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What should I do?


Cdlove
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So my boyfriend and I have been dating for a month now (but we talked for a really long time) and we recently started getting into the more mature things like sex. BUT, I am a shy person and know my boundaries so I told him that I don’t want to go past taking our clothes off just yet... because I strongly believe in NO SEX TILL MARRIAGE (and he knows that.) So what we usually do is just kissing and grinding with our clothes on. I am a shy person with NO experience in sex or touching each other while he has had sex with one person and I think has touched a few girls (like fingering). I really don’t know what to do and I feel bad because I also want to make him feel good but I’m also just very shy about it.. for example, sometimes he wants me to go top, but I’m TOOO SHYYYY and I don’t know what to dooooo. He wants me to grind on him too but i’ve never done it so it’s overwhelming.

 

Anyways my point, he has said that his hurts sometimes either during or after grinding. Does that mean he’s actually hurt?? Or because he can’t finish?

 

Sorry, I have a jumble piece of everything in here lol. I just need advice to be honest.

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To start with stop saying it’s because you are shy.

You said you don’t believe in sex before marriage. So stick with your morals.

 

It’s irrelevant how long you were talking. That doesn’t count.

You have only known him in person a few weeks and I suspect haven’t been in each other’s company that much.

In which case you should still be dating and not in a place where grinding can even be possible. Public places that is.

 

And by hurting, my first assumption would be the dry friction which might feel like carpet burn.

 

In future don’t have him over to your house or you to his until you know him well enough to want a dry hump.

Right now you aren’t doing it because you are shy but because you aren’t comfortable in his presence or trust him.

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Hey, well firstly, you should only ever go as far as what YOUR comfortable with. There is no harm in kissing and dry humping as long as you have clearly set your boundaries with this guy and he understands that, for now, this is as frisky as i want to get.

Please dont rush sex with someone that your not comfortable with and can trust fully, because i promise when you are comfortable with him or someone else, you wont have any of these concerns. Just go with your flow and what you want to do and what you feel is right.

As for the hurting, it probably is just the friction of the clothes and the fact that he is arroused... which im sure there has been a worse discomfort.

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You know your boundaries, and you have made those clear: you do not believe in sex before marriage. What you should (and, frankly, must) do is stick with where you are comfortable. I have a gut feeling that your feeling of "shyness" is actually more a feeling of discomfort and not being ready for the things he is asking you to do. Though I have no idea how he is communicating his desires other than how you've relayed them here, I have a feeling his comments about "hurting" are a subtle way of pressuring you to go further than you want to.

 

I'm sure you like him a lot and are excited by the relationship, but please hold your ground. There is no rush here. If you are going to be more flexible with your boundaries on the physical side of your relationship, you need to take your time to decide if you want to do them (e.g., getting "on top" or grinding him back). They need to be YOUR call, not because you feel bad or like he wants something and you are disappointing him. If he bails or starts to pressure you in the meantime, please do yourself a favor and let him go - that's just not the right guy for you, or anyone who wants to be respected in their relationship.

 

If you are starting to feel like you WANT to do more sexual things, that's also completely okay and just because you made a rule for yourself doesn't mean you have to stick with it if you feel 100% ready and wanting to experiment more with your sexuality in this relationship.

 

Basically: no one can tell you what to do with your body - not us, not your boyfriend, not anyone. You have every right to do or not do what you want and it needs to be up to you and you alone.

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Stick to your principles. If he's going too fast for you dump him. Keep in mind dating 30 days means he just wants experiences, not anything long term.

You need to stop allowing yourself to be pressured with the blue ball story. He has hands. He just wants to score.

 

You are learning that some guys will say anything to get your pants off. He's a horny teen, let him go home and take care of it himself. You don't owe anyone sex.

I strongly believe in NO SEX TILL MARRIAGE (and he knows that.) So what we usually do is just kissing and grinding with our clothes on. he has said that his hurts sometimes either during or after grinding.
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First of all, I don't mean to sound accusing but you don't sound like the type of person that cares to wait for marriage, or at least isn't sure of the reasons why they would. I advise you to reconsider your reasons for waiting until marriage, and if you're really convinced about it then stick to it. However, don't take my word for it, as I myself am not waiting for marriage and therefore am probably not the best adviser on the matter to begin with.

