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Distant boyfriend during pregnancy


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The good news is it sounds like you are aware (as you keep repeatedly saying to those who are highlighting it here) that your actions and words were destructive. Having just come through a pregnancy (and being postpartum now, when hormones are equally raging but just for different purposes), I can sympathise with the instability you feel while pregnant. I had a tough time physically and mentally during my pregnancy and had to learn a lot of lessons about how to manage my feelings and be less reactionary to just about everyone around me. I will say, however, that no one is allowed to judge you for talking about how uncomfortable the pregnancy makes you physically. Some symptoms during pregnancy can even be signs of dangerous complications, so it's important to talk about what you are feeling with your doctor (and, ideally, partner), both for yourself and your baby.

 

Okay, so all that aside, I haven't read your previous thread, but I will say that this relationship does not seem stable on either side and I am guessing this goes back further than the pregnancy. On one hand, I do think that pregnancy can be very difficult for the male partner because he doesn't get the joy of feeling the baby kick/ move and grow for himself (aside from touching your stomach and coming with you to ultrasounds). But in this case, it sounds like your boyfriend is completely checked out, and for the sake of your child you guys need to decide where this relationship is really going.

 

As many have already said, therapy is key (for any couple who is facing having their first baby, IMO), but I will also warn you to quit googling about your boyfriend. "Man Child" is not a legit diagnosis. It is a made-up term, usually used to degrade one's boyfriend or husband.

 

I hate to go here, but for as difficult as pregnancy is, the newborn phase is 10000000x harder. I never knew what my husband and I were made of until both of us were tag-teaming a screaming baby at 4 AM when literally nothing is working to get her to sleep and I'm still recovering from a two-day labor and stitches. It might be a good idea to write your boyfriend an email or letter (since he does not seem to be reacting to your in-person attempts to discuss this with him) laying out your concerns and asking him to go to a therapist with you NOW before the baby is here. If he really can't do any work with you to resolve things, you should really think about how you want to proceed once baby is here. The unstable environment can get dangerous when you already have a volatile history of fighting and you have to add extra stress and sleep deprivation to the mix. Enlist your support system (family, friends), to make sure you have enough help you need when your little one is here.

 

Good luck!!

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Billie2B,

 

Thanks for your response. As far as his behavior in the past from a previous post, his distant behavior is not a personality trait. He was in fact texting other girls but I didn’t find out about until 8 or so months later. He became distant, felt in my gut he was talking to someone, did the whole checking the phone thing and he was. After that, he blew up, meaning he bottled up every thing he didn’t like about me or resented. That’s his personality trait. He keeps his feelings about me, negative ones to himself and withdraws any type of communication, interaction, or affection as a type of punishment. While I sit here in the dark wondering what I could’ve been actively doing to change my behavior had I known what was annoying him about me in the past and now in the present of myself and the pregnancy.

 

I don’t need to be wrapped in cotton wool. I just thought I could share the positives about my pregnancy (which I had, like baby movements, the facts and changes about her as the weeks progressed - in which he’s reacted with indifference every time) as well as the negatives with my partner. But the negative were too much apparently. Which I find ironic, as a personality trait he has that is a flaw I could go without is he points out the negatives in any place or situation we are in to the point where I’ve responded multiple times “Ok great, can you tell me something positive about today?”.

 

I have asked how he’s feeling.. He said he is nervous about her coming, when the impending birth will happen. That’s all he said. He is not and will not be the sole income provider for us. I’m on maternity leave for only 6 weeks and I have money saved for those 6 weeks to continue to pay our bills and my own bills. I’ll be returning to work once that is up.

 

I’ve stated here already that I am well aware that I need counseling. My actions and the things I said were unacceptable. It’s true what he says that I don’t realize how deeply what I say and what I do impacts him. I don’t realize it and I think it’s because he shuts down and doesn’t say anything so my perception is that he just doesn’t care. My perception of him not caring fuels my fire even more to hurt him so that he does care, but obviously it doesn’t work that way and it’s childish to act that way I do get it. Anyway, I wish he would come out and say “hey you’re being an a** ,” or put me in my place right then and there and not keep it bottled up. It was pulling teeth to have these sit down discussions with him. I never said it was all his fault, we are both responsible for the way this has progressed. So as another poster said, I’m going to focus on getting on with this labor. I’ll look into a counselor after she’s born and hopefully he would want to follow suit too for the sake of our child.

 

So you have known for a long time that he bottles his emotions.

And knowing that , you, instead of attempting ways to talk to him rationally , you create distance? That I’m sure you realise now doesn’t make sense.

 

And it’s good that you realise that.

Yes focus on the impending birth , be aware of post natal depression, just be aware.

It’s hard to become a first time parent and of course harder when the relationship with the father was never good to begin with. But it is what it is. Your priority is your child.

 

Best of luck!

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Was this pregnancy unplanned? Were you hoping for more of a commitment by now? Discuss the mood swings with your doctor. Set up an appt with a therapist. Pushing buttons and starting fights is making matters worse for everyone involved.

