Lies

[figureitout23]

Yes, I agree -I had hesitated because I got lost in the details. I never thought it was unintentional. I was a little confused about what he precisely promised to be truthful about.

 

If Im completely honest, would I lie too in this situation....depending on how much I cared...maybe...I'd be incredibly pissed, thats for sure. You dont get to OK our situationship, then hold me to unspoken standards and berate me to answer you. I get why he did what he did. Right or wrong, I get it.

 

The uncomfortable truth I think was clearly laid out by Bat:

 

I don't think it was unintentional or bound to happen. He lied -I just see some gray areas.

 

Really? Inexperience? You just finished saying you were a microbiologist and are experienced about the risks. As a practical matter you gave him a free pass to have sex with other women and you. It's not "complex" other than on a practical level. But on a practical level you know as you said what the risks are, you were under a doctor's care, etc. I think you chose to be naive/blind because the benefits outweighed the risks -the benefits were you didn't have to be as vulnerable to him and ask him to pick only you, you got to have the option of hooking up and having sex with other men, etc. (I mean you couldn't really do that and ask him to abstain, right -but I bet part of you hoped he wouldn't take you up on the free pass to have sex with other women)

 

I think the unrealistic part was expecting him to know all the ins and outs (pun intended) about STDs and timing and risks without spelling it out and unrealistic to think that you could have an arrangement where you got to be "serious" emotionally and casual about sex -that's a rare combination and one that can work in certain polyamorous relationships -and from what I know those do require a certain type of person and a lot of rules.

 

So yes in one way complex - but I wouldn't go for the "it's my inexperience" - it was a choice because having those discussions about private parts and sexual activity and risks and STDs is kind of dull and kind of awkward and you wanted him to want you and be excited about you -as you said he wasn't just a sex buddy.

 

Its the only thing that makes logical sense, so this is what im going with...

 

 

However, just because it is a riskier lifestyle, doesn't mean you shouldn't try to minimize your risk. I learned from my work and education, that if you have sexual contact with a person, then there is always a risk. Unless if you two are virgins, there is a risk for contracting STDs. After that, there is only limiting the risk level. The only way to have sexual safety with someone who isn't a virgin is to either establish exclusivity (given they don't cheat), be celibate with them for at least 6 months, and have them perform an STD panel multiple times (with negative results) or have them already done this 6 months prior. Even then, you cannot be tested for everything (some are even intentionally excluded such as herpes), and I see a fair share of human error than testing agencies would like to admit (hence doing it multiple times). Additionally, paperwork on what/when tests were performed are more reliable than verbal communications about one's status. Anything deviating from this, people are deluding themselves into thinking they've achieved sexual safety while having sex with a person. The thing is, this unfortunately just isn't very realistic.

 

I do accept there are risks anytime I have sexual relations with a person, but it doesn't sit well with me at all if I suffer consequences that were preventable by telling the truth in the first place. At the very least, in the context of a relationship I should be given that. The lifestyle is risky in the first place and I could have received anything at anytime unknowingly, in which the detail is at a glance minimal in the grand scheme. However, the key to minimizing risks is knowing what/when to prevent it before it does damage. To go in blind doesn't make sense either.

 

Yatsue...one minute you know full well the risks and want to minimize them while also wanting to explore poly relations....with no ground rules...come on...you have no leg to stand on... you pointed out the 6 month inclubation period, true or not Im not sure...youve been dating 5 months...so by those standards, youre right,he could have given you something, your words so again your hyper focus on this 'betrayal' of lying about the timing makes even less sense based on your own words....

 

Im putting 'betrayal' because at the end of the day, you two had no ground rules when this happened as bat said you just hoped he wasnt.

 

We all lie, whether its a fib or flat out blatant dishonesty, we've all done it and we've all experienced consequences for those lies.

 

I feel you're viewing his lie at a 10 because of feelings bigger than what the actual lie was about.

 

If youre to move past this, you have to accept and embrace your feelings. If the trust is lost its lost, if theres hope theres hope, at the end of the day, only you can decide.be honest with yourself... can you both move forward in clarity? If so and the desire is there, go for it. Both being open and honest going forward.

