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Distant boyfriend during pregnancy


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Looking for some insight on this situation, thank you in advance for reading this entirely.

 

My boyfriend of 2 and a half years has behaved cold, disinterested, indifferent, unaffectionate, and barely talkative towards me throughout most of my pregnancy. He's asked twice how I feel, never asks about the baby, and just generally seems to not care. I am due any day now and I've confronted him on several occasions as to why he's been distant. He proceeded to tell me that he's tired of my pregnancy, hormones, mood changes, and hurtful things I've said to him. I do admit, I have said and done some very hurtful things. For example, being upset and asking if it was a mistake, said I wouldn't have him on the birth certificate, called him a sperm donor, and moved into our guest bedroom with baby stuff. Not my finest of actions but I've said and done all of these things BECAUSE of his distance, I was reacting to how he was behaving towards everything. I moved my stuff (this is why we girls do dumb things like this sometimes) to see what he would do, would he come after to me to try and fix us, even care? Nope. Didn't do anything. Again, I know those were all sh***y things to say and do.

 

He's also stated that he's avoided me because I complain too much about the pregnancy. My back hurts after I eat so I've said it numerous times. He thinks I don't need to repeat myself and that I act like it's a new pain every time. Or if something's happening to my body I react by saying "it's cause I'm pregnant" too many times. I don't know I was just always stating how I felt in that moment to keep him in the loop but to him it was annoying.

 

I confronted him this morning calmly to have an adult conversation about this one last time and I looked him in the eyes and genuinely said that I was sorry for every hurtful thing I've said and done. That I didn't mean all those things I said and that I'd wish he'd understand my body has been through so many changes physically and emotionally. He said, "if you didn't mean what you said you wouldn't have ever said it" I repeated again that I didn't mean them and that I was only reacting to his behavior towards the pregnancy. He said it's going to get harder when the baby is here, and I said "yes that's why I'm trying to fix it now." Meanwhile, the whole time I'm trying to have this conversation he's on his phone playing a game barely looking at me. I said "I just need your affection and support and the reassurance that you'll be here for me and the baby" Didn't say a word. I said "Are you going to leave?" he said "I don't plan on it". Finally I said, "When you look at me, it makes me happy, when you smile at me it makes me happy." No response. So I just left the room.

 

I've come to the unfortunate conclusion that I'm going to be having a child with a "Man-Child". When I've looked this term up, he matches this description perfectly. He believes he's done nothing wrong (based on the half ass sorry he did say in that conversation), takes no accountability, and thinks he is the victim of this all. I'm tired too, of being pregnant and all the changes and I get no empathy. Now I just want someone's opinion of all this, I'm trying here, putting in the 50% and getting only 20% back. My next step is to just give up, is that what I should do? I've never felt so alone and I can't believe I'm going through this, this heartbreak and sadness, during a time that's suppose to be filled with happiness and joy of bringing a life into the world.

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You've been quite abusive to him and extremely hurtful. I wouldn't be excited for the pregnancy if I were him, given the things you've said! You're worrier about having a baby with a Man Child...he's likely worried about having a baby with an abusive harpie!

 

Your apology means nothing to him because you said you were sorry but then said that you were under stress/hormones/etc. You basically invalidated your own apology because you aren't taking responsibility for what you've done.

 

I'm sorry, pregnancy sucks but it does not excuse or justify abusive behavior. This is not something that "girls do". If you want your relationship to survive, you need to hold yourself accountable for what happened. Don't make excuses.

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You've been quite abusive to him and extremely hurtful. I wouldn't be excited for the pregnancy if I were him, given the things you've said! You're worrier about having a baby with a Man Child...he's likely worried about having a baby with an abusive harpie!

 

Your apology means nothing to him because you said you were sorry but then said that you were under stress/hormones/etc. You basically invalidated your own apology because you aren't taking responsibility for what you've done.

 

I'm sorry, pregnancy sucks but it does not excuse or justify abusive behavior. This is not something that "girls do". If you want your relationship to survive, you need to hold yourself accountable for what happened. Don't make excuses.

 

I do hold myself accountable. But you really think the pregnancy has nothing to do with the way I've acted based on his actions of indifference? I didn't just start off being this way. I said hurtful things because I was hurting myself by him.

