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Here again. Updates in relation to previous situation and further advice needed


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Just an update as I’m still feeling a little down and confused. We have been back 2 days with minimal contact. His last response was ‘okay’ which I did not respond to.

 

I feel confused because we had such a great time but now we’re back home we’ve gone to limited contact.

 

I don’t know how to approach or word what I need to.. which is to ask what is going on or what we are doing. I guess I am partially scared of the answer.

 

It sort of feels like an ongoing tiring game of waiting for the other to text. It’s so childish but I’m scared to put myself on the line again for fear or getting hurt.

 

My head is an absolute shambles because it’s made me realise I care about him still, and now he’s seemingly pulled away again I have done the same.

 

I guess I need advice on how or what to say from such a blunt last response. I’ve never felt so confused as to another persons actions! Just why take the girl you spent 6 months with away to then come back and behave the way you did during the rough patch. I really know I can’t go on like this but I haven’t a clue what to do for the best. I know I want him but I don’t know where on earth I should be going from here.

 

Do I leave him to contact me still, is he waiting for that ?

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Unfortunately, he's not confusing from an outsider's point of view of course. You're confused because you want a reaction that matches your feelings and you're not getting one. Like you said, you're afraid to ask because you basically already know the answer. I've been there, oh so many times. Once I finally found the courage to ask, it seemed so silly that I was afraid to before.

 

What usually empowers me, is thinking that by asking the right questions, I take control of my life. So, take control of your life. Ask him. The worse thing that could happen is you'll lose him forever, but how worse is that compared to what you're going through now? The best thing that could happen is you'll be making decisions for your own life and not just following his pace.

 

It's something you need to know in order to move on either with or without him. By waiting on him, you're basically telling him "hi, I'm just here pausing my life for you, whenever you're ready, please let me know. Thank you kind sir and I apologise for any inconvenience." This is not you, you're way stronger than that. I honestly believe you can do it. ✊🏽

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Try to pull way back. He gave his friends the "where do we stand?" answer you are seeking but in disbelief about. Things have changed in his life and attitude and you are becoming more of a fan/groupie to him. He was crystal clear to his friends that he is keeping his options open. Stop contacting him.

 

Stop having desperate unattractive "relationship talks". Just stop communicating, having sex, acting like a gf when he is clear that he doesn't see you this way. When you pull away and respect yourself, he'll respect you more.

I do miss him when I am not around him. I miss when the relationship was good the most, of course. I would say a relationship again that was how it was before. The confusion I am feeling is that why is he taking me away etc and acting like we are a couple, but now not labelling at again instead saying ‘we practically are together, but not fully’. In his own words to the friends
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OP, I am reading this as him wanting a woman to go this holiday with him - and he knew you were a sure bet. It wasn't a make-or-break thing for him. He wanted a female companion, and well, you fit the bill. You filled a role when he needed it. And now the trip is over and so is your current usefulness to him.

 

I don't mean to be harsh. But girl - you need to stop doing this to yourself.

 

This^^. My thoughts exactly.

 

Chloe, please go back read your previous thread.

 

I know you still have feelings but I am shocked after how he treated you, you fell right back into to his game, once again.

 

I am not surprised one bit he's "pulled back" after the trip .

 

I'm sorry if this sounds hurtful but you served a purpose (a sure bet last minute travel companion- some easy sex) and now that you have served that purpose, he hasn't much use for you.

 

I know OUCH and I'm so sorry.

 

Please block this man on all social media and walk away for good.

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I know how hard this is, as I'm sure the majority of people out there can relate. I hope I'm not hurting you more by giving my perception of the situation -

 

You say a few times that you are "confused" about what is going on, but I don't think that it's confusion you are feeling - it's disappointment. I think you thought this trip was the first step in getting back together and that has since proved not to be the case. There really is nothing confusing about the situation - he wanted to take a trip with a woman and knew that you would be willing to go. He has made it clear that he is not interested in a serious relationship. He wants to be able to go out and have fun with other women (which I believe you indicated in a different thread that you saw on social media and was the catalyst for you saying you were done with him) but also wants to have the comfort of knowing he has backups should he want something that is familiar. You will continue to be disappointed if you are willing participant in this.

