Not feeling like a priority

[Rabican]

Any chance she's started seeing someone else?

 

I mean... All the I'm doing this and that and missing dinners and whatever else.... Tell me that wouldn't fit the bill.

[AnonymousSloth]

Any chance she's started seeing someone else?

 

I mean... All the I'm doing this and that and missing dinners and whatever else.... Tell me that wouldn't fit the bill.

 

I don't think so, but hey - you never know.

 

Recent incident - She's been talking about us going to a soccer match together. It hadn't come up in awhile - and knowing her circle of soccer friends I found it quite odd I hadn't heard anything about it. I asked her about it - "hey, when is that, are we still planning on going, did you secure tix yet?" - She said she didn't have tix yet etc etc - and I noticed a complete lack of eye contact - and perhaps a whiff of mild panic - in her response.

 

I thought about this for awhile and it struck me as a little odd. I *know* the crew of people going would be ALL over this the moment tix went on sale (it's a USWNT match). I got on my computer to check my work emails this morning and her email was up... I'm ashamed to admit it, but given how things were going I just couldn't help myself and searched for "tickets" and sure enough - two tickets purchased last week.

 

I'm not sure how to even address this. She lied to me. Who's the other ticket for (probably one of her girl soccer friends, but who know)? For my part, I snooped. crappy feeling all around.

[AnonymousSloth]

I don't think so, but hey - you never know.

 

Recent incident - She's been talking about us going to a soccer match together. It hadn't come up in awhile - and knowing her circle of soccer friends I found it quite odd I hadn't heard anything about it. I asked her about it - "hey, when is that, are we still planning on going, did you secure tix yet?" - She said she didn't have tix yet etc etc - and I noticed a complete lack of eye contact - and perhaps a whiff of mild panic - in her response.

 

I thought about this for awhile and it struck me as a little odd. I *know* the crew of people going would be ALL over this the moment tix went on sale (it's a USWNT match). I got on my computer to check my work emails this morning and her email was up... I'm ashamed to admit it, but given how things were going I just couldn't help myself and searched for "tickets" and sure enough - two tickets purchased last week.

 

I'm not sure how to even address this. She lied to me. Who's the other ticket for (probably one of her girl soccer friends, but who know)? For my part, I snooped. crappy feeling all around.

 

To clarify, as part of my asking her about this - I did let on that I was concerned I was left out, given how things have been going. So it doesn't seem possible to me that IF she had purchased that second ticket for me, that she wouldn't have said so right then and there.

[MissCanuck]

While I don't think this relationship is in a good place - perhaps she was planning to surprise you with the tickets?

[AnonymousSloth]

While I don't think this relationship is in a good place - perhaps she was planning to surprise you with the tickets?

 

I considered that. Did you see my post just above yours? It seems to me that would be the time she mentions the surprise. Very curious to see how tonight plays out. I'm just going to remain silent about what I discovered and see what happens.

[AnonymousSloth]

One thing I also noticed from previous threads is that OP seems to be attracted to women who are somewhat emotionally unavailable... perhaps something to consider OP if you want a relationship with someone that is willing to accommodate you and meet your needs in the future.

 

I did some research on emotionally unavailable partners and my partner shows every sign of this (sans chemical dependence as stated in some of my findings). I am convinced this is what I am up against.

 

My question turns to this: How do I even begin to approach this with her and/or our therapist? I don't want to be viewed as "diagnosing" her - I have my own issues to deal with as well (abusive step father/strict parents in childhood, 13year marriage that ended with mass infidelity etc).

 

I realize this is likely a losing battle, but I do love this person and our families are integrated so closely. Couple that with the fact that I need to feel like I've exhausted my options before walking away.

 

I now recognize my love for her focuses on the memories and times when she allows herself to come closer to me.

[katrina1980]

I did some research on emotionally unavailable partners and my partner shows every sign of this (sans chemical dependence as stated in some of my findings). I am convinced this is what I am up against.

 

My question turns to this: How do I even begin to approach this with her and/or our therapist? I don't want to be viewed as "diagnosing" her - I have my own issues to deal with as well (abusive step father/strict parents in childhood, 13year marriage that ended with mass infidelity etc).

 

I realize this is likely a losing battle, but I do love this person and our families are integrated so closely. Couple that with the fact that I need to feel like I've exhausted my options before walking away.

 

I now recognize my love for her focuses on the memories and times when she allows herself to come closer to me.

 

Ugh, back to her again.

 

You missed the entire point of maew’s post, which was to not place your focus on her – whether she’s emotionally unavailable or whatever – that’s her issue to resolve, not yours.

 

But rather to focus on you, and why you become attracted to such women, which has become a pattern, so worth exploring further and resolving if you want to break that pattern, and have a happy harmonious relationship in the future (with someone else) sans all this unnecessary drama and armchair diagnosing.

 

This is what you should be discussing with your therapist, not how to approach her, change her, or fix her.

[AnonymousSloth]

Ugh, back to her again.

