GarryGlascoe Posted June 28, 2019 Share Posted June 28, 2019 Im 37, and i've reached the point that I cannot fathom going on anymore. Yeah, there are certain things to be thankful for. But the things most important are escaping me. My marriage failed. I have a 4yr old son who is my world. In my 37 years, i feel like I have endured alot of suffering, no doubt a large portion of that due to my own choices. But im tired of it. Im tired of life. Tired of the suffering. I work a full time job, have done for years. But the cost of living has become so ridiculous, its hard to survive. My car is old and ty, as is my rental house. I've suffered depression for at least 6 years. The last year, I have developed general anxiety. Im sick of society. The judgement. The expectations. how fake people are, and their misleading agendas. The world is full of takers, and rife with greed. I used to be an extrovert, well liked by everyone. Now, I rarely leave the house. I was single for 5 years after my marriage, and eventually got to a good place alone. I got to see my son every weekend, and he brightened my world. This year, its all just coming crashing down. I met an old high school sweetheart, and we struck it off. She lived 500kms away, but we entered into a LDR. We gelled excellently, but it turns out long distance is hard. We both put in a heap of effort, but alas called it quits mutually a few months ago. I had been alone so long, I forgot how good it was to have a partner, and feel supported, and loved. Letting go has been really difficult. Mainly because neither of us fell out of love, just that the distance was too much, and obviously it just wasnt ment to be. From there, it just spiralled. My old 4wd broke down. Some unkind people burned my guitar in a bonfire. I went on a date to try fill the gap, but alas that too was a nightmare. I literally gave up, and resigned to just staying home, and avoiding everyone and everything. I stumble like a zombie through the week, pretending Im okay. The only reason I do it, is for my son. Having him brings me the only happiness in my life. He doesnt judge me, and loves me for me. Theres nothing more comforting than having him lay his little head on my chest while we watch a movie together. Its for these moments, and for him, that I continue to get up every day, and keep going on in this miserable life. This week my best mates girlfriend died of cancer. She was 21. And today, my ex came to tell me she intends on moving 1000km away with my son. Im devastated. Her family/living arrangements arent great, and she has a new partner in this new place. She is worried about how this is affecting our son. So now I've got a horrible decision to make. I can legally prevent her from leaving. Keeping my shinning light, my son, close to me. But in doing this, i'll be making her miserable, and also affecting him. I dont want to be selfish. I dont want to do that. The other, is to let her, and my son go. I'll become only a memory to him. At least she will be happier, and in turn, that would make him happier. But I'm not sure I can go on without him. Without him close, without bonding with him regularly, my life feels pointless. He was the last and only reason I'm still here. I dont like either option. I dont know what to do. My closest choice atm is to do the right thing, and let them go. Soon he will get used to not having me around. If it becomes to unbearablefor me, I can end my long sufferring, and it will affect him less. I dont want him to turn out like me. I am a good, kind, loving thoughtful man. But all this has caused me in life is pain. Now i'm but a shell of who I used to be, crippled with depression and anxiety. Its probably better he doesnt grow up around that. I know its extremely selfish, he deserves to have a dad. But the last thing i want is him seeing what a broken man Ive become. I'd rather he at least had the memories of his young years with me, and all the fun times we had together. I love my son so much. I hate how Ive ended up like this I feel so empty I feel so alone. I just want this nightmare to end. Link to comment
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