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Am I Right to End This Relationship


jannijan
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Hi, I'm new to this forum but have just managed to get my boyfriend of two years to talk to me about where he sees our relationship going. He got me into the relationship when I wasn't interested in anyone and would say things like "I'll put a ring on your finger". Then he became distant. A few weeks ago he said he was going on holiday because he needed some sun (alone?). Then he announced that he wanted to go out on Friday evenings with the lads. He's not meeting my needs and we seem to have gone from him wanting us to move in together to both being free agents. I think the relationship is toxic and am about to tell him to go on as many holidays and have as many evenings out with the lads as he wants as we're not going anywhere. "We're together for the moment" is what he said tonight and when I questioned that he tried to say it's my head that's funny. He says he'll always be around and if I walk away he'll have other people keep an eye on me so he knows I'm OK. He's done a lot for me but I feel I've been used and if the relationship is going nowhere then..... Am I right to end this?

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Has he already gone on this holiday? Do you think he could be meeting someone there?

 

How much time had you two been spending together when he told you that Friday nights would be devoted to his friends now? I am trying to work out whether this need for more space in borne out of feeling too suffocated in the relationship, or if something more is going on with him that he hasn't shared yet.

 

I would be alarmed that he's now saying you're together for the moment, in any case. That sounds very much like he is strongly contemplating ending the relationship. It's also bizarre that he would mention he'll have other people around to make sure you're okay. What an odd comment. Is he worried you can't survive without him or something?

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Odds are that if you have to ask this question you already know the answer. What that “a lot” is he’s done for you, it sounds like it’s in the past, not the present or future. He doesn’t particularly invested—or particularly kind—and honestly you don’t sound particularly invested either, at least from the tone of this post.

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Hi. Thanks for the replies. I was interested although that little voice in the back of my head kept telling me he wasn't sincere. But he would go overboard and do really romantic things. I'm in a very vulnerable situation but have a business so he is worried and he helped a lot with that business, building work, etc. Then I felt distance, like I was just a convenience. We've spent every weekend together. On Friday I just felt so sad around him, he drove me to the doctor and I got anti-depressants. But it makes me angry because I feel that I'm on anti-depressants because of him. He's trying to make out it's because of my past. Like most people, I've been through a lot but that's what happens when you really live life. Given what he said tonight, I just think he undervalues me and it's time to kick him into touch.

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When your relationship compels you to take ant-depressants, you really need to end the relationship.

 

My sense is that trouble has been brewing for a while and you've just now had the courage to ask him if he sees you in his future. You didn't get the answer you'd hoped for, and it's clear you've been unhappy for some time. It's beyond time to part ways, in my opinion.

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Yes, I'm unhappy but I'm sure I'll be happy again when I end the situation. I've been asking for some time if there's something wrong and a few weeks ago I walked out. He came running after. He could just be scared of commitment but in my heart of hearts I feel it's time to end things totally. He also said tonight that he'll always support me (not financially) and that he'll always be around but as what? I told him if I walked away it was a no going back situation but had to bite my tongue not to say that we couldn't be friends because friends don't put one another onto anti-depressants.

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Thanks for the reply Miss Cannuck No, he hasn't gone on holiday yet and he says he's going alone. I work on Friday nights and he likes to dance. He swears blind that there's no-one else and that he's not interested in anyone else but he likes to dance. I know that but I've told him that to my way of thinking, going out with the lads is going out looking for someone. I don't know whether I'm right to think that or not.

 

He's put in a hell of a lot of work on my business, building work alone would cost about 8K. So I can't figure out what he wants for us. I can't understand why someone would do that for nothing? He's also saying he'll do more and that we should spend more time together.

 

But I feel like a convenience. I don't feel valued or appreciated personally. He has issues (really bad childhood) but .... Unfortunately, I love him but I just feel he's messing with my head too much and feel I should end things as he's now causing me pain. Rather, I'm causing myself pain, by not putting an end to it.

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The relationship is not 'Toxic.' It has simply run its course.