 

You missed the entire point of maew’s point, which was to not place your focus on her – whether she’s emotionally unavailable or whatever – that’s her issue to resolve, not yours.

 

But rather to focus on you, and why you become attracted to such women, which has become a pattern, so worth exploring further and resolving if you want to break that pattern, and have a happy harmonious relationship in the future (with someone else) sans all this unnecessary drama and armchair diagnosing.

 

This is what you should be discussing with your therapist, not how to approach her, change her, or fix her.

 

Because there is no "pattern of being attracted to emotionally unavailable women". Maybe I'm missing something. My previous exes weren't emotionally unavailable. Maybe my ex wife, but only at the end (after her brother died and we'd just grown apart after almost 20 years). This is a first for me.

 

After 4+ years of an integrated family -and pinpointing on some issues, what's the harm of trying?

 

Of course, I have questions to ask myself on how it's gotten this far down the road - and I've already begun to address this with my therapist.

[katrina1980]

You said it's not a pattern?

 

Posted by maew:

 

>>One thing I also noticed from previous threads is that OP seems to be attracted to women who are somewhat emotionally unavailable... perhaps something to consider OP if you want a relationship with someone that is willing to accommodate you and meet your needs in the future.

 

Anyway, sorry didn't mean to hit a nerve, but emotional honesty and introspection (on your own and/or with the help of a qualified therapist) is so important, and often reveals things about ourselves we either don't wish to acknowledge or are in denial about.

 

In any event, wish you the best.

[AnonymousSloth]

You said it's not a pattern?

 

Posted by maew:

 

>>One thing I also noticed from previous threads is that OP seems to be attracted to women who are somewhat emotionally unavailable... perhaps something to consider OP if you want a relationship with someone that is willing to accommodate you and meet your needs in the future.

 

Anyway, sorry didn't mean to hit a nerve, but emotional honesty and introspection (on your own and/or with the help of a qualified therapist) is so important, and often reveals things about ourselves we either don't wish to acknowledge or are in denial about.

 

In any event, wish you the best.

 

All good! Yeah perhaps maew thought my posts were about different people. i've only ever sought this level of relationship advice in my current situation.

 

I'm getting there. I'm certain a lot of what I am experiencing/behaving now has to do with my divorce and the way in which that ended. I was a child with divorced parents - and never wanted my kids to have to go through that. I know, in my heart of hearts, that's a BIG reason why I'm trying so hard to find common ground in my current situation. My kids adore her and she is so good with them. I recognize that I need to be somewhat selfish here - as what's good for me is ultimately best for them.

 

I do love this person - I also know I can't change her - that needs to come from her - but I'll posit also that it's hard to change if we can't see ourselves - and sometimes it takes a loved one to sit us down and have that heart to heart. I would want my partner to do the same for me - and not just run away without trying. In this day and age, with all the opinions on the internet, apps, etc - i think we're losing our way on how to work through things *together*. Something different is a swipe away - and I guess "i'm a little old school and believe in working together - but both parties need to want that and I have been making excuses for her.

[Honeycomb8]

Are you sure she isn't cheating on you? Certainly sounds like it based on her behaviour. :I

 

Esp this: why panic and lie about tickets if she was indeed going and bought two? That seems suspicious as hell.

 

Also who are these ppl she's hanging out with? It's all very vague considering you've been together for four freaking years.

[AnonymousSloth]

Are you sure she isn't cheating on you? Certainly sounds like it based on her behaviour. :I

 

Esp this: why panic and lie about tickets if she was indeed going and bought two? That seems suspicious as hell.

 

Also who are these ppl she's hanging out with? It's all very vague considering you've been together for four freaking years.

 

Again, I can't know for certain, really. I don't think that's what's happening and have been watching for any others signs. I would expect more "hey I ave to stay late at work today" etc etc, creating opportunities to be with whatever person that might be. Hasn't been that way.

 

I think the two tickets were for her and her daughter. Her daughter really wanted to go, badly and I can't imagine her being left out. Me, on the other hand, welp! As far as that goes, she never came clean with me but bought tix for the whole family to go together. So there's that. It's going to be really hard for me to live that down without ever calling her out.

 

The people she's hanging with are her teammates from soccer. I've known them since the beginning. No new players here - most of them have SOs etc. No unusual behaviors like talking about Person X all the time etc.

 

This is a tough one for me because my ex. All the red flags were there but I was too blind to see it (no way would she ever, right?). The danger for me here is being too quick to jump to that conclusion.

[Wiseman2]

Accept that some people need more autonomy and privacy than others. Just because you're a couple/family it doesn't mean your lives as individuals end. Don't fret when people are to themselves once in a while. Pulling the reins too tight on togetherness and mind-melds can be suffocating and as estranging as a lack of communication or withdrawing. Often the "too much togetherness" person pushes the other to firm up boundaries, creating a vicious cycle. You're already going to a therapist. Use that opportunity to address concerns. Skip the pop psychology.