 

If you want things to be over, move back home with your parents and consider raising the child on your own with the help of some child support, social services, child care assistance, food assistance and housing assistance. Either one of you can request a paternity test through the courts so your nasty comment about "sperm donor" is nonsense.

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Was this pregnancy unplanned? Were you hoping for more of a commitment by now? Discuss the mood swings with your doctor. Set up an appt with a therapist. Pushing buttons and starting fights is making matters worse for everyone involved.

 

If you want things to be over, move back home with your parents and consider raising the child on your own with the help of some child support, social services, child care assistance, food assistance and housing assistance. Either one of you can request a paternity test through the courts so your nasty comment about "sperm donor" is nonsense.

 

Pregnancy was unplanned and I was hoping for interest, questions about the baby, affection, any type of excitement for our baby girl. I don’t want things to be over, we just both need to grow up. I will do therapy. My “sperm donor” comment was a low blow out of spite because of the complete disinterest in our child. Yes I’m an a** for saying it and it’s not true, he’s definitely the father. I just hope he steps up to the plate to actually become her father when she’s here any day now. Thanks for your response.

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So you have known for a long time that he bottles his emotions.

And knowing that , you, instead of attempting ways to talk to him rationally , you create distance? That I’m sure you realise now doesn’t make sense.

 

And it’s good that you realise that.

Yes focus on the impending birth , be aware of post natal depression, just be aware.

It’s hard to become a first time parent and of course harder when the relationship with the father was never good to begin with. But it is what it is. Your priority is your child.

 

Best of luck!

 

Yes I’ve known that. I’ve attempted 3 times to talk to him but looking back now maybe 2 out of the 3 times it wasn’t so rational. I’ve attacked him verbally and that’s not the most constructive way to do it and I can see why he’d retreat more.

 

He stated that he wanted the pregnancy, the mood swings and the negativity to be over because it’s only going to get harder. I hope postpartum I’ll make it through without any of all of that. And yes priority right now is the baby, we will have to figure us out later. Thank you and to others that have responded with tough love.

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Yes I’ve known that. I’ve attempted 3 times to talk to him but looking back now maybe 2 out of the 3 times it wasn’t so rational. I’ve attacked him verbally and that’s not the most constructive way to do it and I can see why he’d retreat more.

 

He stated that he wanted the pregnancy, the mood swings and the negativity to be over because it’s only going to get harder. I hope postpartum I’ll make it through without any of all of that. And yes priority right now is the baby, we will have to figure us out later. Thank you and to others that have responded with tough love.

 

I sincerely wish you all the best!!!

Don’t sweat the small stuff.

Don’t analyse.

All you really need right now is practical wrt to the baby.

And enjoy!!!

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Leseine -I remember those days and 10 year olds bring their own different challenges and.... I get it!

 

OP- he did not want this baby with all his heart. Neither did you and you might have changed your mind. He has not - there are varying degrees of want and to me wanting a baby with all your heart or at the very least, being ambivalent because of fear but being 1000% committed to your partner who wants the baby with his/her whole heart plus being 1000% committed to the family as a package deal - that goes a long way (to me the former is essential, not just ideal but life happens I get it). He "wants" the baby in the way that people want shiny new toy, a novelty, that it's so exciting to be starting a family -he does NOT want it badly enough to want the realities of pregnancy, your changes, inconvenient life changes, unpredictability, financial burden and also he does not seem to want you in his life for the long term badly enough (again it's a spectrum).

 

So your job since you chose to play with fire (as did he but if he's not going to do his job, it's on you, from a practical standpoint) is to have the perspective of the best interests of the child. Not your aching back (again a spectrum - take care of yourself so you can take care of your pregnancy appropriately and later, your baby - but with the perspective of best interests of your child) - start to plan for co-parenting, plan financially, right now, plan logistically right now - plan legally, right now. Plan emotionally -you see a therapist, you join a reputable moms group on line or in reality - I am not a fan of limiting to "mom friends" but from a practical perspective you will need moms who you can swap childcare with, or get referrals to good daycares or nannies, etc. Who may have hand me downs.

 

Yes, make your genuine apologies of course. And I think you are on the right track as I just now read all the posts (my backstory -husband and I started trying to conceive before we were engaged, we were in our early 40s - we planned on marriage and we married while I was pregnant, been married 10 years - we did not live together before marriage and any 'adjustment" would have been irrelevant because living together with a newborn in 550 square feet has nothing to do with living together as a couple, which we did for weeks at a time just not officially - and yes we moved to a bigger place but not by much lol!).

 

Good luck and feel well!

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Bottom line is you don't get to call the future husband of your child a sperm donor and threaten to not include his name on the birth certificate only to act surprised it didn't just blow over immediately upon apology. That's in addition to, and with respect to your body and hormones, you seeming to have been a negative and intolerable presence beside the very personal attacks.