 

Also, one thing to think about is his comment to his friends (and you) that you are "dating". To me, dating is what you do when you meet someone new and try to determine if they are a good long-term fit. I wouldn't be ok with "dating" someone I had all ready been in a long-term relationship with. They either know if they want to be committed to me or not, and if not - peace out see you never. He wants you and those around him to know that he is open to other relationships with different women so you aren't able to play the role of betrayed girlfriend when he is acting single.

 

At the end of the day, none of us, including you, know exactly what he is thinking/feeling and are basing our perceptions off your version of events, so we could be wrong. As one poster said, you will only know if you ask him. However, if that is the route you choose to take, I would strongly recommend telling him that he can either commit or you walk - and then you walk and don't look back, because he won't change his mind or how he treats you.

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Thank you. This makes a lot of sense.

 

My gut is of course telling me to just walk, I know it’s the right thing to do. In hindsight, going on the trip was an error on my part. But I can’t take it back now. If anything, it just messed with my head even more.

 

I am starting to have the horrible thoughts and feelings again that my friends warned me about, that he wanted me there as a trophy and a girl who was there for him.

 

It does hurt as in the beginning it was just so different and he couldn’t do enough for me and told me everyday how much he cared about me. 6 months down the line and it’s now done a full 360.

 

I guess my head struggled to process it and I willingly went back there hoping for a different outcome.

 

I also think the confusion still remained as just 2 months ago; we discussed moving in together etc and now this. But things change and people change.

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Thank you for all your replies once again. They are so detailed and mean so much to people like myself going through difficult and emotional times.

 

I do know I need to walk away. I have that annoying small part of my head that keeps reflecting on two months back, when he was asking me to move in with him and telling me how much he cares about me.

 

I’m just now here like ‘how did we get here!?’ And I can’t even pin point where it went wrong , which I guess makes it more sad for me.

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I have that annoying small part of my head that keeps reflecting on two months back, when he was asking me to move in with him and telling me how much he cares about me.

 

 

Chloe, please let go of this mindset, holding on to "then," not doing so is keeping you stuck and preventing you from healing and moving forward.

 

It's important to remember, that was then, this is now. For whatever reason, things changed for him. Going back to your previous thread he said he didn't feel the "spark." Focus on that.

 

I have no doubt he likes you and may even care about you on some level, but clearly he's not feeling what he either expects to feel or wishes he felt, with you.

 

He's been honest with you all the way, has he not? It's been you who has been telling yourself stories based on your feelings and what you want to happen.

 

It's called projection, it's easy to do, I've done it for sure. But it's not reality.

 

If I had to venture a guess, the reason why he’s keeping you at arm’s length right now, and trust me it is intentional, is because he does not want a relationship, or to move forward, or anything really other than to have you available whenever.

 

Even his comment to his friends about your not being "together" but "seeing each other" was very deliberate. And he wanted you to hear it.

 

Please take steps to move away from what you had, or what you thought you had in the "beginning" or two months ago or whenever. Focus on the present, what is happening NOW.

 

Once you do that, and can accept this reality, I think you will find it easier to let go and move on.

 

If this were me, I wouldn't even bother talking to him, telling him what you want, exclusivity, commitment. He already knows what you want, the man isn't stupid and if HE wanted the same with you, trust me you would know it! There would be no confusion about it whatsoever.

 

I am sorry things aren't working out the way you hoped, but as was said in your previous thread and you agreed, take this as a big lesson learned!

 

Hope you feel better soon ((hugs)).

Edited by katrina1980
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Another update. I’m feeling really low right now. Gone a few days minimal to non contact. I then plucked up the courage to text that I really am done, and will not be a part of this unhealthy cycle anymore.

 

The response I was met with was negative, and he is now demanding I pay for the trip away, out of spite mainly.

 

This is now obviously causing me undue anxiety and upset as things have gotten nasty. When now all I want is out.

 

I’m really struggling to cope, I was doing better but feel like I’ve just taken 10 steps back now .

 

I’m still waiting for the day I wake up and just feel ok and like I can actually get on with my days.

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You are out the second you want to be out. You hold the power not him. Yet again he has showed you he is no good yet you are here again talking as if you are helpless. He's made it clear since the first thread he doesnt want a relatonship with you OP. All you need to do is block delete and walk away.

