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I have been in a relationship for a few months, but I have known her for a couple of years. She really prefers texting more than talking in person or telephone when it comes to serious conversation. I mentioned a while ago that I thought we should not have serious discussions by text. She agreed but lately she has started to just text again. I think she feels it is easier to express herself that way. I find it to be kind of annoying and honestly a turn off. It takes so much more effort to understand what she is feeling and trying to say. we may not even be on the same page, but it is impossible to know via text. She says she is feeling insecure too. I have to intiate physical contact because she seems too nervous. I feel like we were better friends. She is in her head so much now and doesn't express her needs or what she is thinking. How should I address this? I am wondering if we just aren't compatible as a couple.

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she said her insecurity is something she needs to handle because she knows it will affect me. Her self confidence is low. she said she does not feel loved. I don't know that I fully understand since she texted everything. we were together for hours yesterday and she didn't say a word then she decides to text everything.

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I have been in a relationship for a few months, but I have known her for a couple of years. She really prefers texting more than talking in person or telephone when it comes to serious conversation. I mentioned a while ago that I thought we should not have serious discussions by text. She agreed but lately she has started to just text again. I think she feels it is easier to express herself that way. I find it to be kind of annoying and honestly a turn off. It takes so much more effort to understand what she is feeling and trying to say. we may not even be on the same page, but it is impossible to know via text. She says she is feeling insecure too. I have to intiate physical contact because she seems too nervous. I feel like we were better friends. She is in her head so much now and doesn't express her needs or what she is thinking. How should I address this? I am wondering if we just aren't compatible as a couple.

 

So many people are like this, I happen to be like you OP... I refuse to have serious conversations over text, because context is lost and for me it's impossible to build true intimacy that way.

 

It would seem that you have uncovered a potential deal-breaker for you... and that your communication styles aren't compatible. She isn't wiling to change the behavior so it's perhaps time to consider moving on from the relationship.

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She is really a great person, but I believe this may be a deal breaker. It just seems like so much work to get to the bottom of what needs to be discussed. She texted her concerns then said she didn't say it to stir things up. I just feel confused and annoyed now.

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Why don't you try bringing up some of those topics that she texts about when you're together?

 

For instance, ask her why she doesn't feel loved. The more practice she has talking things out, the better she'll be at it.

 

I have tried before, maybe I will give it another try. If she just has a preference for talking in non personal ways I suppose we just are not compatible. She seemed so confident and self assured until we declared we were in a relationship.

I'm not sure what happened. Maybe she has expectations and I'm not sure I can fulfill her needs.

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I dated a man who did the same thing. He felt pretty brave behind a screen and felt he could express himself better. Unfortunately things get lost in the translation and you can't hear the inflection in their voice. Therefore it often leads to misunderstandings. The moment I felt things were about to go sideways, I'd prefer we speak or even better, do so in person.

 

In the end it just didn't work. Anything outside of texting he'd clam up or get very passive aggressive.

That and some other things led this to ultimately be a deal breaker for me.

 

It's kind of a symptom of larger problems. At least for me.

Edited by reinventmyself
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She needs therapy or a lot of help if speaking in person or feeling adequate enough to have an in person conversation or phone call is immobilizing or paralyzing her. She may have severe issues or social anxiety and other insecurities she needs to work through. These issues are too severe for the average person and it's not on you to doctor her or fix this. She has to get a handle on what's bothering her or recognize what's triggering that type of paralysis and terrible anxiety. You won't be helping her at all responding to her texts or engaging in any type of relationship with her. She's completely immobilized to the point where she disregards a partner's requests. This is not your fight. Sorry. Cut your losses and it's time to move on.

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Response: "we'll talk later, I'll call you after work". Don't be a text-buddy or online psychologist chat. If she is just bored and creating drama and buzz through text pings, that is something to consider.

I I find it to be kind of annoying and honestly a turn off. It takes so much more effort to understand what she is feeling and trying to say.
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I’m better at expressing self through writing. So I can see why she chooses text, however it’s not a good idea. I refrain from text because you can’t read someone’s tone through text. That’s why texting can create a lot of misunderstandings. If she can’t communicate with you face to face there’s bigger issues you two need to work on. Communication is a must to keep a good and healthy relationship.

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Tell her you can't continue in this pattern and that if she has something to discuss she needs to do it in person. If she needs to write it out first, suggest that she writes it in a journal before talking to you about it.

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You should address this by telling her the truth. Texting is ok as long as isn't the only form of communication. Have her actually converse verbally with you on the phone or in person as much as possible. If she is so disagreeable about this with you for months, ask yourself if you can continue at this rate?

 

It's better to be with someone who is secure and reasonable with texting and considerate enough to have a normal phone or in person conversation with you. It's common sense.

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Consider that she may need a therapist to sort all her problems out with and as suggested above she can journal all her thoughts and go over it with a trained professional who can actually help her with her problems. There are also several online therapy options which she can try. She may be able to find one that suits her budget/insurance, etc. Suggest she do that if online chats are better for her.

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Whew. Okay, so the real issue isn't the texting - it's the lack of/ poor communication and her insecurities, and feeling like you aren't compatible. So I will focus only on that part, because that's the bigger deal:

 

If you think things aren't working out (which it certainly sounds like), you need to ask her to get together and talk in person. Then you need to tell her you are feeling unsure about your compatibility because of the insecurities she has expressed and the difficulties you two have lining up. Bring up that texting about serious issues is really stressful/ annoying for you and you prefer to discuss them in person. Maybe, if she feels nervous addressing concerns in person/ via telephone, you could suggest that she write you an email with her concerns instead, and then you can respond later on in person when you see each other?

 

I agree that discussing serious topics via text is super annoying and often gets tangled and complicated because so much can be read into responses. If she refuses to stick with this later after you've talked this out yet again, she's not respecting your wishes (she already isn't, but I do think this seems to stem from some nervousness on her part and can maybe be talked out in your discussion with her in person).

 

Ultimately, if you're just not feeling it, however, you aren't doing her any favors by sticking around and should probably consider ending it.

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Well, you started the relationship as friends and text buddies, but now you want it to change?

 

Actually, this woman does not sound so bad - she does not talk and smother you with affection? Some women will talk your ear off! Maybe you should take a second look at her. I know what I said could sound silly, but I'm serious!

 

A quiet woman?! Some guys would marry her!

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