[yatsue]

I don't think it was unintentional or bound to happen. He lied -I just see some gray areas.

 

Really? Inexperience? You just finished saying you were a microbiologist and are experienced about the risks. As a practical matter you gave him a free pass to have sex with other women and you. It's not "complex" other than on a practical level. But on a practical level you know as you said what the risks are, you were under a doctor's care, etc. I think you chose to be naive/blind because the benefits outweighed the risks -the benefits were you didn't have to be as vulnerable to him and ask him to pick only you, you got to have the option of hooking up and having sex with other men, etc. (I mean you couldn't really do that and ask him to abstain, right -but I bet part of you hoped he wouldn't take you up on the free pass to have sex with other women)

 

I think the unrealistic part was expecting him to know all the ins and outs (pun intended) about STDs and timing and risks without spelling it out and unrealistic to think that you could have an arrangement where you got to be "serious" emotionally and casual about sex -that's a rare combination and one that can work in certain polyamorous relationships -and from what I know those do require a certain type of person and a lot of rules.

 

So yes in one way complex - but I wouldn't go for the "it's my inexperience" - it was a choice because having those discussions about private parts and sexual activity and risks and STDs is kind of dull and kind of awkward and you wanted him to want you and be excited about you -as you said he wasn't just a sex buddy.

 

I was referencing my inexperience in being in no open relationships previously, not about my line of work (that part I know). How to implement a successful open relationship, I don't know, which I contribute as part of why it failed. I use complex as such an arrangement is more complex than a monogamous one. I knew he already wanted me and has been excited about me, regardless of what kind of relationship I wanted. He said he just wanted to be with me and to continue seeing him in any capacity.

[Batya33]

I was referencing my inexperience in being in no open relationships previously, not about my line of work (that part I know). How to implement a successful open relationship, I don't know, which I contribute as part of why it failed. I use complex as such an arrangement is more complex than a monogamous one. I knew he already wanted me and has been excited about me, regardless of what kind of relationship I wanted. He said he just wanted to be with me and to continue seeing him in any capacity.

 

But all that matters here is the part where you two increased the risk of STDs -that's not unique to an "open relationship" - that's true of a variety of arrangements where people have sex with each other and also others. You're expanding this to the emotional part for some reason when the real issue here is you believe he lied and therefore exposed you to increased health risks. By expanding it seems to me you're trying to justify overall "inexperience".

 

Obviously his lie hurt your feelings too - most lies do, right? But that also has nothing to do with an "open relationship" in particular. Lies can happen in friendships, romantic relationships, at work.

 

Now if the issue is that you're not sure if he lied because you may have misled him as to what the ground rules are, again the only rules that matter here are the ones about sexual intercourse and other sexually risky behavior. You want to cling to the idea that this was a serious, committed relationship -and it may have been - but clinging to that aspect in this situation makes little sense. Kind of like your work experience -do you really let emotions get involved in studying risks of disease and infection, etc?

 

Here's an example - my married friend discovered in the process of separating from her husband that he had a gambling addiction and basically drained a lot of their savings plus their children's college accounts. Of course she was emotionally hurt from what he did but for the sake of herself and her children she focused as much as possible on the legal, financial and practical aspects of what to do to do damage control and decrease the risk of future financial ruin. I suggest you do the same and if it means accepting that he wasn't as serious about you or committed to you because he prioritized the multiple sex partners over his feelings for you then you will deal with that when the time comes. And that won't mean you're inexperienced about open relationships -it would just be a basic "he's just not that into you".

 

I'll add that the majority of the time, a person who agrees to the arrangement you had likely doesn't see future potential for being in love or growing that love - obviously there are exceptions because I know of people in polyamorous relationships who claim to have that level of emotion and commitment - and sure why not - there are always exceptions - but I don't think either of you were as serious or committed when you agreed to the sexual arrangement and you ended up getting attached. He got more attached to the fun of having sex with lots of people.

[bluecastle]

but I don't think either of you were as serious or committed when you agreed to the sexual arrangement and you ended up getting attached. He got more attached to the fun of having sex with lots of people.

 

This.

