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Hi, me again. Im becoming very regular on here but it is honestly because i value everything you advise! so here goes again.

 

The last time i posted on here, You advised (for the second time) to cut my ex off as he is just playing serious games. I listened but honestly havent been ballsy enough to go through the whole blocking stage yet. I have however deleted his number and i dont have him on any social medias as ive deactivated mine for breathing space for myself.

 

Saturday the 22nd he texted and wished my mum a happy birthday, i said thank you and that i do wish him the best. He proceeded to question me on what i meant by 'wishing him the best with life' when i say you know what i meant, he explains he was only contacing me to be amicable and he wasnt trying to be misleading? Whatever. I didnt respond.

 

I have however made the mistake of looking on his social media accounts and aswell as uploading images and videos of him out looking happy, socially interacting with girls he didnt know when we was together. He has posted a few very cryptic quotes; example 'Dont let a smile fool you' and 'Everyone we meet is fighting a battle we know nothing about' he has also changed his profile picture to an image of he and i and compelty cropped me out (lol) (Before you rip me to shreds, i am literally just going through the motions and as ive had alot of time on my hands in the past few days, yes... i am analyising everything) i just thought this was worth mentioning.

 

Since the 22nd (when he wished my mum a happy birthday) we hadnt spoken, i havent contacted him and vice versa.

UNTIL, 7:30am this morning, my phone is ringing on a private number. Im in two minds but i eventually answer as i am up getting ready for work. Its him. At first, he asks me why ive blocked his number because hes been trying to text me but its not delivering (i know this is a lie because as i mentioned previously, i havent blocked his number) I very bluntly reply that i dont know why that is. He asks me if im okay, I bluntly say Yes, you? and he begins to tell me how he is really down and has not been eating or sleeping. His voice does sound very low and he doesnt seem himself, like something is seriously up with him. I eventually say i have to go because i have work and the call ends.

 

My heart says i want to be there for him because i know he has been depressed before and ofcourse i care about him but my head, my head says that doing this wont benefit me at all.

 

Although still trying to come to terms with the situation, i am still extremely hurt, as to be expected. If he is sad, why doesnt he be honest and upfront about the reasons why?

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I'm not sure what you are hoping to gain from us - do you want us to tell you that he is down because he still loves you? That you should be in touch with him to help him through his difficulties instead of your own? Or do you need us to repeat the same advice: to block him, go no contact, and move on for your mental health?

 

I am not asking this to be harsh, but because I have been in your shoes - looking for meaning in everything and getting excited when I heard from an ex who was toxic for me. Just like this guy is for you.

 

You don't need to be there for him. He dumped you. He chose not to be with you. That was his decision. If he needed you by his side during this time, he would have done so. He doesn't need you, and he isn't a helpless incapacitated person - and if he is, then he needs a doctor and a good therapist, not an ex, to help him through it.

 

The reason you need to go no contact is specifically because of situations like this. Okay, he's sad. So are you. His being sad is not bringing him back to a commitment with you now or in the future. The more you give to him in the moment, the more he realises hey, he can get free sympathy and attention without needing to do the work of a relationship. Score!

 

In the meantime, instead of focusing on your own health and wellbeing, you're asking "why is he doing this/ why doesn't he do that?" and torturing yourself with his SM, and stalking him (and by the way, he knows you are probably looking which is why he's posting those pics), and stressing about whether or not to block him (apparently you did block him, but also didn't completely - this does not a no contact move make).

 

You need to decide what you want. Do you want to be some consolation prize to him while he gets over the relationship and finds a new girlfriend? Because you're on that track. Do you want to be with him in a committed relationship? Unfortunately, he has already made clear that is not an option now, so you need to accept that reality.

 

Do you want to move on and find someone that you are just this crazy about who wants to be with you just as much? Then you need to go no contact (meaning you block him but also that you STOP VIEWING HIS INFO AND SOCIAL MEDIA), take the time to heal, and move on. He will be just fine without you there to pick up his calls, I promise. He'll have another girl to do that in a second if he doesn't already.

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I do agree, its my version of venting and believe me, i already think everything you are saying, i guess i just like confirmation from an outsider perspective. To be completley honest, the time we have been away from eachother, as much as it has sucked, i definitley have been able to focus on myself alot more already. Ive actually booked for me to go travelling and i leave on the 18th so being away from everything with no reception will probably benefit better also.

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Awesome that you're traveling and getting some space for you. Believe me, once you cut the cord, it can be such an empowering time and you'll find someone you are more compatible with. The hardest part is accepting that this guy just isn't it and (probably) never will be, and making the decision to move on fully without looking back or allowing any contact in to cushion the blow.

 

I do agree, its my version of venting and believe me, i already think everything you are saying, i guess i just like confirmation from an outsider perspective. To be completley honest, the time we have been away from eachother, as much as it has sucked, i definitley have been able to focus on myself alot more already. Ive actually booked for me to go travelling and i leave on the 18th so being away from everything with no reception will probably benefit better also.
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I’m going through the same thing right now, and believe me...talking to him just comforts HIM when the reality is he has no business expecting you to make him feel better!! Let him call a therapist or someone else. If you keep talking to him you’re actually helping him get over the relationship. Again, not your place to do so.