 

Yes, you are right to end it. His own needs are more important than yours. Being together 'for the moment' means that he wants to keep his options open. Move on.

 

Sadly, I feel the same. If I end it now, I can hold onto good memories instead of bad ones methinks.

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Odds are that if you have to ask this question you already know the answer. What that “a lot” is he’s done for you, it sounds like it’s in the past, not the present or future. He doesn’t particularly invested—or particularly kind—and honestly you don’t sound particularly invested either, at least from the tone of this post.

 

Sorry about this, I've only just discovered how to reply to you all individually. He's done about 8k's work on my business and gets involved with it. He wants to do more. I can't get my head around why someone would do that for nothing. But, at the end of the day, in my heart of hearts, I'm on anti-depressants and feel if even only for that reason, the relationship has to end.

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Sadly, I feel the same. If I end it now, I can hold onto good memories instead of bad ones methinks.

 

This is the best place to be in for a breakup. No need to hang onto scraps, as resentments fester and blossom, waiting until you totally hate the other person (and, by extension, yourself) to pull the plug.

 

It sucks. In a weird way, we always want it to be "obvious" that we should end things—that our partner has turned into a monster, cheated on us, something definitive that we can latch onto. But—and thank god for this—those situations are the exception, not the rule. People outgrow people, and relationships run their course. It happens. Just because they aren't forever—and nothing, really, is forever, not you, not me—doesn't invalidate them.

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This is the best place to be in for a breakup. No need to hang onto scraps, as resentments fester and blossom, waiting until you totally hate the other person (and, by extension, yourself) to pull the plug.

 

It sucks. In a weird way, we always want it to be "obvious" that we should end things—that our partner has turned into a monster, cheated on us, something definitive that we can latch onto. But—and thank god for this—those situations are the exception, not the rule. People outgrow people, and relationships run their course. It happens. Just because they aren't forever—and nothing, really, is forever, not you, not me—doesn't invalidate them.

 

Thanks bluecastle. Just got to cope with the hurt feelings and bitter disappointment now. It really helps to have this being aired as it shows me that it's not my head that's odd but his head and his behaviour.

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I also believe that the relationship has run its course. It's just not working. Don't over-analyse what he did in the past for your business. Don't feel obligated to remain in the relationship because of that. Just think of what he's said to you recently and how he's treating you. Let him go; you know in your heart of hearts that that's what you must do. Besides, you seem rather disappointed and unhappy in the relationship. Why stay in something that stresses you out so much that you need to go on tranquilizers? You don't need that. I also don't like that"We're together for the moment" What is that about??? You also seem ready to cut the cord. Do it, and be free to take care of yourself and get peace and happiness. You deserve that along with love and respect.

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I also believe that the relationship has run its course. It's just not working. Don't over-analyse what he did in the past for your business. Don't feel obligated to remain in the relationship because of that. Just think of what he's said to you recently and how he's treating you. Let him go; you know in your heart of hearts that that's what you must do. Besides, you seem rather disappointed and unhappy in the relationship. Why stay in something that stresses you out so much that you need to go on tranquilizers? You don't need that. You also seem ready to cut the cord. Do it, and be free to take care of yourself and get peace and happiness. You deserve that along with love and respect.

 

Thanks Goddess. That is exactly what I've been telling myself. I was angry when he drove me to the doctors. I'm sitting there knowing his behaviour was the cause of me needing to go to the doctor and him trying to blame my head and my past. I'll just stop trying to get my head around why he's done so much work on the business because whatever it was it shouldn't be costing my happiness.

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Yes, you're right to end this. He sounds insincere and noncommittal. His actions don't match his words.

 

His words sound so eloquent such as "I'll put a ring on your finger" and "we're together for the moment." Then he wants to go on holiday for sun and hang out with his lads. He's all over the map because he goes from wanting to move in together to both being free agents. He sounds like a nut. Obviously, he doesn't treat you as if you matter and as if you are a priority in his life.

 

It's nice that he did a lot for you in the past but nowadays he's not there for you nor will he promise to be consistently available in your life. Let him go. He's too busy enjoying his carefree life. You deserve a man who treats you with daily and long term respect, loyalty and humble devotion. Everyone else is an instant reject!