 

And I think this is where the lie is a thorn. Like FiO, I don't think any of this has to do with STDs, which are the mouse that makes everyone uneasy. If that mouse was of tantamount concern, this whole arrangement would never have happened. It's easy to choose to focus on that now—because it's serious, concrete—but there is simply no way that's the sticking point.

 

Personally, I think you're uneasy because, for you, this open arrangement was a test, an experiment: if you two could make this work, then you could be serious. What did "working" look like? I think, on some level, it looked like what most people truly want inside an open relationship, which is (cue brain explosion emoji) actually monogamy. It is having the option, but not taking it, because you don't want it, and affirming the seriousness and commitment. Second to that, it is some kind of radical honesty and openness, where the hardest matters on the planet are talked about with ease—and in seeing that you can achieve that you affirm the singularity of the bond.

 

You got neither of those, and it stings, unsettles. You got, as Batya said, a guy who grabbed the hall pass, had some fun, was vague about it. A guy who was casually dating you. Kind of goes back to what I'm saying about "levels." For all the murkiness here, for all the clumsiness of the rules, I actually don't think it's too much to ask for a dude who, well, continued to either be (a) only interested in you despite the open door or (b) who was completely straightforward with you about how he handled the open door. He was neither. I see you doing a lot of gymnastics right now to rationalize that—and there is some room for that, to say nothing of the fact that there is always room for forgiveness and acceptance—but you have to be honest with yourself about the source of the sting.

[figureitout23]

Wow very beautifully said the both of you...

 

I have nothing to add but I am curious about one thing.

 

yatsue you had a sexual expierience with a guy, you took his virginity unknowingly and you wrote about him at the end of March which would have been smack dab in the middle of you and this guys open relationship. You obviously did nothing wrong given the agreement, even if this was after the gf/bf label was given since neither of you discussed exclusivity until after this particular woman. My question is what was his reaction? Did you tell him or was there no need to given your agreement? If you did tell him, how different was his reaction va yours.

 

Also something I was a bit curious about. How did you know the woman he slept with had STDs? Again people don’t walk around with signs around their necks, do you know her? Did he know of her status before sleeping with her? Did she tell him after and if so in what capacity? Did she tell him due to the fact that they’re seeing each other at least semi regularly? I can’t imagibe a one night stand would hide their status until after they slept with someone and then came clean on their own fruition, so what’s the story behind all that?

[yatsue]

Wow very beautifully said the both of you...

 

I have nothing to add but I am curious about one thing.

 

yatsue you had a sexual expierience with a guy, you took his virginity unknowingly and you wrote about him at the end of March which would have been smack dab in the middle of you and this guys open relationship. You obviously did nothing wrong given the agreement, even if this was after the gf/bf label was given since neither of you discussed exclusivity until after this particular woman. My question is what was his reaction? Did you tell him or was there no need to given your agreement? If you did tell him, how different was his reaction va yours.

 

Also something I was a bit curious about. How did you know the woman he slept with had STDs? Again people don’t walk around with signs around their necks, do you know her? Did he know of her status before sleeping with her? Did she tell him after and if so in what capacity? Did she tell him due to the fact that they’re seeing each other at least semi regularly? I can’t imagibe a one night stand would hide their status until after they slept with someone and then came clean on their own fruition, so what’s the story behind all that?

 

I would recheck the posted dates for that thread. I was with that guy in January. I didn't meet my bf until February, and was no longer sleeping with that guy by then. We were still talking though. I didn't feel the need to tell my bf anything about that guy, as you said we weren't exclusive. My bf said he found out about the STDs because she told him after getting testing performed and finding out she was positive, so was telling her partners. To my knowledge, he last slept with her about two weeks before he told me, in which he found out a couple of days beforehand when we saw each other next. He said he was extremely angry when she told him, she was a friend, and he's still mad at her. He said he is no longer sleeping with anyone else after that.

