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I've been through this before many years ago.

I know what to do.

But I forgot how painful it is, and how much of struggle it was.

 

It's been almost a week and i'm still crying most days. My heart physically aches, and my stomach hurts.

Food is a difficult concept to me now, along with the inability to sleep much.

I've done my best, I've made myself crystal clear and so has he.

It's done, it's over.

 

Tonight I might be able to manage, as I have plans and a job to do.

The difficulty will be stopping myself driving past his house. Why do I have such the urge to do that?

It achieves nothing but more heartbreak.

 

Argh, I have to really go easy on myself from now on. I'm not going to heal overnight.

*deep breath*

Here we go day 1.

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Stay strong. Your pain will lessen a tiny bit with each passing day. I went through the same pain and agony. It's such a shock to the system. It feels surreal. It sucks, but NC has to be done in order to heal. So sorry you are going through all this. I empathise with you. What helped me get through this awful time was focusing on the bad parts of the relationship. If I allowed myself to think of the good times, I would just start the cycle of tears, heartbreak, dispair etc. I've been NC for a year now and I feel better. You will too. Just let time heal your heart and soul.

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I am trying, but honestly there were not many bad parts at all. And he is a lovely person.

The problem was with me, and he became tired of waiting for me, so ended it. And he's seeing someone else although he insists he isn't in a relationship with anyone.

I have made myself perfectly clear and told him I want this to be serious and to make a go of this properly together.

He just says it's too late.

 

I can only try my best so much, but it's killing me not being able to call or text or see him. The worse thing is he is so nice that if I text him he will reply, but keep it brief and cold.

If I call him he will answer but insist he has made his mind up and won't change it.

So it turns into me trying to convince him otherwise and him just being nice but firm.

It's embarrassing and I need to stop humiliating myself.

The problem is he always thought I wasn't invested enough in the relationship, so me giving up now feels like i'm reinforcing that.

I feel like doing my best to fight for him and convince him i'm serious would show him that that's not the case.

And that goes against NC.

 

It's such a mess. I am trying to keep away from contact for the moment to try and get to a point I can think more clearer.

1 step and a time.

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I am trying, but honestly there were not many bad parts at all. And he is a lovely person.

The problem was with me, and he became tired of waiting for me, so ended it. And he's seeing someone else although he insists he isn't in a relationship with anyone.

I have made myself perfectly clear and told him I want this to be serious and to make a go of this properly together.

He just says it's too late.

 

I can only try my best so much, but it's killing me not being able to call or text or see him. The worse thing is he is so nice that if I text him he will reply, but keep it brief and cold.

If I call him he will answer but insist he has made his mind up and won't change it.

So it turns into me trying to convince him otherwise and him just being nice but firm.

It's embarrassing and I need to stop humiliating myself.

The problem is he always thought I wasn't invested enough in the relationship, so me giving up now feels like i'm reinforcing that.

I feel like doing my best to fight for him and convince him i'm serious would show him that that's not the case.

And that goes against NC.

 

It's such a mess. I am trying to keep away from contact for the moment to try and get to a point I can think more clearer.

1 step and a time.

 

It is extraordinarily hard not to text him or see him but, as you said, "It's embarrassing and I need to stop humiliating myself." Please don't chase something that no longer exists. You must accept that it's over and move on. He sounds like a lovely person but it's not working for either of you. That is your now reality, unfortunately. Yes, one step at a time. Baby steps. Why do you think the problem was with you? Have you thought about seeking therapy? That may shed some light on how you perceive yourself, etc. Heal yourself first.

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It is extraordinarily hard not to text him or see him but, as you said, "It's embarrassing and I need to stop humiliating myself." Please don't chase something that no longer exists. You must accept that it's over and move on. He sounds like a lovely person but it's not working for either of you. That is your now reality, unfortunately. Yes, one step at a time. Baby steps. Why do you think the problem was with you? Have you thought about seeking therapy? That may shed some light on how you perceive yourself, etc. Heal yourself first.

 

Thank you for your reply.

Yes the problem was with me. We had compatibility issues which kept preventing me from moving us forward into a closer relationship. He wanted us to be together properly, and I would hesitate.

But now he's actually pulled the rug from under me, all that hesitation has evaporated in a cloud of smoke and suddenly he is all I want. I don't care about anything else that may have bothered me before.

I feel like I should go to therapy but I've had to pay out a big sum of money recently and I can't afford the fees i'm being quoted at the moment.

 

I need to somehow convince myself it's over. My mind plays tricks on me that he'll come back, that this is temporary that eventually he will realise i'm serious and will have a change of heart.

This is one of the hardest things at the moment to overcome.

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Why did you only want him after he decided he didn't want you anymore?

 

I wish I knew. I keep asking myself why.

I never thought it would hit me like this.

I have had relationships end which were more serious and i was able to accept and move forward.

