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Here again. Updates in relation to previous situation and further advice needed


Chloej123
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I am back on here as like many others, the advice i received last time was extremely helpful and I have some updates.

 

My last post was listed under the ‘made a mistake’ post. For anybody who wasn’t familiar with this.

 

I went through an extremely rough patch with my current, well ex, I guess you could say.

 

I went full no contact as advised, and began to feel somewhat happier. I struggle with anxiety so I really took the break up badly.

 

Given everything I went through, it was for the best.

 

However, since then, my ex has been persistent with contact etc. I did not block him on WhatsApp due to me still having belongings at his, and me wanting to get these back at some point. We ended up meeting each other a few times, but not actually talking about everything that has gone on. I know this should have been the first thing we did, but it’s like neither of us wanted to confront it.

 

He then books us a trip to Dubai for a week, which I have just returned from. I agreed to go as I felt we were getting on a bit better again.

 

In all honesty, it was actually very enjoyable, and we got on well. I returned just yesterday, and since then we haven’t spoke so much today, which is a little odd I guess.

 

On the trip, we met with a few other couples who live there. One friend had a new girlfriend who we had not met before, and she asked us how long we had been together. My ex answered as I didn’t, and said we aren’t together right now, but are seeing each other.

 

This has really confused me, as I was hoping things would get back on track etc. If I can start to forgive everything I was out through before, (toxic behaviour etc).

 

I still care for him; and the trip was a really nice gesture and he put a lot of effort into it and did treat me like a princess.

 

I am now super confused. And now since we’ve returned, he has to go back to football this week (he is a high profile player) and his time off is limited to a month a year.

 

We only got back yesterday, however we haven’t spoke much since, and it now feels almost a little weird again.

 

I am struggling to understand why he would take me away on a luxurious trip, act like we are a couple, but not talk about it or confront what we went through and what is happening now ? I know this is partially for me to do, but I struggle with confronting these kinds of things.

 

It made me realise I missed him, but I am so so scared of getting sucked into this again, only to go through the same thing.

 

Should I initiate the conversation about where we are or what we are doing? And what was his intentions of taking me away etc from a guys perspective maybe?

 

Thanks again for all the help on here. All opinions are valued and given much thought.

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Glad you had a nice trip. His remark is something a player says about whoever he is is with at the moment. Unfortunately it sounds like you are on different wavelengths. Get your stuff and continue as fwb if you are ok with that.

she asked us how long we had been together. My ex answered and said we aren’t together right now, but are seeing each other.

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I'm curious why you would agree to go on the trip without being clear on where you stood.

 

Are you avoiding the conversation because you're afraid of what the answer will be?

 

These are no longer "mistakes" you're making, but deliberate acts. Ask yourself why you continue to make yourself available to him when you're not even together.

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I guess because I still have some feelings for him. He was pretty persistent about wanting to go, and his time off is limited. He has been away with his friends twice and just me. I wasn’t sure how things would go, I just know I wanted to see him. I guess it was also a kind of make or break thing, but it seems to have done well neither? Now I am asking myself Do I just wait for him to come to me to sort this? Or do I initiate it. I am just so confused.

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We only got back yesterday, however we haven’t spoke much since, and it now feels almost a little weird again.

 

I am struggling to understand why he would take me away on a luxurious trip, act like we are a couple, but not talk about it or confront what we went through and what is happening now ? I know this is partially for me to do, but I struggle with confronting these kinds of things.

 

It made me realise I missed him, but I am so so scared of getting sucked into this again, only to go through the same thing.

 

Should I initiate the conversation about where we are or what we are doing? And what was his intentions of taking me away etc from a guys perspective maybe?

 

First off it's only been one day. Hold tight and see what happens.

 

I read your previous post where this same guy was luke warm at best and ultimately walked away. You referred to this feeling weird again, but honestly from what you've shared, it's just more of the same.

 

but yes, yes and YES. You owe it yourself to discuss his intentions at this point. From where I sit he seems to just want a casual relationship. He has the means to do fancy things, but the things he can do aren't a measure of his interest and commitment. It's just his lifestyle.

 

I think he likes you enough, but it doesn't seem to be in alignment with what you are looking for.

You went along with this without the benefit of any clarification, so you basically agreed to do things on his terms.

If this doesn't work for you, it's your responsibility to speak up.

 

You aren't pressuring him or asking him for anything. Just simply tell him that you aren't capable of casual, sexual relationships. If at any time he changes his mind and he finds you available at that time,you'd be open to discuss it with him.

But in the meantime, he's done nothing wrong. You two are just looking for entirely different things.

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If you want an answer, you have to ask a question. He is in a position right now where you are making yourself available to him on his terms. It sounds like this is all he wants. If you are OK with that, then you will have to accept that he is not going to be completely reliable.