[yatsue]

I don't know and am confused about a lot of things, but one thing I know for sure is that this wasn't a test nor was I not expecting for him to sleep with anyone at all. I wouldn't be honest with myself to even remotely subscribe to this conjecture. This was not what I was thinking in the very least. In fact, if he was not going to, then I wanted to close the relationship. I wanted us both to want a mutual open relationship. It didn't feel right if I got some and he didn't. I wanted us to have equal values in that regard. Before I even met him at all, I was open to the idea of trying an open relationship. I've discussed it with friends, who were not in any at all. A friend told me about a friend of theirs who was in a one-sided open relationship. It didn't seem fair to me to only have one person benefit, hence I didn't want that. I recognize this also sounds contradictory since this increases the STD risks, but I would have been ok with it if I knew what was going on and we were honest with each other, since certain behaviors increase/decrease risk depending on what it is. While it is a riskier lifestyle, knowing accurate information would help minimize risks and effectively move forward with any required testing/treatment.

 

In hindsight, I can see how wreckless I was. I didn't have a plan, didn't communicate, did choose to be blind, and had unrealistic expectations. I didn't take it or him serious enough in the beginning, since it was so soon after being official. I fully expected us to be with others, I just mistakenly thought I had some time before laying out the rules, which I know is not a good was to go about it. Also in hindsight, I should have at least said I wanted to put a hold on sleeping with others until we figured this out. I was content to go on in blind bliss for a while, until that lie set off those emotions in me. I realize now it wasn't so much about the lie itself or what it meant for my health, it was how it made me feel since it should be important enough to care about or be honest about, which made me feel pretty crappy. Basically: important topic relating to me + lie = uneasiness. I know I am responsible for my own health and safety, regardless it did feel like a kick in the balls for him to take a gamble on the lie not amounting to anything significant and the ominous feeling of what else can he lie about.

 

I think I jumped the relationship gun too fast. I knew I wanted to be serious down the road eventually with this guy, and told him as such when he asked and stated he wants to be serious, but I was not ready to be exclusive yet. I wanted to date and get to know him more before doing so, which I also told him. He asked multiple times if I want to be serious, in which my answer was a yes after some more time has gone by. Then he asked me to be his gf, to be serious, but that exclusivity didn't matter. I said yes, but in hindsight I was not prepared to venture into an open relationship yet, since I didn't even think it through properly yet. That, in combination with not being comfortable discussing topics before I've figured them out yet and blindly thinking he wasn't involved yet with anyone since he didn't bring it up, led to this outcome. I wanted it mainly because I believed, at the time, it would help the relationship on my part when I eventually moved until we could live in the same area again. Instead it hurt it.

 

I have some things to mull over. While we closed the relationship and will hold off on sex in the meantime, I need to evaluate what we both want out of a relationship with each other and to discuss each other's expectations. I do wonder if he is serious now and truly wants a monogamous relationship. If so, I wonder if we can figure out a way to make a long distance relationship work in the future. Perhaps I'll have my answers sooner rather than later, or perhaps they'll come in due time. Whatever it ends up being, we'll figure it out. I still don't know if that means we'll be together or not, but I hope we will be if we can be in alignment with what we truly want. I do still care about him very much. I want to thank everyone for their input and patience so far. I know a lot of things contradict each other. This all helps to make everything more clear, regarding what this is really about and what it isn't about. Now to sit on my thoughts...

[figureitout23]

I would recheck the posted dates for that thread. I was with that guy in January. I didn't meet my bf until February, and was no longer sleeping with that guy by then. We were still talking though. I didn't feel the need to tell my bf anything about that guy, as you said we weren't exclusive. My bf said he found out about the STDs because she told him after getting testing performed and finding out she was positive, so was telling her partners. To my knowledge, he last slept with her about two weeks before he told me, in which he found out a couple of days beforehand when we saw each other next. He said he was extremely angry when she told him, she was a friend, and he's still mad at her. He said he is no longer sleeping with anyone else after that.

 

Yes, I did mess up on the dates, I apologize, I mixed up the posts. I mixed up that guy for the guy who you were worried was rebounding. Im guessing that guy is this current guy.