With this one i honestly wasn't expecting to feel so heartbroken. Just the thought of not having him in my life in any way is crushing.

 

I thought I was able to protect my heart while we were together, but it looks like he really did get in there and I didn't realise until now.

I have come clean and told him how I feel, but it's too late for me unfortunately.

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My situation was very similar to yours. I wasn't invested enough in the relationship and he fell out of love because of it so I sympathise with you. I have been in NC for more than a month now. I did all the convincing as well but it was pointless. Just leave him alone and focus on yourself instead. I still feel heartbroken but I cannot say that I am not in better position now compared to when it was still fresh. Block him from everything, including his number. I did it drastically, I even unfriended all of his friends on social media.

 

Today, I even saw him on Tinder, felt really uncomfortable at first but I had to be strong. I just proceeded to block him on Tinder and shrug it off. We cannot control people and that's that.

 

You cannot turn back time and you will just further push him away the more you try to convince him to reconcile. I would know. Hang in there, it's going to be a very tough journey but we are all in this together. During the first few days of my break-up I was exactly the same as you. I was a huge mess but now, I'm not quite there yet but it really does get better. One day at a time.

 

If you need someone to talk to, my inbox is open.

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Thank you for your reply.

Yes the problem was with me. We had compatibility issues which kept preventing me from moving us forward into a closer relationship. He wanted us to be together properly, and I would hesitate.

But now he's actually pulled the rug from under me, all that hesitation has evaporated in a cloud of smoke and suddenly he is all I want. I don't care about anything else that may have bothered me before.

I feel like I should go to therapy but I've had to pay out a big sum of money recently and I can't afford the fees i'm being quoted at the moment.

 

I need to somehow convince myself it's over. My mind plays tricks on me that he'll come back, that this is temporary that eventually he will realise i'm serious and will have a change of heart.

This is one of the hardest things at the moment to overcome.

 

Don't beat yourself up, dear Limiya. With time, you will see that things will get better. I am truly sorry that you've had to learn this the hard way. Perhaps you are now aware of what was holding you back and why, and you can fix it next time. Perhaps one day when you are in a better financial situation you can talk to a counselor. Or, if you feel comfortable, confide in a family member or a close friend. It might help to actually talk to a person IRL. Don't give up. Be kind to yourself and your broken heart will heal at some point. xx

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Thank you both so much for your responses and advice

 

I parked outside his house again tonight and his car wasn't there. I instantly knew he must be at hers.

I sat and cried my eyes out. I knew going there would hurt and achieve nothing, but i couldn't stop myself.

I picked up the phone and called a good friend who really gives me tough love, and he managed to talk me into calming down and driving home.

I don't know how i got back because I was a bawling crying mess all the way back.

 

I really wish I felt nothing. I don't know why it's hit me so hard or why im struggling. I just want him to hold me and tell me it's ok.

 

I'm really hating myself for doing it, and I know im not doing myself any favours. I just wish I could see him or speak to him.

 

I'm on the sofa now, trying to take deep breaths and pull myself together.

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First things first...stop telling yourself the false story that "I couldn't stop myself". Yes, you could. You chose to hurt yourself tonight, he didn't force you to drive over.

 

Second, you need to find a way to forgive yourself. Yes, you behaved immaturely (deciding you want him only after he didn't want you anymore, despite having plenty of time to love him the way he was trying to love you), but you can't change the past. All you can do is CHOOSE to move forward, and that doesn't mean doing things to hurt yourself. Punishing yourself isn't going to do you any good.

 

I like that you called a friend. Keep doing that.

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Thanks so much. I really appreciate you calling me out on my .

I know it's my own fault and that's why I am struggling so much with this. It's not like I can say I did nothing wrong because I did.

 

Every day I tell myself I'm going to accept and move on. I last about 2 days and then I turn into a mess.

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NOT a good idea to drive to his house. Why do you insist on hurting yourself? What did it accomplish??? It just sets you back and you know it. STOP that destructive behaviour! But, I guess that happens at the beginning. Forgive yourself for this one relapse but do not do it again. If you're tempted, just remember how crappy you felt afterwards. Do you want to feel like that again?

 

I remember how much misery and heartache I had at the beginning. Now, remember that I was married for 29 years. I was told by a friend who ran into him in the fall that he seemed so happy-go-lucky. So, while he's going around enjoying life, I was barely sleeping, barely eating, crying nearly 24/7, etc. I stopped and thought about it. Why should I be so miserable when he doesn't seem to care? It's counter-productive; however, since I was the dumpee, I had to go through the grieving process. I did my best to busy myself. I accepted the fact that I'd need time to heal. I'm still healing. I'm not the only person on this planet who's going/been through a divorce. I concentrated on all the good that I have in my life. I realised that things could be worse (poor health, etc). I asked my ex MIL and his ex SIL to not tell me anything about him. That way, I didn't know what he did, where he was, or with whom.