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Thanks Goddess. That is exactly what I've been telling myself. I was angry when he drove me to the doctors. I'm sitting there knowing his behaviour was the cause of me needing to go to the doctor and him trying to blame my head and my past. I'll just stop trying to get my head around why he's done so much work on the business because whatever it was it shouldn't be costing my happiness.

 

That is so wrong of him to blame your head. How dare he take advantage of your vulnerability? He is so darned self-centered and selfish. You are so right: it should not be costing your happiness. You have a very good attitude. Keep it up, OK?

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He's done about 8k's work on my business and gets involved with it. He wants to do more. I can't get my head around why someone would do that for nothing.

 

That was then.

This is now.

 

People do things for each other all the time within relationships because at that point in time they are happy within it.

But it is not a commitment nor promise to.

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I was angry when he drove me to the doctors. I'm sitting there knowing his behaviour was the cause of me needing to go to the doctor and him trying to blame my head and my past.

 

I’m sorry but you really need to deal with your depression and stop blaming others for it.

Perhaps you weren’t happy with his behaviour and treatment towards you , but you didn’t become depressed overnight. You became depressed because of your own acceptance of his behaviour over time.

But why did you accept his behaviour and not believe you deserve better? And thereby leave the relationship?

I don’t know of your past but perhaps that is a factor in why you stayed in a situation that you weren’t happy with?

 

I’m unsure of what the bad behaviour is exactly? You haven’t really said?

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Yes, you're right to end this. He sounds insincere and noncommittal. His actions don't match his words.

 

His words sound so eloquent such as "I'll put a ring on your finger" and "we're together for the moment." Then he wants to go on holiday for sun and hang out with his lads. He's all over the map because he goes from wanting to move in together to both being free agents. He sounds like a nut. Obviously, he doesn't treat you as if you matter and as if you are a priority in his life.

 

It's nice that he did a lot for you in the past but nowadays he's not there for you nor will he promise to be consistently available in your life. Let him go. He's too busy enjoying his carefree life. You deserve a man who treats you with daily and long term respect, loyalty and humble devotion. Everyone else is an instant reject!

 

Thanks Cherlyn. I agree. I have his stuff packed and I've changed the sim card in my phone. I'll just firmly tell him it's over when he shows up. I've decided I'll just say that after his comments last night about both being free agents, I believe the relationship is over and ask for the business keys back from. I'll hand him his stuff, wish him well and tell him not to contact me again as I've got some nice memories and that's all the relationship now is.

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Sorry to hear this. It's just not working. Do you share a phone plan or a business? Do you live together? Just end it then block and delete him and all his people from all your messaging apps, accounts, and social media. Change the locks and change all your passwords on all your accounts and devices.

 

However do not blame him for all your problems or feel used. Continue your medical treatment and therapy. Bad relationships do not cause depression, depression causes bad relationships.

 

Next time do not over invest and beg for commitments from someone who clearly is not as interested in a committed relationship as you are..

I have his stuff packed and I've changed the sim card in my phone. I believe the relationship is over and ask for the business keys back from.
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I’m sorry but you really need to deal with your depression and stop blaming others for it.

Perhaps you weren’t happy with his behaviour and treatment towards you , but you didn’t become depressed overnight. You became depressed because of your own acceptance of his behaviour over time.

But why did you accept his behaviour and not believe you deserve better? And thereby leave the relationship?

I don’t know of your past but perhaps that is a factor in why you stayed in a situation that you weren’t happy with?

 

I’m unsure of what the bad behaviour is exactly? You haven’t really said?