 

I only advocate blocking someone’s number if they refuse to stop calling after you tell them to, or harassing you...in your case you have NOT been clear with him. You need to tell him to please leave you alone so you can move on. He can still call you from a blocked number, so if you’re still answering his calls...you can’t play the victim.

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Hey, it's a process, I'm sure most of us checked on our exes social media more than once even if we said we're in NC.

 

What I don't get, is that most people don't tell their exes that they're going NC. Some do it because they listen to the advice the break up people in YouTube, and I get it, again, I'm sure most of us have visited those videos even if we didn't want to get them back.

 

I strongly advise you to tell him that you need space and that you're going NC. That way you are setting boundaries. You're saying "ok, I accept your decision, now this is what I need to move forward, I'll text you when I feel better. Don't call,text or even like a post/comment of mine". This way you avoid phonecalls and mostly, the anticipation of them. If he doesn't respect your wish and contacts you for some silly reason like "I'm feeling down, cheer me up", well add that to the stack of reasons why you shouldn't get back together. If he breaks your NC, he's disrespecting you.

 

Some might add, tell him to only contact you if he really wants back. I've never added that because deep down inside I never wanted them back, but also, if it was meant to happen, it will happen in the future. People don't change easily, so I doubt someone will change so much in a few months, that the problems that led to the break up won't be there. Anyways, you could add that if you want, I'm just stating why I have never.

 

So again, what you're feeling and doing is normal, it gets easier by time and even more so, if you cut him out of your life for this process. Stay strong!

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And yes, when he's calling because he's down, it's a silly reason. He could be down because of the break up, but that does not mean he wants to get back together. It most likely means he wants you to cheer him up because he's used to it.

 

So what's happening is, he's further down the line of the breaking up process, and is using you (not ill-intentioned) to help him get over the last bits. This usually leads to the dumper ditching your "friendship" completely when a new woman enters the picture. I wouldn't wish that to my worse enemy, please don't let it come to that and go NC

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Think of this as a relapse and double down your efforts. It takes a really f-ed up person to end a relationship and then to proceed to look for reassurances/an ego stroke/a shoulder to cry on from the person they broke up with!

 

Social media is a powerful addiction. Remember the pain of looking next time you're tempted.

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Hey Cope, thank you for your reply. Both answers are really insightful considering he was the one to say he had come to this realisation a long time ago, so it makes full sense for him to be at a different stage to me. Im sure ill stop fantasising soon enough! Thank you x

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I agree with the other members. Be kind to yourself and leave room for yourself to grow in positive ways. You should be aware of what you let into your life and cognizant of those effects on you. Pay close attention to your emotions and if something or someone causes feelings of distress and confusion, it's your instincts and your natural in-born abilities telling you that this situation doesn't sit right.

 

Move on and surround yourself with more positive experiences.

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Think of this as a relapse and double down your efforts. It takes a really f-ed up person to end a relationship and then to proceed to look for reassurances/an ego stroke/a shoulder to cry on from the person they broke up with!

 

Social media is a powerful addiction. Remember the pain of looking next time you're tempted.

 

Unfortunately many exes do this. They dump the person but then don't respect that the person needs time to heal and move on and still want the attention and ego strokes and advantages but don't want the relationship. Block and delete.

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So you snooped on his media and what did you find? That he is doing perfectly well. He isn't too sad to go out, take pics, post about himself and what he is doing, meet new people and flirt with new women. You know what that tells you? He is indeed moving on and actively so.

 

Contacting you is typical of certain types of particularly selfish dumpers. He wants a safety net, he wants to keep you in the back pocket, but not because he wants you anymore, only so he doesn't ever have to even risk being alone. So, he has a sadz - maybe his plans fell through that day, maybe he stubbed his big toe on something, sadz - so he uses you. A tug on the line to make sure you are still hooked, still there for him even though he discarded you. Guess what - he isn't there for you, OP.

 

Please do yourself a favor and just block him. Him contacting you isn't about caring, it's about using you, it's about his selfishness.

 

Find a man who actually cares about you, who reciprocates. I think it's great you are going away for a bit. The more time passes, the more you'll be able to see how crummy this guy and this relationship really was. I know it's hard to see it right now, but 20/20 hindsight does come around eventually and it brings peace with it. Meanwhile you just have to persevere and do your best to protect yourself.

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Let me ask you. If you broke up with someone that you still cared for, but not enough to continue on with, would you still call him? Especially after they've made it clear they don't want you to?

 

Would you call him despite the fact that you know it's being insensitive and selfish?

 

Would you call him in spite of the fact that you had nothing to offer him and knew that by contacting him, you were actually hurting him and making it more difficult for him to move on?

I am going to guess not.

 

It's not ok to keep reaching out to someone you just crushed by ending a relationship with.

It's selfish and mean.

 

Being the dumper is often difficult and sometimes painful. But you don't seek comfort from the very person you walked away from.

Edited by reinventmyself
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Being the dumper is often difficult and sometimes painful. But you don't seek comfort from the very person you walked away from.

 

I double this. If you want to allow yourself to be manipulated into ego stroking the guy, then there you are. It's not against the law, it just doesn't buy you anything but a setback.

 

Skip answering unknown numbers, and trust that if anyone is calling to tell you that you've won a million dollars, voicemail was invented for taking messages so you can call back.

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