 

It sucks to have to process this loss but that's part of life. Something that nearly every person experiences in their lives at some point, unless you are a sociopath. Promise me that you will not go to his house again, please. It will only make it doubly hard to move on. You already have to deal with the breakup; you don't need to add insult to injury.

 

It's been a year for me to finally say that I do not care if he's with someone. I don't care if he's with 50 women. I simply don't care, honestly. Yes, I still feel hurt that he threw me to the curb. It hurts so much that I gave him my heart and soul and he didn't reciprocate but the only right choice for me is to move on. You, too, will get there, I promise. xx

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Thanks goddess. I really needed to hear that.

I won't go back there. Yes it was painful, it was like I wanted to see if he was home or at hers. As if it made a difference as to if he was thinking of me or not. Stupid I know.

It felt good to have a good cry though. I feel tired from it.

 

I have a good friend who keeps giving me tough love and it really helps.

I think it's slowly starting to sink in today that he's really not coming back. He's moved on and I can't change it.

I am not in control of him, and I don't possess him. He is an adult and can do as he pleases., as am I.

If I could turn back time I would, however it's not possible and I can only move forward.

 

Tomorrow will be hard, but i'll manage somehow. If it takes a year then so be it. I'm only at the 1st month.

1 day at a time is all I can do.

 

I just really need a hug. :)

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Sometimes it does feel good to have a cry. Kind of cleanses the system and it drains you. I cried so much at the beginning that I didn't think a human could produce so many tears. One day, I realised that I didn't cry as much. With each passing day, I cry a bit less. Do I still have an occasional cry? Yes. When something triggers a memory. I hate when that happens but I guess it's normal.

 

I am so glad that you have a friend who gives you tough love. That's so wonderful. The ex and I had mutual friends but they all turned their backs to me, except three. Sad. Apparently, the others were not genuine friends. Oh well. So disappointing but such is life. Just know that you have a lot of company. We will all get through it; some sooner than others. We each make progress at own own pace. Are you familiar with the stages of grieving? If not check this out: https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/ I am stuck at the anger stage right now, so I still have work to do. You hang in there. I know you have the strength to do it and you will! Sending you lots of virtual hugs. xx

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Thank you for the tips and advice.

The last time I went through a breakup, anger was what lasted the longest.

 

I'm having a better day today.

I started overthinking and getting upset so I put on some workout music and did a workout at home, followed by some cleaning, shower and then I made some notes with goals and targets I want to reach.

 

I still started to get the urge to drive to his house to check again, but i managed to stop myself.

 

That's another day of no contact on my calendar.

Deep breaths.

I know tomorrow will be really hard as it's my birthday so im going to try and enjoy todays success as much as possible.

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I am so proud that you resisted the temptation, Limiya. Good for you! I also found that some upbeat music made me feel so much better. A workout at home - WOW - way to go!

 

I've been in the anger stage for a while now and, like you mentioned, I imagine that I will also be stuck in that mode for a while. You are on the right track. Keep up the good work. I would like to wish you a very happy birthday, dear girl. I hope your special day is as special as you are. Never forget what a wonderful person you are. xx

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I've had a few breakups under my belt and as much as it's nothing to be proud of, I know what to expect.

 

I try to look at it like an alcoholic or drug addict going through a detox. The beginning it always the hardest as you go through withdrawals.

 

Each time you take a drink, a recovering alcoholic will have to start all over again. So if you think about it that way, there is some motivation to resist the urge to check and or drive by. All the pain you feel right now is basically for nothing and you have to start all over again. i don't know about you, but once is enough for me. So be kind to yourself and resist going backwards.

 

Recognize it's going to be bad for a while. No surprises. It really hurts, but it won't kill you. I have learned to basically sit in the middle of it cry, vent, whatever and let it pass through me.

 

Distractions are good and bad, because if you distract yourself too much, the grief is always there waiting for you to process it. You deal with it, or it deals with you. Better off leaning into it and getting it over with.

 

I am sorry you are hurting.

Reading your words take me back to some not so good times.

But it does pass. It always does

And . . .when you're ready and willing, you will find love again.

 

Hang in there.

Come here and vent anytime.

If you feel tempted and don't trust yourself, come here first or call a friend.

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Your messages give me so much comfort and hope that I will get through this.

It's been so long since I have felt this level of pain that I really need support both online and offline.

 

I almost sent him a message. Wrote it out, read it back to myself, then deleted it.

That was something.

Although i haven't been able to block his number yet, i know that eventually i will.

 

My mind is still making up stories about him and this woman. That they are moving very fast and will be married in next to no time, with kids.

 

I think its because that's what happened when my last relationship ended. Plus i know he really wants to settle with someone and have a family.

So occasionally i just get sudden panic attacks over it.