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I am not gonna blame this all on you, I think you both contributed to what has now become quite toxic and frankly not sustainable.

 

He has said some incredibly hurtful things to you imo, behaved in very hurtful ways. I understand you did as well, but I can't tell if your hurtful comments were in reaction to his, or his hurtful comments were in reaction to yours.

 

Perhaps it's a little of both. That said, it does no use to cast blame, the reality is the relationship has just become too toxic to remain in and will be detrimental to your baby, without professional help.

 

It's also possible he may be overwhelmed by the sudden responsibility and not emotionally prepared for it. The stress of it is causing him to emotionally distance himself and lash out.

 

Also, some of his hurtful comments suggest he doesn't understand the impact a pregnancy can have on a woman's emotions and body. Clearly!

 

May I ask how old you both are? Was the pregnancy planned? Why were you not using birth control?

 

I am not judgment, just asking.

Edited by katrina1980
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I do hold myself accountable. But you really think the pregnancy has nothing to do with the way I've acted based on his actions of indifference? I didn't just start off being this way. I said hurtful things because I was hurting myself by him.

 

Do you think this is a constructive and mature way to handle conflict?

 

Is this behavior what you plan to teach your child? "Sweetie, if someone hurts your feelings the best thing to do is say horrible, hurtful things to them and then pack up your stuff and leave."

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I am not gonna blame this all on you, I think you both contributed to what has now become quite toxic and frankly not sustainable.

 

He has said some incredibly hurtful things to you, things I would never tolerate I can tell you that. I understand you did as well, but I can't tell if your hurtful comments were in reaction to his, or his hurtful comments were in reaction to yours.

 

Perhaps it's a little of both. That said, it does no use to blame, the reality is the relationship has just become to toxic to remain in and will be detrimental to your baby, without professional help.

 

It's also possible he may be overwhelmed by this sudden responsibility and not emotionally prepared for it. The stress of it is causing him to lash out.

 

May I ask how old you both are? Was the pregnancy planned? Why were you not using birth control?

 

I am not judgment, just asking.

 

 

Yes, and he did say that we are both guilty in to where it's become now. He doesn't believe in counseling, he thinks it's a bunch of quack. I'm 31 and he will be turning 35 in August. This pregnancy was not planned. I was on the Nuvaring forever but realized the hormones were making me very irritable and depressed so I got off of it. I was off birth control for 3 months, in which during that time we played with fire and had sex and only did pull out method. Didn't work obviously.

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He has said some incredibly hurtful things to you, things I would never tolerate I can tell you that. I understand you did as well, but I can't tell if your hurtful comments were in reaction to his, or his hurtful comments were in reaction to yours.

 

 

This.

 

It is not readily clear from your post, OP, who acted poorly first. Maybe it is a combination of both. However, your behavior has been down right abusive. Yes, he's been distant but you've called him a sperm donor.

 

I think you need to own up to that without blaming the pregnancy and you both need some professional therapy together. If he refuses to go, remind him what happens if you guys split: child support, big $$ out of his paycheck, and an awkward visitation relationship with the child.

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Do you think this is a constructive and mature way to handle conflict?

 

Is this behavior what you plan to teach your child? "Sweetie, if someone hurts your feelings the best thing to do is say horrible, hurtful things to them and then pack up your stuff and leave."

 

No absolutely not it's not a constructive and mature way to handle it. I admit that and I apologized for what I've said, regardless if the other poster thinks that I'm not holding myself accountable, I genuinely am regretful for what I've said and done. My rationality for doing and saying these things was because I wanted some kind of reaction, ANY KIND, but I got nothing every time. Doesn't make it right I know, but I was desperate and alone and hurt. I've sat down with him to discuss this amicably and each time nothing gets resolved because he can't let go of his ego/pride and the victim mentality he places himself in.

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This.

 

It is not readily clear from your post, OP, who acted poorly first. Maybe it is a combination of both. However, your behavior has been down right abusive. Yes, he's been distant but you've called him a sperm donor.

 

I think you need to own up to that without blaming the pregnancy and you both need some professional therapy together. If he refuses to go, remind him what happens if you guys split: child support, big $$ out of his paycheck, and an awkward visitation relationship with the child.