 

The biggest issue I see here is that you're clearly uncomfortable with physical contact with this person to begin with. You need to talk clearly about what you feel like you can't do, or not yet. Everything comes at its time. As for his pain, it's probably friction as mentioned above.

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Yeah, this is pretty terrible advice. No one should ever be assuming they know a person, or a person's morals, just by a post on this forum, and absolutely NO ONE SHOULD BE TELLING YOU TO RECONSIDER YOUR PRINCIPALS. Shame on you, Dima, I'm sorry, but where do you get off telling anyone that they don't sound like, "the type of person that cares to wait for marriage" to have sex?

 

Waiting for marriage to have sex doesn't mean that all physical intimacy goes out the window prior to. It is perfectly healthy to experiment while still knowing your limits. There is no "Type of person," who waits for marriage, it's a personal preference, end of story.

 

OP, if you feel like you should reconsider waiting till marriage, please do so because you want to and not because someone is judging you on a forum without knowing you or considering the wishes you've clearly stated already.

 

First of all, I don't mean to sound accusing but you don't sound like the type of person that cares to wait for marriage, or at least isn't sure of the reasons why they would. I advise you to reconsider your reasons for waiting until marriage, and if you're really convinced about it then stick to it. However, don't take my word for it, as I myself am not waiting for marriage and therefore am probably not the best adviser on the matter to begin with.

 

The biggest issue I see here is that you're clearly uncomfortable with physical contact with this person to begin with. You need to talk clearly about what you feel like you can't do, or not yet. Everything comes at its time. As for his pain, it's probably friction as mentioned above.

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I'm truly sorry for the rushed way I addressed that part, as I didn't mean to offend or offer nothing but a judgmental remark. I was suggesting that she should give more thought to the reasons for which she wants to wait until marriage, perhaps to strengthen that desire by truly understanding why it matters to her, confidently. When I said that she didn't strike me as the type of person who cares to wait for that, I meant to say that her focus should be the waiting for marriage and not the shyness, as Billie had mentioned. I don't disagree with waiting for marriage itself, just with doing so without truly understanding why, nor am I claiming I know what OP is like and that she certainly doesn't know why she wants what she does.

 

Yes, all in all, it boils down to what she feels comfortable with doing.

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I think you are moving far too fast, IMO.

 

It takes most people a long time to decide if they want to marry the person they are with. (years, usually?). If you guys are naked and grinding within the first month - where do you go from here? I don’t see how this is reasonably going to either end in sex pretty soon or frustration and a break up.

 

Usually the idea behind “no sex before marriage” is to take the time to really build a solid foundation of friendship before you let lust get in the way and muddle your thoughts. It’s a slow and steady build. Months of getting to know each other, then just kissing for months, etc.

 

I simply don’t think you are compatible with this guy if you are already having these conversations and he’s already pushing your boundaries.

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Anyways my point, he has said that his hurts sometimes either during or after grinding. Does that mean he’s actually hurt?? Or because he can’t finish?

 

Anyhow. . . No one answered her question.

If he's fully aroused and unable to finish, it is uncomfortable for him. The continued rubbing and friction will add to that.

It doesn't mean you are responsible for this. He can choose not to engage in it, if it's not enjoyable.

Don't get tripped up into feeling like you need to fix this (is where I see this going)

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Anyhow. . . No one answered her question.

If he's fully aroused and unable to finish, it is uncomfortable for him. The continued rubbing and friction will add to that.

It doesn't mean you are responsible for this. He can choose not to engage in it, if it's not enjoyable.

Don't get tripped up into feeling like you need to fix this (is where I see this going)

 

That wasn't OP's question. Her question was "what should she do" - meaning, what should she do about the sexual situation and her conflicted feelings around doing the things her boyfriend is asking her to do, or sticking with her convictions not to go further.

 

We can analyze what her boyfriend means when he says the acts hurt him, but none of us actually knows - he's the only one who can clarify that statement.

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