 

Deep breaths.

Thanks for the lovely birthday wishes.

I will report back tomorrow. Xxxx

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I've had a few breakups under my belt and as much as it's nothing to be proud of, I know what to expect.

 

I try to look at it like an alcoholic or drug addict going through a detox. The beginning it always the hardest as you go through withdrawals.

 

Each time you take a drink, a recovering alcoholic will have to start all over again. So if you think about it that way, there is some motivation to resist the urge to check and or drive by. All the pain you feel right now is basically for nothing and you have to start all over again. i don't know about you, but once is enough for me. So be kind to yourself and resist going backwards.

 

Recognize it's going to be bad for a while. No surprises. It really hurts, but it won't kill you. I have learned to basically sit in the middle of it cry, vent, whatever and let it pass through me.

 

Distractions are good and bad, because if you distract yourself too much, the grief is always there waiting for you to process it. You deal with it, or it deals with you. Better off leaning into it and getting it over with.

 

I am sorry you are hurting.

Reading your words take me back to some not so good times.

But it does pass. It always does

And . . .when you're ready and willing, you will find love again.

 

Hang in there.

Come here and vent anytime.

If you feel tempted and don't trust yourself, come here first or call a friend.

 

Beautifully said, reinventmyself.

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As I mentioned earlier, the ex already had someone sleeping in my bed 11 days after I moved out. Granted, we were separated but legally still married. I wish I hadn't seen her "evidence" at the house. It took me so long to get over that. It haunted me day and night. I lost sleep over it also. I constantly wondered what they were doing. Why? I guess I couldn't bear the thought that I was so easily replaced and so quickly. Mind blowing, for sure. I suppose he started seeing her in June or so. Who knows how long they had been talking on-line. My son told me he met her on a dating site. I imagined them having Thanksgiving and Christmas together. We were supposed to go to Disney World in October. I imagined them going there. Guess what? They dated about two months and then she gave him the cold shoulder. I'm not ashamed to say that I was overjoyed that they broke up. Immature? Yes, but it's how I felt.

 

I was so disgusted with him that I never went back to the house even though I still had more things that I wanted/needed. I didn't want to see him nor talk to him. So I never had the urge to contact him. I did have self-respect, IMO. You will get over it and as reinventmyself said, the beginning is the hardest but it will pass. I hope your birthday was nice. xx

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Wow goddess, what a story.

I was the same with my last ex. We were 6 years together and I didn't know it at the time but he left me for someone else.

He swore blind there wasn't anyone else.

When I found out a couple of weeks later, I was absolutely heartbroken. Within a few months they were engaged and married the following year.

I think they're still together but I wouldn't know.

 

Perhaps this breakup is bringing up old residual feelings from that. I wouldn't be surprised honestly.

The anger took years to pass. I'm indifferent to it now.

 

 

Anyway, I received a birthday message from my current ex this morning.

It said the following:

 

'Happy birthday (pet name)(cake emoji),

Have a great day (kiss emoji)'

 

I have archived it and ignored it for now. I don't want to address it in any way at the moment. I just want to get on with my birthday evening.

I honestly wasn't expecting anything, but he sent it at 10am so he didn't waste any time.

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Wow goddess, what a story.

I was the same with my last ex. We were 6 years together and I didn't know it at the time but he left me for someone else.

He swore blind there wasn't anyone else.

When I found out a couple of weeks later, I was absolutely heartbroken. Within a few months they were engaged and married the following year.

I think they're still together but I wouldn't know.

 

Perhaps this breakup is bringing up old residual feelings from that. I wouldn't be surprised honestly.

The anger took years to pass. I'm indifferent to it now.

 

 

Anyway, I received a birthday message from my current ex this morning.

It said the following:

 

'Happy birthday (pet name)(cake emoji),

Have a great day (kiss emoji)'

 

I have archived it and ignored it for now. I don't want to address it in any way at the moment. I just want to get on with my birthday evening.

I honestly wasn't expecting anything, but he sent it at 10am so he didn't waste any time.

 

Hi Limiya. Sorry for not responding sooner but my son moved yesterday. My brother's MIL passed away yesterday. I've been so busy. I also need to go to the wake and funeral and it's about 4 hours on Amtrak. Then from Penn Station NYC to not even sure where.

 

Well, it was certainly nice of him to send you that birthday message. Perhaps just a simple 'thank you' will suffice as an answer when you feel up to it. But, no more. Don't set yourself up for more heartbreak. You know the deal.

 

I have to run. I have so much to do this weekend. Stay strong and take good care of yourself. Remember: one step at a time and let time work its magic. xx

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Goddess. I'm sending lots of love your way to you and the family.

I hope everything is ok.

Big hugs xxx

 

Thank you very much. To you as well. Everything will be fine and it will with you too. Feel free to send me a PM anytime, OK? Big hugs xx

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