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Am I the side chick?


Shys281
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So next month I would have been with my bf for 1 year. So I’m very nosey so I decided to look for his ex girlfriend/baby mum online. He is a very private person and has never shown me her nor told me her name lol. So me being intrigued I found her Facebook then followed her on a fake Instagram [emoji23]♂️. She accepted it today and I see she posted a pic of my boyfriend mum saying ‘celebrating my mother in laws 60th’..... mother in law?? You don’t refer to your exs mother that way even if it is your child’s grandma. Most annoying part is I can’t even mention it to him cos he will be mad about me snooping and following her on a fake insta. Any advice ladies [emoji24]. Do you think they’ve been in a relationship this whole time ? He told me they broke up just before she found out she was pregnant. There child is 4 years old now.

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I refer to the mother of my child’s bio dad as my mother in law... I have a great relationship with her... my ex and I haven’t been together for over two decades.

 

I mean yea I would definitely wonder why I hadn’t met the mother of my boyfriend’s child after a year but some people like to keep those things separate until they are sure the relationship will work out.

 

None of what you described indicates you are a side piece IMO.

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What I'd be more concerned about here is not whether or not you are a "side chick" but why you're so scared to talk to your boyfriend of a year that creating a web of spying seems like a more sensible means of getting answers. No string of emojis can make that kind of thing cute or healthy, I'm sorry to say.

 

Is he good man to you? Does something in your gut tell you he's not fully "in it" with you? Are you generally prone to anxiety in romance?

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So he’s my first boyfriend. As I said he is very private so many things I don’t know. I have asked him many times during this year but he has just explained that he had a lifestyle before so is more private. Upon asking he has informed me that his child’s mother doesn’t know he has a gf as “it’s not her business” I have never met his mum and have only met 1 friend by default. He has said numerous times they are not together. He treats me very well and is an amazing father To be honest I had never experienced anxiety before him but I believe this is simply due to my overthinking.

Also what u said is right but since he is SO private, mentioning that I even found out his ex’s full name or Instagram will cause a whole different situation

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You’re right. Well I’ve never met his family nor friends. I have never been to his house (states that his landlord has said he is not allowed guests due to previous tenants) - this was what I found extremely suspicious at first but he has actually shown me evidence although I still think it’s STRANGE. He pays some of his exs bills but I guess that’s for the benefit of his daughter. He also has his own key and comes and goes as he pleases (she lives 10 mins from him). He also sleeps on her sofa after visiting his daughter which is strange as he lives 10 mins away. This became an issue and he has stopped sleeping there now but yeah lol. He has stated time and time again that they’re not together and he acts in such way for his daughter. They went away to pepper pig world together in February. I mean I probably sound stupid writing all of this cos the signs are there but I want to believe him

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Issues abound. First of all, you've been dating for a year. One would think you are being incorporated into the life of this man and his child as a wife, stepmother, partner, (potentially) and the fact that you don't even know the mother's name is a seriously huge issue.

 

I'm in the middle on the MIL comment. Sometimes it's just easier to refer to your child's father's mother (grandma) as your MIL (I still do, divorced)...you're not legally married, but your child is legally and genetically bound to this family and you do share DNA. Really, it just makes things easier for people to understand the relationship (those who don't know the ex's family and names). Now if you suspect these two are cohabitating or engaged or even married...completely different story.

 

A year has gone by where you don't even know the child's mother's first name. So...who do you contact in an emergency when you have the doodle bug and the father can't be reached?? Hmmm??

 

Have you met this MIL? Have you met his family?

 

You're a full year into a big ball of unknowns, insecurity, and apparently a high level of secrecy. It's rather unfortunate you felt you needed to reduce yourself to snooping around social media to get a little crumb or two on some secret life.

 

What you need is a discussion - what are you to him and future? Knowing the name of the ex is not an unreasonable expectation. Goodness, if this relationship goes further, you will be participating in some form of coparenting, and you need to be able to have a conversation with the woman once in awhile. If all this remains a big secret, and wow, if you've never met the family? It might be time to put on those walking shoes.