[figureitout23]

I don't know and am confused about a lot of things, but one thing I know for sure is that this wasn't a test nor was I not expecting for him to sleep with anyone at all. I wouldn't be honest with myself to even remotely subscribe to this conjecture. This was not what I was thinking in the very least. In fact, if he was not going to, then I wanted to close the relationship. I wanted us both to want a mutual open relationship. It didn't feel right if I got some and he didn't. I wanted us to have equal values in that regard. Before I even met him at all, I was open to the idea of trying an open relationship. I've discussed it with friends, who were not in any at all. A friend told me about a friend of theirs who was in a one-sided open relationship. It didn't seem fair to me to only have one person benefit, hence I didn't want that. I recognize this also sounds contradictory since this increases the STD risks, but I would have been ok with it if I knew what was going on and we were honest with each other, since certain behaviors increase/decrease risk depending on what it is. While it is a riskier lifestyle, knowing accurate information would help minimize risks and effectively move forward with any required testing/treatment.

 

In hindsight, I can see how wreckless I was. I didn't have a plan, didn't communicate, did choose to be blind, and had unrealistic expectations. I didn't take it or him serious enough in the beginning, since it was so soon after being official. I fully expected us to be with others, I just mistakenly thought I had some time before laying out the rules, which I know is not a good was to go about it. Also in hindsight, I should have at least said I wanted to put a hold on sleeping with others until we figured this out. I was content to go on in blind bliss for a while, until that lie set off those emotions in me. I realize now it wasn't so much about the lie itself or what it meant for my health, it was how it made me feel since it should be important enough to care about or be honest about, which made me feel pretty crappy. Basically: important topic relating to me + lie = uneasiness. I know I am responsible for my own health and safety, regardless it did feel like a kick in the balls for him to take a gamble on the lie not amounting to anything significant and the ominous feeling of what else can he lie about.

 

I think I jumped the relationship gun too fast. I knew I wanted to be serious down the road eventually with this guy, and told him as such when he asked and stated he wants to be serious, but I was not ready to be exclusive yet. I wanted to date and get to know him more before doing so, which I also told him. He asked multiple times if I want to be serious, in which my answer was a yes after some more time has gone by. Then he asked me to be his gf, to be serious, but that exclusivity didn't matter. I said yes, but in hindsight I was not prepared to venture into an open relationship yet, since I didn't even think it through properly yet. That, in combination with not being comfortable discussing topics before I've figured them out yet and blindly thinking he wasn't involved yet with anyone since he didn't bring it up, led to this outcome. I wanted it mainly because I believed, at the time, it would help the relationship on my part when I eventually moved until we could live in the same area again. Instead it hurt it.

 

I have some things to mull over. While we closed the relationship and will hold off on sex in the meantime, I need to evaluate what we both want out of a relationship with each other and to discuss each other's expectations. I do wonder if he is serious now and truly wants a monogamous relationship. If so, I wonder if we can figure out a way to make a long distance relationship work in the future. Perhaps I'll have my answers sooner rather than later, or perhaps they'll come in due time. Whatever it ends up being, we'll figure it out. I still don't know if that means we'll be together or not, but I hope we will be if we can be in alignment with what we truly want. I do still care about him very much. I want to thank everyone for their input and patience so far. I know a lot of things contradict each other. This all helps to make everything more clear, regarding what this is really about and what it isn't about. Now to sit on my thoughts...

 

That makes sense.

 

Yes sit with your thoughts.

 

Do what you believe is best for you, and good luck.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately "open relationships" sound much cooler than they really are.

[yatsue]

That makes sense.

 

Yes sit with your thoughts.

 

Do what you believe is best for you, and good luck.

 

Thank you for all of your patience and input, the others included. It's been a process, although this has been very helpful!

[yatsue]

Unfortunately "open relationships" sound much cooler than they really are.

 

I agree 😏

[bluecastle]

I've been reluctant to jump back into this, trusting you to think and feel and process as needed, but I want to address something really quickly.

 

When I use the word "test" I'm not implying some kind of obstacle course devised by the conscious or subconscious for another person to "pass" or "fail." The early days (which some would describe as a week but I'd describe as at least 6 months) with anyone is a "test" of sorts, in that you're testing out compatibility. And when we're single, when we're reflecting on past relationships and imaging future ones, we entertain ideas about how to go about all that differently, from new angles—new "tests" of compatibility to foster deeper, stronger dynamics than we've known.