 

However, it sounds like you are not OK with that. What would you tell a friend if they were going through the same thing and asked for you advice? Are you afraid if you ask him what is going on, you won't get the answer you want? If it is a make-or-break thing, then go ahead and ask him. Don't delay; this will only bring you anxiety. You've got this.

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It seems like you are in a situation where you feel the need for his answers. You're feeling destablized, unnerved, confused and needing to hear verbal confirmation from your ex/your date for the trip. I'd challenge this if you don't mind and be aware of what your mental or emotional state is in before you make any moves.

 

He was very clear in his explanation to his friends what you both are doing: you are NOT together and you are just seeing each other. This translates to casual dating in my view and it doesn't amount to anything. I'm not particularly sold on his quick volunteering of personal business either or the airing out of your dating status so openly. That seems indiscreet and thoughtless towards you as a person and a person who reacts thoughtlessly towards you is not a person you should be taking seriously or placing much faith in.

 

None of this sounds like a sincere go at a serious relationship or something along the lines of commitment. You seem completely hurt and demoralized. These are all signs that none of this feels right.

 

If you do choose to go ahead and push the matter, be aware that your request for answers may fall on deaf ears or you may be met with an angry response or a frustrated response towards you. You're not taking the hint. It was callous of him to invite you to the trip in the first place and I don't feel this person is at all "with it" when it comes to dating or respecting someone.

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I guess because I still have some feelings for him. He was pretty persistent about wanting to go, and his time off is limited. He has been away with his friends twice and just me. I wasn’t sure how things would go, I just know I wanted to see him. I guess it was also a kind of make or break thing, but it seems to have done well neither? Now I am asking myself Do I just wait for him to come to me to sort this? Or do I initiate it. I am just so confused.

 

So you're willing to do anything, agree to do what he wants, just to try to hang on to some small piece of him? You are willing to pretend to be fine with the way things are? You are willing to avoid questions and discussions to avoid possibly hearing answers that may not be the ones you're hoping for?

 

Is doing all this making you happy?

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So you're willing to do anything, agree to do what he wants, just to try to hang on to some small piece of him? You are willing to pretend to be fine with the way things are? You are willing to avoid questions and discussions to avoid possibly hearing answers that may not be the ones you're hoping for?

 

Is doing all this making you happy?

 

Especially seeing that in round one he told you what he was feeling and where he was at.

Round two he shared with friends that the two of you were `just seeing each other'

 

Why is it (seeing he doesn't hesitate to tell you what his intentions are) that you are still 1) - confused, 2) - afraid to tell him what you are all about in terms of dating and relationships?

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I'll offer a few thoughts.

 

It's honestly hard for me to tell, having followed all your threads, if you even really like this guy, if what you're calling "feelings" are really for him. I think you like him liking you, basically, far more than you really like him. There's comfort in that, to say nothing of sizzle, and probably a nice distraction from yourself.

 

Going back to the first thread, for a minute. Before he went away I don't think you were particularly invested in him. Sounds like he was just sort of there: a hot footballer who was into you and who you thought was kind of a player, a shady guy you weren't really sure about. But he was persistent enough that you had the sense that you could take it or leave it on your terms.

 

Then those arms changed. He backed away, went from hot to cold, and what happened? Suddenly you got really into him, which makes me think that what you liked was the attention and what you didn't like was the feeling of that attention vanishing. He was still the same shady dude—even shadier, really, with those new IG followers—but just a shady dude who wasn't as hot for you as he'd been.

 

And, well, he operates the same way. He likes you liking him. Feels good, spicy, and no doubt helps put a shine on his own significant insecurities. When you pull away—the social media blocking, whatever—he becomes a Romeo again. Courting, wooing, flying you to Dubai, and so on.

 

Somewhere in all that are some genuinely lovely moments, I'm sure, and something like a connection. But then the moments pass, and what's left? Two people who, best I can tell, don't connect very well and really have no idea what they want from the other person save for being wanted.

 

I don't say any of that with judgement, but with the hopes of empowering you and helping you see that you are just as much an architect of all this as he is. We've all talked about this guy a lot, but he's not mysterious. He's exactly the guy you thought he was when he was pursuing and you were guarded. This is kind of the dynamic you guys are building together, and have been engaged in for a good long time. You two just switch roles, on an ever-tightening loop, that's gotten you pretty dizzy.

 

So rather than ask him what's up, I'd say take a real moment to ask yourself what's up. What do you really want here? Is this a man you see a future with? Is this a man you want to be in a relationship with, for real? Is the a man who you can trust for longer than three hours? When you say you "miss" him is it him you miss, or the feeling you sometimes have with him that you miss?

 

I think if you get some clear answers to those questions—and those answers are inside you, right now, not for him to provide—you'll see that there's really not a whole lot here to be confused about.