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Go no contact. You don't owe him for the trip. Contacting him was not courageous. It was desperately hoping he would counter and say "oh please no I'll commit etc". If you wanted out you would stop contacting him.

I then plucked up the courage to text that I really am done, and will not be a part of this unhealthy cycle anymore. The response I was met with was negative, and he is now demanding I pay for the trip away, out of spite mainly..
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Another update. I’m feeling really low right now. Gone a few days minimal to non contact. I then plucked up the courage to text that I really am done, and will not be a part of this unhealthy cycle anymore.

 

The response I was met with was negative, and he is now demanding I pay for the trip away, out of spite mainly.

 

This is now obviously causing me undue anxiety and upset as things have gotten nasty. When now all I want is out.

 

I’m really struggling to cope, I was doing better but feel like I’ve just taken 10 steps back now .

 

I’m still waiting for the day I wake up and just feel ok and like I can actually get on with my days.

 

That day will never come as long as you insist on keeping him in your life and on allowing HIM to dictate what happens in your own life.

 

He has proven he does not care about your feelings. Why care so much about his? Serious question, think logically and find out why you think it's so important to keep someone in your life who has clearly stated time and time again that you are not important to him.

 

Block him from all means of contacting you. That includes Instagram, where you may be tempted to post pics of you looking fantastic or having "so much fun" hoping he sees and gets jealous.

 

The only way to feel OK is to make the choice to cut him out. Completely and for good.

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I'm sorry you're feeling so low, OP.

 

However, I do think it will ultimately benefit you to have gotten this negative reaction from him. You needed to see this for what this is now: a very casual relationship of convenience, on his terms. I feel you really needed to understand that this isn't a reconciliation in the making. Now, hopefully, you have the clarity you were seeking on whether there's any future with him - there isn't.

 

You will one day wake up and feel okay again, but it won't happen as long as you keep letting him into your life.

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Another update. IÂ’m feeling really low right now. Gone a few days minimal to non contact. I then plucked up the courage to text that I really am done, and will not be a part of this unhealthy cycle anymore.

 

The response I was met with was negative, and he is now demanding I pay for the trip away, out of spite mainly.

 

This is now obviously causing me undue anxiety and upset as things have gotten nasty. When now all I want is out.

 

 

If all you wanted was out, then why did you bother texting him at all? He was already gone.

 

My guess is, and forgive me if I'm wrong, you were acting from emotion, hoping for a reaction, obviously other than the reaction you received, and since you didn't get it, now you are more upset than you were before you texted.

 

It's important you own your role in this "unhealthy cycle" as you described it too, it will help you heal and move on, speaking from experience.

 

What was your role? You knew full well before this trip what he was about, his actions (and words) made that very clear.

 

But you agreed to go anyway, why? Because of a story you were telling yourself based on your feelings, not his. That's on you, I'm sorry.

 

Hard lesson to learn and not trying to make you feel worse.

 

But you can't continue doing this to yourself. It's your choice, you don't need his permission.

 

If you are truly serious that you're done, in mind, heart, body and spirit then just block him.

 

Delete him from phone, email and all social media.

 

Stop hoping or expecting he will one day awaken with this huge epiphany that you're "the one." Or go back to how he was two months ago.

 

Just be done with it, pick that sh** up off the floor and carry on with head high.

 

You can do this! And I wish you the best of luck while doing it!!

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If all you wanted was out, then why did you bother texting him at all? He was already gone.

 

Yep. It's kind of like chasing down someone on the street to whom you haven't spoken just to them them that you're no longer speaking to them.

 

Whenever the goal of an action is to generate a reaction, be prepared for a reaction that does NOT line up with your imagination.

 

There are far, far easier ways to part with someone who isn't participating in the first place. You just move your focus forward and go there.

 

Head high, we all live and learn.

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Update - I’ve gone full no contact. He said feelings have changed and I said the same. I now don’t care for him like I did. He tried to text me yesterday asking why I was working away as he saw from Instagram, I didn’t reply. He then sent another harassive message asking me to pay my share of the trip. This isn’t about financials with him, it’s because it’s now turned nasty. I am to scared not to pay, even though it is such a large sum of money. This whole relationship has exhausted me mentally and physically and I’m actually worried I’ll never recover from it properly.