 

Do I buy that you're regretful and have every good intention to press forward in a much more positive manner? Sure. But that's just what you do then. It'd be great if any apology entitled us to a clean slate then and there. Unfortunately, that's generally not how the other person's feelings work. And none of this is about him bottling up his resentment for your mistreatment. It's not his responsibility to "put you in your place." After every single insult, it was on you to reflect and realize you were doing wrong or being a toxic presence. If it ended up he ended up he got fed up and came back legitimately with everything you'd been doing, then that's just you paying the piper. Give him some space, be a more positive presence, and make sure previous incidents don't repeat themselves.

 

And I think a lot of people are making some pretty unqualified assumptions toward his attitude with regard to the coming child him/herself. We have zero idea what's going on in his head aside from being understandably nervous about an unplanned pregnancy and having dealt with an emotionally abusive girlfriend for it. He can well and genuinely have hope in being a father separate from those aspects.

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I don't feel like he's committed to you or a future with you if he's texting other girls. I'd be realistic about this and start setting boundaries early before it gets out of hand and both of you grow apart or make decisions that ultimately affect your family later on down the line. Your emotions shouldn't be pushing him away to that level. If he wants out, he should be honest with you and work through a break up and yet still commit to being a father. There's no reason to bring third parties into your relationship.

 

It always takes two. If you do sense he's unmotivated, distracted and mentally/emotionally elsewhere, this isn't going to work in the long run. I agree with not overanalyzing but I also think you do need to continue to be realistic about all those decisions the both of you are engaging with starting from now (as a couple and as individuals).

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Times when my husband was distant when I was pregnant, or post partum, was when he was texting other girls. He sounds like a super-duper selfish guy. You are carrying and making a baby, and it's not easy, and things can hurt and do hurt, and you can swell up, hard to breath, and gigantic. The fact that he can't even look up at you while you're talking? I think he's pretty lame. I would make back-up plans, because if only one partner is doing all the work in a relationship, then what good is the other person for.

 

He can be the mediocre dad. And that's fine. Child support, etc. But, he is distant because of his shenanigans. And I doubt you are yelling at him for doting on you, helping you pick out things for the baby, and getting the nursery together, rubbing your feet. Nope - he's doing nothing. Mediocre dad!

 

Everyone loves to call a prego lady crazy, but dude, if he was sweet to you and not texting other girls, you prob wouldn't be losing it on him.

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Times when my husband was distant when I was pregnant, or post partum, was when he was texting other girls. He sounds like a super-duper selfish guy. You are carrying and making a baby, and it's not easy, and things can hurt and do hurt, and you can swell up, hard to breath, and gigantic. The fact that he can't even look up at you while you're talking? I think he's pretty lame. I would make back-up plans, because if only one partner is doing all the work in a relationship, then what good is the other person for.

 

He can be the mediocre dad. And that's fine. Child support, etc. But, he is distant because of his shenanigans. And I doubt you are yelling at him for doting on you, helping you pick out things for the baby, and getting the nursery together, rubbing your feet. Nope - he's doing nothing. Mediocre dad!

 

Everyone loves to call a prego lady crazy, but dude, if he was sweet to you and not texting other girls, you prob wouldn't be losing it on him.

 

That could be but in this case they chose not wait till they were married or at least very long term committed and chose to play with fire despite not being fully committed to having a child. And then she personally attacked him and referred to him as just a sperm donor. Who knows why he is distant - and, no, being pregnant doesn't justify going crazy in that way.

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That could be but in this case they chose not wait till they were married or at least very long term committed and chose to play with fire despite not being fully committed to having a child. And then she personally attacked him and referred to him as just a sperm donor. Who knows why he is distant - and, no, being pregnant doesn't justify going crazy in that way.

 

I haven't read any of her other posts. I guess they got prego early?

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I haven't read any of her other posts. I guess they got prego early?

 

"This pregnancy was not planned. I was on the Nuvaring forever but realized the hormones were making me very irritable and depressed so I got off of it. I was off birth control for 3 months, in which during that time we played with fire and had sex and only did pull out method. Didn't work obviously."

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I do hold myself accountable. But you really think the pregnancy has nothing to do with the way I've acted based on his actions of indifference? I didn't just start off being this way. I said hurtful things because I was hurting myself by him.

 

No one can make you do anything. Your reaction to what he does and says is always a choice. He may have not handled a particular situation in the best way but when you lash out and do punishing things, is it helpful? It certainly doesn't appear to be. It gets you where you are at now.

 

When you feel hurt practice saying how it makes you feel, rather than doing and saying hurtful things you can't take back.

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  • 7 months later...

Hey guys. So big revelation recently. If anyone has read any of this. Turns out he really was cheating on me during the pregnancy, was on tinder, had sex with his ex-fiance and began a relationship with a mutual co-worker the last month of my pregnancy. I was told about the relationship. After finding out, I tried to make it work, we went to couples counseling to no avail. Found out he was still cheating almost about a month ago, had actual evidence and he denied it and placed blame on me for "how bad he was treated throughout the pregnancy". Oh and he's also addicted to porn. He cheated on me back then and has probably been cheating the entire 3 years together. This is definitely a "once a cheater, always a cheater" scenario. I gave him too many chances, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. I honestly believe he's an diagnosed narcissist. I am finally leaving him. There is a light at the end of this tunnel.

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