 

Yes you two are right, even I can't even pinpoint exactly who's acted poorly first.It really all has been one big emotional blur. If we discuss again, I'll try to make it clear again that I really am sorry without bringing up the pregnancy. I'll take into consideration about what you've said if we split. Thank you for your insight.

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Neither of you seems to be able to let go of your ego, pride or victim mentality.

 

If the two of you continue to refuse to interact in a mature manner and instead insist on finger pointing, your child will grow up in a home filled with tension, anger and frustration. What do you think that will do to your child's emotional health?

 

If you two can't get it together, a separation would be best. At least your child will grow up in two peaceful households instead of in a war zone.

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Neither of you seems to be able to let go of your ego, pride or victim mentality.

 

If the two of you continue to refuse to interact in a mature manner and instead insist on finger pointing, your child will grow up in a home filled with tension, anger and frustration. What do you think that will do to your child's emotional health?

 

If you two can't get it together, a separation would be best. At least your child will grow up in two peaceful households instead of in a war zone.

 

You're absolutely right. The emotional health of my child will be detrimental and I definitely don't want that. I do admit that I've needed therapy for awhile but I have just been procrastinating to go. I really do want my child to have two loving parents who love her and love each other. I'll keep aiming for couples counseling. Our lease ends in October so there's about 4 months of trying to get it together. But you're right, a separation will have to be the next step because I don't want her to live with this toxicity and tension between us.

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Is this the same guy from your previous thread, (below)? If so, I'm not sure why you decided to risk having a child with him.

 

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=543733

 

Yes. Things had changed for the better for awhile. But here I am now, which is why here in this thread I had said to him that I thought this was all a mistake. I do love him but I truly believe he just doesn't love me or never has. I took a huge risk and now it's backfiring on me. I just wonder how he will be when the baby is here.

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Yes. Things had changed for the better for awhile. But here I am now, which is why here in this thread I had said to him that I thought this was all a mistake. I do love him but I truly believe he just doesn't love me or never has. I took a huge risk and now it's backfiring on me. I just wonder how he will be when the baby is here.

 

If it turns out he's a loving, involved father to the child but your relationship with him remains poor, what would you do then?

 

My husband and I were not compatible (it turned out), but he's a terrific father. We ended up divorcing (which was the right decision), but it didn't affect the kids as badly as one might think.

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If it turns out he's a loving, involved father to the child but your relationship with him remains poor, what would you do then?

 

My husband and I were not compatible (it turned out), but he's a terrific father. We ended up divorcing (which was the right decision), but it didn't affect the kids as badly as one might think.

 

If he does turn out to be that way, and my relationship with him is still poor then I would definitely separate from him and we will just have to co-parent. The longer I've been with him now it's becoming apparent that we aren't compatible in pretty much anything. We really are so different. For the sake of my daughter, I really hope he is a great father.

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31 and 35? I figured you both were about 20 based on what you say. I suspect he's not happy at all about becoming a father soon. If he wont go for counseling then you need to go. He also needs a smack upside the head for being so unsupportive. If you stay with him, better get some good birth control for later.

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In my recent experience, counseling CAN be a “quack” if you end up with the wrong therapist. I had to seek THREE different therapists for my postpartum depression and anger (due to my husband losing his job, I didn’t qualify for maternity leave, and he was lying to me around the birth of our daughter) - and that was several months ago. My EAP was a complete F’ing joke and a disaster. So do expect to do some “shopping” when it comes to counseling.

 

I do agree with Melancholy’s advice. If he doesn’t go, then you need to step up for yourself AND your child. All of your decisions that will be making from this point forward will be on behalf of the well being of your kids. Also consider with your current situation, you might be headed for postpartum. The sooner you seek the resources, the better it will be for you and your family.

 

Right now, focus on the upcoming birth. Worry about the relationship after.

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You are excusing your very poor behaviour on reacting to his.

His behaviour hasn’t been that bad, but yours is intolerable.

 

For every action there is a reaction. Yes.

But you chose to react in an abusive manner. You used manipulative tactics etc.

You cannot place blame on him or hormones for that. That was your choice of reaction.

 

As for his behaviour , well from your previous post , there have been unresolved trust issues. And has been distant before at times. Perhaps that’s just part of his personality that you don’t gel with? Incompatibility ?