 

So that, really, is what I mean by an open relationship in general and this one in particular being a test, if that makes sense.

 

Can they work? Sure, of course. My feeling—and this is just mine—is that "communication" is not really the key ingredient, as I think the notion of "communication being key" is often overblown or misunderstood when it comes to relationships. Talk to people whose marriages or relationships have fallen apart, and they say, "We could have communicated better." Talk to people whose marriages and relationships are solid and working, and they'll often site "trust" and "respect" as the keys—the same keys, I think, needed for "open" to work, but with much more complex cuttings.

 

Trust and respect—just my opinion here—take a lot of time to build, and are generally best built inside a "closed" system, or even a "gray/as-yet-to-be-defined" system, as opposed to an "open" one where the openness becomes a fast track (or a test) to a trusting and respectful bond. Further, when you're single, talking to friends about wanting to "try" an open relationship—conversations I'm quite familiar with—the odds are very high that what you're really expressing is a fear of getting into a lousy relationship, one where you don't feel like you're fully you, where your sexual desires are curbed, muted, routinely unmet. Or you're just randy and can't imagine sleeping with just one person—not even for "the rest of your life" but over the course of the next month, the next week. No shame in that, but it might not need so much window dressing that no one can see through the window.

 

Zoom out a bit on your situation, and it sounds a bit like a classic case of rushing a bit too quickly to conventionally define things, but just from an unconventional angle—the rush for the "open" label where some rush for "closed." People hate uncertainty, ambiguity. "Open" and "closed" are just ways, really, to make ambiguity more palatable. But dating and connecting is ambiguous—it needs that, and compatibility can be measured, early, by a similar comfort level at these stages—so perhaps the way to think about all this is just that you've been dating for four months, getting increasingly serious, and have now decided to make a real go of it as a relationship. Four months is a good, healthy juncture for that.

[Jibralta]

My feeling—and this is just mine—is that "communication" is not really the key ingredient, as I think the notion of "communication being key" is often overblown or misunderstood when it comes to relationships. Talk to people whose marriages or relationships have fallen apart, and they say, "We could have communicated better." Talk to people whose marriages and relationships are solid and working, and they'll often site "trust" and "respect" as the keys—the same keys, I think, needed for "open" to work, but with much more complex cuttings.

 

I have a different take on that. There is mutual trust and respect in my relationship, but that is because the communication is so good. We talked a lot of things out up front, and we talk things out when there is an 'anomaly,' so to speak. The line of communication is very open. I can ask literally anything, and so can he. If one of us gets mad about the question(s), then there's a little work to be done to find out what the real problem is. The open line of communication keeps things neat and tidy.

 

Most importantly, we can 'check in' with each other as life changes us. That's what really builds the trust. I don't think you can "set it and forget it" with relationships like you can with a rottisserie oven or a crock pot. That's just putting a blindfold on and hoping for the best.

 

There are definitely times where communication is not helpful. For example, when one of us is just grumpy and everything is a problem. Then it's best to silently simmer and keep your mouth shut.

 

And every problem doesn't have to be worked out in one sitting. Voice your concern and move on. Revisit another time. Don't beat it to death in one go. There's more to communication than just talking. It's acting, watching, and listening, too.

 

Trust and respect—just my opinion here—take a lot of time to build, and are generally best built inside a "closed" system, or even a "gray/as-yet-to-be-defined" system, as opposed to an "open" one where the openness becomes a fast track (or a test) to a trusting and respectful bond.

 

As for open relationships: they aren't appealing to me for many reasons. But even if they were, the issue of STDs rules them out for me completely. Sorry to say this, but as a heterosexual woman, I've borne frequent witness to how careless men will try to be with their genitalia. And if they try it with me, I know they are trying it with other people.

 

In this day and age, the only way I would ever consider an open relationship is with plenty of communication beginning early on and lasting throughout. Theoretically speaking, I think that would be easiest coming from a "closed" relationship, where communication was already established.

[yatsue]

I've been reluctant to jump back into this, trusting you to think and feel and process as needed, but I want to address something really quickly.