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You need to delete and block him from All your social media and All your messaging apps. You don't owe him for the trip legally and there is nothing to communicate about. Keeping the door wide open by having him in your contact info/messaging apps as well as on your social media is not "full no contact". No one can damage you this much in 20 weeks of dating. Therapy may help you sort out the catastrophizing and get things in perspective.. Stop engaging him and creating drama for yourself. It's that simple. It's over. Done. All you need to do is block and delete him.

I’ve gone full no contact.

he saw from Instagram.

He then sent another harassive message asking me to pay my share of the trip.

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Update - I’ve gone full no contact. He said feelings have changed and I said the same. I now don’t care for him like I did. He tried to text me yesterday asking why I was working away as he saw from Instagram, I didn’t reply. He then sent another harassive message asking me to pay my share of the trip. This isn’t about financials with him, it’s because it’s now turned nasty. I am to scared not to pay, even though it is such a large sum of money. This whole relationship has exhausted me mentally and physically and I’m actually worried I’ll never recover from it properly.

 

Is there any reason why you haven't removed him from Instagram and blocked him from contacting you?

 

No, it's not "harsh", "immature", "unnecessary" or any other adjective you can think of. He's upsetting you and YOU have the power to stop him from being able to.

 

Unless, of course, you are still "hoping".

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The only reasons to keep any line of communication open with him are (1) you still hope it’ll work out and (2) you love the drama and get something from it.

 

Think about that for a minute.

 

If the answer is yes to 1 or 2, keep it open; if not, just block him from these apps and that’s that. It’s really that simple.

 

In a perfect world we don’t need to take these steps, I get it. In a perfect world people are cool and respectful in these situations. But we don’t live in a perfect world, and we protect ourselves—and our worlds—by cutting off sources of negative energy.

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OP fully complicit in her own pain/drama with tihs guy. Sad to see as it's so easily solved and she's been told numerous times over time.He asked you on holiday, you don't owe him a penny. End all ways he can communicate with you.

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Is there any reason why you haven't removed him from Instagram and blocked him from contacting you?

 

No, it's not "harsh", "immature", "unnecessary" or any other adjective you can think of. He's upsetting you and YOU have the power to stop him from being able to.

 

Unless, of course, you are still "hoping".

 

This, 100% this.

 

And Chloe, he didn't "try" to text you, he "did" text you and that is because you are allowing him to by refusing to block.

 

I'm sorry but if you are upset by his messages, that's on you.

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I completely agree with all the responses. It’s actually now out of fear I have not blocked him. In the heat of the argument I agreed to pay my half , which I shouldn’t have. Now from a legal perspective this is concerning me. I feel like I shouldn’t, but as it was such an expensive trip, he knows it’s not something I would be able to pay on my own given the difference in our salaries and careers. I feel like it’s more about tearing me down. I also fear him bad mouthing me to people, as I can just predict all of the ‘gold digger’ comments and worse, being said to our mutual friends. It’s giving me such bad anxiety, I feel so overwhelmed with what to do. I really don’t want anything to do with him, I have removed him off social media. Just not WhatsApp. I know he has a very nasty temper, and I’ve been scared many times before and it nearly got physical. I am much much smaller than he is, and he has intimidated me so much in the past that it is truely out of fear, or the things he will say, that has led me to not block him on WhatsApp too. I feel like I may need legal advice on this myself at this point. As I feel he will be relentless to try and get at me.

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I’m not sure I understand the legal perspective you’re talking about. He asked you to pay and you agreed. No, you shouldn’t have, but you did. That was a choice.

 

As far as him badmouthing you? Honestly, who cares? People do that. Most people understand that people who walk around badmouthing others are lame. Those that don’t understand that? Well, they’re lame.

 

You’re giving this guy power that he just doesn’t have, and in ways giving yourself power that you don’t have, and until that ends the drama will continue. The subtext here being that if you just cut him off he’ll blow his top, when the past has shown that he’s more likely to just party with some randoms and post about it. Let him do it. That’s all he’d be doing this whole time, after all, had you not responded to his texts.

 

He’s just as a**. Let him say what he wants, do what he wants. He doesn’t care about you very much so he won’t be saying things long. He’ll move on if you don’t give him something to move towards. You’ll move on too.

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