 

Thanks for the reply Billie28. I fully accept that, yes, I did accept his behaviour. I do not accept for one minute that he's blameless. He is a manipulator, pure and simple. I can see it all so much more clearly in the light of day. Love is blind is a very old saying which is apt in my case. He, quite simply, led me up the garden path. He was planning our lives together. He interacted with all my customers and they all thought we were a couple. But, hey ho, everyone was wrong as it turns out. It wasn't just me he fooled. When you love someone you want to believe so you do. I certainly did until the clay feet stood out so much on the pedestool I'd put him on, that I couldn't ignore them. Behind closed doors I was shown a different picture. He would watch movies or the tv and ignore me until bedtime. The charm and the shutting me out were in equal measure. He swore he loved me. I couldn't figure out why he would do so much to the business if he didn't. So I was in a constant state of confusion and cognitive dissonance. I work to earn a living. He's living the life of Riley on the state on every sickness benefit he can claim for. And he's not sick at all. He's a manipulator and a good one at that. I'm glad I've wakened up and all it took was a good night's sleep after a day of abject misery when you're with someone you love but aren't connecting.

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That is so wrong of him to blame your head. How dare he take advantage of your vulnerability? He is so darned self-centered and selfish. You are so right: it should not be costing your happiness. You have a very good attitude. Keep it up, OK?

 

Thanks goddess. I couldn't believe the cheek of it either. He's driving me to the doctors as if he cared but not care enough to say I Love You or it'll be alright. He said none of the things that you would expect of a partner. I felt like telling him that it was the so-called relationship that was causing a depression and the doctor couldn't sort that out. But I kept my mouth shut. Strangely, I'm not so depressed now I've made the decision. I've changed the sim on the phone, put his stuff in a bag and he can take it when he calls in. It's laughable how he can wonder how I'm confused when he obviously made a unilateral decision not to be in a partnership without telling the other person - me?! I'm better off without him.

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Thanks for the reply Billie28. I fully accept that, yes, I did accept his behaviour. I do not accept for one minute that he's blameless. He is a manipulator, pure and simple. I can see it all so much more clearly in the light of day. Love is blind is a very old saying which is apt in my case. He, quite simply, led me up the garden path. He was planning our lives together. He interacted with all my customers and they all thought we were a couple. But, hey ho, everyone was wrong as it turns out. It wasn't just me he fooled. When you love someone you want to believe so you do. I certainly did until the clay feet stood out so much on the pedestool I'd put him on, that I couldn't ignore them. Behind closed doors I was shown a different picture. He would watch movies or the tv and ignore me until bedtime. The charm and the shutting me out were in equal measure. He swore he loved me. I couldn't figure out why he would do so much to the business if he didn't. So I was in a constant state of confusion and cognitive dissonance. I work to earn a living. He's living the life of Riley on the state on every sickness benefit he can claim for. And he's not sick at all. He's a manipulator and a good one at that. I'm glad I've wakened up and all it took was a good night's sleep after a day of abject misery when you're with someone you love but aren't connecting.

 

He interacted with people and they thought you were a couple but they were wrong???

They were not wrong , you were a couple!!

 

Now you are retracting your statement that he put 8K into your business and that he is actually living off the state? Did you accept his payout and put it into your business knowing where it came from and now suddenly disgusted by that? Just because the relationship is pretty much over? Are you planning on returning that money to tax payers?

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I was interested although that little voice in the back of my head kept telling me he wasn't sincere. But he would go overboard and do really romantic things.

 

Attempting to start a relationship by promising a ring isn't romantic, it's a giant red flag.

 

Advice from Grandma: "The problem isn't that snakes will cross your path, they will. The problem comes when you don't respect yourself enough to avoid picking up the snake to play with it."

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He interacted with people and they thought you were a couple but they were wrong???

They were not wrong , you were a couple!!

 

Now you are retracting your statement that he put 8K into your business and that he is actually living off the state? Did you accept his payout and put it into your business knowing where it came from and now suddenly disgusted by that? Just because the relationship is pretty much over? Are you planning on returning that money to tax payers?

 

About 8k worth of work. I bought the materials and I am a taxpayer. I didn't ask him to do the work. But, as you seem determined to jump to the conclusion that it's all my fault and he's blameless, yes, I didn't stop him from doing the work either. At the end of the day, he made a unilateral decision to end a partnership without telling the partner. I kept asking if he wanted out and he swore blind he loved me?

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