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Should I stay in this relationship? Need perspective


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I don't believe anything justifies cheating. I gave him a chance because he said he felt deep remorse for his actions, as he should, and I trusted he would not do it again, that he had changed as a result of his losses. What began to bother me was that I felt he had so much guilt over his actions, and spoke so highly of these women, that I wondered how he felt about me in comparison. I felt he was with me kind of by default (he said these relationships were basically perfect). It's why I asked him what he meant when he said I was "the one" - I wanted to believe, naively maybe, that he felt something more for me because we were making life decisions (moving in).

 

So...what if a random drunk guy came up and proposed to me. Would i say "he obviously loves me because he made an important life decision?" Unless you two discussed it and decided that you wanted to marry eventually and moving in was the next step, etc, this is not a major life decision. its someone to share the bills, have in close proximity for sex etc and to sort of put his thumb on you so its hard to bail. If the relationship is right, he would have no trouble if you had told him no and would consider the idea in a year.

 

And words are just words. he does not have the track record to prove he is no longer a cheater. No matter what - even if this guy was the most perfect guy for you and he was upstanding and trustworthy, eight months is jumping the gun on any form of commitment except being "exclusive"

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Thanks guys, for your thoughts. I agree the past cheating worries me. He told me when we started dating, and let it go because he said that he did counselling after (and had been single for two years). He recognizes that what he did ruined the lives of those girls, and he deeply regrets it. He said he "didn't appreciate what he had" and that they were all amazing, beautiful women. In fact, he holds them in such high esteem that he told me I was their "equivalent." This hurt, but maybe i'm just insecure?

I agree we moved in quickly, but I thought we we're both in our mid thirties and I thought we were on the same page. I took him telling me I was "the one" as meaning he felt something stronger for me, and only realized that he didn't when i specifically asked him.

 

You really have some self-work to do before you will no longer be vulnerable to men like this. Ask yourself why you feel the need to be special in his eyes? You should be special and wonderful in your own eyes! It sounds to me that the fact that he doesn't value you more than the women he dated in the past has affected your view of your own value. It shouldn't work like that. I promise you if you let this cheater define you, you will be in for a heap of pain.

 

He's telling you who he is; a man who broke the hearts of three beautiful women who didn't deserve it. It doesn't matter if you are "better" than them or not. Expect to be the fourth in this camp.

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I read this recently, and it applies so much here:

 

"If there's doubt, there's no doubt".

 

Think about that.

 

I agree to the extent that if you doubt whether you can trust him being in a relationship has no point -as you can see it triggers anxiety and insecurity in you. And I agree too that it is not about looks - people who justify cheating might cheat because another person is "better looking" but I think that's kind of rare and limited to those situations where the current partner has deliberately let him/herself go so that it's not just about looks but being turned off by the other person's "who cares" attitude.

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I can't agree with DancingFool more. I've been following your thread since the beginning and he reeks manipulation from miles, for an outsider. It's not easy to see when you're in it.

 

His cheating doesn't really bother me, as much as what he said to you. Sometimes people cheat near the end of a relationship and in general, I can understand that people make mistakes and change; a serial cheater in my book, is someone who cheats repeatedly on the same partner.

 

To the point though, what he's doing is basically what DancingFool said, he's lowering your self esteem and self worth; this way you will crave his attention in any small dose he'll provide it to you and you'll have all your focus on him and his needs. You'll find yourself always doing what he wants etc.

 

Stating that he basically feels the same for every woman he's been with might also show that he never felt anything and is incapable of commiting. His confession might seem honest, because,sure, when you were in every relationship at some point you've thought of them as the one, but once you're out, you see them for what they truly were. Mind you, bashing an ex is also a bad sign. This "honesty" makes the manipulation ever worse because it seems as though he's right, yet he isn't. If he had empathy, he wouldn't say you're like all the others.

 

 

It's a very very unhealthy path, so please be cautious.

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Some men are not ready to love and this may be why he cheated. If he said he did not appreciate his ex's, that's what happened. He may indeed be monogamous.

 

One of my exe's cheated and jumped from man to man like crazy, when she was young and immature. Why? because she was cute, always had a man waiting in the wings, and did not care, because she was never in love with any of them. But she was mature when I met her, and monogamous with me.

 

You are asking too many questions about his past relationships. Stop it! You are just creating drama. Who he is with, you, is who he loves. The love he had for any ex's is dead and gone. So stop feeling jelous of ghosts from the past that have no bearing today.

 

I think you are making mountains out of molehills.

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I don't think people cheat because they are not ready to love. I think people who betray other people do so because their values justify betraying other people. I would hate it if someone tried to excuse a betrayal like that with "I guess I wasn't ready to love so instead I chose to hurt you and deceive you." People who value treating others appropriately do so whether they feel in love or not or whether there is temptation. Because if you're not ready to love or you always have someone else waiting you don't cheat- you end things with the person and move on. It's always a choice.

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  • 4 weeks later...

If he's done it 3 times already I wouldn't count my self lucky, deffo get to know him a bit more before moving in. 8 months isn't long at all, I couldn't trust a person if they told me that, in any situation if I was hiring some one and they admitted they stole from the last places, would you hire them? I dont think so. Can people change maybe/doubt he will..

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