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The answer to your questions will be above but you are right. I need to come to my senses and see the clear picture. He says he wants a future with me but then again women will tell you what you want to hear. Thank you for your advice honestly !

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What I'd be more concerned about here is not whether or not you are a "side chick" but why you're so scared to talk to your boyfriend of a year that creating a web of spying seems like a more sensible means of getting answers. No string of emojis can make that kind of thing cute or healthy, I'm sorry to say.

 

blue, the way you worded that made me chuckle a bit, lol. But so so true!!

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Yeah, this doesn't sound good.

 

I wouldn't worry so much about loaded ideas like "side chick," since that has all sorts of implications that may not be true. But what's clear is that this guy can't give you what you—or, really, anyone—needs to call a relationship, well, a relationship. He gets a version of it, but it's a thin version, since it exists in a kind of compartment that doesn't cross into the other compartment that is his life. He hasn't reconciled with his past enough to be present, and you're getting scratched up because of that.

 

Yes, people are private and kids makes things complicated. But not this complicated. This is a man who is hiding from himself, and your relationship is his place to go to turn off the lights. Not good—for either of you, really. But the only person you can control is yourself, and you know you want more, and are worth more.

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So he’s my first boyfriend. As I said he is very private so many things I don’t know. I have asked him many times during this year but he has just explained that he had a lifestyle before so is more private. Upon asking he has informed me that his child’s mother doesn’t know he has a gf as “it’s not her business” I have never met his mum and have only met 1 friend by default. He has said numerous times they are not together. He treats me very well and is an amazing father To be honest I had never experienced anxiety before him but I believe this is simply due to my overthinking.

Also what u said is right but since he is SO private, mentioning that I even found out his ex’s full name or Instagram will cause a whole different situation

 

You have been together for one year and have only met one friend. Girl, you are a secret! You should have met all of his close friends, as well as his family. This is a big problem.

 

You've never been to his home! You are the side chick. This is not a relationship.

Edited by Hollyj
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If you have to catfish to discover the truth after a year, you've got a lot more problems than whatever titles babymamas have and use. Are you actually dating in person and exclusively? Or is this someone you see casualty for sex and are now getting jealous/possessive?

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Sorry, you are not being treated like a girlfriend. You should never allow people to treat you like this! He has not brought you into his life, and he never will. His relationship is with his baby momma. You are the filler, and barely one at that.

 

Do you get taken out anywhere, or are most of your dates at home?

Edited by Hollyj
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Oh gosh all are at home. It’s funny how you tolerate certain things when you love someone I’ll tell you that

 

Well, that's one way to put it. Another is to ask why you've equated "love" with tolerating "certain things" that don't actually feel like being loved. That's the hard stuff, because it means you have to accept this dynamic as something you've created alongside him, rather than something he has "done" to you, but if you can ask those questions you'll likely find yourself making choices that lead to different kinds of relationships—ones where there is trust and communication instead of fake profiles and digital detective work.

 

I'm not going to make any assumptions about the nature of your boyfriend's relationship with his ex. I don't think that helps anyone. But I do think he is "stuck," as many people are in situations like his, and that sadly his relationship with you serves more as a reward for staying stuck than in moving forward.

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Oh gosh all are at home. It’s funny how you tolerate certain things when you love someone I’ll tell you that

 

This is really unacceptable. Why was this ever okay? You are not even at the level of "side chick."

 

You are a secret. That is it. No relationship, here. He does not love or respect you. You are being used, but you are allowing it.

 

When are you going to love and respect yourself?

Edited by Hollyj
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Do you have some standards for yourself when it comes to relationships and dating?

If not, you should come up with some.

One year in and you've accepted that his personal life, family and friends are off limits to you.

 

Instead of managing your life accordingly, you've just gone along with his terms.

Instead of challenging them, you end up resorting to some reconnaissance mission to find out who he really is.

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