Something you accepted but didn’t want to once you became pregnant?

 

Most pregnant women don’t want to wrapped in cotton wool because they are pregnant. They just deal with the pregnancy and all its discomforts that are a natural part and parcel of it all.

I sense that you have been quite negative throughout your pregnancy.

I wouldn’t ask how you are either if it’s only met with negativity.

 

And it seems a cycle began?

 

Have you even asked him how he is feeling?

He might be terrified of the fact that he is about to become the sole income provider for 3 people! And to then call him a sperm donor?

And you want HIM to go to counselling?

I suggest you go to counselling by yourself to try and get some insight as to your behaviour.

Once you sort that out and can offer him a sincere apology where you own up to just being plain and nasty and why you were (no outward blaming , just taking responsibility) then and only then you should suggest couples counselling.

Because right now you are telling him it’s all his fault and that HE needs counselling. Why would he agree to that?

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What was his initial reaction when you found out you were pregnant?

 

His initial reaction was indifferent but so was mine. This entire pregnancy didn’t get started off on the right foot. When it was confirmed I cried because we didn’t plan it but he did console me and said we would figure everything out.

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Billie2B,

 

Thanks for your response. As far as his behavior in the past from a previous post, his distant behavior is not a personality trait. He was in fact texting other girls but I didn’t find out about until 8 or so months later. He became distant, felt in my gut he was talking to someone, did the whole checking the phone thing and he was. After that, he blew up, meaning he bottled up every thing he didn’t like about me or resented. That’s his personality trait. He keeps his feelings about me, negative ones to himself and withdraws any type of communication, interaction, or affection as a type of punishment. While I sit here in the dark wondering what I could’ve been actively doing to change my behavior had I known what was annoying him about me in the past and now in the present of myself and the pregnancy.

 

I don’t need to be wrapped in cotton wool. I just thought I could share the positives about my pregnancy (which I had, like baby movements, the facts and changes about her as the weeks progressed - in which he’s reacted with indifference every time) as well as the negatives with my partner. But the negative were too much apparently. Which I find ironic, as a personality trait he has that is a flaw I could go without is he points out the negatives in any place or situation we are in to the point where I’ve responded multiple times “Ok great, can you tell me something positive about today?”.

 

I have asked how he’s feeling.. He said he is nervous about her coming, when the impending birth will happen. That’s all he said. He is not and will not be the sole income provider for us. I’m on maternity leave for only 6 weeks and I have money saved for those 6 weeks to continue to pay our bills and my own bills. I’ll be returning to work once that is up.

 

I’ve stated here already that I am well aware that I need counseling. My actions and the things I said were unacceptable. It’s true what he says that I don’t realize how deeply what I say and what I do impacts him. I don’t realize it and I think it’s because he shuts down and doesn’t say anything so my perception is that he just doesn’t care. My perception of him not caring fuels my fire even more to hurt him so that he does care, but obviously it doesn’t work that way and it’s childish to act that way I do get it. Anyway, I wish he would come out and say “hey you’re being an a** ,” or put me in my place right then and there and not keep it bottled up. It was pulling teeth to have these sit down discussions with him. I never said it was all his fault, we are both responsible for the way this has progressed. So as another poster said, I’m going to focus on getting on with this labor. I’ll look into a counselor after she’s born and hopefully he would want to follow suit too for the sake of our child.

Edited by Drea1024
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You both sound immature. You better clean up your acts fast. This baby doesn't deserve having two children for parents. You sound as woman-child as he is a man-child. You are both ruled by your egos and selfishness. If he won't go to couples counseling, it might help seeking individual counseling as you have acknowledged. It would probably be best to start now if possible. You are going through a difficult phase and you need all the support you can get.

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You both sound immature. You better clean up your acts fast. This baby doesn't deserve having two children for parents. You sound as woman-child as he is a man-child. You are both ruled by your egos and selfishness. If he won't go to couples counseling, it might help seeking individual counseling.

 

You’re right. Reading back through all this it’s apparent that it is hard for me to let go of my own ego and selfishness/victim mentality. I think I’m right and he thinks he’s right. It’s blatantly toxic. There’s no compromise or in between. I’m definitely going to seek individual counseling, it’s been long time overdue for me. Thanks for your response.

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