 

When I use the word "test" I'm not implying some kind of obstacle course devised by the conscious or subconscious for another person to "pass" or "fail." The early days (which some would describe as a week but I'd describe as at least 6 months) with anyone is a "test" of sorts, in that you're testing out compatibility. And when we're single, when we're reflecting on past relationships and imaging future ones, we entertain ideas about how to go about all that differently, from new angles—new "tests" of compatibility to foster deeper, stronger dynamics than we've known.

 

So that, really, is what I mean by an open relationship in general and this one in particular being a test, if that makes sense.

 

Can they work? Sure, of course. My feeling—and this is just mine—is that "communication" is not really the key ingredient, as I think the notion of "communication being key" is often overblown or misunderstood when it comes to relationships. Talk to people whose marriages or relationships have fallen apart, and they say, "We could have communicated better." Talk to people whose marriages and relationships are solid and working, and they'll often site "trust" and "respect" as the keys—the same keys, I think, needed for "open" to work, but with much more complex cuttings.

 

Trust and respect—just my opinion here—take a lot of time to build, and are generally best built inside a "closed" system, or even a "gray/as-yet-to-be-defined" system, as opposed to an "open" one where the openness becomes a fast track (or a test) to a trusting and respectful bond. Further, when you're single, talking to friends about wanting to "try" an open relationship—conversations I'm quite familiar with—the odds are very high that what you're really expressing is a fear of getting into a lousy relationship, one where you don't feel like you're fully you, where your sexual desires are curbed, muted, routinely unmet. Or you're just randy and can't imagine sleeping with just one person—not even for "the rest of your life" but over the course of the next month, the next week. No shame in that, but it might not need so much window dressing that no one can see through the window.

 

Zoom out a bit on your situation, and it sounds a bit like a classic case of rushing a bit too quickly to conventionally define things, but just from an unconventional angle—the rush for the "open" label where some rush for "closed." People hate uncertainty, ambiguity. "Open" and "closed" are just ways, really, to make ambiguity more palatable. But dating and connecting is ambiguous—it needs that, and compatibility can be measured, early, by a similar comfort level at these stages—so perhaps the way to think about all this is just that you've been dating for four months, getting increasingly serious, and have now decided to make a real go of it as a relationship. Four months is a good, healthy juncture for that.

 

I can see what you mean. Relationships really do test compatibility all the time in that sense, whether we consciously test it or not. I do still appreciate the ongoing ponderings. Gets the noodle to see in different angles. I think you and Jibralta highlight a good overlaying point: there is no set standard that makes a relationship work. Different people mean different styles, or ways, to approach things. What works for one person, may not work for another. However, I believe the point where it comes to differences that are too great to overcome, is when you both can no longer effectively communicate. Like you said, you can't fit a square peg into a round hole, except I don't see it as having differences in general. It is the kind of differences.

 

Everyone here doesn't really talk about their own problems in their "working" relationships. Relationships DO have problems you two need to solve together. Heck, not having any problems is even an issue, since it can indicate a lack of communication and/or suppressing problems/feelings. I believe the deciding factor is how you handle those problems when they rear their ugly head. Is it calm and collected while talking it out, and then coming to an understanding afterwards? Or is it while screaming, getting physical, having the cops involved, and then not coming to an understanding afterwards? I tend to look for the first scenario, when it comes to what works in a relationship. There are many levels in between those two extremes, but I do continue a relationship when I see we can still talk about an issue in a healthy manner. Of course, there are deal breakers, which is the point where differences are too great to be able to talk through and come to a mutual understanding.

 

I gotta say, not communicating and instead "knowing" how to read your partner completely is just plain old foreign to me. There is still some level of that I have in my relationships, although that mainly comes in time for me. No one can read my mind, and I cannot read another person's. To be fair, I did have some expectation here to an extent, but that's one area where I went wrong. After time, is only when people can start to read me more. Sure, some have tried to guess. Sometimes it is spot on, while others it was completely missing the mark (even when this is the same person). I haven't found anyone yet, even in any other kind of relationship besides a romantic one, who could completely read me. Is there a person, or people, like this out there for me who I just haven't met yet? Doubtful. If I haven't met anyone like this yet in any kind of faucet in life, then I don't think so. Not saying I'm a unique snowflake or anything, just that I'm one person who has their own traits.