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OP, I am reading this as him wanting a woman to go this holiday with him - and he knew you were a sure bet. It wasn't a make-or-break thing for him. He wanted a female companion, and well, you fit the bill. You filled a role when he needed it. And now the trip is over and so is your current usefulness to him.

 

I don't mean to be harsh. But girl - you need to stop doing this to yourself.

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I do not understand why you would not have had a conversation with him about your expectations BEFORE you went on the trip. Why aren't you keeping your personal power out of his hands. It seems he has always called all the shots while you blindly follow His lead only too once again wonder what his intentions are instead of telling him what you expect and if he can't give you that then you tell him to leave you alone.

 

Why do you conduct your dating in that manner?

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Are you super impressed with what he does for a living? So impressed that you give up your own needs and your own voice just to be permitted to be in the same space as him?

 

I've met plenty of semi pro and pro athletes. Even dated a few. They are people, no more and no less.

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There are definitely trust issues still here, that is a given. However I do miss him when I am not around him. I miss when the relationship was good the most, of course. The break up effected me badly and I guess my head wasn’t in the best place shortly after. In terms of what I want, I would say a relationship again that was how it was before. The confusion I am feeling is that why is he taking me away etc and acting like we are a couple, but now not labelling at again instead saying ‘we practically are together, but not fully’. In his own words to the friends

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The reason we did not discuss it because I myself struggle with confrontation, and still feeling fragile, I thought we may even discuss it when we were over there. However we just acted and resumed couple behaviour as normal. Now I’m back and we still haven’t discussed what we are, of course I’m still confused

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I guess a part of me is afraid, because of everything I went through before. I feel like I have opened myself up again and let him in. And although I won’t to take things slow in order to protect my feelings, I want to know where this stands now. We are 6 months in now and it has been rocky, but ultimately I do still want him

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In terms of what I want, I would say a relationship again that was how it was before.

 

Relationships only go in one direction: forward. Just like you can't go back to how you were when you were 18 or 8, a relationship does not revert back to a previous state. It is always evolving, and it's on us to do what we can to help it evolve in the way we wish and, just as critical, to be honest if it's not evolving in a way that serves our needs and hearts.

 

Just something to think about as you navigate all this.

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I do agree. I was hopeful we would progress, and we got on well during the trip. It made me probably like him more. But now we have returned we still haven’t discussed anything I suppose we should have. I want it to move forward, as I do care about him.

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I do agree. I was hopeful we would progress, and we got on well during the trip. It made me probably like him more. But now we have returned we still haven’t discussed anything I suppose we should have. I want it to move forward, as I do care about him.

 

Tell him that. You've known him long enough that "scaring him off" shouldn't even be in your thoughts.

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The reason we did not discuss it because I myself struggle with confrontation, and still feeling fragile,

 

I think the fact that you view a discussion with him about who you are as a confrontation is very telling.

 

You are willing to get naked with him after all. How is it you are afraid to tell him what your values are? It doesn't mean you are asking him for anything in return. You are merely stating how you operate.

An ideal time is before you get in too deep. But that moment has passed. It's ok. I think most of us have been in your position. (until we know better)

 

I've been you and went in assuming. After a few weeks and signs that kept telling me otherwise, I respectfully told a man I made a mistake. That I am someone who can't be physically intimate with someone and not get emotionally attached. I am pretty much hard wired that way and can't separate my heart from head. It was a positive experience and we both treated it with respect and parted ways. Though there was this little disappointment on both sides it was overshadowed with some self satisfaction and pride that I was no longer afraid to care of myself and I no longer put that responsibility on someone else.

 

It's a value that works for me and when I stopped getting involved with men and operating in the grey fuzzy areas, dating became that much easier. I was able to make room in my life for more appropriate partners and I quickly clear away those who were looking for something different. Interesting side benefit is men seemed to find my self confidence more attractive.

 

Tell him who you are. Since when is that a confrontation? You aren't asking him for anything, after all. Just stating your truth.

If this guy is crazy about you, he won't let you slip away.

If he is looking for some thing a little more loosely defined, at least you know.

 

Again, it's best to deal with this upfront as stating your value and not as a mistake after the fact. Either way you are going to need to do something about this.

How about this be a good start?

 

The only one looking out for you, is you.

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This is something which didn’t cross my mind in terms of being ‘used’ as just a holiday girl. We spent 6 months together and I was on the verge of moving with him. Hence why the thought didn’t cross my mind that he would use me for that , or at least I hoped not ?

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I think the reason I am so anxious to confront this is because I am confused and scared of being hurt regardless of the outcome. I am struggling to get to grips why he would whisk me away, act like a couple then come back and we’re back to square one or barely communicating. For me it just doesn’t make sense and I know the only way I’ll get answers is through asking. It’s just I don’t know where to start and feel there is now a massive barrier up on my part because of what happened before. I don’t even know how to word it to ask, which I know sounds silly.

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