and popped in a game of his own.

If he's got time to do that, then there was plenty of time to answer my question in the proceeding 10+ hours.

 

Yes, exactly. So, let that be your sign that he doesn't want to talk to you right now, OP.

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We cross-posted. I posted just above you, #22, where I say this is rude of him, so please read that post.

 

He obviously doesn't care that this bothers you, and it creates a jerky, last-word type of world for him.

 

Which causes you to constantly check when he's online, ooooh, he's there now, why hasn't he responded to me? I know he's just sitting there! I'm not chastising you, because I've done that too! Checking to see whether someone's online, but they haven't responded to me. I get it, it's so hurtful, but this isn't healthy for you.

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