 

People are flawed and are going to show them eventually, which may lead to issues to tackle in the context of a relationship. The deciding factor that makes or breaks a relationship IMO is how you both handle and work it out, while still maintaining strong feelings for each other. I see this in the one I'm in, despite the issues and feelings muddying the waters, to have potential in being able to resolve problems in a healthy way. Call me crazy (many do), if we can come to some common ground in the context of a closed monogamous relationship, then it is worth seeing us through. Does that mean I'm trying to force the peg into the hole? I don't think so. We have a lot in common, are invested, heading in the direction of taking this more seriously, and have strong feelings (despite the speculation of others). Do I think we can work it out? My answer is, it depends on us.

[figureitout23]

I can see what you mean. Relationships really do test compatibility all the time in that sense, whether we consciously test it or not. I do still appreciate the ongoing ponderings. Gets the noodle to see in different angles. I think you and Jibralta highlight a good overlaying point: there is no set standard that makes a relationship work. Different people mean different styles, or ways, to approach things. What works for one person, may not work for another. However, I believe the point where it comes to differences that are too great to overcome, is when you both can no longer effectively communicate. Like you said, you can't fit a square peg into a round hole, except I don't see it as having differences in general. It is the kind of differences.

 

Everyone here doesn't really talk about their own problems in their "working" relationships. Relationships DO have problems you two need to solve together. Heck, not having any problems is even an issue, since it can indicate a lack of communication and/or suppressing problems/feelings. I believe the deciding factor is how you handle those problems when they rear their ugly head. Is it calm and collected while talking it out, and then coming to an understanding afterwards? Or is it while screaming, getting physical, having the cops involved, and then not coming to an understanding afterwards? I tend to look for the first scenario, when it comes to what works in a relationship. There are many levels in between those two extremes, but I do continue a relationship when I see we can still talk about an issue in a healthy manner. Of course, there are deal breakers, which is the point where differences are too great to be able to talk through and come to a mutual understanding.

 

I gotta say, not communicating and instead "knowing" how to read your partner completely is just plain old foreign to me. There is still some level of that I have in my relationships, although that mainly comes in time for me. No one can read my mind, and I cannot read another person's. To be fair, I did have some expectation here to an extent, but that's one area where I went wrong. After time, is only when people can start to read me more. Sure, some have tried to guess. Sometimes it is spot on, while others it was completely missing the mark (even when this is the same person). I haven't found anyone yet, even in any other kind of relationship besides a romantic one, who could completely read me. Is there a person, or people, like this out there for me who I just haven't met yet? Doubtful. If I haven't met anyone like this yet in any kind of faucet in life, then I don't think so. Not saying I'm a unique snowflake or anything, just that I'm one person who has their own traits.

 

People are flawed and are going to show them eventually, which may lead to issues to tackle in the context of a relationship. The deciding factor that makes or breaks a relationship IMO is how you both handle and work it out, while still maintaining strong feelings for each other. I see this in the one I'm in, despite the issues and feelings muddying the waters, to have potential in being able to resolve problems in a healthy way. Call me crazy (many do), if we can come to some common ground in the context of a closed monogamous relationship, then it is worth seeing us through. Does that mean I'm trying to force the peg into the hole? I don't think so. We have a lot in common, are invested, heading in the direction of taking this more seriously, and have strong feelings (despite the speculation of others). Do I think we can work it out? My answer is, it depends on us.

 

Yatsue, I dont think anyones was knocking your situation. I think many were just pointing out the facts that you may be missing being in the clouds. This was a situation where there was more assumption than communication, some game playing (own it, its ok) fear and lack of knowledge, its a lot for it only being a 6 month courtship, an open one at that, making your actual one on one connection time even shorter than 6 months, no one is knocking your situationship by acknowledging that nor is anyone knocking it by suggesting you acknowledge it.

 

I think your situation has potential too, said as much, but it wont if you continue to carry on as you are. Learn who you are, what your boundaries are and expectations, express them. Stick to them, know when its broken is when you walk away.